FADE IN:

EXT. BARROW, ALASKA. THE WORST TOWN EVER.

BEN FOSTER slowly makes his way towards the TOWN.

BEN FOSTER

This would’ve been a lot easier with fucking snow shoes.

He begins to SABOTAGE EVERYTHING, and Sheriff JOSH HARTNETT and Deputy MANU BENNETT are left to play CATCH-UP.

MANU BENNETT

Someone managed to steal all the phones in town? Without anyone noticing until we found them burned in a pile? That’s some Assassain’s Creed shit right there.

JOSH HARTNETT

And not at all suspicious the day before the town shuts down for an entire 30 days.

MANU BENNETT

Hey. Hey Josh.

JOSH HARTNETT

Don’t say it.

MANU BENNETT

Good thing it’s not for -

JOSH HARTNETT

Don’t fucking say it.

MANU BENNETT

- 40 days and 40 nights. Eh? Eh?

JOSH HARTNETT

Goddammit.

EXT. THE TOWN KENNELS.

BEN is making short work of PETER FEENEY'S SLED DOGS.

BEN FOSTER

(singing)

Watch out where the huskies go, and don’t you eat that crimson snow.

EXT. LITERALLY THE ONLY STREET IN TOWN.

JOSH is citing MARK BOONE JUNIOR for the OIL leaking from his TRUCK.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

You know, in a few weeks, this is going to be very ironic, you just wait and see.

MANU BENNETT

C’mon, Josh. Couldn’t you have given him a break?

JOSH HARTNETT

(actual line)

A little citation every now and then lets him know he’s part of this town.

MANU BENNETT

You know what else does that? Dinner. At your house. I feel like he might appreciate that more.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT.

JOSH’S estranged wife MELISSA GEORGE is racing to catch a PLANE. She CRASHES her PRODUCT PLACEMENT CAR into a FORESHADOWING CHAINSAW TRUCK, and MISSES her FLIGHT.

MELISSA GEORGE

Fuck. I would literally rather get eaten by vampires than stay in this town all month.

EXT. THE TELECOM CENTER

GRANT TILLY goes out to INVESTIGATE a DISTURBANCE. It does not go well for him.

INT. THE DINER.

BEN is WEIRDING EVERYBODY OUT.

BEN FOSTER

Gimme a drink.

ELIZABETH HAWTHORNE

Alcohol’s illegal this month.

BEN FOSTER

Well then, gimme a bowl of raw meat.

ELIZABETH HAWTHORNE

Around here, meat comes either frozen, or burnt.

BEN FOSTER

God, this town fucking SUCKS.

JOSH HARTNETT

Chill out, buddy. Why don’t we go outside and have a little chat about how creepy you are?

BEN gets ALL UP in JOSH’S GRILL. Luckily, MELISSA defuses the situation with her POSSIBLY ILLEGAL FIREARM.

MELISSA GEORGE

So… should we chat about our awkward separation?

DINER PATRONS

(staring)

BEN FOSTER

(squirming)

JOSH HARTNETT

Now’s probably not the best time.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE IN TOWN. WHO HONESTLY KNOWS, IT ALL LOOKS THE FUCKING SAME.

AMBER SAINSBURY is negotiating a POTENTIAL THREESOME with KELSON HENDERSON and JARED TURNER when KELSON is suddenly MISS LAURA’D down an ALLEYWAY.

JARED TURNER

Kelson! You were going to be my power bottom!

AMBER SAINSBURY

It looks like, in true horror movie fashion, the sexually active will be the first to die.

JARED TURNER

I thought Grant at the telecom center was the first to die?

AMBER SAINSBURY

Exactly, dude was a total horndog.

EXT. THE DOG GUY’S HOUSE.

PETER'S WIFE gets DRAGGED, SCREAMING, out of the HOUSE, and DISAPPEARS under it.

PETER FEENEY

First my dogs. Now my wife. I hate Mondays.

INT. THE STATION

JOSH is QUESTIONING BEN.

JOSH HARTNETT

It was you who killed the dogs and burned the phones, wasn’t it?

BEN FOSTER

You’re a dead man. I don’t talk to dead men.

JOSH HARTNETT

Admit it!

BEN FOSTER

I DON’T TALK TO DEAD MEN.

