FADE IN:

INT. BLAND SUBURBAN HOUSE

WILL DENTON

Oh no, my parents are dead and something's trying to kill me before I can establish even the smallest facet of my charac--

VAMPIRIC CREATURE

VAMPIRIC CREATURE PRESENTS KILL WILL VOLUMES ONE AND TWO!! RAARRRRGH!!!

The CREATURE KILLS WILL, along with ANY CHANCE TO KNOW WHO THE HELL HE WAS and ANY HOPE OF A GRADUAL BUILDUP OF SUSPENSE.

CUT TO:

EXT. BLAND SUBURB

ANTON YELCHIN

Ah, how nice to be a bland young person in this bland suburb out in the bland desert with my bland girlfriend. Hi, Mom, how's it going?

TONI COLLETTE

Blandtasticly, son.

ANTON YELCHIN

Hey, you're Toni Collette! For someone of your talent to accept this role must mean the character's been developed further than being a useless adjunct, right?

TONI COLLETTE

Er...

COLIN FARRELL

(walking over)

Ah, hello, I'm Jerry, your totally non-suspicious neighbour.

(smiles evilly)

So, what are you guys up to? Can I help?

TONI COLLETTE

Maybe. I just have to load these real estate signs onto my truck, after making sure their gigantic wooden pointed ends are nice and sharp, and also anointing them with holy water. Can I interest you in some cross-shaped garlic bread?

COLIN FARRELL

(hastily)

Right, I'll be on my way then.

ANTON YELCHIN

Hey, I thought you wanted to help.

COLIN FARRELL

I DID help. We just achieved the only bit of foreshadowing in this whole damn movie. Now go do whatever meagre setup you can in the next ten minutes before I launch into my full-blown overtly-evil mode from which I will never leave.

CUT TO:

INT. BLAND SUBURBAN HOUSE

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Hi, Anton. Your neighbour is a vampire.

ANTON YELCHIN

Wow, that reveal had no drama to it at all.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

I know it's hard to believe, but I have heaps of really compelling proof, all of which I somehow forgot to bring with me. Instead I will try and convince you with nothing but a really whiny guilt trip.

ANTON YELCHIN

Convince me to do what?

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

To help me find more proof to convince you.

ANTON YELCHIN

More proof in addition to the heap of proof you already have, which, had you brought it, would easily have convinced me to help you find this proof you want to convince me with.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Yeah. What's your point?

CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER BLAND SUBURBAN HOUSE

ANTON YELCHIN

It's a bit pathological how beige and undecorated everyone's house is. I can't decide if it's an artistic statement, or the studio just wanting lots of clean lines and flat surfaces to make the 3D conversion process easier.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Shut up and help me search! I'm sure that Colin has killed our friend Will Denton.

ANTON YELCHIN

Who?

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

You know, that guy who died in the first scene. According to the press kit he was one of our closest friends.

ANTON YELCHIN

So THAT'S who that was. Well, too late to care now. I'm outta here.

CUT TO:

EXT. BLAND SUBURBAN BACKYARD

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

(muttering)

...stupid kyle stupid reese stupid...

COLIN FARRELL

(appearing)

Hello, McLovin. Prepare to become... DRACLovin. Heh, heh.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Hey wait, you're turning me NOW? In the original that happened much later on. Does that mean I get to start doing evil stuff sooner?

COLIN FARRELL

No, it just means we've created an hour-long gap where your character doesn't appear and isn't mentioned or referred to at all.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Great. Maybe I'll pass the time watching all the good parts of "Alexander: the Director's Cut". Hm, but then what'll I do for the other fifty-nine minutes and fifty-five seconds?

COLIN FARRELL

Smartass.

(bites him)

CUT TO:

EXT. BLAND SUBURBAN STREET

DAVE FRANCO

Hey, Colin. I thought we could do a tense scene where you try to conceal your evilness, thus heightening the payoff later on.

COLIN FARRELL

Nah, things like suspense and atmosphere are so 1980s. In this version I immediately vamp out on anyone within ten feet. Speaking of which, RAAAARGH!

(eats Dave Franco)

REID EWING

Hi, someone called for a Gene-Simmons's-son impersonator?

