FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE - CANADA

Struggling writer RAFE SPALL arrives to visit IRRFAN KHAN.

RAFE SPALL

Irrfan, my sources say you have a ballstacular story that will save my career, make me believe in God, and possibly win shitloads of Oscars. Please tell it to me.

IRRFAN KHAN

Geez dude, way to not oversell it. Why should I share it with you anyway?

RAFE SPALL

It's very important to Hollywood that a white person hear your tale. We call it "validation".

IRRFAN KHAN

Then I shall begin! It all began with my creepy, malformed uncle and his swimming fetish...

RAFE SPALL

How about we skip ahead a bit.

IRRFAN KHAN

(sighs)

Okay. When I was a child, my Dad decided that the family needed extra income. So we bought a zoo.

RAFE SPALL

(astonished)

Your Dad was Matt Damon?!

IRRFAN KHAN

(facepalms)

INT. ZOO - INDIA - THE PAST

CHILD IRRFAN is caught trying to feed the new TIGER named RICHARD PARKER, also the name of SPIDER-MAN'S DAD as we saw in THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN which had IRRFAN KHAN in it and OHMIGAWD SOMEBODY CALL CONSPIRACY KEANU.

ADIL HUSSAIN (DAD PI)

I am very angry with you, son! I must now teach you a harsh, brutal lesson.

ADIL ties a GOAT to the outside of the cage bars.

TABU (MOM PI)

Please Adil, don't do this!

ADIL HUSSAIN

No, now matter how painful it is, he must learn... that apparently, tigers can teleport their prey through steel bars and drag them off without spilling even a tiny drop of blood anywhere. OBSERVE, AND REMEMBER!!

TABU

(rolling eyes)

Oh, nicely done. Now let's make him afraid of smoking by drawing a cartoon lung with a frowny face on it.

INT. HOUSE - CANADA - PRESENT DAY

IRRFAN makes RAFE some food. They EAT some of it. This disrupts the pace of the movie IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER.

RAFE SPALL

It's good that your parents were concerned for your well-being.

IRRFAN KHAN

Yes, that must be why they named me after a swimming pool, for which I was constantly mocked and harassed by the other kids. But I decided I could become popular by rebranding myself as a huge math geek.

INT. SCHOOL - INDIA - THE PAST

CHILD IRRFAN is writing out ALL THE NUMBERS OF PI on the chalkboard.

TEACHER

My God, this child has either preposterous mathematical ability, or an astounding memory! I'm sure we'll eventually find out which it is, since we must be setting up a big plot point.

CHILD IRRFAN

Call me Pi!

TEACHER

AND it's the source of the title?! Well now there's NO way we're just forgetting all about this.

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE - CANADA - PRESENT DAY

IRRFAN KHAN

And then everyone forgot all about that, including me, until now. Yep, that was a big loose end that goes nowhere. Isn't this a great story?

RAFE SPALL

(fidgeting)

Er, yeah. Remember, career and belief in God on the line, buddy. Anything else to deal with before we finally get you into the damned lifeboat with the tiger?

IRRFAN KHAN

Oh my, yes!

EXT. INDIA - THE PAST

CHILD IRRFAN goes into a CHURCH.

CHILD IRRFAN

Hello, strange hairy priest. I am learning about all religions, so that later when I imply they're all no better than fairy tales, everyone can be equally insulted.

STRANGE HAIRY PRIEST

Oh. I thought you might be working on a new integrated system of belief that incorporates various...

CHILD IRRFAN

(waving hand)

Nah, I'm gonna stick to a generic, vanilla faith, only with more name-dropping.

(sees clock)

Jesus L. Vishnu, is that the time?! Buddhadammit, I'm late!

(runs off)

INT. HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

IRRFAN KHAN

So eventually I collected all of the different Pokemon, I mean religious teachings. Then I met a nice girl, but Dad decided we had to move to Winnipeg.

RAFE SPALL

The girl subplot goes nowhere too, right? I just want to be prepared.

IRRFAN KHAN

Exactly. Well, there's a bit of a thematic echo about "no goodbyes", but that's it. So we all took the next boat to Canada, which was a Japanese cargo vessel with a French cook.

RAFE SPALL

I'm thinking the author of the original novel got additional government arts funding for each nationality he included?

IRRFAN KHAN

That's what we figured, yeah.

INT. BOAT - THE PAST

The FAMILY OF PI is in line to get FOOD.

GERARD DEPARDIEU

So, tonight's special is... turkey pot PIE. And then I made some pumpkin PIE for dessert. Heh, heh heh.

ADIL HUSSAIN

OH FUCK YOU GERARD!

GERARD DEPARDIEU

OH FUCK YOU TOO!

(pause)

There, that should be enough for a special "And Gerard Depardieu" opening credit.

GERARD leaves the movie and fucks off to RUSSIA to avoid higher taxes because when you want to keep your MONEY safe you take it to FUCKING RUSSIA.

EXT. BOAT - DURING BIG STORM

CHILD IRRFAN, having grown into SURAJ SHARMA, decides to go galavanting above deck during an enormous storm, utterly unsecured to anything, not wholly unlike what a COMPLETE GODDAMN FUCKTARD might do. This is the same character who filled MULTIPLE chalkboards with the digits of pi, you'll recall.