JOSH HARTNETT

THAT’S LITERALLY ALL YOU DO.

EXT. DOWNTOWN. WHICH, IN BARROW, IS ALSO UPTOWN, AND MIDTOWN.

NEIL TENNANT of the PET SHOP BOYS DANNY HUSTON descends on the town with PACK of CZECH VAMPIRES, and RUINS EVERYONE’S DAY.

DOOMED TOWNSPERSON #1

Gosh, this is just like the lunchtime buffet at a Mongolian Barbecue.

(bled dry)

DOOMED TOWNSPERSON #2

You know, for folks who need blood to survive, y’all sure leave a lot of it splattered on the ground.

(torn to shreds)

DOOMED TOWNSPERSON #3

Tell me about it! They’re going to get real hungry after they kill everyone on the first day.

(decapitated)

JOSH and MELISSA are SURROUNDED. Luckily, MARK wreaks some HAVOK with a SNOW PLOW, and RESCUES them.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

You know how it is. Killing a few vampires every now and then makes me feel like I’m part of the town.

MELISSA GEORGE

So what do we do now?

JOSH HARTNETT

You ever read The Diary of Anne Frank?

They ENSCONCE themselves, along with SOME OTHERS, in an ATTIC.

INT. THE ATTIC.

DAY 7. JOSH has already grown ALL THE FACIAL HAIR HE CAN MUSTER. NO ONE has been VOTED off the ISLAND.

JOSH HARTNETT

Well. We’re on the verge of starvation, so I’m going to venture out for food.

He SNEAKS OUT, and spots PETER under his HOUSE.

JOSH HARTNETT

You’ve been under your house for a week and you’re not dead yet?

PETER FEENEY

I’ve been surviving on snow cones.

JOSH HARTNETT

Are you okay, dude? You look grimmer than usual.

PETER FEENEY

Yeah, I’m totally normal. The normalest.

(smiles)

JOSH HARTNETT

Okay, your teeth were definitely not like that before.

PETER FEENEY

What’s your favorite snow cone? I like THE RED ONES!

They TUSSLE. JOSH eventually manages to DECAPITATE him.

JOSH HARTNETT

Who keeps an axe next to a swing, anyway?

JOSH returns and COLLAPSES, GASPING for AIR.

MELISSA GEORGE

Ohh yeah, the asthma. I’m guessing you don’t have your inhaler on you.

AMBER SAINSBURY

We sent the guy with asthma out there? We may need to rethink our strategy.

JOSH HARTNETT

(choking)

We still… need food… Gotta get to… the store… I’m jonesing… for some Cherry Garcia.

The GANG waits for the cover of a BLIZZARD, then RELOCATES.

INT. THE STORE.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

Ahh, bear mace and Oreos. The keys to surviving any siege.

Suddenly, they are ATTACKED by a TOKEN CREEPY VAMPIRE CHILD. They SUBDUE HER by REMOVING her HEAD.

JOSH HARTNETT

God, I hope that wasn’t anyone’s niece.

MELISSA GEORGE

No, she’s definitely no one we know. She must’ve come in with the others.

JOSH HARTNETT

Then why did she speak such good English?

MELISSA GEORGE

…Night school?

EXT. THE STREET.

Instead of STAYING PUT, the GANG decides another EXCURSION into the VAMPIRE-FILLED, NEGATIVE 30 OUTDOORS is in their BEST INTERESTS.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

My turn to cause a little trouble.

JOSH HARTNETT

Are you sure you don’t want me to go instead? That’s kinda been my thing so far.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

Oh, you wish you were as badass as I’m about to be.

Utilizing his TRUCK, a SHOTGUN, and FUCKING BEAR TRAPS, MARK takes out SEVERAL VAMPIRES SINGLEHANDEDLY.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

It’s just like Chekhov said: "one must never place a chainsaw truck in a movie if it isn’t going to fuck shit up."

JOSH HARTNETT

Dude, you’re kicking ass! Just don’t crash into any buildings, or try to blow yourself up.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

I mean, I’m not going to NOT do that.

MARK makes a JARRING TRANSFORMATION from STONE-COLD BADASS to TOTAL IDIOT, and is CAPTURED by DANNY.

DANNY HUSTON

Chak flak… grish karsk… tok mak?

