FADE IN:

INT. CAMERON'S APARTMENT

CAMERON DIAZ and NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU are about to have stranger sex.

CAMERON DIAZ

Wait wait wait!

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

You're right, we should talk first since we hardly know each other. I mean you could be a member of the tea party or have a raging case of herpes or something.

CAMERON DIAZ

No I meant my necklace was stuck. Let's fuck.

They DO. And then they have a montage of dates, beach walks, loving glares, and picnics. But then NIKOLAJ goes home to his wife LESLIE MANN you already knew he had.

INT. LESLIE AND NIKOLAJ'S HOUSE

Hideous old crone LESLIE MANN walks around in a granny gown and pees right in front of her husband like she is some kind of kind of feral beast.

LESLIE MANN

Hey Nikolaj I don't think you should eat real bacon anymore because I heard a man had to cut a chunk out of his head and attach it to his groin from having high cholesterol. I actually tell this story. This is what wives do you see; have bodily functions and tell absurd stories.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

Righty-o honey. Oh by the way I need you to sign this here document which you do not understand other than it has a very large sum on it and it is going to "the accountant."

LESLIE MANN

Yeah sure. You're my husband so I totally trust signing various documents I can't understand. A whole bunch of times. I am such a dummmy I should go to "brain camp".

LESLIE rambles about "brain camp" for about thirty minutes.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

You're so cute. I can't wait to listen to more of your endless ridiculously non edited ramblings throughout the rest of this movie.

INT. CAMERON DIAZ'S LAW OFFICE

NICKY MINAJ is in this movie as CAMERON'S secretary to make it that much more irritating.

NICKI MINAJ

So like who is this guy you're seeing. It must be serious because you don't have like twelve other boyfriends at the same time.

CAMERON DIAZ

Yes that's right I usually bang tons of guys at once but this one is special. And Jesus Christ your voice is irritating. People listen to you willingly?

NICKI MINAJ

I'm also a terrible person. I say things like "selfish people get what they want", "I've destroyed two marriages but one doesn't count because it was mine", AND "pretty women don't have to work, they should just marry well".

CAMERON DIAZ

I hope you aren't in this movie much.

NICKI MINAJ

That's about all I contribute.

NIKOLAJ has plans to meet CAMERON and her dad, but he has to go home to LESLIE because juggling bitches is hard. CAMERON decides to surprise him in a sexy plumber outfit. With a plunger. Because plungers are really hot.

EXT. NIKOLAJ AND LESLIE'S FRONT PORCH.

LESLIE opens the door.

CAMERON DIAZ

Hey there I'm looking for Nikolaj...

LESLIE MANN

Well I'm his wife.

CAMERON DIAZ

I..... meant Nicolajaoulsy Smith? I might be at the wrong house...

LESLIE MANN

Smoooothe...

CAMERON breaks a heel and wobbles away.The next day LESLIE shows up at CAMERON'S office.

LESLIE MANN

Turns out I don't have a baby brain and I found out you must be sleeping with my husband.

CAMERON DIAZ

Yes I guess that was obvious... So how are you going to handle this?

LESLIE MANN

By having about 170 overacting panic attacks drenched in alcohol repeatedly throughout this movie. In fact I'm about to projectile vomit into my purse. There will also be a scene of me in my wedding dress eating ice cream, drinking vodka and eating whipped cream out of the can all at once. I'll also attack his home office with a golf club. That's what all women do when they realize their marriage is destroyed.

CAMERON DIAZ

OK but you also have to keep calling me, showing up at my house and work, and forcing yourself into my life despite my repeated objections.

LESLIE does this.

INT. CAMERON'S APARTMENT

LESLIE MANN

Wow your apartment is douchey. Your furniture has fuzz on it. Seriously it looks like it was designed by the design people from Miami Vice.

DON JOHNSON

Hold your horses, I don't show up until later.

CAMERON DIAZ

Don't you have any friends you can unravel with?

LESLIE MANN

NO! They're all his friends and I don't want them to know what an ass he is for some reason.

TAYLOR KINNEY

Ahem. I'm in this. As your incredibly sweet and understanding brother who also hates your husband. I would probably make a pretty decent companion at this ti-

CAMERON DIAZ

No sir. You don't come in until I need a love interest.

CAMERON and LESLIE get hammered, braid their hair, and share their shoes and clothes. LESLIE makes soul crushing attempts to make sense of her husband's infidelity by blaming her totally hideous body.

LESLIE MANN

I bet you have a great body, whereas I, Leslie Mann am clearly a lump of dried up old potatoes.

CAMERON DIAZ

Well do you have a bush? Because I don't know if you've heard, but retro bushes are a man's worst nightmare. It's a proven fact that before the last couple of decades, men had sex with women totally unwillingly while recoiling in disgust at the hideous animal growing on vaginas.

