INT. OLD TIMEY AMERICAN HOUSE

YOUNG TRUDY is sick with measles. Her MOTHER, JEANETTE HAIN comforts her daughter.

YOUNG TRUDY

What good news do you bring a dying child, mother?

JEANETTE HAIN

A ferry at the port was on fire. All the women died because they couldn't swim.

YOUNG TRUDY

(coughing)

Ummm…thanks mom.

YOUNG TRUDY's father, KIM BODNIA, comes to comfort his dying daughter.

KIM BODNIA

Women swimming? That will invert their ovaries and make their children vote for communists. Women can't swim.

YOUNG TRUDY gets better instantly.

YOUNG TRUDY

I can survive things! English Channel here I come.

YOUNG MEG, Trudy's sister, also wants to swim.

YOUNG MEG

I demand it.

KIM BODNIA

Shut up Meg! Absolutely not. If girls start swimming it will lead to a social network of feet pics. It's a slippery slope.

YOUNG TRUDY picks up another hobby, playing the ukulele and singing "Ain't We Got Fun," over and over.

KIM BODNIA

I will not change my mind.

YOUNG TRUDY

(singing)

Skibidi toilet!

KIM BODNIA

Oh gawd no! You can go swimming.

INT. SWIMMING POOL FOR WOMEN

DAISY RIDLEY, Trudy, is all grown up. She is learning how to swim competitively with her sister, TILDA COBHAM-HERVEY. Her new coach is SIAN CLIFFORD.

SIAN CLIFFORD

Hello, girls, I am inventing something called girl's sports. It is a brand new concept.

JEANETTE HAIN

My daughters will be an American athletes, yes?

DAISY RIDLEY

I want it!

TILDA COBHAM-HERVEY

I want it too, but a little less.

DAISY RIDLEY jumps into the pool and looks like a struggling dog.

SIAN CLIFFORD

This girl wants to be a champion swimmer?

JEANETTE HAIN

She had measles, she is almost deaf, and she is coming off a mediocre Star Wars run. But she has heart, which replaces talent and ability in these movies.

SIAN CLIFFORD

We will give her a try.

EXT. WOMEN'S SWIMMING RACE

DAISY RIDLEY is in her first race against the AUSTRALIANS. GLENN FLESHLER starts the race.

GLENN FLESHLER

For the very first time women are allowed to swim in the men's pool. To keep things safe for the women we have made all the men, 18-40, in the tri-county area sign a contract not to lust over them while they are swimming.

(man faints from the shock of women in the men's swimming pool)

SIAN CLIFFORD

Kick your feet, kick your feet, kick your feet, kick your feet.

(repeat 30,000 times)

DAISY RIDLEY wins. Now she has to beat the race on HARD in the OLYMPICS to unlock all the costumes and tracks.

KIM BODNIA

Women cannot race or go to the Olympics. If they go to the Olympics then their estrogen will turn into Nazi pamphlets!

TILDA COBHAM-HERVEY

Awww nuts, I get the runner-up prize, being forced into a German marriage. Married women lose all their sports powers.

EXT. THE BOAT RIDE TO THE OLYMPICS

DAISY RIDLEY and the other US OLYMPIC SWIMMING women (who obviously did not earn the right to have a movie about them) are forced to stay in their cabins.

DAISY RIDLEY

We need to practice before the Olympics!

MAN IN CHARGE OF SAFETY

Are you crazy? If these testosterone-filled gentlemen even see one iota of your ankle they could ravage the entire countryside. We can't risk it.

INT. OLYMPIC SWIMMING POOL

DAISY RIDLEY loses all her trials at the OLYMPICS.

DAISY RIDLEY

I guess this isn't a Mary Sue story where I am amazing at everything. I will have to settle with the eternal embarrassment of going to the Olympics and not placing.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

This just in, the US women did not place in the Olympic swimming trials. As a result every female on US soil must become pregnant overnight and must settle for less. We will see you in the kitchen, ladies.

EXT. BEACH

DAISY RIDLEY visits STEPHEN GRAHAM, a celebrity who has crossed the English Channel many times. His buttcrack is shown more times than the movie BUTTCRACKS OF AMERICA: A DOCUMENTARY.

STEPHEN GRAHAM

(arrives on the beach nude)

I am a national hero! I have swam the channel.

The crowd tackles him for indecency.

DAISY RIDLEY

Hmmm... maybe I should swim the English Channel or arrive nude on public beaches. Not sure what message I am getting here.

KIM BODNIA

Women cannot swim across channels. It makes their brains want to wear pant suits and run for president and then they get caught in email scandals. I forbid it.

INT. FRENCH CABIN

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON is DAISY's new coach.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

I have attempted to swim the channel several times and have failed, but I will teach you how to almost do it. I am used to trying new things and failing.

(recalls his Doctor Who stint)

I recommend you use the breast stroke because it doesn't tire out the body as fast.

DAISY RIDLEY

Nope, I am a woman so I am going to use the exhausting stroke.

ALEXANDER KARIM is another fellow English swimmer.

ALEXANDER KARIM

Look here, bruv. If you swim in the pond, ya gonna die like my mates. He went into the water and he was drowned, stabbed, bludgeoned, robbed, electrocuted, poisoned, incarcerated, and defamed. Only the brave can swim the channel, mate.

DAISY RIDLEY

But I really, really, really, really want to.

ALEXANDER KARIM

Okay then. You're good.

