FADE IN:

EXT. INDIANA, 1827

Future President/Vampire Slayer BENJAMIN WALKER is getting PLASTERED in a bar when he is approached by DOMINIC COOPER.

DOMINIC COOPER

A man only drinks like that when he wants to kiss a girl or kill a man. Or he might be an alcoholic. So which are you?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Well I'm going to kill Marton Csokas because I saw him murder my mother by chomping her. For whatever reason neither I nor my dad reported what I'd seen to the police. Anyway, bye!

BENJAMIN sneaks up on SLAVE OWNER MARTON CSOKAS.

MARTON CSOKAS

The one thing better than my extremely douchey sunglasses is owning slaves in an abolitionist state! Am I unilaterally evil enough yet?

BENJAMIN WALKER

(jumping from shadows)

Die, you murdering bastard!

BENJAMIN shoots MARTON in the FUCKING EYE!

MARTON CSOKAS

Bwa ha ha! I'm an immortal vampire, so all that did was horribly and permanently maim me!

MARTON kicks BENJAMIN'S ASS until DOMINIC COOPER saves him.

INT. DOMINIC COOPER'S HOUSE

BENJAMIN wakes up and finds DOMINIC COOPER BANGING SOME GIRL in a BATHTUB because every movie needs RANDOM SEX.

DOMINIC COOPER

So let me exposit to you for a minute. Vampires are real. Marton Csokas is one and he works for Rufus Sewell, the Father of all Vampires.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Can you train me to kill vampires so I can go kill Marton?

DOMINIC COOPER

No! Your deeds can't be fueled by vengeance and hatred, even though those are my motivations since Rufus Sewell chomped my wife. You have to be willing to murder all vampires. Also you must take no wife, hold no lands, and father no children. You must pledge your life and honor to Vampire Hunting, for this night and all nights to come.

(offering black top hat)

What do you say? Will you take the black?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Well I broke my promise to my father that I wouldn't seek revenge against Marton but.. yeah... I'll keep this one.

DOMINIC trains BENJAMIN by showing him how to twirl an AXE like a MALE CHEERLEADER and beating him SHITLESS with the lights out.

DOMINIC COOPER

By the way, vampires are allergic to silver, can be out during the day for some arbitrary reason and can turn invisible at will.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Oh! That explains all those beatings you gave me in the dark! So I can learn not to trust my deceptive eyes!

DOMINIC COOPER

Uh...yeah! Let's go with that! Anyway we're out of montage footage so off you go to kill some vampires!

EXT. SPRINGFIELD 1837

BENJAMIN starts GOING TO LAW SCHOOL while MOONLIGHTING as a VAMPIRE HUNTER and working in JIMMI SIMPSON'S GENERAL STORE because everyone knows LAW STUDENTS have shitloads of free time.

JIMMI SIMPSON

Doesn't it bother you that you spend your days learning about the rights of men and your nights brutally murdering people without giving them a fair trial?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Not as much as my decision to just hide all the bodies instead of exposing vampires to the public and teaching them how to protect themselves.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD shows up.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Sigh. I wish I had adventure in my life, but being engaged to prominent political figure Stephen Douglas is so boring.

(noticing Benjamin)

Say, is that a wooden stake in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Oh that's just the butt of my silver axe that I use to hunt vampires because I'm a vampire hunter. I do have a boner though.

STEPHEN A. DOUGLAS for some reason MAKES NO RESISTANCE as BENJAMIN hits on, dates and then proposes to his FIANCE.

Meanwhile DOMINIC COOPER comes to SPRINGFIELD.

DOMINIC COOPER

Hey! Just wanted to make sure you weren't becoming distracted by your blossoming political career and were still focused on vampire hunting. Marton Csoaks is over there and I give you my blessing to kill him.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Since I don't respect your Vampire Hunters Oath in any way it's a real mystery why I waited for you to tell me to kill Marton instead of finding him myself.

DOMINIC COOPER

I just figured you'd want to warm up by slaughtering local Springfield business owners, whose disappearances are being completely ignored.

BENJAMIN and MARTON FIGHT atop a STAMPEDE OF HORSES! Seriously, ON TOP on them.

MARTON CSOKAS

What the hell? I have super vampire agility and strength but how are you doing this?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Oh did the part where Dominic taught me how to jump from one moving horse to another get left out of the training montage? Oh well. At least it's not the most ridiculous part of this fight.

BENJAMIN shoots MARTON in THE OTHER FUCKING EYE with his AXE which is also a GUN because FINAL FANTASY WEAPONS gel perfectly with this level of retardery.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Now that's what I call Habeas Corpus, bitch.

MARTON CSOKAS

Yeah well Dominic Cooper is a vampire so fuck you too.

(dies)

BENJAMIN confronts DOMINIC, who's busy CHOMPING a RAPIST.

BENJAMIN WALKER

You're a vampire! Of course, this explains your really douchey sunglasses!

DOMINIC COOPER

Yeah they're like a giant neon 'vampire' sign. Anyway when Rufus Sewell chomped my wife it killed her because she was pure of heart. I'm not so I became a vampire. Vampires can't kill each other so I train humans to do it.

