FADE IN:

INT. WWII - NAZI-OCCUPIED FRANCE

A squad of PARATROOPERS are being flown to their DROP POINT as WWII rages around them!

BOKEEM WOODBINE

Listen up maggots! Our mission is to take out a certain radio tower or else D-Day will fail harder than the Cloverfield Paradox! And really I mean "your" mission, since we all know the clock is ticking on MY screen time. Sound off!

JOVAN ADEPO

(saluting)

Reluctant hero ready to discover his courage, SIR!

WYATT RUSSELL

(saluting)

Brooding hero under a cloud of shame who's actually misunderstood and noble, SIR!

JOHN MAGARO

(saluting)

Wisecracking apparent jerk with a heart of gold, SIR!

SKINNY-ASS CUBS-FAN GUY

(saluting)

Human MacGuffin, SIR!

Just then an ANTI-AIRCRAFT SHELL takes out HALF THE PLANE and everyone who survives JUMPS! We follow JOVAN aaaalllll the way down and he opens his CHUTE at the absolute very last second, which as we all know is one-third of a second before you hit the ground, right?

JOVAN ADEPO

Well I hit the WATER, not the ground, and lucky for me any fall is 100% harmless as long as you hit water first.

Anyhoo JOVAN manages to reach shore where he finds WYATT hiding amongst the TREES, and BOKEEM hiding amongst a GROUP OF NAZI SOLDIERS WHOOPS.

NAZI SOLDIER #1

Hm Bokeem has commander stripes, he might know things about where his troops are going, and what their plans are. We should capture him for questioning.

NAZI SOLDIER #2

All true but HE'S TOO FAMOUS, FUCKING SHOOT HIM

They DO. So our heroes keep searching and find...

JOHN MAGARO

It's me, you blister-footed mud eaters! This stinkeroo is for the birds I tells ya!

IAIN DE CAESTECKER

And it's also me, Fitz from "Agents of SHIELD"! Now on THAT show I'm the technological nerd guy, but HERE I'm the photographer nerd guy. Way different.

PRIVATE GOODBYE N. GOODRIDDANCE

And I'm gonna write a book and settle down and retire to a life of

(explodes)

Yeah I brought that on myself.

The survivors spot local resident MATHILDE OLLIVIER out doing errands deep in the forest. They CAPTURE her!

JOVAN ADEPO

Wait I speak French! Um, nous voulons de massacrer les Nazis ce soir? Parce-que maintenant peut-etre on fait de la frou frou?

MATHILDE OLLIVIER

(nods)

(gestures to follow)

MATHILDE leads them to her town where there's a NAZI PATROL! Our heroes hide and MATHILDE covers for them.

MATHILDE OLLIVIER

Now you may enter my home. Yes, I conveniently speak English, but I had to see if I could trust you first.

WYATT RUSSELL

We're speaking American and wearing American uniforms.

MATHILDE OLLIVIER

(shrugs)

You could have been Nazi Generals on your way to a Halloween party four months early, I dunno.

INT. MATHILDE'S HOUSE

Our heroes all pile into the house and meet MATHILDE'S DOOFUS KID BROTHER and also her HORRIBLY DEFORMED AUNT.

MATHILDE'S AUNT

(behind door)

Sorry, I can't receive visitors until I put my face on! Now where did I leave my entire literal face, oh haha that's right those Nazi scientists melted it. Maybe next time!

WYATT RUSSELL

John, Iain, go check IMDB to see if there's any more American soldiers in the cast list, they might be waiting for us at the rendezvous. We'll wait here.

But no sooner have JOHN and IAIN left than suddenly there is a surprise episode of HOUSE HUNTERS: NAZI INTIMIDATION EDITION!

PILOU ASBAEK

Hallo it's me, resident Head Nazi, here to extort sex from Mathilde by threatening her family! It's basically the even trashier version of "Inglourious Basterds" up in here.

(chuckles)

Although if I WERE the corresponding actor from "Inglorious Basterds", heh, then this scene could be, ha ha, "Christoph Waltz-ing Mathilde", HAR HAR AW YEEAHHH

JOVAN ADEPO

FUCK'S SAKE YOU HAD TO TRAVEL SO GODDAMN FAR FOR THAT PISSTACULAR SHIT JOKE

(clobbers Pilou)

JOVAN and WYATT subdue PILOU and tie him up!

WYATT RUSSELL

This changes things. Jovan, go get the two guys who hopefully aren't dead, who I sent to get the other guys who hopefully aren't dead. Try not to die.

JOVAN ADEPO

(blinks)

Right.

