FADE IN:

INT. INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION

A bunch of astronauts float around randomly.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I’m the doctor even though I look like the janitor with a heroin addiction!

REBECCA FERGUSON

I’m the commander! I also have short dark hair and a funny accent!

OLGA DIHOVICHNAYA

I too have short dark hair and a funny accent! Also Russian!

HIROYUKI SANADA

I’m the Asian guy! And I just had a baby!

ARIYON BAKARE

I’m the black guy! I have the legs of a 10 year old boy!

RYAN REYNOLDS

I’m Ryan Reynolds! And that is about as much character development as any of us gets!

REBECCA FERGUSON

A probe containing Mars samples is approaching. Quickly Ryan, use your expert skills in smarminess to reel the probe in.

RYAN uses a robotic arm made out of SNARK to bring the probe onboard.

ARIYON BAKARE

I will use my big nerd brain to revive one of the dormant Martian cells. Big brain, tiny legs. Seriously, I’m like Joe from Family Guy.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

An adorable little girl on Earth has decided to name the Martian cell “Calvin” after one of the more forgettable U.S. Presidents. Grover would have worked better as the more obscure choice.

HIROYUKI SANADA

Calvin you say? I could name my baby that!

OLGA DIHOVICHNAYA

Russkie vodka kalashnikov.

Everyone watches ARIYON inside the quarantine room while he examines CALVIN inside a glass microwave. It has grown from the size of an amoeba to the size of a micro penis.

ARIYON BAKARE

Calvin appears to be bored. I am trying to stimulate it with science but nothing’s happening.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Try throwing some quips and F-Bombs at it!

ARIYON BAKARE

I’m not wearing a skintight red suit or swords on my back so that didn’t work.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Try showing it the first season of Marvel’s Iron Fist!

ARIYON BAKARE

I did. Calvin got three episodes in and then lost interest.

REBECCA FERGUSON

It looks like a penis, right? Try stroking it!

ARIYON BAKARE

Hey, that worked! Now Calvin’s grown into a starfish made of tongues! It looks so small and adorable!

HIROYUKI SANADA

Like my baby!

OLGA DIHOVICHNAYA

Da!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Calvin is made entirely out of brain and muscle! That means it’s super intelligent while also being able to rip a phone book in half!

ARIYON BAKARE

Knowing that, I’ve determined the best way to interact with this new unknown form of alien life is to try and piss it off!

(electrocutes Calvin)

OH SHIT it’s got my hand in a vice-like Trump handshake! It’s painfully awkward and awkwardly painful!

CALVIN breaks ARIYON’s hand, which somehow DEFIES GRAVITY. ARIYON passes out.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Sooooo let’s hit that incinerator button on Calvin’s containment box and call it a day.

REBECCA FERGUSON

We don’t have one of those!

RYAN REYNOLDS

What?! Then let’s hit the button that depressurizes the quarantine room and vents Calvin out into space!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

We don’t have one of those either!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Fuck! Well in that case let’s just stick our thumbs up our asses and do nothing!

This HAPPENS.

Meanwhile CALVIN uses ARIYON’s taser wand to escape containment!

REBECCA FERGUSON

The fuck? How the hell did Calvin figure out how to use tools? It was born yesterday!

HIROYUKI SANADA

So was my baby!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Calvin’s just a little scared creature. How dangerous could it really be?

They watch CALVIN viciously liquefy and consume a LAB RAT.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Jesus monkey balls, if that thing escapes quarantine we’re all doomed! Doooomed!

RYAN enters the quarantine room because he is a DUMBASS.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Oh no! I got Ariyon out of the room but Calvin latched on to my leg before I could escape! I’m going to use this flamethrower to kill it!

RYAN scorches every surface in the room but CALVIN survives!

REBECCA FERGUSON

My God, Calvin must secrete some kind of SPF sunscreen! Fire won’t kill it! You’re going to have to try something crazy!

RYAN REYNOLDS

You mean like eat it? I've seen enough Hentai to know that's not going to end well but I guess it’s worth a try.

(swallows Calvin)

(immediately regrets this decision)

(dies!)

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Shit! Calvin just killed our biggest star! We’re doomed! Doooooomed!!!!

CALVIN emerges from RYAN’s body TWICE AS BIG!

REBECCA FERGUSON

WHY ARE WE NOT HITTING THE BUTTON THAT DETACHES THAT ROOM FROM THE STATION AND INTO SPACE ALREADY?!

ARIYON BAKARE

The plot says we don’t have one of those! And Ryan’s flamethrower has activated the “release Calvin into the station” subroutine which was also linked to the “radio conveniently stops working for no goddamn reason“ array! We can’t talk to Earth!

OLGA goes outside the station to fix the problem but that motherfucker CALVIN latches onto her space suit!

OLGA DIHOVICHNAYA

Nyet!

REBECCA FERGUSON

Okay back up, so Calvin can survive in the vacuum of space too? Didn’t we establish it’s a carbon based life form that breathes oxygen?

ARIYON BAKARE

Yes, but it survived dormant on the surface of Mars... which is comparable to outer space? Somehow? Science!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Or in other words Calvin can live without oxygen for as long as the plot needs it to.

OLGA DIHOVICHNAYA

Dasvidanya comrades!

(dies!)

REBECCA FERGUSON

Well Calvin’s trapped outside the station now and will eventually suffocate so I’d call that

(turns directly to camera)

Mission: Accomplished!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Unless Calvin crawls back inside through one of our thruster nozzles.

