FADE IN:

EXT. GUNBARREL SEQUENCE BUT THIS TIME WITHOUT THE BLOOD WHAAAT

DANIEL CRAIG

(shooting toward camera)

Hope that’s not foreshadowing anything!

INT. NORWEGIAN CABIN

COLINE DEFAUD takes care of her mother MATHILDE BOURBIN.

MATHILDE BOURBIN

(guzzles booze)

More like Mathilde BOURBON, amirite?! Hic!

Suddenly, RAMI MALEK attacks wearing a NOH MASK and murders MATHILDE!

RAMI MALEK

Your husband Jesper Christensen killed my family!

(crickets)

Uh...Mr. White? He's been in like half of these movies.

COLINE DEFAUD

(shoots RAMI)

That’s for making me remember Quantum of Solace!

RAMI MALEK

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN SHOOT ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIE-EEE-IIIE?!

The relentlessly indestructible MAN IN A WHITE MASK chases COLINE and makes the AUDIENCE wonder if they accidentally wandered into Halloween Kills.

COLINE DEFAUD

(falls into frozen lake)

RAMI MALEK

I could let you drown...but I’ll save you by shooting a million bullets directly at your face instead.

EXT. ITALIAN SYMBOLISM FESTIVAL

COLINE grows up to be LÉA SEYDOUX and enjoys blissful retirement with DANIEL CRAIG.

DANIEL CRAIG

I know things didn’t work out so well the last time Bond said this to a woman while driving on a mountain road, but...

(dramatic pause)

We have all the time in the world.

LÉA SEYDOUX

(sigh)

I’m not making it past the opening credits, am I?

DANIEL CRAIG

Oh don’t worry, I only meant that this is nearly three hours long.

LÉA SEYDOUX

In that case, we definitely have time to keep retreading your other movies, so you should pay your respects at Eva Green’s grave. Just don’t think too hard about how a British agent who died in Venice ended up buried in this random village.

EVA GREEN’S TOMB

(explodes)

DANIEL CRAIG

Why do I get betrayed every time I find true love and retire to frolic around Italy?!

LÉA SEYDOUX

I swear it wasn’t me!

DANIEL CRAIG

La-la-la-la-la I can’t hear you over the sound of my Aston Martin’s fan-service gadgets!

LÉA SEYDOUX

But --

DANIEL CRAIG

(doing donuts)

GADGETS GADGETS GADGETS

DANIEL dumps LÉA right into the:

EXT. OPENING CREDITS

BILLIE EILISH

(singing)

I should have known

Daniel wasn't done

Back for one more

Let's just hope this time

We aren't all quite as bored

(verse)

Can you even understand me?

Am I whispering too much?

Please tell Finneas to turn the volume up

(chorus)

'Cause we’ve pulled out all the stops

We'll blame COVID if this flops

Delay me once, postpone me twice

Will the next Bond still be white?

It’s Craig’s last time as the spy

And Malek is the baaa-aaa-aaad guy!

INT. MACGUFFIN LAB - FIVE YEARS LATER

EUROTRASH HITMAN DALI BENSALLAH kidnaps SCIENTIST DAVID DENCIK.

DALI BENSALLAH

I’d like something that involves as many trending topics as possible, please.

DAVID DENCIK

Hmm, we’ve got a Pete Davidson NFT that manipulates Dogecoin, an Evil Space Billionaire Starter Kit...ooh, how about a virus-spreading bioweapon?

DALI BENSALLAH

Gee, no wonder Rami was wearing that mask.

PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE

Don’t look at us like that, we actually wrote this way before COVID!

INT. DANIEL’S JAMAICAN BACHELOR PAD

DANIEL lounges around like a cool divorced uncle until CIA AGENTS JEFFREY WRIGHT and BILLY MAGNUSSEN contact him via an obscure CIGAR EASTER EGG.

THE ONE PERSON WHO REMEMBERS DIE ANOTHER DAY

I feel SEEN!

BILLY MAGNUSSEN

Daniel, I just want to say I’m a huge fan -- I even based my whole “blonde hunk with prominent ears” schtick on you.

JEFFREY WRIGHT

We’ve spotted David Dencik in Cuba. Want to help us bring him in?

DANIEL CRAIG

I’d rather break this prominently-placed Heineken bottle and slash my wrists.

(sees paycheck)

I’m IN!

DANIEL meets AGENT LASHANA LYNCH, who is also after DAVID.

LASHANA LYNCH

Actually, it’s Lynch, Lashana Lynch...because I’m the new 007! Between this and Captain Marvel, I really seem to have a thing for projects that trigger toxic fanboy meltdowns.

DANIEL CRAIG

Hey, I’m just glad they didn’t cast Chris Pratt for once.

INT. BUENA VISTA EVIL CLUB

DANIEL rendezvous with rookie agent ANA DE ARMAS.

ANA DE ARMAS

Hola! Sorry if I’m nervous, I’m just worried about being so adorkably charming that everyone will forget all about Léa.