GLENN FLESHLER

Okay, Daisy. If you can make this epic swim then women all over America will be free to try competitive sports despite having bodies that make children. If you fail, then every women in America is banned from all exercise. No pressure.

EXT. THE FRENCH BEACH

DAISY does her first swim run across the channel. CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON follows her on a boat.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON

Daisy, I am going to keep you going. Swim into those rocks. Paddle faster. Stop moving your arms. Take a huge breath underwater.

DAISY RIDLEY

Hmmm... I wonder if Christopher is trying to make me fail. He didn't want me to eat for 24 hours and now he is handing me bottles of Nyquil.

(Daisy falls asleep)

RADIO ANNOUNCER

This just in. Daisy has quit the English Channel swim. This proves that God giving women legs and arms that can paddle was a mistake. Families are being urged to discourage their daughters from trying anything more than once.

INT. CLUB MED

KIM BODNIA and TILDA COBHAM-HERVEY visit DAISY RIDLEY in the recovery area.

TILDA COBHAM-HERVEY

Sorry you didn't win. You can still go home, get married, and become a butcher.

KIM BODNIA

Nein! My daughter has made me so proud. You mustn't give up. Don't quit. We named a schnitzel after you in the shop.

STEPHEN GRAHAM appears... with clothes on.

STEPHEN GRAHAM

You can't give up Daisy. You need to do this for the people who matter.

DAISY RIDLEY

Young girls everywhere?

STEPHEN GRAHAM

More like shareholders and Disney execs. They are paying you big money. I will be your English Channel coach.

DAISY RIDLEY

If I do this, no one can pull me out of the water for any reason. Do you understand?

STEPHEN GRAHAM

What if you are going to die?

DAISY RIDLEY

Then I will perish.

STEPHEN GRAHAM

There is a house of children on fire and only you can save them?

DAISY RIDLEY

They will perish.

STEPHEN GRAHAM

Star Wars Episode 10?

DAISY RIDLEY

Disney will perish.

EXT. FRENCH BEACH AGAIN

DAISY RIDLEY is now wearing the world's first sports bikini. The MEN of America have to be tied down to stretchers in fear they will devastate the land. Multiple riots breakout. SUSAN B. ANTHONY returns as a zombie.

STEPHEN GRAHAM

I have taken the liberty of adding extra miles to your route, summoning rain, and adding an underwater mission where you have to defuse bombs. I think you are ready.

DAISY RIDLEY

Thanks?

DAISY prepares her swim by rubbing her body in seal fat.

DAISY RIDLEY

(singing ad nauseum)

Every morning, every evening, ain't we got fun. Not much money. Oh but honey, ain't we got fun.

(beat)

This was the "Let it Go" of the 1920s.

DAISY RIDLEY continues swimming the channel and a boat of nosey reporters start asking her woman questions.

REPORTER

Daisy, are you considered a Disney princess? Daisy, is Luke your grandfather or uncle? Daisy, how did Palpatine just return?

STEPHAN GRAHAM starts picking them off with rifle shots. It is considered the greatest massacre of the 1920s. The hard R rating is adhered to. Not really, but reporters are the main antagonists of this movie.

DAISY RIDLEY swims. She cuts through a splotch of jellyfish.

KIM BODNIA

Stop the competition! It's too dangerous.

DAISY RIDLEY swims. Her mask gets a bit leaky.

KIM BODNIA

Stop the competition! Call the coast guard.

DAISY RIDLEY swims. She gets a bit peckish.

KIM BODNIA

Stop the competition! Get the defibrillator!

DAISY RIDLEY swims. She gets tired.

KIM BODNIA

Stop the competition!

DAISY RIDLEY

Dad, I don't think you know how cheerleading works.

EXT. ENGLISH CHANNEL- DARK

DAISY RIDLEY is lost in the dark, splashed around by the tide. All seems hopeless.

EVERYONE IN EUROPE

We are lighting fires so you can find your way!

DAISY RIDLEY

It's working. I am swimming toward the fire. I can't let anything get in my way.

PEOPLE OF JAPAN

You are heading toward Japan. You are following the wrong fire. We just had a huge earthquake.

DAISY RIDLEY

Oops. I see the fire.

PEOPLE OF SMYRNA

Nope, this is the wrong fire. You are swimming toward Greece and we just burned down Smyrna.

DAISY RIDLEY

Oh right. Okay, I see the fire.

PEOPLE OF ONTARIO

Wrong. We just had a huge forest fire killing thousands of people. You are heading towards Canada.

DAISY RIDLEY

Shucks, the 1920s was a horrible time for fire.

DAISY is able to climb on shore. The people of EUROPE are ecstatic. MEN across the channel start leaving their wives because of her BATHING SUIT. HUGH HEFNER is born shortly after.

KIM BODNIA

You did it, honey. Women are amazing at sports. I believed you the whole time.

TILDA COBHAM-HERVEY

Because you won sports now you don't have to get married to a loser. It's in the contract.

ALEXANDER KARIM

Way to go, bruv. You doggy wagged in the cut and now you are a legend, govenah'.

JEANETTE HAIN

Hey, I am still in this movie. I held a radio station hostage so I could get faster updates about your swimming.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

Daisy has swam the English Channel. She will now be the root cause of inspiration for athletes like Charlotte Flair, Chyna, Bianca Belair, Rhea Ripley, Alexa Bliss, and Liv Morgan.

(handed new report)

Sports Illustrated, supporting women's sports, will now feature an issue of them scantily clad. This is definitely a win.

END