EXT. NAZI OCCUPIED FRANCE - NIGHT

JOVAN sets out but is spotted by a DOG! It CHASES him!

JOVAN ADEPO

Must escape this dog! Oh I know, I'll hop into this randomly passing Nazi truck which for all I know is carrying an entire squad of fully armed Nazi soldiers.

Luckily it's only carrying a PILE OF DEAD BODIES, PHEW!

JOVAN ADEPO

Well I should certainly jump out before we drive into a huge Nazi base oh darn.

Once inside the BASE, JOVAN gets his INDIANA JONES on and begins sneaking around JUUUST out of view of any guards. Eventually he finds the FREAKY SHIT wing of the base that includes spooky cells, monstrous prisoners, and a bizarre laboratory where he finds a GROTESQUE CORPSY DETACHED TALKING HEAD!

JOVAN ADEPO

Holy shit, didn't expect to find Kellyanne Conway down here HEY-OHHHHHHHHH

JOVAN searches further and finds a SYRINGE of CRANBERRY JUICE!

JOVAN ADEPO

This could be important. I'll quickly pocket that and somehow manage not to stab myself OR smash the glass tube OR snap off the needle or anything.

JOVAN continues snooping around, and just past the HANGING EMBRYONIC SACK FROM KEN BRANAGH'S FRANKENSTEIN DEPARTMENT is none other than....

JOVAN ADEPO

Oh my God it's Human MacGuffin, hooked up to some horrible machine! Don't worry I'm sure I can rip this umbilical cord right out of your torso and you'll be A-OK. I mean sure, there's an entire disc section beneath your skin but HERE GOES!

(does so)

HUMAN MACGUFFIN

OWWWW WHY AM I NOT BLEEDING TO DEATH

JOVAN looks for an overhead AIR VENT to escape through, then remembers they're in an old European castle and finds a STORM DRAIN thing instead. They GET AWAY!

INT. BACK AT MATHILDE'S HOUSE

JOVAN and MACGUFFIN return to find that JOHN and IAIN have also returned! Our heroes STRATEGIZE.

WYATT RUSSELL

I've been punching Pilou a lot to try and get info, but it hasn't worked. Fortunately I have a backup plan, which is punching.

JOVAN ADEPO

But I already found an unguarded way into the castle, let's rush in there with every explosive we have and fuck it up.

WYATT RUSSELL

Hm. On one hand that's not punching, on the other hand we're like halfway through and we've barely done any Wolfenstein shit yet. Okay, let's move! Iain, as our least formidable member, go up and get Pilou yourself please?

IAIN heads upstairs alone and finds PILOU bound and apparently unconscious, so obviously within ten seconds PILOU has fatally shot IAIN!

JOVAN ADEPO

(rushing upstairs)

Fuck! Well maybe the cranberry juice can save him.

Indeed, IAIN is revived, ZOMBILY!

IAIN DE CAESTWALKER

Ah that's better! Don't worry, SHIELD has brought me back from the dead dozens of times, I'll be okay...

WYATT RUSSELL

Dude, we all saw the trailer, you will SO NOT.

EATIN DE GUTSWALKER

But I feel fine, except for this crick in my neck.

(head flops completely, horrifically backwards)

And maybe a bit of pinkeye.

(eyes glow scarlet)

Nothing a true red-blooded American can't handle!

(bright red veins erupt all over body)

Hm, well I hear this look is all the rage.

(rages out)

Our heroes SHOOT and BLUDGEON and STOMP IAIN until finally his HEAD is BOOT GOOP. But in the chaos PILOU manages to snag STUPID BRAT LITTLE BROTHER and rush off!

WYATT RUSSELL

Shit! Everyone fire their child-retrieval bullets!

(shoots wildly at escaping Pilou)

PILOU ASBAEK

Argh, I've been hit... directly in the face? Seriously, half my face is fucking gone. I should at least be in shock I think.

But instead PILOU escapes back to the CASTLE!

INT. CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN

After some discussion, out heroes embark on a heroic plan to achieve the EQUALLY IMPORTANT GOALS of THWARTING THE ENTIRE NAZI INVASION OF THE WORLD and SAVING ONE STUPID BRAT KID.

JOHN MAGARO

Meanwhile, MacGuffin and I will take on an entire platoon of evil fucks using only our wits, chutzpah, and bursts of machine gun fire! Shit, did we just become the A-Team?

During this distraction JOVAN, WYATT, and MATHILDE sneak back in through the sewer! MATHILDE splits off to find her brother, and captures a NAZI GUARD!