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

(wounded)

I don’t… know what… that means.

DANNY HUSTON

Do you like cereal?

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

(wounded)

Frosted… Flakes… are great. How… about you?

DANNY HUSTON

I like Captain CRUNCH.

MARK BOONE JUNIOR

(dying)

Good... one.

INT. MANU BENNETT’S HOUSE.

JOSH and MELISSA have found MANU, sitting next to his DEAD WIFE and CHILDREN.

MELISSA GEORGE

Oh my God, you shot them!

MANU BENNETT

I didn’t want them to die like the others.

JOSH HARTNETT

Why didn’t you kill yourself, too?

MANU BENNETT

My gun jammed, and, despite being Deputy Sheriff, I didn’t know how to clear it.

They RACE back to their HIDEOUT, only to find it EMPTY.

MELISSA GEORGE

Maybe they tried for the utilidor?

JOSH HARTNETT

Literally less than a day of darkness left, and you think they decided to leave their safe hiding place for absolutely no reason? How stupid do you think they are?

MEANWHILE, the REST of the GANG heads for the UTILIDOR.

INT. UTILIDOR, THE SAFEST OF SAFE SPOTS.

A VAMPIRE has found its way inside, and ATTACKS MANU and JOSH. BITTEN, MANU manages to THROW the VAMPIRE into the INDUSTRIAL SHREDDER, losing his ARM in the process.

MANU BENNETT

I’M HAVING SUCH A BAD DAY.

JOSH HARTNETT

Think of the rabbits, Lennie!

JOSH and his TRUSTY AXE defuse YET ANOTHER VOLATILE SITUATION.

JOSH HARTNETT

Alright. Three. I draw the line at three beheadings.

AMBER SAINSBURY

Look outside! The streets are filling up with oil!

ELIZABETH HAWTHORNE

The pipeline! They’re going to burn the whole town!

JOSH HARTNETT

No, don’t worry, the ignition point of crude oil is far too high to -

DANNY lights the OIL with a MATCH.

JOSH HARTNETT

Oh, I guess we’re doing that instead, then. Odd how the snow’s not melting, either.

AMBER SAINSBURY

It’s all just going to look like a horrible accident.

JOSH HARTNETT

Yeah, it’s brilliant. Grant was running from the fire, tripped, and his head flew off and landed on a stick. Fuck this.

ELIZABETH HAWTHORNE

What are you doing?

JOSH HARTNETT

It’s heroic sacrifice time. Again. I mentioned that was my thing, right?

JOSH INJECTS himself with MANU’S VAMPIRE BLOOD, and starts to TURN. He walks OUTSIDE to face the VAMPIRES.

DANNY HUSTON

The Axeman cometh.

EXT. SHOWDOWN ON THE STREET OF BURNING CRUDE.

JOSH and DANNY are both VYING for the UPPER HAND.

JOSH HARTNETT

Why would you wait until the end of the month to burn down the town? You could’ve forced us out of hiding way before now, you big dummy.

DANNY HUSTON

But then we wouldn’t have had tasty snacks for the road.

JOSH HARTNETT

I bet you can’t even tie your own shoes.

DANNY HUSTON

Velcro life, motherfucker.

JOSH HARTNETT

You look like Bruce from Finding Nemo!

DANNY HUSTON

I’M NOT SURE HOW TO RESPOND TO THAT.

JOSH HARTNETT

USE YOUR HEAD!

JOSH LITERALLY PUNCHES ALL THE WAY THROUGH DANNY. The REST of the VAMPIRES BACK OFF in DISMAY.

MELISSA GEORGE

I guess it’s like prison. Beat up on the toughest dude; everyone else leaves you alone.

JOSH HARTNETT

Come on, Melissa. I want us to spend my last moments together.

The SUN FINALLY RISES. With all of his HORCRUXES destroyed, JOSH flakes away.

JOSH HARTNETT

(flakily)

I should’ve used… Dove Men Plus Care…

MELISSA GEORGE

Oh man. This is setting up an even better sequel, I can tell.

DIRECTOR DAVID SLADE

Actually, the sequel’s going to go direct-to-video, and we’re replacing you with Nikki Fernandez from Lost.

MELISSA GEORGE

I am going to smack everyone into tiny. little. pieces.

END.