REBECCA FERGUSON

But wouldn’t that be like trying to crawl into a jet plane through the exhaust? Shouldn’t that whole system be sealed off with metal compartments Calvin can’t punch through? And how the fuck is it even able to crawl outside the station without floating off into space?

ARIYON BAKARE

It appears Calvin has evolved beyond the need for logic!

The crew lets CALVIN back inside the station because they have become CO-DEPENDENT.

ARIYON BAKARE

Sure that might make us look like total morons, but we’re just protecting the planet. Calvin could conceivably survive re-entry and touch down on Earth.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Do we seriously think Calvin could survive being exposed to 3000 degrees of heat during re-entry for several minutes, falling 11 or so miles, and hitting the ground?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

We are going by the assumption Calvin absorbed Deadpool powers when he ate Ryan, so yes.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Have we even attempted communicating with it and making peace? Who knows, maybe Kendall Jenner offering Calvin a Pepsi might stop it from violently murdering us all.

ARIYON BAKARE

It’s not Calvin’s fault, you know. It’s just trying to survive. It’s probably a really nice space monster once you get to know it.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Waaaaait a minute... Ariyon, did you go Full Prometheus and fall in love with the killer genital-shaped alien?

ARIYON BAKARE

It told me I was pretty! Erck!

(dead!)

CALVIN has wrapped itself around one of ARIYON’s gimp legs!

HIROYUKI SANADA

Oh baby!

CALVIN

(reveals its face)

Greetings humans. Cower in fear at my new squid body!

REBECCA FERGUSON

Wait, you have a face now? Well that’s not scary.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Yeah, you were much more terrifying when you were a mutant jellyfish. Now you just look like a hairless Gremlin with wings.

CALVIN

Let’s see if you change your mind after I bite your goddamn face off!!!

CALVIN chases them through the station. JAKE and REBECCA seal themselves in a compartment while HIROYUKI locks himself inside a bed while thinking about his BABY, in case you FORGOT he has one.

A BABY, that is.

HIROYUKI SANADA

It’s my one character trait okay?!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Rebecca and I have managed to trap Calvin in one of the compartments and have vented the oxygen. Soon Calvin will suffocate!

REBECCA FERGUSON

Oh no! Earth has sent a rocket to push us out of Earth's orbit and into space! We call this the “Eros” protocol, which I helped come up with BTW.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

So you and the egg heads at NASA thought up “death rocket” as a firewall but not a “vent quarantine room into space” button?

REBECCA FERGUSON

Well pardon fucking me for not being able to anticipate that we’d be up against the Jason Voorhees of space aliens!

The DEATH ROCKET docks with the station to push it out of earth’s orbit.

HIROYUKI SANADA

Great! I can use that rocket to get back to Earth which has lots of babies, including my own!

CALVIN waits patiently for HIROYUKI to open the rocket hatch before attacking because CALVIN is basically RAMBO by this point.

HIROYUKI SANADA

(while being punched in the face)

BUT BUT BUT BUT MY BAAAAABYYYYYYY!!!

(is rightly fucking killed)

The DEATH ROCKET goes nuts and frags the station GRAVITY-style.

REBECCA FERGUSON

Now the station is in a decaying orbit and falling towards Earth! If that happens Calvin might still survive!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Luckily the station has exactly two escape pods because it knew there would only be two survivors left! I’ll sacrifice myself by luring Calvin into my pod while you take the other down to Earth!

REBECCA FERGUSON

But the pods are pre-programmed to go to Earth! The success of this plan depends entirely on Calvin not murdering the shit out of you while you manually pilot the pod into deep space.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hey, all I have to do is push a lever. How hard could that be?

JAKE uses GLOW STICKS to bait CALVIN into an escape pod while REBECCA gets in the other one and they both LAUNCH.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Now it’s just a matter of keeping my hand on this control stick and--

(is immediately overpowered)

CALVIN

Do you even lift bro?

Meanwhile REBECCA’s pod is damaged by SPACE JUNK.

We then see ONE POD heading down to Earth while the OTHER POD careens off into deep space.

Ooooh, I wonder which one is which?!

REBECCA FERGUSON

Really? The pod going off into space was trailing smoke. It’s super fucking obvious whose pod that is to anyone with eyes and first grade deductive reasoning skills.

CALVIN

Buuuuuut for the sake of a shitty twist ending let’s just pretend for a moment that you puny humans beat me and that I’m not currently raping the fuck out of Jake’s eyebrows right now.

INT. EARTH

The FIRST POD lands in an ocean near some fishermen who come to help and OH SHIT IT’S JAKE’S POD!!!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

(encased in webbing)

DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!!!

FISHERMEN

OPEN THE DOOR?

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

NO! DON’T! DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!

FISHERMEN

WE’RE OPENING THE DOOR!!!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

NO! FUCK! Wait, did you say I’m encased in webbing? Oooooh, so this IS the Venom prequel!

CALVIN

No, that was just hype to get everyone to see this badly concocted Alien-Gravity hybrid. We’re not even going to break even at the box office.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I know. If only we could have gone with our original title “The Martian”. So, seeing as that you are unkillable I suppose you can also reproduce asexually and will use my body to incubate your offspring?

CALVIN

Probably. Just so long as no one discovers my one true weakness.

KENDALL JENNER

(offers Calvin a Pepsi)

CALVIN

PEPSI?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(explodes!)

Okay that part didn't happen but IT SHOULD HAVE.

END