LESLIE MANN

I've heard. But we hardly see each other naked. I don't know why that is. We are married and don't have kids... But anyway what I need to do right now is have several more break downs.

Later on, LESLIE prepares to have sex with NIKOLAJ for some reason and shaves her completely hairless underarms while NIKOLAJ takes a phone call that is obviously from a woman. She decides against fucking him. She realizes that NIKOLAJ has a new woman so CAMERON and LESLIE follow him to the beach where LESLIE'S brother has a house.

EXT. BEACH

CAMERON and LESLIE spy on NIKOLAJ and his new woman, KATE UPTON.

CAMERON DIAZ

That asshole! She is stunning! That sick stupid fuck, I cannot believe he found a woman even hotter than me!!

LESLIE MANN

Um. Aside from my supposedly monstrous man eating bush, I am extremely attractive. Based on this movie's script I should probably look like Gollum. Gollum with a giant bush. Now I have to go attack Kate over there for apparently surpassing both of us in ass, vagina, and boobs.

LESLIE tries to attack KATE but CAMERON stops her while KATE can't help but notice the lady fight going on in the sand.

CAMERON DIAZ

Ok Kate, that guy you're fucking is her husband and we are getting together to destroy him. I mean the movie has been running for like a fucking hour now but we're just getting around to that.

KATE UPTON

I'm in. However I should warn you I'm insultingly moronic. Now let's cut to drinking large amounts of alcohol while "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" plays. WOW. It is hard to deliver lines!

This actually happens.

LESLIE MANN

OK well now let's get this thing in motion to get revenge. I wonder if those numerous documents I've been signing for years might be useful... If only I had read them. Well I guess I can resort to making him grow gigantically awkward nipples and making his hair fall out. That is better than kicking him out and calling a divorce lawyer immediately.

CAMERON DIAZ

And actually imperative to the plot as it will turn out.

LESLIE makes NIKOLAJ grow nipples and makes his hair fall out. CAMERON makes him have the shits in an unnecessarily long scene and any allure he may have had as an evil regal incestuous yet darkly sexy man, declines dramatically.

KATE UPTON

And I decide to have sex with him. None of us are giving it to him and we need to get more information from him about what a terrible person he is. Phew! Another line delivered!

LESLIE MANN

Um..no? Could you please not fuck my husband?

CAMERON DIAZ

I know I know. We can do rock paper scissors.

They do rock paper scissors to figure out who gets to fuck Nikolaj. Kate wins but instead of fucking him she tells him she has chlamydia.

KATE UPTON

A four letter word. I delivered a four letter word.

LESLIE MANN

Kate you are absolutely stunning, don't you think it would have been useful to the movie to give you a working brain instead of making you basically a doorknob with an amazing body?

KATE UPTON

Well at least I'm not falling in love with one of your fathers.

DON JOHNSON

That's where I come in. I'm Cameron's sleazy father who has been married five times.

KATE UPTON

And we're about to make that six. That is a forty-three year age difference.

CAMERON DIAZ

So this movie is also largely insulting to men as well.

DON JOHNSON

Yes it looks that way.

CAMERON DIAZ

Ok Leslie, well I've worked through a whole lot of paper work and we wrote on a dry erase board so now I have discovered that Nikolaj has been embezzling money from companies and he has made you the CEO of his incredibly illegal business so that if he was every busted, you would be the one going to prison

LESLIE MANN

Oh so that's why they say that you should read things before signing them...

CAMERON DIAZ

Yes the fact that you had no idea you are a CEO is completely ridiculous.

The ladies follow NIKOLAJ to the Bahamas where the see him with another woman whom he takes to the bank. Because everyone follows their beach grope dates with visits to the bank. LESLIE gets hammered and dances and then withdraws all of his money.

INT. CAMERON'S OFFICE WHERE UNFORTUNATELY WE HAVE TO ENCOUNTER NICKI MINAJ AGAIN

NIKOLAJ shows up for what he thinks is a meeting with CAMERON but is actually a painfully embarrassing farce with all three of the women.

LESLIE MANN

Well I took all the money you had stolen and gave it back. This will somehow allow you to avoid prison time.

NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU

I'm going to react to this by losing any sense of my surroundings and walk directly into a glass room. Twice. Thankfully Cameron's conference room is a room made entirely of class walls so I can fall into it.

HE does this.

CAMERON DIAZ

Well now that we have all proven that we don't need a man to bring an end to one, I will end up with Taylor and get pregnant.

KATE UPTON

And I marry Don Johnson and travel the globe to keep up with the summer seasons because apparently you can do that.

LESLIE MANN

And now I run a legitimate company based on my hideous ex-husband's connections. And thankfully I don't have a new love interest because forming a bond with other women by obsessing, breaking down and unraveling over one man is all the love I need right now.

END.