FADE IN:

EXT. RANDOM CLIFFS

TOM CRUISE

Look, I am climbing this mountain! I'm doing my own stunts! This is incredibly dangerous!

AUDIENCE

Wow, he's doing his own stunts! That must mean he's actually hanging on that cliff with no means of protection! When an actor does his own stunts, he always goes above and beyond what a regular stuntman would do!

TOM gets some sunglasses. He puts them on.

ANTHONY HOPKINS

Why the hell am I in this? Tom, I need you to carry the whole movie, but just to make it look like this movie is making some attempt to live up to the shitty standards set by the first film, we'll pretend for a moment that you actually should assemble a team. First, pick Ving Rhames to provide some kind of flow from the first movie to this rejected Bond script. Then pick a random guy with a funny accent. Lastly, get this chick to whore herself off.

TOM CRUISE

(grinning like a doofus)

Cool. I'll sleep with her first.

TOM cruise begins an extraneous love story by fucking THANDIE NEWTON in slow motion.

TOM CRUISE

(grinning like a doofus)

Can you make me a martini? Shaken, not stirred.

INT. BAD GUY HIDEOUT

DOUGRAY SCOTT

Have sex with me and I'll give you this KODAK BRAND digital camera flash card with incriminating photos. KODAK: Take pictures. Further.

THANDIE NEWTON

I have tits.

DOUGRAY SCOTT

Yes you do, please have my bad guy secrets.

DOUGRAY leaves. TOM CRUISE enters.

TOM CRUISE

Hey, you are doing quite well at betraying Dougray Scott. Continue doing what he wants, you're basically a prostitute now. If Dougray wants to do anal, you be like "okay" and don't ask me why I'm saying this.

THANDIE NEWTON

Okay Tom. Anything for you, my REAL LOVER.

She leaves. TOM's FACE is removed to reveal DOUGRAY SCOTT!

DOUGRAY SCOTT

Good thing I kept this mask. Now it's time to sell this virus that I stole.

DIRECTOR JOHN WOO

Oh yeah, the virus! Sell it! Sell it in slow motion! Sell it to a flock of doves!

INT. SUPER SECRET LAB THINGER

TOM breaks into the lab in a similar way to the computer scene in the first movie, but this isn't as original or interesting or suspenseful or good.

TOM CRUISE

(grinning like a doofus)

Look, I'm doing my own stunts!

DOUGRAY enters. A large fight ensues in slow motion. Twelve doves are killed. Various guards are destroyed. DOUGRAY takes off his mask to reveal TOM CRUISE! TOM takes off his mask to reveal DOUGRAY! THANDIE takes off her mask to reveal TOM CRUISE! The other TOM CRUISE takes off his mask to reveal THANDIE NEWTON'S PET TERRIER! JOHN WOO takes off his mask to reveal TOM CRUISE!

TOM CRUISE

See, I am in complete control of this movie! Har har!

The other TOM CRUISE takes off his mask to reveal THANDIE NEWTON! The henchman is killed, but he looks like TOM CRUISE! Hence, TOM cleverly put the henchman into a TOM mask to kill him!

TOM CRUISE

Why the fuck was I carrying a mask of myself? And for that matter, why does everyone have like a hundred spare masks? Where do we keep all of them?

TOM hops on a motorcycle and a chase ensues!

TOM CRUISE

I must get the antidote for this virus thingy to Thandie Newton, or she'll die in exactly twenty hours, on the mark.

The chase ends.

DOUGRAY SCOTT

You're so dead.

They beat the crap out of each other for a while, until TOM WINS!

DOUGRAY SCOTT

(panting)

I am beaten!

THANDIE NEWTON

Hurry Tom! It's been 18 hours and 35 minutes! Time is running out! Give me the antedote!

TOM leaves DOUGRAY alive and gets the antidote from the FRAGILE GLASS TUBE that he LEFT IN HIS JACKET WHICH HE THREW ON THE GROUND WHERE HE WAS FIGHTING and starts to bring it to her.

DOUGRAY SCOTT

Now I have a gun!

TOM, lucky as hell, picks up a gun in front of him and shoots DOUGRAY repeatedly!

THANDIE NEWTON

Oh my god! You just wasted a minute shooting him! Come on! Time's running out!

TOM runs to her and gives her the antidote in the nick of time, give or take an hour.

They walk off together in a park, an appropriate end for an action spy movie.

END