COLIN FARRELL

RAAAARGH!

(eats Reid)

CUT TO:

INT. ANTON'S BLAND HOUSE

ANTON YELCHIN

Hm, my neighbour Emily Montague went into Colin's house and never came out. And the cops don't believe me that Colin's evil. What to do? If only I had someone to confide in.

IMOGEN POOTS

Hey Anton, what's up? It's me, your sensible girlfriend who's shown no sign of being untrustworthy.

ANTON YELCHIN

Bwah, er, nothing! I was just, er, making ice cream from my own snot, yeah that's it! FNORT!! SPAZ!!

(rushes out)

COLIN throws a SHOVEL and a SUSPICIOUSLY LARGE BAG into his TRUCK and drives off, so ANTON sneaks into his house!

INT. COLIN'S BLAND HOUSE

ANTON YELCHIN

A-ha, I've found a room full of strange, ominous stuff. But clearly the only picture I need to take is of this butt-ugly wall hanging; once I show it to the Neighbourhood Association he'll get drummed out of town quicker than shit. Those guys go psycho if our trash cans are the wrong colour.

(takes picture)

Advantage: Yelchin.

COLIN returns, UH-OH!!

ANTON YELCHIN

Shit, it never occurred to me to hurry! I was sure it would take him at least ten hours to...

(pause)

...wait, what did he do just now anyway? We learn later all his victims are stuffed in his own basement. Well, I can't fight decades of horror movie tradition; time to trap myself in a closet.

He DOES, and finds a SECRET DOOR!

ANTON YELCHIN

Wow, a secret area with creepy locked rooms! That's kind of incriminating, but not worth taking a picture of, no sir. Not when I have that sweet shot of a slightly odd tapestry.

EMILY MONTAGUE

(inside creepy yet nonetheless bland locked room)

Anton, help!

ANTON YELCHIN

Hang on, Emily!

(tries to pick lock)

Damn, I suck at that! Hm, I could send a photo of you locked up to the police, and maybe those cops who just talked to Colin would realize he lied to them and come back.

(pause)

Fuck that, I will uselessly fail to pick the lock some more!!

(rolls critical fumble)

ARRGH, my crossbow +5 shattered! Dammit!

EMILY MONTAGUE

Anton, Colin is coming back! Save yourself!

ANTON ducks into an EMPTY UNLOCKED ROOM and sees COLIN SUCKING EMILY'S BLOOD HARD-CORE!

ANTON YELCHIN

Wow, Colin committing cold-blooded murder, THERE'S a photo!

(pause)

Oh, except he wouldn't show up on it. All I'd have would be a photo of a levitating missing person covered in blood, in his house. Talk about useless. Better stick with the tapestry, yeah.

COLIN leaves, and ANTON TRIES RESCUING EMILY again!

ANTON YELCHIN

(rolls natural 20)

Yes!! Come on, Emily, let's get you out of here!

They GO OUTSIDE into the DAYLIGHT and EMILY TOTALLY EXPLODES!!

ANTON YELCHIN

Holy fuck! A person just erupted in a huge fireball sending debris and embers everywhere! Well, at least THAT won't go unnoticed.

RANDOM NEIGHBOUR

Look, buddy, it's been made VERY clear that EVERYONE in this suburb SLEEPS all day, WORKS all night, and TELEPORTS between their home and job so that NOBODY IS EVER AROUND TO SEE ANYTHING. GOT IT?!!?

(explodes)

ANTON YELCHIN

Fuck. Well, as any sane person would do under these circumstances, I'd better go talk to a Vegas magician.

CUT TO:

INT. DRAB VEGAS MAGIC THEATRE

RUSSELL BRAND

Piss off, I've got no time for you, you wanker!

ANTON YELCHIN

Huh? I thought David Tennant got cast in this role.

RUSSELL BRAND

Oh, yeah, sorry.

RUSSELL BRAND removes all his CRAZY MAKEUP and becomes DAVID TENNANT.

DAVID TENNANT

OY, MY BAWLS ARE SO ITCHY, WHAT?! There, that should help dispel any lingering Doctor Who associations.

