FADE IN:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - THE NEAR FUTURE

PETER STORMARE is questioning GUY PEARCE by having him repeatedly PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

GUY PEARCE

So, you punch your mother with that fist?

(is punched in face)

Geez, that wouldn't punch a ticket to the Tissue Paper Festival, amirite?

(is punched in face)

Hey waiter, someone forgot to spike the punch, HEY-OH!

(is punched in face)

PETER STORMARE

Okay, stop already for Chrissakes, I can't take it! By which I mean these pathetic attempts at wisecracking. Just tell me what's happening in this heavily digitized film of you shooting your partner, even though I claim to have been there and seen everything myself.

GUY PEARCE

Wow, that grainy video would look fake by 1995 standards, never mind the future. Clearly you're framing me, especially since you are Peter Stormare and therefore evil.

(is punched in face)

PETER STORMARE

Yeah, later on you'll be WISHING that plot twist was just lame and unoriginal, believe me. Now for the last time, provide the flashback that is utterly unnecessary to anyone in this room!

INT. HOTEL ROOM - EARLIER

GUY is FIGHTING a GUY! The GUY almost KILLS GUY but GUY DEFEATS the GUY INSTEAD! GUY then attends to his DYING PARTNER.

DYING PARTNER

Guy, please take this important-looking metal briefcase. Um, and also this innocent-looking, smaller item OH WOW I WONDER IF IT'S REALLY THE IMPORTANT THING AND THE CASE IS A BIG DECOY?!?!!???

GUY PEARCE

The audience may not be fooled, but I am! Must! Protect! Briefcase!

COPS burst in! They try to ARREST GUY PEARCE but he magically TELEPORTS into an LSD-FUELLED MARIO KART GAME!!

GUY PEARCE

(hurtling through psychadelic landscape)

WHATTHEFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

(crashes)

DAMN YOU WALUIGIIIIIIII!!!!

GUY runs into a FUTURE SUBWAY where his OTHER, WIMPIER PARTNER, TIM PLESTER, is waiting! He THROWS him the BRIEFCASE in the NICK OF TIME just before the DOORS CLOSE!

GUY PEARCE

Whew! Good thing that even though things went totally to shit and I had to manically scramble away from the cops, he knew exactly where I would end up.

PETER STORMARE

(appearing)

As did I! Yes, I've also been waiting on this subway platform all along. What?

GUY PEARCE

So I get caught on a futuristic subway platform? Someone call Escape from New York, they want their deleted scene back.

(is punched in face)

EXT. EARTH ORBIT

We see an ESTABLISHING SHOT of the SPACE PRISON, complete with a TITLE that helpfully explains that we are looking at the SPACE PRISON, in case we all forgot that we just paid to see THE SPACE PRISON MOVIE.

INT. SPACE PRISON

MAGGIE GRACE, the PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER, ARRIVES with her SECRET SERVICE DETAIL led by JACKY IDO.

MAGGIE GRACE

Don't even think of stonewalling my investigation, Space Warden. Remember, I was on LOST, so I'm used to getting direct, full answers immediately.

SPACE WARDEN

Are you here to expose how we cryo-freeze our prisoners for the duration of their sentence? Because everyone already knows about that.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT

Well nobody told ME! So wait, if you commit a serious crime, you get to essentially teleport into the future? That's AWESOME! Fuck THIS shit, I'm off to go rob a bank!

(leaves)

MAGGIE GRACE

Actually, I'm here to expose the sinister corporate agenda behind this project. It has no real bearing on this movie, but we can use it for the sequBWAH HA HA HA HA OH GOD, HA HA sorry, I just can't say that with a straight face.

SPACE WARDEN

But this is the best, most secure prison ever. Look, we even put 200 gun turrets on it in case we ever need to defend ourselves against the 200 spaceships that we built in case we ever need to defend ourselves against the 200 gun turrets.

SPACE PRISON GUARD

Excuse me, Maggie, but your Secret Service detail needs to check in their weapons.

JACKY IDO

Ah, yes, my single gun which is the only one I have. Here you are. Um, let me adjust my sock for a moment.

(fumbles awkwardly with poorly concealed spare gun in sock)

Oh look, my tie is askew.

(jams AK-47 down front of shirt)

That's better! Now, where the hookers at?

INT. SPACE INTERVIEW ROOM

MAGGIE GRACE interviews convicted Scotsman JOSEPH GILGUN through a bulletproof glass screen.

MAGGIE GRACE

Why the fuck are all my guards over on that side?