BENJAMIN WALKER

So where are the other people you've been training?

DOMINIC COOPER

Uhh...

BENJAMIN WALKER

And does this mean you turned that rapist into a vampire I now have to kill, since I doubt he was pure of heart?

DOMINIC COOPER

Err....

BENJAMIN WALKER

You suck! We're not friends anymore until the plot requires that we be friends again!

INT. RUFUS SEWELL'S HOUSE, NEW ORLEANS

BENJAMIN and JIMMI sneak up to the window and watch SLAVE OWNERS CHOMPING a bunch of SLAVES.

BENJAMIN WALKER

We have to rescue Anthony Mackie! He's my oldest token black friend!

JIMMI SIMPSON

There are an appalling number of things wrong with that sentence. OK let's do it!

BENJAMIN dives into an ORGY of BADASS VISUAL EFFETCS.

RUFUS SEWELL

Let's see how many bad guy action cliches I can fit into this scene! Acting nonchalant towards your badassery? Check. Tossing my 'best men' at you to test your abilities? Check. Offering you an ultimatum? Super check. Murder Dominic or I'll kill Anthony and chomp you.

In ANOTHER CLICHE, JIMMI picks THIS EXACT TIME to MATTER by rescuing BENJAMIN and ANTHONY.

ANTHONY MACKIE

Now that there's three of us, shouldn't we turn around and take out Rufus Sewell since Benjamin killed all his henchmen?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Instead I think I'll forget about Rufus, stop hunting vampires and become President.

JIMMI SIMPSON

Surely such a drastic change will need to be depicted gradually so as not to-

INT. WHITE HOUSE 1863

BENJAMIN is now PRESIDENT, 50, and A FATHER. Also, the CIVIL WAR is happening.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Ben, it's our son! He's been chomped but the doctors think it's tuberculosis, which has an entirely opposite set of symptoms!

BENJAMIN WALKER

If vampires have been running around the entire country for the past 50 years why can't doctors recognize what vampire bites look like?

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

As far as this film knows he's our only child so do something! Other than letting him die I mean.

DOMINIC COOPER

(popping up)

Hello! If you want I can turn him into a vampire so he won't be gone forever!

BENJAMIN WALKER

Hmmm either let my son die or have him turned into a soulless monster that I'd eventually have to kill for chomping my innocent constituents. Tough call, but I'll go with the option that lets me look sad for 10 seconds.

ANTHONY MACKIE

It gets worse! Jefferson Davis has started enlisting vampires into the Confederate Army! We're getting our asses kicked at Gettysburg as we speak!

BENJAMIN WALKER

I have a plan. All we have to do get silver from every house in the north, melt it down, make ammunition out of it and get it all to Gettysburg by tomorrow.

ANTHONY MACKIE

That's about as plausible as my having a legitamate position in your administration so I'm in.

JIMMI SIMPSON

Me too! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to talk with Rufus about something completely unrelated to your plan.

INT. TRAIN

BENJAMIN chats with DOMINIC and ANTHONY.

DOMINIC COOPER

I'm pretty sure Jimmi betrayed you. He said something about disagreeing with how you're leading the country.

BENJAMIN WALKER

So he thinks the undead minions of hell who drink human blood to survive have a better political platform?

ANTHONY MACKIE

This is why you don't ever trust a McPoyle.

RUFUS attacks the train! There's a jumble of FIGHTING, TWIRLING, SLOW MOTION and LOUD NOISES. It is AWESOME! At some point JIMMI is killed.

RUFUS SEWELL

Hey, the boxes on this train are full of rocks! Where's the silver?

BENJAMIN WALKER

My wife is smuggling it on the Underground Railroad! Ha ha! Fooled you!

RUFUS SEWELL

...You are aware that the Underground Railroad is not actually a railroad, right?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Of course! Obviously I'm forcing a bunch of black people to carry thousands of pounds of silver on foot through the increasingly hostile countryside without paying them or letting them take breaks so we can meet a very strict deadline.

RUFUS SEWELL

I see. Please just kill me out of the picture now.

BENJAMIN does so and SAVES THE DAY. The SILVER is DELIVERED just in time for PICKETT'S CHARGE.

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C.

BENJAMIN and MARY are on their way to FORD'S THEATER when DOMINIC stops by.

DOMINIC COOPER

Hey Ben, let me chomp you so we can keep doing great things together.

BENJAMIN WALKER

What an odd time to suggest making me immortal. No, I'd like history to remember me as an idealist whose desperate appointment of a drunk to the Commandership of the Union Army ended up being key to a Northern victory.

BENJAMIN goes to the theater OFFSCREEN, leaving the question of how a FAMOUS SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR got the drop on a SEASONED VAMPIRE HUNTER unanswered.

In the PRESENT TIME, DOMINIC approaches a YOUNG BLACK MAN in the same way he approached BENJAMIN at the beginning of the film, leaving the door open for BARACK THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Putting the 'death' back in 'death panels'.

END