NAZI GUARD

Um, your brother... is in there! That dark dark cell in the mutated freak wing. Go have a look, I'm sure he's just waiting patiently in a corner while not saying anything.

But nope, it's a NAZOMBI! It ATTACKS!

MATHILDE OLLIVIER

SHIT! Must run though this door and leave it wide open behind me!

(does so)

Shit, didn't work! But if I can just reach that next door, pass through and then not secure it in any way!

(does so)

WHAT AM I DOING WROONNGGGG

Luckily she finds a FLAMETHROWER and uses it to FRAG the NAZOMBI!

MATHILDE OLLIVIER

Oh thank God, I finally found a weapon that can take out Nazombis in one shot! This could be the key discovery that allows us to defeat the remaining undead and save D-Day!!

(throws away flamethrower)

(grabs brother)

(leaves)

Elsewhere, WYATT and JOVAN have been planting explosives when they realize that a BOSS FIGHT is necessary if they ever want to END the movie.

JOVAN ADEPO

Well I'm gonna need something to do while Wyatt fights Pilou. Maybe if MY Dad were a famous actor I could fight the Big Bad but NOOOOO

NAZI DOCTOR

How about you fight ME, a REGULAR-POWERED HUMAN in a LAB COAT!!! OOOO SCARY

(attacks)

JOVAN ADEPO

(sighs)

Fine.

(fights)

PILOU ASBAEK

Rarrgh it's me! I injected myself with the cranberry juice while STILL ALIVE and it's made me ragey and powerful!

WYATT RUSSELL

Well fuck, I'm doomed.

(thrown around)

Guess you're gonna rip my head and limbs off any moment now.

(thrown around)

Yep, it's curtains for me!

(stuck onto meat hook)

No sense struggOWWWWW!! Shit you actually fucking did something! Is that allowed?!

PILOU ASBAEK

Yep! Now to throw Jovan around, until I get bored and actually try to kill him too!

However WYATT manages to lift himself OFF the meat hook, grab a SYRINGE and INJECT himself!

WYATT RUSSELL

Now I also have superhuman swagger and scenery-chewing prowess! Guess I'm my Dad's son after all!

WYATT and PILOU inflict all manner of horrible damage on each other now that they're both invulnerable to horrible damage. But PILOU has slightly more midizombians in his BLOODSTREAM and so he WINS!

WYATT RUSSELL

(lying in bloody heap)

I guess we're truly fucked this time, Jovan. Sorry.

JOVAN ADEPO

(also in heap)

Guess so. I defeated the evil doctor, but all I have left is this pistol with, like, one bullet.

WYATT RUSSELL

And all I have is this explosive canister to roll towards Pilou.

JOVAN ADEPO

Hey maybe we can combine these two things in a beneficial way, if you catch my drift.

WYATT RUSSELL

Well this must be Tokyo because I have indeed caught the drift you referred to.

PILOU ASBAEK

(binge-watching Season 2 of The Good Place)

Gosh I sure hope they're not coming up with some sort of last-ditch plan or anything.

WYATT rolls the CANISTER and JOVAN SHOOTS IT and it EXPLODES right in PILOU'S FACE and BLOWS HIM THE FUCK UP which buys our heroes almost TWO MINUTES of tragic farewell time.

WYATT RUSSELL

Save yourself Jovan! I'm gonna stay while our explosives frag this whole place, we can't risk the cranberry juice falling into the wrong hands.

JOVAN ADEPO

Oh, so I get to do the "running away from CGI explosions" shtick while you get the big heroic sacrifice shot? Thanks so much.

JOVAN successfully GETS OUT while the ENTIRE BASE EXPLODES around him!!

EXT. MATHILDE'S VILLAGE

JOVAN finds MATHILDE with her ANNOYING USELESS BRATTY SNOT-NOSED AUGUSTUS-GLOOP-BUT-FRENCH BROTHER, along with JOHN and MACGUFFIN back in town.

JOHN MAGARO

We saved D-Day, hurray!

HUMAN MACGUFFIN

Woo-hoo! So wait, was this a Cloverfield movie or not? I know Abrams produced and originally fans thought this would be part of that series, but I didn't catch any explicit references.

JOHN MAGARO

It sure would improve the odds of people ever seeing this movie, if we could latch onto SOME kind of franchise.

JOVAN ADEPO

Well, in Paradox they said they would unleash weird demons and monsters and shit throughout all human history, so... maybe?

MATHILDE OLLIVIER

Plus, Overlord and Cloverfield are really similar words.

JOVAN ADEPO

Fuck it, why not. It's a Cloverfield movie! And so is, um, Deadpool.

END