FADE IN:

EXT. MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, DETROIT, DAY

MICHAEL REILLY BURKE and his family of SACRIFICIAL LAMBS move into a NEW HOUSE. They hire EVERY LABORER IN THE CITY to renovate it, including JOSH STEWART.

JOSH STEWART

(to MICHAEL)

I’m casing the joint because I’m a burglar. That’s why I told you my real name and gave you a good look at my face.

MICHAEL REILLY BURKE

I’m a wealthy jewel broker that chose to live in America’s Ass Crack because-

(phone rings)

Hello? You’re looking to buy a ruby the size of a Chihuahua’s head? You’re in luck!

(leaves)

MICHAEL’S daughter, KARLEY SCOTT COLLINS enters.

KARLEY SCOTT COLLINS

Hey, mister, will you join my tea party?

JOSH STEWART

Sure! We need to establish what a nice guy I am before I rob your family blind.

(joins party)

MICHAEL comes back into the room.

MICHAEL REILLY BURKE

(suspicious)

What’s going on here?

JOSH STEWART

Sorry, she's my daughter’s age. You’re less oblivious than most horror movie victims...

MICHAEL REILLY BURKE

You can’t be too careful! We’re leaving for two weeks so the house will be empty except for a priceless gemstone and my older, sluttier daughter!

JOSH STEWART

I spoke too soon...

INT. BOWLING ALLEY, NIGHT

JOSH enters and gives a TEDDY BEAR to his DAUGHTER, HALEY PULLOS.

DAUGHTER

Thanks for letting me to humanize you with minimal effort, daddy!

(never seen again)

JOSH’S WIFE... EX-WIFE? HALEY’S MOTHER, DANIELLA ALONSO enters.

DANIELLA ALONSO

You piece of shit! How dare you give your daughter a gift! Where’s the money?!

JOSH STEWART

What money? Judging by your tone, it must be child support...

DANIELLA ALONSO

It’s for my loan shark, dipshit! I need a large, unspecified amount of money by midnight or I’m dead!

JOSH STEWART

Although this is your fault, I’m gonna pull a last-minute heist to save you!

DANIELLA ALONSO

Hooray! I can keep acting like an ungrateful bitch! No consequences for me!

(also never seen again)

EXT. HOUSE WHERE THE REST OF THE MOVIE IS SET, NIGHT

JOSH arrives wearing BLACK CLOTHING and a BLACK SKI MASK.

JOSH STEWART

Damn. My bag with a dollar sign on it is at the cleaners.

A GERMAN SHEPHERD LUNGES at him but it’s held back by a CHAIN.

JOSH STEWART

I'm sure it's normal for wealthy white people to leave their pure-bred dogs chained up outside for weeks at a time...

(breaks in)

JOSH goes upstairs and finds MICHAEL’S SAFE.

JOSH STEWART

I’m a master safecracker. No one else can do what I do.

(attaches device)

I’ll prove this by letting an idiot-proof machine do all the work.

JOSH hears the FRONT DOOR OPEN and HEAVY FOOTSTEPS climbing the STAIRS.

JOSH STEWART

(stands there like an idiot)

Probably just the wind...

(step creaks)

Oh, shit! I’ve chosen to react to that specific sound only!

(hides in closet)

MICHAEL bursts in and falls on the floor, BLOODY and BEATEN.

MICHAEL REILLY BURKE

(sees JOSH)

Why are you doing this?! Are you sick of writing all three of my names?!

(grabs golf club)

The CLUB triggers a COMPLEX BOOBY TRAP.

BOOBYTRAP

(dominoes fall)

(anvil drops)

(squeezes orange juice)

(shoots toast across room)

FINALLY, a WIRE grabs MICHAEL’S LEG and FLINGS him down the STAIRS.

JOSH STEWART

(whispers)

Pretty weak payoff after all that set-up...

A MAN IN BLACK grabs MICHAEL and DRAGS HIM to the BASEMENT.

JOSH STEWART

(runs to front door)

There’s four deadbolts now!