ANTON YELCHIN

Help me, David Tennant. You're my only hope.

DAVID TENNANT

Sod that! Why should I waste time with you when I can stay here and have sex with my assistant, Sofia Vergara?

SANDRA VERGARA

I'm her sister, asshole.

DAVID TENNANT

Close enough!

CUT TO:

INT. ANTON'S BLAND HOUSE

ANTON YELCHIN

Mom, please believe me that Colin is a vampire.

TONI COLLETTE

But his character's name is Jerry! Ha ha, Jerry the Vampire! Imagine linking a silly-sounding five-letter name ending in a double-letter-plus-"y" to the word Vampire, ha ha, that idea SLAYS me!

IMOGEN POOTS

Okay, Writer Marti Noxon, you wrote for "Buffy", we get it. You can stop rehashing 20-year-old jokes now.

MARTI NOXON

No, wait, I still have to work in a "Scooby Gang" reference and a callback to one-armed Paul Reubens from the original Buffy movie!

ANTON YELCHIN

Shouldn't you be more concerned with the original "Fright Night" movie?

MARTI NOXON

Fuck off, Chekov. Maybe I should have Colin kill you all right now!

COLIN FARRELL rips up their GAS LINE, BLOWS UP the HOUSE, and instigates a CAR CHASE with them!

ANTON YELCHIN

Our neighbours really CANNOT notice a fucking thing, can they.

CUT TO:

EXT. BLAND ROAD IN BLAND LANDSCAPE

TONI, ANTON and IMOGEN drive their BLAND VAN very fast.

CHRIS SARANDON

(in speeding car)

STOP RUINING MY MOVIE!!!

(crashes into them)

COLIN FARRELL

Ha ha, now you are helpless to avoid my ridiculous CGI vamp-faces!

TONI COLLETTE

Time for my one moment of narrative function!

(stabs Colin, faints)

COLIN FARRELL is wounded JUST ENOUGH for them to GET AWAY!

CUT TO:

INT. BLAND HOSPITAL

TONI COLLETTE is hooked up to THREE DOZEN MACHINES.

ANTON YELCHIN

I sure hope Mom pulls through.

IMOGEN POOTS

Hang on, what gives? Toni fainted and now suddenly she's in a coma? What did I miss?

MICHELE BACHMANN

(appearing)

That's Obamacare for you!! BWAH HA HA HA!!

ANTON YELCHIN

Oh my God! It all makes sense now... your sinister grin, lack of compassion, your piercing yet soulless eyes... you're a VAMPIRE!

MICHELE BACHMANN

(mugging)

Actually, no! I'm an even MORE terrifying and monstrous creature... a REPUBLICAN!! HEY-OHHH!!!!!!

ANTON YELCHIN

(wincing)

Come on, Imogen, let's go try bugging David Tennant some more.

CUT TO:

INT. DAVID TENNANT'S HIGHLY MONOCHROMATIC LUXURY-PAD-SLASH-ANCIENT-WEAPON-MUSEUM, HEY MARTI, ANY OTHER NARRATIVE FUNCTIONS YOU WANT TO CRAM INTO ONE LOCATION, YOU JUST LET US KNOW

DAVID TENNANT

Thought I told you lot to fuck off.

ANTON YELCHIN

No, look, you have a picture of the same ugly tapestry I photographed!

DAVID TENNANT

My God that changes everything!! So much so that there's no need to ever explain what the tapestry means or why I have a picture of it or any of that!

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

Hey, remember me? I'm both: A, still in this movie; and B, a vampire! I've bitten Sandra Vergara but good, now it's your turn!

ANTON YELCHIN

Everyone get behind me! I'll take care of this.

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

You think you can defeat me? I've got vampiric strength and speed, I can shrug off wounds, climb walls...

(pause)

Why is nothing working?

ANTON YELCHIN

All those powers are useless against my Main Character Protective Shell! Now die!

(stakes Christopher)

CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE

ARRRGH!

(dissolves into red mist)

COLIN FARRELL

(appearing)

Well done, Anton. I may not be able to pierce your Protective Shell, but I CAN use the Law of Remakes to recreate the scene where I kidnap your girlfriend, even without having any of the original motivation!