SURAJ SHARMA

(giddily)

Wheeee, enormous storm! Wow, almost got blown overboard, wheeee!

(boat sinks)

Fuck, my family is dead.

SURAJ finds himself in a LIFEBOAT with an ORANGUTAN, a ZEBRA, a HYENA, and the TIGER, who EATS the other animals for being BETTER SCRABBLE WORDS than him.

SURAJ SHARMA

Hm, so as anyone who's read the book already knows, anything corresponding to real events is over. Which means the narrative has to figuratively tread water for...

(checks watch)

...hoo boy.

EXT. THE OCEAN

SURAJ and the TIGER FLOAT AROUND and SWITCH POSITIONS and SWITCH BACK and PEE ON THE TARP and see FISH and WHALES and HALLUCINATE TOGETHER and this takes up a GOOD SOLID HOUR during which the BOAT remains miraculously free of ANY STAINING from BLOOD or GUTS or URINE or TIGER SHIT.

SURAJ SHARMA

I've finally run out of things to do, friend tiger. This... is the end.

TIGER

Wait a sec, there's a stack of Mad Libs under this blanket, I love these!

(grabs book)

Ooh, Canadian Heritage edition! Okay, give me an action verb that reflects our unique and diverse national identity.

SURAJ SHARMA

Let's just die.

But instead they find an ISLAND!

EXT. CRAZY WEIRD ISLAND

SURAJ finds TEN MILLION ANIMATED MEERKATS who are just SLIGHTLY too realistic to be in MADAGASCAR 4.

SURAJ SHARMA

Hey, this place seems really nice. Maybe we can live here.

(notices DHARMA hatch)

Oh, HELL no!

(runs back to boat)

INT. HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

IRRFAN KHAN

So then we floated to Mexico.

RAFE SPALL

Wait, what? Your boat barely moved ten inches over the course of all those flashbacks. Did the tiger vomit up an outboard motor or something?

IRRFAN KHAN

(ignoring him)

Some people found me, but not before the tiger had already left to embark on a successful career selling children's cereal.

INT. HOSPITAL - THE PAST

SURAJ tells his CRAZY TALE to a pair of JAPANESE INSURANCE AGENTS.

INSURANCE AGENT #1

That's quite a tale, Mr. R-Squared. But I'm not sure I buy it.

SURAJ SHARMA

Oh. Well, maybe I was on the lifeboat with my mother, the cook, and another guy, and they all died and I didn't. But I don't see how that's any more plausible than my first story with empathetic tigers and magical person-shaped carnivorous islands.

INSURANCE AGENT #1

Yeah, about that last part. Did you maybe have to eat anybody?

SURAJ SHARMA

No, we left that in the book. Oscar can't condone cannibalism. You wanna eat someone, you better be a pure-evil Hannibal Lecter motherfucker.

The AGENTS step aside to discuss.

INSURANCE AGENT #2

Well whichever version of the story we choose to accept, either way this kid was a real survivor.

INSURANCE AGENT #1

It's true. All that time, out in the heat. Hanging tough, staying hungry.

INSURANCE AGENT #2

He beat the odds, and that's no mean feat. But what do you make of his story?

INSURANCE AGENT #1

(thinks)

May-be... Pi was the tiger? The orangutan might...

INSURANCE AGENT #2

(catching on)

...be his Mom, and the other two their rivals,

INSURANCE AGENT #1

He's the last known survivor of those perilous nights.

INSURANCE AGENT #2

So we're thinking that all along, Piiiii...

(pause)

INSURANCE AGENT #1

...was the tiger.

(pause)

DAH!!

INSURANCE AGENT #2

(playing air guitar)

DAH, DAH!! DAH!!!

INSURANCE AGENT #1

(headbobbing)

DAH, DAH!! DAH!!!

BOTH AGENTS TOGETHER

(rocking out)

DAH, DAH!! DUNNNNN!!!!! PI WAS THE TIII-GER!!!

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

RAFE SPALL

I don't think that last part really happened.

IRRFAN KHAN

Maybe it didn't! Or maybe it did happen, but with animals! Maybe everything I've told you is complete donkeycock! Who can say?

RAFE SPALL

You. You can say.

IRRFAN KHAN

But I won't! I'm offering you truth and lies with equal sincerity! Isn't that far more heartwarming?

RAFE SPALL

Yeah, glossing over painful reality with made-up fantastical bullshit, that's a great way to respect all those people who died.

IRRFAN KHAN

You haven't heard my trump card though.

(actual line)

So it goes with God.

RAFE SPALL

What's THAT supposed to mean? Your refusal to deal with shit is supposed to be a religious epiphany now?

IRRFAN KHAN

Maybe! Or not! Hey did I tell you about the time I beat up Batman? Or maybe I just keyed someone's car. OR DID I?!? It was all a dream! I'm Keyser Soze! What a twist!

RAFE SPALL

I give up.

(leaves)

IRRFAN'S WIFE and TWO KIDS arrive home.

IRRFAN KHAN

How was your day, my sons?

SON #1

It was great! A magical old elephant put his enchanted trunk in my flower bed!

SON #2

Or maybe we got ass-raped by our pedo gym teacher. But WHO'S TO SAY?!!???

(shrugs)

IRRFAN KHAN

(winking to camera)

That's my boys!!

GENERAL LAUGHTER

END