(grabs phone)

Fuck! A tack poked me in the ear! Why don’t I have a cell phone?!

(ear bleeds)

JOSH realizes the WINDOWS are BOARDED UP and he tries to reach through.

JOSH STEWART

Fuck! Something clamped down on my hand!

(pulls bloody hand out)

This is either a “Saw” prequel or a gritty reboot of “Home Alone”!

JOSH finds that EVERY ROOM is BOOBY TRAPPED and practically IMPASSIBLE.

JOSH STEWART

How’d I make it upstairs? There’s literally a room full of razor wire and I’m no Catherine Zeta Jones...

(beat)

That three-named bitch...

The MAN IN BLACK comes up from the BASEMENT.

JOSH STEWART

I’ll use this house’s illogical layout to evade him and we’ll film from a bird’s-eye view so the audience has no clue what’s going on.

The TWO FIGURES IN BLACK dart around like SIMS and pad the RUNTIME.

INT. BASEMENT

JOSH enters and HITS THE LIGHTS.

JOSH STEWART

(shocked)

Michael was tortured to death! And this green filter is harsh! It looks like a Matrix-themed sex dungeon down here!

JOSH finds ANDREA ROTH. She is BLINDFOLDED and HANDCUFFED in a BATHTUB.

JOSH STEWART

(removes gag)

Stay quiet, I’m gonna help!

ANDREA ROTH

Find Karley! She’s hiding somewhere! The slutty one’s off somewhere sluttin’ it up so she’s safe!

JOSH STEWART

(picks handcuffs)

Follow me and resist the urge to act like every other blonde in a horror movie!

ANDREA ROTH

(sees dead husband)

I CAN’T DO IT!

(runs up stairs)

KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL MEEEEEEEE-

(opens door)

The MAN IN BLACK appears and STABS HER FOR A MINUTE STRAIGHT while SCREECHING like a PTERODACTYL.

JOSH STEWART

(hides under desk)

He has RIDDICK EYES and a BLACK MASK. He grabs ANDREA and puts her back in the TUB.

JOSH STEWART

(whispers)

Those shiny eyes must be cataracts ‘cuz I’m directly in his eyeline! And his mask looks like he cut eye holes in a pile of dried dog shit.

DOG SHIT FACE

(tightens impractical laces on back of ill-fitting mask)

EXT. HOUSE

The OLDEST DAUGHTER, MADELINE ZIMA and her BOYFRIEND, ALEX FELDMAN drive up and MAKE OUT.

ALEX FELDMAN

(honks horn)

We heard you were running out of dumbasses to kill!

DOG SHIT FACE unlocks the door. They enter and MAKE OUT on the TABLE and MADELINE puts the “BOOBY” in “BOOBY-TRAP.”

DOG SHIT FACE

(licks lips)

Ew, my tongue touched the mask!

(spits)

MADELINE hears this and SCREAMS. DOG SHIT FACE attacks ALEX.

DOG SHIT FACE

(nudge)

ALEX falls back into a ROOM FULL OF BEAR TRAPS.

MADELINE ZIMA

(dials 911 on the only cell phone in Detroit)

Help! I’m being attacked by Wile E. Coyote!

(drops phone)

DOG SHIT FACE binds her to the STAIRCASE and returns to the BASEMENT.

JOSH STEWART

(sneaks up)

I’m gonna cut you loose! Just promise not to sprint into death’s embrace like your mom did!

CUT TO:

MADELINE is DEAD.

JOSH STEWART

Welp, I’ve officially run out of fucks.

(opens safe, grabs ruby)

JOSH starts pulling BOARDS off a WINDOW but hears a NOISE in the CLOSET. He opens it and finds a RED TRUNK.

JOSH STEWART

I swear to God if there’s a tricycle-riding puppet inside...

(opens box)

A MUTILATED MAN falls out.

MUTILATED MAN

(shouts)

Run! He collects people! He kills the ones he doesn’t want but he always takes one! That’s why we call him the Collector! Is this making sense or should I keep explaining?!