DANIEL CRAIG

Léa Sey-who?

In one of the zaniest Bond setpieces since ROGER MOORE went to SPACE, DANIEL and ANA infiltrate a BIRTHDAY PARTY for CHRISTOPH WALTZ’S EYEBALL.

ANA DE ARMAS

...da fuuuck?

DANIEL CRAIG

You see, Christoph, Jeffrey, Léa, and even Mathieu Amalric from a few movies back are all linked by a sinister organization called --

ANA DE ARMAS

The French Dispatch!

DANIEL CRAIG

Well, yeah. But also "Spectre"! Now be careful, they have henchmen everywhere.

ANA DE ARMAS

Copy that. We'll need to keep our guns ready and our...knives out.

(winks)

DANIEL CRAIG

(winks)

CHRISTOH WALTZ’S BIONIC EYEBALL

(winks)

DALI deploys the MACGUFFIN VIRUS to kill DANIEL, but DAVID has altered it to kill SPECTRE instead!

DANIEL CRAIG

Ah soospect fawl plei.

LASHANA LYNCH

(descending from a skylight)

Thankfully there are still plenty of faceless goons left for an action sequence!

LASHANA grabs DAVID, but ANA steals him back along with a car, a cigar, and the ENTIRE MOVIE while she’s at it! Meanwhile, DANIEL DRINKS twelve more shots and occasionally SHOOTS SOME, too.

ANA DE ARMAS

You can escape in Lashana’s plane!

DANIEL CRAIG

Yeah right, it’s not like a highly-trained agent just leaves the keys in the ignition and oh yup, there they are. Adiós!

INT. USS EXPOSITION

DANIEL, JEFFREY, and BILLY try to figure out who DAVID is working for by yelling over each other for ten minutes.

BILLY MAGNUSSEN

We’re definitely not both working for Rami wait who said Rami I didn’t say Rami you said Rami!

BILLY shoots JEFFREY, sinks the boat, and escapes with DAVID.

DANIEL CRAIG

Hang on, Jeffrey! You’re going to smoke Ana’s cigar and die of cancer like a real man.

JEFFREY WRIGHT

It’s too late for me; you couldn’t pull me all the way to surface even if I was a little...Leiter.

(grins at camera)

(dies)

INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE AGENCY LED BY RALPH FIENNES - NO, NOT KINGSMAN, THE OTHER ONE

DANIEL reports for duty.

RALPH FIENNES

Welcome back -- I’m still a stuffy twat.

NAOMIE HARRIS

I have even less to do than in the last movie, especially since sexual harrassment claims have plummeted ever since you left.

BEN WHISHAW

And I’m gay now!

DANIEL CRAIG

(taking calming breaths)

Don’t make an LGBT-Q pun, don’t make an LGBT-Q pun...

Elsewhere in London, LÉA skips to her office and finds RAMI waiting.

LÉA SEYDOUX

Tra-la-la, I’ve finally left the world of spies and assassins behind by...working for MI6 as Christoph Waltz’s personal psychiatrist? Hmm.

RAMI MALEK

As you can probably guess from my disfigured face and whispery accent, I am evil. Sometimes I even just...

(extre-e-e-e-mely long pause)

(seriously, some insects don’t live this long)

...stop talking to be extra menacing.

LÉA SEYDOUX

Actually I thought the movie froze, but okay.

RAMI MALEK

Anyhoo, I also saved your life in that opening scene, so you owe me! Wear this poison perfume the next time you see Christoph.

INT. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

DANIEL visits CHRISTOPH for help and meets LÉA.

DANIEL CRAIG

(sniffing)

Ooh, is that the official 007 Ocean Royale cologne?

(spritzes gleefully)

CHRISTOPH arrives in a sequence that’s creepier than all of his scenes in Spectre put together.

LÉA SEYDOUX

(flees in terror)

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

(aiming finger pistol)

Au revoir, Léa!

DANIEL attempts to carve the SPECTRE SYMBOL into CHRISTOPH’S FOREHEAD, but accidentally infects him with the MURDER PERFUME instead!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Léa didn’t actually betray you, you know.

DANIEL CRAIG

You did spend the whole last movie pulling off elaborate schemes just to fuck with me, so I probably should have suspected something.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

To be fair, my whole diabolical plot depended on no one in this maximum-security prison realizing I was doing terrorism with a FUCKING ROBOT EYE!

(laughs maniacally)

(dies)

INT. NORWAY, WHICH BETWEEN THIS AND BLACK WIDOW IS THE HOT NEW DESTINATION FOR SPIES ON THE RUN!

DANIEL uses his SPY-DEY SENSE to track down LÉA.

DANIEL CRAIG

So your plan was to hide in your childhood home, the one place Rami definitely knows about?

LÉA SEYDOUX

Hey, I learned it from Skyfall! Also I have a kid now, but she’s not yours.

