FADE IN:

EXT. MOVIE THEATER

WILLIAM DONOHUE

No! Do not go quietly into that good night, gentle moviegoer! This movie is a vicious mockery of all that Catholics hold to be sacred!

MOVIEGOER

It is?

WILLIAM DONOHUE

Yes! This man is obviously motivated by a deep-seated hatred of Catholics!

MOVIEGOER

Wow. How did you even see it yet? It's only been shown at film festivals. Did you catch the 4 o'clock show?

WILLIAM DONOHUE

Um...no.

MOVIEGOER

Did you read the script while it floated around the internet before Lion's Gate picked it up?

WILLIAM DONOHUE

No...

MOVIEGOER

Then how do you know it's anti- Catholic?

WILLIAM DONOHUE

Because it has the word Catholic in it!! Think about it, why would somebody make a movie featuring religious themes if not to mock them?

MOVIEGOER

But Kevin Smith IS a Catholic. A practicing Catholic, actually. He wrote the movie as an exploration of faith.

WILLIAM DONOHUE

(covering his ears, singing)

LALALALALA!!!! I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU!

MOVIEGOER

Is there someone else I can talk to?

PROTESTER

Despite the fact that not a single one of us has seen it, we know that this movie insults every one of our beliefs.

MOVIEGOER

Because it has Catholic themes!?

WILLIAM DONOHUE

(enraged)

We've apologized for the inquisition!! That wasn't our fault!! Stop bringing it up!!

MOVIEGOER

But this movie doesn't...

WILLIAM DONOHUE

And yes, the church took the gold looted by the Nazis!! But there's no need to keep rubbing it in our faces! And yes, to prevent this movie from coming out people in our ranks have threatened the lives of the director's family!!

MOVIEGOER

But this movie doesn't talk about ANY of that!

One of the RIGHTEOUS, GOD-FEARING CATHOLICS shoots the MOVIEGOER in the head.

EXT. ASBURY PARK

Some HOCKEY PUNKS beat the shit out of an OLD MAN.

INT. AIRPORT

MATT DAMON and BEN AFFLECK are watching people deboard.

TEENAGE GIRLS IN AUDIENCE

*sigh*

MATT DAMON

Why'd you call me here?

BEN AFFLECK

Someone sent me an article about a church rededication. If we become human we can use the principle of planary indulgence to reenter heaven.

MATT and BEN engage in a debate on the intricacies of divine and church laws. 90% of the audience is now completely LOST.

MATT DAMON

By the way, as angels, we don't have any genitals.

TEENAGE GIRLS IN AUDIENCE

Goddammit!!

INT. ABORTION CLINIC

JANEANE GAROFALO makes an appearance, in accordance with Luke 3:37, "And no man shall buy or sell a film in- dependent for wont of Janeane of Garofalo."

INT. APARTMENT

LINDA FIORENTINO is sleeping. Suddenly, a fire breaks out.

LINDA FIORENTINO

What the fuck!?

ALAN RICKMAN appears.

ALAN RICKMAN

I am the Voice of God, punk. Here, let me explain the plot.

He does.

ALAN RICKMAN

So, here's the deal. You are to meet up with two prophets. They will guide you to the church you must prevent the angels from entering.

LINDA FIORENTINO

But where do I need to go?

ALAN RICKMAN

New Jersey.

LINDA FIORENTINO

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

JASON LEE is talking to the HOCKEY PUNKS.

JASON LEE

Whack Linda.

KEVIN SMITH FANS IN AUDIENCE

But that's...that's Brodie! He can't be a bad guy! Can't...reconcile...

The KEVIN SMITH FANS' heads explode.

EXT. ABORTION CLINIC

The HOCKEY PUNKS from the opening scene advance on LINDA. Suddenly:

JAY

Motherfuckin' noodge, cocksmokers!

SILENT BOB

Shut up.

JAY and SILENT BOB beat the shit out of the HOCKEY PUNKS, who retreat.

LINDA FIORENTINO

Who the hell are you?

JAY

Fuck me! Fuck me, I beg you!

LINDA FIORENTINO

Wonderful. I get to spent the next several days of my life with this prick. Come on, let's get going.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

JASON LEE and the HOCKEY PUNKS again.

JASON LEE

Since you failed, we're going to have to resort to more drastic measures.

EXT. HIGHWAY

CHRIS ROCK falls from the sky. This doesn't have any obvious effect on the plot for a few minutes.

