FADE IN:

INT. BOWFINGER'S HOUSE

BOWFINGER

Hello, I am Ed Wood, I mean Bobby Bowfinger. I am a crummy director who makes crummy films with crummy reject actors, but who deludes himself into thinking he has actual talent. I will have one major star to try and sell my crummy movie, but I will not have access to the true talents of this major star. But there will be a message about a kind of triumph through loveable failure.

JAMIE KENNEDY

Hello Mr. Wood, I mean Mr. Bowfinger.

NOT ED WOOD

I've found a lousy script on which to risk all our futures.

JAMIE KENNEDY

Let's go for it!

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT

BOWFINGER approaches ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Ah, freedom is sweet.

BOWFINGER

Let me pathetically try to convince you that I'm not a loser. Actually this scene will be pretty funny.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Hmm, fresh air.

WOODFINGER

So will you back my crummy movie?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

What a comfortable chair this is. And I can walk around anywhere I want. Life is good.

INT. KIT RAMSEY'S MANSION

KIT RAMSEY

Look how fast I can talk! Saying things fast is funny!

AUDIENCE

So where's that nerdy character from the trailer? I thought the story would be all about that nerdy character. His nose got all wrinkly and stuff. That's pretty nerdy.

INT. BELA LUGOSI'S HOUSE, ER.. BOWFINGER'S HOUSE

NOT ED WOOD (BOWFINGER)

What a bunch of loveable losers I have to help me. Now let's make our preposterously crappy movie.

HEATHER GRAHAM takes her top off.

LOSER ACTOR

This should be fun and amusing, as long as it's understood that our final product is going to be unwatchable by anybody.

NOT ED WOOD

No, I think that although this movie seems to be happening in the real world, there will be a gala presentation of this crappy film which will be less technically adept than the lousiest student film you ever saw, at which people will applaud and behave as though it's not total crap.

NERDY EDDIE

Oh hey look, I'm doing the nerdy character.

AUDIENCE

There he is! I spotted him! Too bad I remember 93% of these scenes from the trailer.

INT. RELIGIOUS INSTITUTE THAT BEARS NO RESEMBLANCE TO ANY RELIGIOUS INSTITUTE FROM REAL LIFE AND ESPECIALLY NOT SCIENTOLOGY

KIT RAMSEY

I'm still talking really damned fast.

VAMPIRA

Have either of you seen Ed?

INT. NOT ED WOOD'S HOUSE

NOT ED WOOD

Well, we got our crappy film made with just enough time left over to plug Federal Express.

NOT TOR JOHNSON

Yeah, it was quite an experience.

NOT BUNNY BECKENRIDGE

I had a great time.

There follows an extended KUNG FU sequence to make the trailer look punchier.

AUDIENCE

Wow, they sold me on seeing this movie based on a minor character and the final tag-on scene. But I must admit that "Ed Wood" sure is a great bit of work.

TIM BURTON

Why, thank you.

END