The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
EXT. GUNBARREL SEQUENCE BUT THIS TIME WITHOUT THE BLOOD WHAAAT
DANIEL CRAIG
(shooting toward camera)
Hope that’s not foreshadowing anything!
INT. NORWEGIAN CABIN
COLINE DEFAUD takes care of her mother MATHILDE BOURBIN.
MATHILDE BOURBIN
(guzzles booze)
More like Mathilde BOURBON, amirite?! Hic!
Suddenly, RAMI MALEK attacks wearing a NOH MASK and murders MATHILDE!
RAMI MALEK
Your husband Jesper Christensen killed my family!
(crickets)
Uh...Mr. White? He's been in like half of these movies.
COLINE DEFAUD
(shoots RAMI)
That’s for making me remember Quantum of Solace!
RAMI MALEK
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN SHOOT ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIE-EEE-IIIE?!
The relentlessly indestructible MAN IN A WHITE MASK chases COLINE and makes the AUDIENCE wonder if they accidentally wandered into Halloween Kills.
COLINE DEFAUD
(falls into frozen lake)
RAMI MALEK
I could let you drown...but I’ll save you by shooting a million bullets directly at your face instead.
EXT. ITALIAN SYMBOLISM FESTIVAL
COLINE grows up to be LÉA SEYDOUX and enjoys blissful retirement with DANIEL CRAIG.
DANIEL CRAIG
I know things didn’t work out so well the last time Bond said this to a woman while driving on a mountain road, but...
(dramatic pause)
We have all the time in the world.
LÉA SEYDOUX
(sigh)
I’m not making it past the opening credits, am I?
DANIEL CRAIG
Oh don’t worry, I only meant that this is nearly three hours long.
LÉA SEYDOUX
In that case, we definitely have time to keep retreading your other movies, so you should pay your respects at Eva Green’s grave. Just don’t think too hard about how a British agent who died in Venice ended up buried in this random village.
EVA GREEN’S TOMB
(explodes)
DANIEL CRAIG
Why do I get betrayed every time I find true love and retire to frolic around Italy?!
LÉA SEYDOUX
I swear it wasn’t me!
DANIEL CRAIG
La-la-la-la-la I can’t hear you over the sound of my Aston Martin’s fan-service gadgets!
LÉA SEYDOUX
But --
DANIEL CRAIG
(doing donuts)
GADGETS GADGETS GADGETS
DANIEL dumps LÉA right into the:
EXT. OPENING CREDITS
BILLIE EILISH
(singing)
I should have known
Daniel wasn't done
Back for one more
Let's just hope this time
We aren't all quite as bored
(verse)
Can you even understand me?
Am I whispering too much?
Please tell Finneas to turn the volume up
(chorus)
'Cause we’ve pulled out all the stops
We'll blame COVID if this flops
Delay me once, postpone me twice
Will the next Bond still be white?
It’s Craig’s last time as the spy
And Malek is the baaa-aaa-aaad guy!
INT. MACGUFFIN LAB - FIVE YEARS LATER
EUROTRASH HITMAN DALI BENSALLAH kidnaps SCIENTIST DAVID DENCIK.
DALI BENSALLAH
I’d like something that involves as many trending topics as possible, please.
DAVID DENCIK
Hmm, we’ve got a Pete Davidson NFT that manipulates Dogecoin, an Evil Space Billionaire Starter Kit...ooh, how about a virus-spreading bioweapon?
DALI BENSALLAH
Gee, no wonder Rami was wearing that mask.
PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE
Don’t look at us like that, we actually wrote this way before COVID!
INT. DANIEL’S JAMAICAN BACHELOR PAD
DANIEL lounges around like a cool divorced uncle until CIA AGENTS JEFFREY WRIGHT and BILLY MAGNUSSEN contact him via an obscure CIGAR EASTER EGG.
THE ONE PERSON WHO REMEMBERS DIE ANOTHER DAY
I feel SEEN!
BILLY MAGNUSSEN
Daniel, I just want to say I’m a huge fan -- I even based my whole “blonde hunk with prominent ears” schtick on you.
JEFFREY WRIGHT
We’ve spotted David Dencik in Cuba. Want to help us bring him in?
DANIEL CRAIG
I’d rather break this prominently-placed Heineken bottle and slash my wrists.
(sees paycheck)
I’m IN!
DANIEL meets AGENT LASHANA LYNCH, who is also after DAVID.
LASHANA LYNCH
Actually, it’s Lynch, Lashana Lynch...because I’m the new 007! Between this and Captain Marvel, I really seem to have a thing for projects that trigger toxic fanboy meltdowns.
DANIEL CRAIG
Hey, I’m just glad they didn’t cast Chris Pratt for once.
INT. BUENA VISTA EVIL CLUB
DANIEL rendezvous with rookie agent ANA DE ARMAS.
ANA DE ARMAS
Hola! Sorry if I’m nervous, I’m just worried about being so adorkably charming that everyone will forget all about Léa.