JACKY IDO

(rolling eyes)

Um, so Joseph can steal my gun and escape? Shuh!

JOSEPH GILGUN

(stealing gun)

OCH AIEE HAGGIS LADDIE OCH!!!

JOSEPH GILGUN SHOOTS WILDLY! Since they are in a highly sensitive top-security area, EVERYTHING FUCKING EXPLODES! This allows JOSEPH to ESCAPE!

INT. SPACE MAIN CONTROL ROOM

JOSEPH GILGUN

OCH WEE LASSIE BAIRN AYE OCH!!!

CONTROL ROOM TECHNICIAN

Okay, okay! I'll push the "release every prisoner and deactivate all the redundancy safety features" button, just don't shoot!

Within moments ALL THE PRISONERS are DEFROSTED! They OVERPOWER all the GUARDS and take EVERYONE HOSTAGE!

VINCENT REGAN

Och, I am free, and only slightly less insane and Scottish than Joseph! Now they'll pay for locking me up on trumped-up charges of impersonating a Gerard Butler.

(kills guard)

THIS! IS! SPAA.....AACE PRISON!!!

INT. EARTH POLICE HQ

PETER STORMARE

Guy, we've just space-learned there's a space hostage situation going on at the space prison. Help us out and we'll let you go.

GUY PEARCE

I refuse. All I care about is making sure my wimpy partner Tim Plester is okay, and also finding that briefcase I know absolutely nothing about, because unidentified evil people want it for some unknown reason.

LENNIE JAMES

That's too bad, Guy. Are you SURE?!!?!??

(holds coffee cup up to Guy's face)

GUY PEARCE

(eyes scanning)

Ah... er... on second thought, maybe I will help. Lennie, can you move your ring finger, I can't see what's written after "THEY CAUGHT TIM AND STUCK HIM IN SPACE PRISON BUT HE MANAGED TO HIDE THE BRIEF".

PETER STORMARE

(sternly)

Lennie, did you write a secret message to Guy on your coffee cup, because you don't trust me? Is that why you've been clutching it in the same hand in the same position for two hours?

LENNIE JAMES

(nervously)

What? Ha, ha, of course not.

(crams entire coffee cup into mouth)

BBLMMPH! DHELISHUSH!!

PETER STORMARE

(sighs)

Whatever. Here's a bunch of fancy equipment for your mission, Guy, including an explosive device that can magically regenerate itself up to 5 times. Just remember that all of it automatically disables once we reach the third act.

PETER, LENNIE, and GUY travel to ORBITING SPACE POLICE HQ because in the FUTURE there has been a tremendous upswing in SPACE JAYWALKING and SPACE THEFT AUTO and SPACE GRAFFITI and SPACE SEX TOURISM and actually that last one probably would happen.

INT. SPACE PRISON

HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR

Hello, prisoners who are so violent and evil that we stuck you in orbit. I'm here to negotiate reasonably.

VINCENT REGAN

You should know that I am oblivious to how us being in outer space vastly complicates the traditional "hostages-for-transportation" deal! So what do you suggest?

HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR

You could release one of the two female hostages...

MAGGIE GRACE

Wait, there's another woman in the cast? Crap, she might overshadow me despite not having any dialogue.

(loudly)

IT'S A TRICK! THE OTHER WOMAN IS A SPY OR SOMETHING!

The BAD GUYS SHOOT the WOMAN and the HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR GUY!

VINCENT REGAN

Och, thanks for the tip, mysterious blonde woman who Joseph apparently remembers nothing about being a VIP visitor with her own security detail. In gratitude I will leave you and your oddly protective friend alone with my weakest guard.

INT. SPACE CORRIDOR

JACKY IDO and MAGGIE manage to ESCAPE!

JACKY IDO

Quick Maggie, in here!

(shoots lock)

There, I've destroyed the door controls, we're safe. Hm, and apparently I also destroyed the "don't flood the room with nitrogen gas" controls, so we have thirty minutes to live. Fuck.

(thinks)

Well, at least I can buy more time for the criminals to break in and recapture you, while also reducing the opposition they'll find...

(jams gun under chin)

MAGGIE GRACE

No, wait! What if they can override the door and break in minutes from now?

JACKY IDO

It's okay, didn't you see "Inglourious Basterds"? Sacrificing myself for the female lead is my stock in trade! FAREWELL!

(blows own head off)

MAGGIE GRACE

Well, poop. Now I guess I have no choice but to dig deep and evolve into an independently ass-kicking character who can take initiative and propel the plot all by herself...

