FADE IN:

EXT. CHICAGO: COUNTY GENERAL HOSPITAL

NOAH WYLE

Hey! It's me, Dr. John Carter, from the '90s hit show, E.R. This is a direct sequel where I move to another hospital!

AUDIENCE

A direct sequel? There's a lot to unpack here! Are you going to reflect on your near death experience from a patient stabbing you? And the death of your med student? And your addiction? Or that you and your wife had a stillborn baby?

NOAH WYLE

HEY, SPOILERS! Also yeah, the last 7 seasons of ER were depressing as fuck. Seems like NBC made my character more miserable for the sake of drama.

ALL ACTORS ON E.R.

Yeah, us too.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER JOHN WELLS

PSST... Noah, turns out we didn't get the rights to the Crichton estate, so we won't have to reprise your role after all.

NOAH WYLE

Woo hoo! We'll just change the names and do the reboot anyway. Everyone wins!

ALL PRODUCTION CREW ON E.R.

Did y'all forget our numbers or something?

INT. PITTSBURG, PENNSYLVANIA HOSPITAL

NOAH is a totally different doctor with a formidable last name, so he gave himself a cute nickname.

ATTENDING NOAH WYLE

Yes, I'm Dr. Rustyscalpel, but you can call me Dr. Softy.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER JOHN WELLS

Alright noobs um, people unfamiliar with the American hierarchy of medical professionals. From the top down, we have Attending Physician, Senior Resident, Resident, Intern, then medical student.

(pause)

Everyone is drooling over our supermodel staff, so we'll tell them apart by their titles.

CHARGE NURSE KATHERINE LANASA makes an announcement to people in the waiting room, aka, CHAIRS.

NURSE KATHERINE LANASA

Hey deah, jagahffs, wel-cum tah hell. We'll fuyrst treat pee-pul with suh-veah in-juh-rees, then wu'll get to the rest 'a yoo faykehs and loosahs. At least, that's what the Amerruccan government thinks 'a yoos guys.

ANGRY MAN IN CHAIRS

At least we're not a commie, bitch country like Canada, where you have to wait forever to see a doctor!

KATHERINE LANASA

Hah! See yoo in 11 hours, suckah.

ANGRY MAN IN CHAIRS

(sobs)

(doesn't realize the irony)

NOAH WYLE

Welp, its the 5th anniversary of my mentor dying during Covid, but DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. I definitely don't have untreated PTSD.

MED STUDENT GARRAN HOWELL

I'm a farm boy, because TV shows sure haven't seen that yet!

SENIOR RESIDENT TRACY IFEACHOR

I'm a few weeks pregnant after years of trying, so you can guess what happens to me. Also, since I'm not featured in the finale, I'll fuck off now to save us time.

ROCKSTAR RESIDENT ISA BRIONES

Pfftttt, whatevs! Today is my first day as a rockstar resident. First thing on my chart is making Boomer-ass nicknames for people. Let's start with you, Crash! Get it? 'Cuz you fainted? Haha!

MED STUDENT SHABANA AZEEZ

Pretty sure "Crash" means "dying" in hospital speak. Anyway, I'm a med student who always looks like she just shit herself. Also, my mother is a renowned surgeon at this hospital and an overbearing bitch. Trust me, you'll see!

RESIDENT FIONA DOURIF

Eh, probably not. Oh, have I mentioned my house arrest ankle monitor? I wouldn't have said anything, but that would get in the way of us talking about it constantly.

RESIDENT TAYLOR DEARDEN

I'm the happy oddball who always chooses sunshine through rain storms. I'm also on the spectrum... of nepotism! My father is Brian Cranston!

NOAH WYLE

Folks, you're all overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. Let's see some new and interesting cases!

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM DEPARTMENT. THEY'VE CHANGED IT, SEE?

ATTENDING PATRICK BALL leaves his SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL to come save lives.

PATRICK BALL

We've got parents who are apprehensive about giving their deceased son's organs up, a woman who may have abandoned her sick mother due to stress, and two adults not respecting their elderly father's Do-Not-Resuscitate orders. Wow, real emotional stuff here!

NOAH WYLE

Yawwwnnnn, seen it before.

ISA BRIONES

I found Patrick stealing benzos from his patients! Your chungus ass is totally COOKED, bruh!

(does six seven hands)

NOAH WYLE

STEALING DRUGS! ON THIS SHIFT?! THE SHIFT THAT ALSO MEANS NOTHING AND THAT NO ONE SHOULD ASK ME ABOUT! THIS ENRAGES ME! YOU'RE FIRED!

PATRICK BALL

Woah dude, isn't this what your character had on E.R.? Hard to believe that doctors from 25 years ago were more understanding about addiction than you are now.

NOAH WYLE

Yes, but my character also experienced a traumatic event, survivors guilt, chronic mental pain, and toxic coping mechanisms that almost killed his patients. NONE of which we've seen from you.

(pause)

It's almost like this one hour per episode formula is quite limiting.

PATRICK is cartoonishly BOOTED from the hospital with no intervention because addiction is BORING or SOMETHING THAT WILL BE DEALT WITH ANOTHER TIME.

SURGICAL RESIDENT ALEXANDRA METZ

Anyone call for a surgery consult? No? Please do, we're quite bored up there.

TAYLOR DEARDEN

Yeah, are we ever going to actually see you in surgery? All you seem to do is escort patients upstairs and criticize our work.

NOAH WYLE

(sighs)

Any more cases?

FIONA DOURIF

How about the mom who made herself sick so her son could be in a hospital where he needs help? He made a kill-list of girls in his class.