(kidnaps Imogen)

ANTON YELCHIN

That does it, Colin Farrell must die! Where's David?

DAVID TENNANT

(dramatically)

No, you go on. I... must stay.

CUT TO:

INT. COLIN'S BLAND HOUSE

DAVID TENNANT

Surprise, I came along after all.

ANTON YELCHIN

Huh, that could have been a powerful character moment. Instead it's like you stopped for coffee on the way here.

ANTON finds IMOGEN trapped in the UPSTAIRS SECRET ROOM!

ANTON YELCHIN

Don't worry Imogen! I'll...

IMOGEN POOTS

AAIIEEE!!

ANTON YELCHIN

OH DEAR GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED IS SO TERRIFYING I CAN'T EVEN LOOK!!!

DAVID TENNANT

(rushing in)

What?! What is it, Anton!?!

ANTON, his body trembling, POINTS TO...

DAVID TENNANT

A trap door? That's the horrifying thing we couldn't show onscreen thirty seconds ago?

ANTON YELCHIN

Well, it somehow leads from the second floor directly to the basement, bypassing the ground floor completely. And when we smash against the basement ceiling later, we'll see the ground floor being damaged from below. That's some pretty horrifying continuity, you ask me.

CUT TO:

INT. COLIN'S BLAND BASEMENT

COLIN FARRELL

Welcome to my basement! I've been creating an army of vampires, and you two are next! Bwah ha ha! Oh, and, Fright Night.

ANTON YELCHIN

Sorry Colin, but you're not going to kill me before I realize my lifelong dream, of someday portraying the ORIGINAL version of a famous character.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh I'M not going to kill you. Sure I could snap both your necks in a heartbeat, but I'd rather have my assorted underlings get you, for some reason. Did I mention that includes Imogen now? I'm so wicked.

ANTON YELCHIN

David! It's time for your character to have his emotional, redemptive moment where he stands up to the forces of evil. Where are you?

DAVID TENNANT

(beneath pile of 700 vampires)

Being soundly defeated before achieving anything, why?

ANTON YELCHIN

Aw, geez! Well don't worry, I'll just shoot holes in the basement ceiling, creating beams of sunlight since the second storey and roof have apparently vanished!

ANTON and DAVID take cover in a SUNBEAM.

COLIN FARRELL

You do realize both of you have arms and legs sticking out of the sunbeam, by which we could easily drag you to your death.

DAVID TENNANT

Yeah, well, what YOU don't realize is that Anton has an awesome brilliant plan to defeat you! Right, Anton?

ANTON YELCHIN

Er, yeah. Unfortunately, my entire plan depended on setting myself on fire, and I didn't bring anything to start a fire with, because I have the planning skills of a potato. I don't suppose you...

DAVID TENNANT

Huzzah, I get to contribute in some way!

(lights match)

ANTON YELCHIN

Excellent! Now I can pull the magic string that ignites my clothes somehow!

BELA LUGOSI

POOLL THE STREENG, ANTON!! POOLL THE STREENG!!

ANTON KILLS THE FUCK OUT OF COLIN with FIRE, WOODEN STAKES, GARLIC, SUNLIGHT, SILVER CROSSES, HOLY WATER, GARLIC STAKES, HOLY WOOD, FIRE CROSSES, SUNGARLIC, and GARCROSSTAKEWATERLIGHTVER BULLETS, ALL AT ONCE!

DAVE FRANCO

Hey, we're not vampires anymore! Anton saved us!

DAVID TENNANT

Amazing! Does that mean my girlfriend Sandra Vergara is alive again?

ANTON YELCHIN

Er, no.

DAVID TENNANT

Oh.

(pause)

Do we know why not?

ANTON YELCHIN

Nope.

DAVID TENNANT

Huh.

(pause)

Think I should be upset about that, or show any reaction to it at all?

ANTON YELCHIN

Eh, why bother. Tell you what, you can date my Mom instead.

DAVID TENNANT

Oh yeah, whatever happened to her anyway? Did she recover?

ANTON YELCHIN

Well,

END