GUY PEARCE

(bursting through ceiling)

Don't worry Maggie, I'm here to rescue you! Quick, into this vent!

MAGGIE GRACE

Or that could happen.

(sighs)

Just you? Is there any sane reason why you came alone? I mean, in "Executive Decision" they snuck a dozen guys on a passenger jet one-three-hundredth the size of this place.

GUY PEARCE

Well, I'm not really on my own, I have a crack team at Space Police HQ backing me up. Now let's just quietly sneak along and...

LENNIE JAMES

(broadcast over every speaker in prison)

GUY ARE YOU THERE?! GUY IT'S ME LENNIE, HOW IS YOUR TOP SECRET MISSION GOING?!?? REMEMBER NOT TO LET THEM FIND OUT MAGGIE IS THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER, IT WOULD SERIOUSLY FUCK THINGS... WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE "PAGE ALL" BUTTON IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE "TALK SECRETLY TO GUY" BUTTON?!? YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF MORON THAT I WOULD... AW SHIT, SORRY GUY, HOLD ON, I THINK THIS "SEVER ALL COMMUNICATIONS" BUTTON WILL FIX IT...

(static)

GUY PEARCE

Damn, now they're all after us! Time to chuck my future sci-fi bombs everywhere!!

GUY BLOWS UP a WHOLE BUNCH OF BAD GUYS with his SCI-FI BOMBS!

PRISONER

NOOO, NOT "THE TIME MACHINE"!!

(explodes)

The VENT COLLAPSES and GUY and MAGGIE FALL into a ROOM on TOP of each other!

GUY PEARCE

Har har, your face is next to my cock! Har!

MAGGIE GRACE

Yeah well your actual face looks like a cock because it is a cockface!

GUY PEARCE

But enough witty banter. I think before we move on, I should dye your hair, so the trailers can fool people into thinking there's more than one prominent female character in this whole movie.

INT. SPACE POLICE HQ

SPACE POLICE COMMISSIONER

I've got bad news, gentlemen. Apparently unless the space prison's orbit gets manually corrected every 5 hours it will hurtle into the atmosphere in an enormous metal fireball of death. And the one guy on board who knew how to correct the orbit is dead. And there is no way to do it remotely. And whoops I just crapped my pants, two days ago, and I do not know how to change my pants.

PETER STORMARE

(pause)

My God, that is the most fucking incompetent thing ever in the history of gross fucking incompetence. You are aware that putting things in orbit isn't some crazy sci-fi conceit, we can ACTUALLY DO that shit, right?

LENNIE JAMES

Hey, how do you think Guy will like our doublecross when he discovers the escape pod we told him about has only one seat?

PETER STORMARE

Since he's only agreed to do this for his own selfish reasons, I imagine he'll take the pod himself and leave Maggie to die horribly, as per our plan, oh wait we wanted the opposite to happen AW FUCKITY SHIT

INT. SPACE PRISON

Thanks to the DECAYING ORBIT, the SPACE PRISON crashes into the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION in much the same way that a 1980S CAR CHASE might crash through an APPLE CART. Meanwhile, GUY and MAGGIE find the POD!

GUY PEARCE

What the hell, there's only one seat, AND only enough room for two people to easily fit inside! Damn those double-crossing bastards! I'm getting out of here SEATED, d'you hear me?!? SEAAATEEDDD!!!!!!!

MAGGIE GRACE

Look, Guy, there's your partner!

TIM PLESTER

Herp derp derp! I am the only one of 2,300 criminals who had nasty side effects to the cryofreeze making me a babbling idiot!! Derp! Now I will speak cryptic nonsense, ooh, will that be a clue, oh fuck this shit, we all know my gibberish is a code for where the briefcase is, so here's your clue already.

(hands over paper with clue written on it)

(dies)

VINCENT REGAN

AHA WE CAPTURE YOU NOW! And you're outnumbered, because six of us snuck up on you in perfect single file, just to fool the camera that doesn't actually exist in our reality.

They THROW GUY PEARCE down a HOLE.

VINCENT REGAN

Och, we've got you again, Maggie! Now once more we hold ALL the cards, even though the prison crashing into things should really tip me off that there are other cards.

MAGGIE GRACE

Oooh, just you wait till Guy gets his hands on you! It'll be quite the payoff to finally see you two go mano a mano...

JOSEPH GILGUN

OCH I'LL MAK IT WHISSLE LIKE TAPS O'THRISSLE!!