NOAH WYLE

Perfect! So, did we talk to the kid? Did we do a psych evaluation? Did we find out his motivation for the list? Anything?

FIONA DOURIF

No.

NOAH WYLE

Shucks. That's okay, I didn't want to ruin his life anyway.

INT. HOS-PITT-AL. 4 HOUR-PISODES LATER

A MASS SHOOTING happens at a concert not far from the hospital.

NOAH WYLE

It was definitely the incel kid. Tell all law enforcement to scour Pittsburg for him. Who else could it be?

GARREN HOWELL

Literally anyone in the country? Most of us thought it would be the angry guy who punched Katherine. Shouldn't we report him to the authorities too?

KATHERINE LANASA

(with black eye)

Shaht ahp, Ned Flandahs. Awlright team, we gaht hundreds a' gunshot vic-tums cum-min in right now. It's the cly-max of thuh sea-zun!

NOAH WYLE

Oh no, the concert! My sort of-stepson is there! I'm super worried now! God, could this day get ANY WORSE! Also it's JUST FINE REALLY.

They start bringing patients in.

ISA BRIONES

22 year old male. GSW to the flank causing major retroperitoneal damage. Also, acute synchronous diaphragmatic flutter, aka, hiccups. I need BP! HR! O2! Vasovagal! Put him in Trendellenburg!

TAYLOR DEARDEN

Ah, good ole' medical jargon. It could be total nonsense, but the audience assumes it's true because they don't know anything and they'll never look it up.

PATRICK BALL

I need 10 cc's of Floogenheim for the Groinovascular Zapendorf!

NOAH WYLE

Arg. Patrick! You can't be here!

PATRICK BALL

But also... I am though.

NOAH WYLE

Damnit. He must stay now. If only I hadn't told Dr. Tracy to go into Daredevil's sensory deprivation tank.

SHABANA AZEEZ

It's 2025, who even turns their phone off at all?

RENOWNED SURGEON DEEPTI GUPTA

Hi, Honey! Want to help me with this patient?

SHABANA AZEEZ

GET OFF MY BACK MOTHER! But yes, this patient was eating ice cream, so along with the gun shot wound, he has a sphenolpalatine ganglioneuralgia, aka brain freeze!

DEEPTI GUPTA

Huh, good job, Dear. I didn't think of that.

SHABANA AZEEZ

STOP RIDING ME I CAN'T TAKE IT AHHHH!

INT. THE SARLACC PITT

Amidst all the blood, death and chaos, HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR MICHAEL HYATT strolls in for the FIFTH TIME TODAY.

MICHAEL HYATT

Hello Dr. Stickyouwithneedles aka, Dr. Fluffy. Wanna kick some of these patients out so the hospital can make more money?

NOAH WYLE

Again, I feel like this shit is something we deal with every DAY or so, not every HOUR OR SO.

RESIDENT FIONA DOURIF

(drilling ankle monitor off)

Well I've had it with this! That's right, tough circumstances mean tough choices! Now someone go sanitize this drill because it's actually a sternal saw and our dying patients need it.

COPS

Hands up, your under arrest!

GARREN HOWELL

Oh no. There must be a serious consequence for breaking your house arrest ankle monitor. We might not be seeing her for a while-

COPS

Eh, never mind. She's free to go.

GARREN HOWELL

The fuck? Are you guys the fish cops in Spongebob Squarepants?

A GUNSHOT WOUND VICTIM is brought in, and it just so happens to be NOAH'S somewhat-stepson's girlfriend! NOAH, despite all his efforts, cannot save her.

TAJ SPEIGHTS

I hate you, quasi-step dad! I'm old enough to understand that there's only so much doctors can do, but I still blame you anyway!

NOAH WYLE

You're right, I couldn't save her. Just like I couldn't save my mentor 5 years ago. Oh no, you know what time it is? Full blown mental breakdown time!

(cries uncontrollably)

(slumps down on the floor)

(sings the "See A Psychiatrist" bit from Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

GARREN HOWELL

It's about time you reacted to this. PTSD seems to be a reoccurring theme this season. Now would be a great time to talk about it, especially because it's a long healing journey-

NOAH WYLE

Nah, I had a solid cry, that ought to do it. Let's get back to work!

GARREN HOWELL

WHY DO WE NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH WITH ANYTHING?!

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

NOAH drinks beer with some NEGLECTED STAFF who we haven't MENTIONED YET.

NOAH WYLE

Sorry all, it's a big cast. Welp, we made it through the shift, and gave everyone a glimpse as to what it's like as a doctor of emergency medicine.

NURSE BRANDON MENDEZ HOMER

As it turns out, the incel kid wasn't the shooter after all. Whoops!

NURSE JALEN THOMAS BROOKS

Yep, we just locked him up for 12 hours without explanation, so we probably traumatized him even more.

SHABANA AZEEZ

Gosh, what a wild first shift I had! Does it ever get any easier?

ATTENDING SHAWN HATOSY

No, but you do get cooler. Look at me, I'm sitting here cleaning my prosthetic leg. I'm cooler than all of you.

GOSSIPY NURSE AMIELYNN ABELLERA

Didn't Noah have to talk you off a ledge in episode 1?

ATTENDING SHAWN HATOSY

Quiet, you!

NOAH WYLE

So how are we feeling about this 1 hour per episode? It's a more intimate look at the job, no?

GOSSIPY NURSE KRISTIN VILLANUEVA

Eh, my theory is, it's a clever way to hide the studio requirement to repeat dialogue over again because people are too distracted with their phones.

END.