FADE IN:

INT. CASTLE IN SCOTLAND A REALLY LONG FUCKING TIME AGO.

KELLY MACDONALD

I totally hate my mom. She's trying to teach me to be a princess and I'm nobody's bitch goddamit. I'm an expert in archery! I can climb mountains with my bare hands set to saccharine background music! I'm here to contradict gender norms! You've been waiting for me so long!

EMMA THOMPSON

Kelly, your bare hand mountain climbing and expert archery skills are a huge disappointment to me. You need to get married.

KELLY MACDONALD

Ugh. No, please.

BILLY CONNOLLY

Have I mentioned how much I hate bears? Man I hate bears. A bear ate my leg once and I will kill the ever living fuck out of every bear I ever see again. I sure hope no bears will be around because I hate them.

EMMA THOMPSON

I don't have any idea why being forced into a loveless marriage seems so unsatisfying for you. You're a princess. You have to make babies and stuff. Just look at how happy I am with my husband.

BILLY CONNOLLY

(is a bumbling idiot)

KELLY MACDONALD

Seriously, no.

EMMA THOMPSON

Look Kelly, a long time ago, an ancient kingdom collapsed because someone got greedy or something.

KELLY MACDONALD

How is that relevant to me today in any way at all?

EMMA THOMPSON

We're going to force a point across later to clear that up. Anyway, three guys will be here to compete for you. One day you too could be lucky enough to squeeze out atrocious triplets like your brothers. Destiny waits; so get in your girdle.

The three guys show up with their intolerable clans and they are all TERRIBLE.

KELLY MACDONALD

THESE are my options? Seriously? Their genes don't seem diverse enough. And one guy made his pecks dance for Christ's sake.

BILLY CONNOLLY

God I hate bears.

(shudders)

KELLY rebels and competes for her freedom by ripping her girdle and TEARING APART a portrait of her family. SYMBOLISM drips off the screen into a soggy puddle on the floor while KELLY runs away to find herself and become ferociously independent.

EXT. DARK FOREST

KELLY MACDONALD

Actually I'm going to have a talk with a witch. We technically have enough antagonism to work with already; with my mother trying to force me to marry one of those nephew/sons and everything. But I think there's room for a witch.

WITCH JULIE WALTERS

Look at all my bear stuff! Perfect if you're shopping for anyone who's really into bears. Do you know anybody who likes bears? Bear.

KELLY MACDONALD

WHOAAA lady. Your chin hair is distracting. Do you think you can brew up some depilatory cream or wax or something? Anyway, I need your help.

WITCH JULIE WALTERS

Your waist is the same size as your head, so you have no room to talk. But listen, everyone I help was unsatisfied. Got that? I actually say that. Get out FAST.

KELLY MACDONALD

Got it. Here is my request, listen carefully so that you don't get confused. Are you ready? Here goes: change my mom.

WITCH JULIE WALTERS

How conveniently vague so that nothing should get misconstrued. Have her eat this cake and she'll certainly change somehow! Don't trip over that bear on your way out.

INT. CASTLE

KELLY and EMMA reunite.

EMMA THOMPSON

I was so worried! I'm so glad you're back! I love you so much! You still have to pick one of those jackasses to procreate with.

KELLY MACDONALD

While I was out horseback riding I made you this cake. Eat this cake now, please.

EMMA takes one bite of the cake and they walk away.

KELLY MACDONALD

I feel like it might be a bad idea to leave my magic cake lying around. Oh, fuck it.

BILLY CONNOLLY

(attacks a stuffed bear)

EMMA THOMPSON

(turns into one)

KELLY MACDONALD

Oh shit! That witch turned you into a bear? How did she not understand my very clear instructions??

BEAR EMMA THOMPSON

Rowwwwr?

KELLY MACDONALD

Wait did you just try to get dressed? THAT'S your first concern. Because I would be pretty concerned about that fact that you've just made this really huge transition. Into. A. Bear.

BEAR EMMA THOMPSON

Rooowrthefuckrowwwr?

KELLY MACDONALD

Yeah I know. I certainly didn't think this was the route this movie was taking either. But we need to get out of this castle; Billy is here and someone told me one time that he really hates bears.

BEAR EMMA THOMPSON

ROOOOOWR?