(stabs Vincent)

MAGGIE GRACE

Or that could happen.

JOSEPH tries to stab MAGGIE but GUY PUNCHES him first, having walked RIGHT UP TO THEM but remaining invisible by being OUT OF SHOT.

GUY PEARCE

Damn you, Joseph, for taking away my big final boss fight! And rather than have one with you instead, let's run!

EXT. SPACE

The 200 SPACESHIPS are fighting the 200 GUN TURRETS!

ROCKET CAPTAIN CHAD CLENCHJAW

Hang on, Guy! It's time for me to complete my own dramatic character arc, as I heroically take out the enemy turrets and perform an incredible manoeuver to plant a bomb in just the right spot! Yes, the audience is sure to thrill at...

(gets radio message)

...what? All my other scenes got cut out of the movie? I'm just a nameless extra fighting automated turrets? How is that supposed to have any dramatic weight? Won't that make this whole sequence just kind of unengaging and...

(listens)

...oh, it did, huh? So I'll just blow up the space prison and, what, vanish into...

(vanishes)

The SPACE PRISON starts BLOWING THE FUCK UP!

GUY PEARCE

Quick, Maggie! Put on this spacesuit which, since it's been designed explicitly for maintenance purposes, has impossibly strong heat shielding, shock absorption, and a built-in parachute!

They achieve RE-FUCKING-ENTRY and PARACHUTE through the UPPER ATMOSPHERE, landing NOT on the 90% OF EARTH that is ocean or uninhabited land, but instead SAFELY ON A CITY STREET. Luckily their impact is cushioned by the MILLION CUBIC FUCKTONS OF BULLSHIT that has accumulated since the movie started.

INT. EARTHBOUND PRISON

LENNIE JAMES

Sorry we arrested you again, or something.

GUY PEARCE

That's okay. Maggie figured out the only way to reach the end of this godforsaken plot was to drop acid and go on some kind of visionquest. She got the briefcase!

LENNIE JAMES

Oh boy, let me open it!

(dials combination)

Hey, it's empty!

(thinks)

Oops, that reveals my evilness doesn't it. Funny that I would know the briefcase's combination but not know that there was nothing inside.

PETER STORMARE

Sorry, Lennie. Now YOU'RE under arrest.

GUY PEARCE

So, wait, Peter... you're NOT evil? So what was all that with the digital video before?

PETER STORMARE

Oh geez, you sure you want the answer to that? Couldn't we just leave it as a loose end? Because... oh man, it's so horrible.

GUY PEARCE

No, you must tell me.

PETER STORMARE

(sighs)

Okay, you ready for this? It WASN'T digitally altered. Instead, there was a gigantic mirrored door that was open, and you just HAPPENED to shoot an ENEMY AGENT who was BEHIND the mirror at the EXACT SAME TIME that the enemy agent shot YOUR PARTNER, and the REFLECTION of your partner getting shot JUST SO HAPPENED to LINE UP FUCKING PERFECTLY in the GODDAMN MIRROR to create the ILLUSION you shot your partner, and I JUST EVER SO FUCKING HAPPENED to be standing in the ONE GODDAMN EXACT FUCKING SPOT IN ALL CREATION where this illusion all LINED UP properly, and apparently I must have FUCKING TELEPORTED there for JUST THAT ONE FUCKING INSTANT, since being there for ONE GODDAMN COCKMUNCHING SECOND BEFORE OR AFTER WOULD COMPLETELY SHATTER THE ILLUSION ALL TO DOGSHIT, and it is possibly the MOST COLOSSALLY, SHIT-GARGLINGLY, ASS-REAMINGLY FUCKTARDED PLOT TWIST OF ALL TIME, and now I have to throw up.

(vomits out own soul)

EXT. STREET

GUY saunters out of PRISON.

GUY PEARCE

Hey, that innocent-looking item my dead partner gave me has a memory chip hidden inside. I guess it has the information we'll use in the sequBWAH HA HA HA OOO BOY THAT IS HILARIOUS

MAGGIE GRACE

Hey there, Guy. Thought I'd help you wrap this up with some more witty banter.

GUY PEARCE

Why not? Then I'd owe YOU one.

MAGGIE GRACE

I guess size DOES matter.

GUY PEARCE

Maybe I'll let YOU drive next time.

MAGGIE GRACE

I dunno. A girl could get used to this.

GUY PEARCE

You're all right, kid.

MAGGIE GRACE

I'm too old for this shit.

GUY PEARCE

The name's Plissken.

(is punched in face)

END