JOSH tries to grab him but he’s CHAINED UP.

JOSH STEWART

I can easily pick the locks if you shut up!

MUTILATED MAN

HE’S A COLLECTOR BUT INSTEAD OF COLLECTING STAMPS OR BASEBALL CARDS OR-

JOSH stuffs him back in the TRUNK and JUMPS out the WINDOW.

JOSH STEWART

(checks watch)

Managed to wrap this up early!

(strolls away)

JOSH sees KARLEY banging on a SECOND FLOOR WINDOW.

JOSH STEWART

Moral dilemma! On one hand, she’s got three names...

He sees DOG SHIT FACE through a WINDOW.

JOSH STEWART

FUCK!!!

(climbs back inside)

Why didn’t she stay hidden?! Are death wishes hereditary?!

INT. HOUSE... YOU KNOW, THE SAME HOUSE WE’VE BEEN AT THIS WHOLE TIME?

DOG SHIT FACE is about to grab KARLEY.

JOSH STEWART

(appears)

Up close, you’re not that intimidating!

(face punch)

Wear black all you want but I see your dad bod!

JOSH KICKS DOG SHIT FACE into the BASEMENT and takes his KEYS.

JOSH STEWART

(picks up KARLEY)

We could go back out the window but let’s mix it up and try the front door!

The key they need is BROKEN so they’re TRAPPED. DOG SHIT FACE grabs a SHOTGUN and SHOOTS his way out of the BASEMENT.

JOSH STEWART

(crouches down)

No fair! Since when do slasher villains use guns?

DOG SHIT FACE aims at them but realizes that he is standing on a LARGE RED BULLSEYE near a sign that says “FREE BIRD SEED.”

DOG SHIT FACE

(shadow grows overhead)

(falling whistle sound effect)

(looks silently at camera)

(holds up sign that says “HELP!”)

A CHANDELIER full of KNIVES falls on DOG SHIT FACE.

DOG SHIT FACE

(makes Jim Carrey’s “most annoying sound in the world”)

JOSH and KARLEY run outside and see POLICE LIGHTS.

JOSH STEWART

(runs into street)

I’m sure they’ll see me through the darkness and rain and come to a safe stop-

(hit by several cars)

EXT. HOUSE

JOSH gets strapped to a STRETCHER and the COPS put KARLEY in the back of a SQUAD CAR.

COP 1

She’s safe now. Dog Shit Face got away but we know he worked for the exterminator company so we’ll get him. Now, what were you doing here in the first place?

JOSH STEWART

Just retrieving some... door lock- uh, fluid, I left here earlier. It’s not like a locksmith would know how to break into someone’s house and then crack their jewel safe- Don’t search my pockets or anything- I’m not acting suspicious, you’re acting suspicious!

(hyperventilates)

COP 2

... That story checks out.

(leaves without arrest)

JOSH gets loaded into an AMBULANCE and they DRIVE AWAY.

JOSH STEWART

(fingers jewel)

(not the singer)

What time is it?

PARAMEDIC

Just before midnight. You did it! We’ve got a nice self-contained horror movie with no stupid cliff-

The AMBULANCE gets RAMMED and FLIPS A FEW TOO MANY TIMES. DOG SHIT FACE opens the DOOR.

PARAMEDIC

(knifed in face)

DOG SHIT FACE grabs JOSH and drags him toward his VAN.

JOSH STEWART

(struggling)

NO! PLEASE! HOW IS YOUR DOUGHY LITTLE BODY SO STRONG?!

He throws JOSH into the RED TRUNK.

DOG SHIT FACE

(slams door)

I’M SENSITIVE

(slams door again)

ABOUT

(slams shut)

MY FIGURE!

JOSH STEWART

(screams)

NO! COME BACK! YOU HAVE SO MUCH INNER BEAUTY!

He slams the VAN DOOR shut.

DOG SHIT FACE

(takes bite of candy bar)

Great, now I’m shame eating! They ought to call me the Fat Collector!

(runs offscreen crying)

END