KELLY MACDONALD

No mom, I don't know why anyone would get Emma Thompson to do voice work only to have her live most of the movie unable to speak any dialogue.

BILLY CONNOLLY and the huge clan of men run around looking for BEAR EMMA THOMPSON and prepare to kill her. The triplets immediately recognize the BEAR as their MOTHER and help her escape. Also, BAGPIPES.

EXT. SCOTLAND FOREST

KELLY and EMMA find the witch's cabin, but the witch is gone so a hologram witch explains that this movie will unfortunately continue with the disappointing bear miming skit.

HOLOGRAM WITCH JULIE WALTERS

Hi Kelly! I knew you'd be back. Listen if you don't MEND the BOND in two days, the spell will be unbroken and your mom will stay a bear forever. Unless you MEND the BOND. So if you can't think of anything you have torn in the last few hours, then the audience is way ahead of you and getting weary.

EMMA jauntily catches a fish and learns to live as a wild bear. KELLY comes across a dark cave where she finds stones of that ancient greedy guy who crumbled his kingdom.

KELLY MACDONALD

This spell has happened before to that guy who crumbled his kingdom?! I'm not entirely sure how I came to that conclusion based on some broken stones but I'm saying it out loud so it must be true.

KELLY is ATTACKED by ANCIENT BEAR but is saved by BEAR EMMA THOMPSON.

KELLY MACDONALD

Mom! We have to go back to the castle to MEND the BOND that I tore from that tapestry of our family. PHEW! I'm glad I remembered that finally.

BEAR EMMA THOMPSON

Rawwwar?

KELLY MACDONALD

Yeah, I know. A bunch of bear haters are there. And we could have some more adventures out here to symbolically mend our bond instead of sewing something, but the writers are taking this really literally for some reason.

BEAR EMMA THOMPSON

RAWWAR...

KELLY MACDONALD

I realize we had to get you out in a hurry because Billy could sniff you out from across the castle earlier, and your large hairy, repugnant bear ass might send off some red flags. But you can't stay here and be safer, you have to go back with me. Because.

At the castle, BILLY and the room of men are doing their bear hating.

BILLY CONNOLLY

Okay guys. Who would you rather kill? Winnie the Pooh or Yogi?

KELLY and BEAR EMMA THOMPSON sneak in and KELLY tries to quickly make this movie slightly more relevant.

KELLY MACDONALD

SPEECH TIME! Please ignore the bear playing charades in the back of the room. Now is the perfect time to tell you that the way I live and choose my life partner has nothing to do with you. When people insist that things should stay a certain way because of some irrelevant ancient story, you should be very skeptical of that principle. Now, more importantly, has anyone seen a half eaten magic cake lying around?

KELLY leaves to find the BROKEN tapestry she still has to fucking MEND. BILLY and all those bear haters find BEAR EMMA THOMPSON and try to kill her.

KELLY MACDONALD

Well shit. My Dad is going to mount my mom's bear head on a stick. Could I have fucked this up even more?

KELLY'S TRIPLET BROTHERS appear as BEARS. NOBODY is surprised.

KELLY MACDONALD

So that witch just really makes cakes that will turn anyone into a bear? Because they had nothing to do with the spell or mending broken bonds.

KELLY sews while on horseback trying to MEND the way too literal BOND on the tapestry. The old bear from the loosely tied in ancient story shows up and tries to kill everyone.

KELLY MACDONALD

Wait, but if you're from an ancient story, you probably should not even be alive anymore. Unless that cake makes you an immortal bear, are you an immortal bear?

BEAR EMMA THOMPSON kills the ANCIENT BEAR. The bond is mended and she transforms back into EMMA THOMPSON.

EMMA THOMPSON

Well fucking congratulations everyone. We can take away from this movie that you shouldn't try to force your child into a life of misery as if she's a commodity. It's a good thing we have this movie to inform us that would be a bad idea, otherwise we might never have known.

BILLY CONNOLLY

I thought the message was NO MORE BEARS!

KELLY MACDONALD

But at least I didn't board a magic carpet with a pathological liar, sell my voice for a man I saw once, move in with a guy with violent tendencies, clean up after men who work in a diamond mine, or fall into a coma only to be awoken by some random kissing me. They really didn't have to aim very high for progress.

END