LISA-DORAH SONNET

(blinks piercingly blue eyes)

(drinks apple juice shaken, not stirred)

DANIEL CRAIG

Uh-huh, sure. Although honestly, I assumed I couldn’t even have kids after Mads Mikkelsen pulverized my thunderballs.

BILLY and his GOONS attack, but DANIEL goes FULL EWOK to take them out with TREE TRAPS!

BILLY MAGNUSSEN

Look, Daniel’s waving at us to come that way -- I see absolutely no reason we shouldn't forget we have guns and just drive straight into this dense fog!

(collides directly with tree)

DANIEL CRAIG

I hope you don’t find defeat to be too...crushing.

(drops car on BILLY)

(puts on sunglasses)

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

But RAMI captures LÉA and LISA-DORAH!

CUE: SAD TROMBONE

INT. SPY PLANE SO BRITISH IT COMES WITH ITS OWN TACTICAL TEA SET

DANIEL embraces his DAD VIBES by suiting up for battle in a LANDS’ END SWEATER.

BEN WISHAW

Rami’s holding Léa and Lisa-Dorah captive on his secret island base, so to rescue them you’ll have to --

DANIEL CRAIG

Swim up with a dead bird tied to my head! No, wait, I know: dress as a clown! Or even better, I’ll “become Japanese” and --

BEN WISHAW

HOLY FUCK just take this glider thingamajig.

EXT. EVIL ISLAND OF EVIL

LÉA and LISA-DORAH watch RAMI mope around in his plague garden.

RAMI MALEK

I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me.

LÉA SEYDOUX

Because you’re yet another villain with an island lair bent on world domination!

RAMI MALEK

Doctor, no! Take her away, Dali.

DALI BENSSALAH

The birthday party poison didn’t kill me, so Billy recruited me in a blink-and-you-miss-it scene and now I work for the guy whose whole deal was hating Spectre. Logical, right?

It ISN'T.

INT. OBLIGATORY STEALTH LEVEL

DANIEL and LASHANA infiltrate the base.

LASHANA LYNCH

It’s worse than we thought -- Rami has enough nanobots to kill millions! If this were the sixties he’d probably even have a silly villain name like Mr. Robot.

RAMI MALEK

As if being named “Lyutsifer” is so subtle.

DANIEL CRAIG

You already got your revenge on Spectre, so why do you want to go full megalomaniac now?

RAMI MALEK

(shrugs)

DANIEL CRAIG

At least spare Léa and Lisa-Dorah from this monstrosity.

RAMI MALEK

Bismillah, no! I will not let them go.

(pause)

Except for Lisa-Dorah -- I totally just let her go.

Sick of getting kidnapped two movies in a row, LÉA actually manages to FREE HERSELF this time! DANIEL and LASHANA mow down enough HENCHMEN to earn a KILLSTREAK and call in a MISSILE STRIKE.

DAVID DENCIK

(teetering over vat of acid)

Hey Lashana, now seems like the perfect time to remind you that apart from being an accessory to mass murder, I’m also super racist.

LASHANA LYNCH

This! Is! SPY-ARTA!

(kicks DAVID)

INT. THE RAID

DANIEL fights his way up a TOWER OF BAD GUYS and blows up DALI with a DAD JOKE, but RAMI finally does what no Bond villain has managed yet and JUST SHOOTS HIM.

RAMI MALEK

I’ve also infected you with a poison that will kill Léa and Lisa-Dorah if you see them again. What, you thought you could just do a five-year time jump, have a kid in a lakehouse, and then make a heroic sacrifice to stop me? I am...inevitable!

DANIEL CRAIG

And I...am Bond. James Bond.

DANIEL SNAPS the FUCK out of RAMI’S arm.

RAMI MALEK

You should’ve gone for the head --

DANIEL also SHOOTS HIM sixteen times.

LÉA SEYDOUX

Daniel, it’s not too late! You could still...

(flips through You Only Live Twice)

Escape the death garden via hot air balloon but get amnesia and then plow your way through a sex handbook until you get your memory back!

Despite having survived twenty other explosions to the face throughout the movie, DANIEL ACTUALLY DIES in an ending that perfectly wraps up his time as Bond and I’m not crying you’re crying!

INT. WAIT WTF THEY ACTUALLY JUST KILLED JAMES BOND

Everyone gathers for a memorial.

LÉA SEYDOUX

Family, a surprisingly emotional ending with us driving off into the sunset, and prominent light beer advertising -- what is this, Furious 007?

RALPH FIENNES

Speaking of booze, let’s honor Daniel by doing what he did best: getting absolutely fucking blotto on the job.

LASHANA LYNCH

So who's gonna be the next Bond -- me? Henry Golding? Cavill?

(sighs)

It is gonna be Chris Pratt, isn't it?

IDRIS ELBA

(cries into vodka martini)

Free of Bond-age at last, DANIEL joins PIERCE BROSNAN in Mamma Mia 3.

END.