DANIEL CRAIG
Léa Sey-who?
In one of the zaniest Bond setpieces since ROGER MOORE went to SPACE, DANIEL and ANA infiltrate a BIRTHDAY PARTY for CHRISTOPH WALTZ’S EYEBALL.
ANA DE ARMAS
...da fuuuck?
DANIEL CRAIG
You see, Christoph, Jeffrey, Léa, and even Mathieu Amalric from a few movies back are all linked by a sinister organization called --
ANA DE ARMAS
The French Dispatch!
DANIEL CRAIG
Well, yeah. But also "Spectre"! Now be careful, they have henchmen everywhere.
ANA DE ARMAS
Copy that. We'll need to keep our guns ready and our...knives out.
(winks)
DANIEL CRAIG
(winks)
CHRISTOH WALTZ’S BIONIC EYEBALL
(winks)
DALI deploys the MACGUFFIN VIRUS to kill DANIEL, but DAVID has altered it to kill SPECTRE instead!
DANIEL CRAIG
Ah soospect fawl plei.
LASHANA LYNCH
(descending from a skylight)
Thankfully there are still plenty of faceless goons left for an action sequence!
LASHANA grabs DAVID, but ANA steals him back along with a car, a cigar, and the ENTIRE MOVIE while she’s at it! Meanwhile, DANIEL DRINKS twelve more shots and occasionally SHOOTS SOME, too.
ANA DE ARMAS
You can escape in Lashana’s plane!
DANIEL CRAIG
Yeah right, it’s not like a highly-trained agent just leaves the keys in the ignition and oh yup, there they are. Adiós!
INT. USS EXPOSITION
DANIEL, JEFFREY, and BILLY try to figure out who DAVID is working for by yelling over each other for ten minutes.
BILLY MAGNUSSEN
We’re definitely not both working for Rami wait who said Rami I didn’t say Rami you said Rami!
BILLY shoots JEFFREY, sinks the boat, and escapes with DAVID.
DANIEL CRAIG
Hang on, Jeffrey! You’re going to smoke Ana’s cigar and die of cancer like a real man.
JEFFREY WRIGHT
It’s too late for me; you couldn’t pull me all the way to surface even if I was a little...Leiter.
(grins at camera)
(dies)
INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE AGENCY LED BY RALPH FIENNES - NO, NOT KINGSMAN, THE OTHER ONE
DANIEL reports for duty.
RALPH FIENNES
Welcome back -- I’m still a stuffy twat.
NAOMIE HARRIS
I have even less to do than in the last movie, especially since sexual harrassment claims have plummeted ever since you left.
BEN WHISHAW
And I’m gay now!
DANIEL CRAIG
(taking calming breaths)
Don’t make an LGBT-Q pun, don’t make an LGBT-Q pun...
Elsewhere in London, LÉA skips to her office and finds RAMI waiting.
LÉA SEYDOUX
Tra-la-la, I’ve finally left the world of spies and assassins behind by...working for MI6 as Christoph Waltz’s personal psychiatrist? Hmm.
RAMI MALEK
As you can probably guess from my disfigured face and whispery accent, I am evil. Sometimes I even just...
(extre-e-e-e-mely long pause)
(seriously, some insects don’t live this long)
...stop talking to be extra menacing.
LÉA SEYDOUX
Actually I thought the movie froze, but okay.
RAMI MALEK
Anyhoo, I also saved your life in that opening scene, so you owe me! Wear this poison perfume the next time you see Christoph.
INT. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
DANIEL visits CHRISTOPH for help and meets LÉA.
DANIEL CRAIG
(sniffing)
Ooh, is that the official 007 Ocean Royale cologne?
(spritzes gleefully)
CHRISTOPH arrives in a sequence that’s creepier than all of his scenes in Spectre put together.
LÉA SEYDOUX
(flees in terror)
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(aiming finger pistol)
Au revoir, Léa!
DANIEL attempts to carve the SPECTRE SYMBOL into CHRISTOPH’S FOREHEAD, but accidentally infects him with the MURDER PERFUME instead!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Léa didn’t actually betray you, you know.
DANIEL CRAIG
You did spend the whole last movie pulling off elaborate schemes just to fuck with me, so I probably should have suspected something.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
To be fair, my whole diabolical plot depended on no one in this maximum-security prison realizing I was doing terrorism with a FUCKING ROBOT EYE!
(laughs maniacally)
(dies)
INT. NORWAY, WHICH BETWEEN THIS AND BLACK WIDOW IS THE HOT NEW DESTINATION FOR SPIES ON THE RUN!
DANIEL uses his SPY-DEY SENSE to track down LÉA.
DANIEL CRAIG
So your plan was to hide in your childhood home, the one place Rami definitely knows about?
LÉA SEYDOUX
Hey, I learned it from Skyfall! Also I have a kid now, but she’s not yours.