INT. STRIP CLUB

SALMA HAYEK is reprising her role from FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, except BOUNCIER. In the audience we see DWIGHT EWELL, gratuitous cameo #431. Suddenly the GOLGOTHAN, a.k.a. the SHIT DEMON, a.k.a. ETHAN SUPLEE in gratuitous cameo #432, kills a bunch of people and falls to SILENT BOB's ingenuity in a scene that is DISGUSTING, SLAPSTICK and not particularly FUNNY.

Meanwhile, MATT and BEN are killing people, finally allowing KEVIN SMITH to do something with the MOOBY character he's been plastering all over the comics, and also allowing for the gratuitous cameo of JEFF ANDERSON.

EXT. SOMEWHERE

LINDA, CHRIS, SALMA, JAY and SILENT BOB are hanging out.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Wasn't this movie supposed to be controversial?

OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yeah, Chasing Amy was more controversial than this.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

POKÉMON was more controversial than this!

CHRIS ROCK

By the way, Jesus was black.

SALMA HAYEK

And God is a woman.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

A black Jesus and a female God? I...guess that's kind of a new idea. Maybe that's the controversial part.

OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER

No, people have been saying both of those for decades now.

CHRIS ROCK

And Mary had children after Jesus. And one of them made you, give or take a hundred generations or so.

LINDA runs off and meets up with ALAN. An ORIGINAL, THOUGHT-PROVOKING and not a little MOVING scene takes place that causes the CHRISTIANS in the audience to think more DEEPLY about their faith.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yep. This is definitely fiercely anti- Christian.

INT. A DARK, GRITTY PARKING LOT

MATT DAMON

The fuck? Did we walk into a David Fincher movie?

BEN AFFLECK

By the way, I've decided to turn against God.

Another highly THOUGHT-PROVOKING scene ensues, this time one that appears to have been cut and pasted from NEIL GAIMAN stories.

INT. A BAR

JASON LEE

Ha! I've tricked Matt and Ben into undoing existence so I don't have to go back to hell!

SILENT BOB hits him with an BLESSED GOLF CLUB that should have been mentioned earlier but the author FORGOT. These things are more complicated than they look, you know. He DIES. It's fairly BLOODY, but at least there's no SHIT involved.

EXT. THE CHURCH

GEORGE CARLIN

And with the reopening of these doors, the new era of Catholicism shall begin, a new face on the time-honored teaching that our God has a bigger dick than your God! Wait a minute, there's nothing in the movie like that. The author just threw it in for the sake of a Carlin stand-up reference.

PETER RAUCH

Sorry. Moving on.

BEN AFFLECK

Prepare to meet the wrath of God!

BEN kills a shitload of people.

Our HEROES show up in time to find BEN flying around dropping people to their deaths, and MATT is standing around drunk. He is bleeding, because the lord of dreams cut off his wings when...wait, never mind. He's bloody because either he or BEN cut off his wings, this allowing him to transsubstantiate into human form. We don't know if this entails growing genitals or not.

MATT DAMON

BEN, we can't undo existence!

BEN kills MATT. I mean, what the hell else was he gonna do?

Suddenly JAY gets the bright idea to machinegun BEN, ripping off his wings and making him human. Why he doesn't readjust him aim and finish the job is anyone's guess, but the now human BEN starts moving for the door that will absolve him of his sins and permit him reentry into heaven. LINDA proceeds to run five miles in thirty seconds and pulls the plug on an OLD MAN in the hospital. He DIES, and nothing happens.

LINDA FIORENTINO

(looking at his chart)

Appendectomy. Oh. Sorry!

She then goes across the hall and pulls the plug on the OLD MAN from the opening scene, thus releasing God. She then immediately begins bleeding profusely from her stomach, of all places. Back at the church, the doors slowly open to reveal...ALANIS MORISSETTE.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

What the FUCK!? God is Alanis?

OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER

Well, it explains how she convinced GOOD musicians like Liz Phair and Tori Amos to tour with her.

GOD kills the AUTHOR for talking smack about her, then kills BEN for trying to undo creation. Everyone's happy, except LINDA, who's dead. But ALANIS resurrects her, and tells her she's pregnant; a virgin birth, a new God-child to walk the Earth once more.

LINDA FIORENTINO

Fuck!

AUDIENCE

So...let me get this straight. God is just, loving and all-powerful, humans are prone to mistakes, faith is a blessing, and the name of God shouldn't be used to justify murders or wars. Yes, this is all very cutting- edge, highly controversial stuff. This certainly explains why the movie was in development limbo for a fucking year.

WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH

I didn't say it was controversial. I just wanted it to be funny and thought- provoking.

AUDIENCE

Well fuck you! You're making me think about God! Didn't it occur to you that most of your fans are jaded Gen-X agnostics? I'm going home. Tell me when you get back to making movies about lesbians.

END