LISA-DORAH SONNET
(blinks piercingly blue eyes)
(drinks apple juice shaken, not stirred)
DANIEL CRAIG
Uh-huh, sure. Although honestly, I assumed I couldn’t even have kids after Mads Mikkelsen pulverized my thunderballs.
BILLY and his GOONS attack, but DANIEL goes FULL EWOK to take them out with TREE TRAPS!
BILLY MAGNUSSEN
Look, Daniel’s waving at us to come that way -- I see absolutely no reason we shouldn't forget we have guns and just drive straight into this dense fog!
(collides directly with tree)
DANIEL CRAIG
I hope you don’t find defeat to be too...crushing.
(drops car on BILLY)
(puts on sunglasses)
CUE: JAMES BOND THEME
But RAMI captures LÉA and LISA-DORAH!
CUE: SAD TROMBONE
INT. SPY PLANE SO BRITISH IT COMES WITH ITS OWN TACTICAL TEA SET
DANIEL embraces his DAD VIBES by suiting up for battle in a LANDS’ END SWEATER.
BEN WISHAW
Rami’s holding Léa and Lisa-Dorah captive on his secret island base, so to rescue them you’ll have to --
DANIEL CRAIG
Swim up with a dead bird tied to my head! No, wait, I know: dress as a clown! Or even better, I’ll “become Japanese” and --
BEN WISHAW
HOLY FUCK just take this glider thingamajig.
EXT. EVIL ISLAND OF EVIL
LÉA and LISA-DORAH watch RAMI mope around in his plague garden.
RAMI MALEK
I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me.
LÉA SEYDOUX
Because you’re yet another villain with an island lair bent on world domination!
RAMI MALEK
Doctor, no! Take her away, Dali.
DALI BENSSALAH
The birthday party poison didn’t kill me, so Billy recruited me in a blink-and-you-miss-it scene and now I work for the guy whose whole deal was hating Spectre. Logical, right?
It ISN'T.
INT. OBLIGATORY STEALTH LEVEL
DANIEL and LASHANA infiltrate the base.
LASHANA LYNCH
It’s worse than we thought -- Rami has enough nanobots to kill millions! If this were the sixties he’d probably even have a silly villain name like Mr. Robot.
RAMI MALEK
As if being named “Lyutsifer” is so subtle.
DANIEL CRAIG
You already got your revenge on Spectre, so why do you want to go full megalomaniac now?
RAMI MALEK
(shrugs)
DANIEL CRAIG
At least spare Léa and Lisa-Dorah from this monstrosity.
RAMI MALEK
Bismillah, no! I will not let them go.
(pause)
Except for Lisa-Dorah -- I totally just let her go.
Sick of getting kidnapped two movies in a row, LÉA actually manages to FREE HERSELF this time! DANIEL and LASHANA mow down enough HENCHMEN to earn a KILLSTREAK and call in a MISSILE STRIKE.
DAVID DENCIK
(teetering over vat of acid)
Hey Lashana, now seems like the perfect time to remind you that apart from being an accessory to mass murder, I’m also super racist.
LASHANA LYNCH
This! Is! SPY-ARTA!
(kicks DAVID)
INT. THE RAID
DANIEL fights his way up a TOWER OF BAD GUYS and blows up DALI with a DAD JOKE, but RAMI finally does what no Bond villain has managed yet and JUST SHOOTS HIM.
RAMI MALEK
I’ve also infected you with a poison that will kill Léa and Lisa-Dorah if you see them again. What, you thought you could just do a five-year time jump, have a kid in a lakehouse, and then make a heroic sacrifice to stop me? I am...inevitable!
DANIEL CRAIG
And I...am Bond. James Bond.
DANIEL SNAPS the FUCK out of RAMI’S arm.
RAMI MALEK
You should’ve gone for the head --
DANIEL also SHOOTS HIM sixteen times.
LÉA SEYDOUX
Daniel, it’s not too late! You could still...
(flips through You Only Live Twice)
Escape the death garden via hot air balloon but get amnesia and then plow your way through a sex handbook until you get your memory back!
Despite having survived twenty other explosions to the face throughout the movie, DANIEL ACTUALLY DIES in an ending that perfectly wraps up his time as Bond and I’m not crying you’re crying!
INT. WAIT WTF THEY ACTUALLY JUST KILLED JAMES BOND
Everyone gathers for a memorial.
LÉA SEYDOUX
Family, a surprisingly emotional ending with us driving off into the sunset, and prominent light beer advertising -- what is this, Furious 007?
RALPH FIENNES
Speaking of booze, let’s honor Daniel by doing what he did best: getting absolutely fucking blotto on the job.
LASHANA LYNCH
So who's gonna be the next Bond -- me? Henry Golding? Cavill?
(sighs)
It is gonna be Chris Pratt, isn't it?
IDRIS ELBA
(cries into vodka martini)
Free of Bond-age at last, DANIEL joins PIERCE BROSNAN in Mamma Mia 3.
END.