FADE IN:

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

"Ordinary teen" LILY COLLINS starts scribbling the REFLECTIONS INTERACTIVE LOGO all over the place one day.

LILY COLLINS

Man, what's wrong with me? I can't stop recreating this cryptic image all of a sudden!

RIPOFF-O-METER

And we're off to a rousing start with a piece of shameless pilfering from the sci-fi classic Close Encounters of the Third Kind!

LILY COLLINS

Nuh uh, we specifically make that comparison ourselves, which totally lets us off the hook.

RIPOFF-O-METER

Yeah, well if that's your strategy, you're going to be wearing out your name-dropping muscles pretty quickly, just saying.

LILY COLLINS

Hey look, that symbol has been scrawled in invisible writing on some nightclub for reasons that are never made clear! Come, nerdy tagalong friend!

ROBERT SHEEHAN

Yep, I'm here as well.

They go into the CLUB where LILY sees some WEIRDOS murder another WEIRDO, but nobody else seems to see it.

LILY COLLINS

AAHHH!! I'm seeing things that aren't there and obsessively scribbling a meaningless symbol over everything! I clearly need to speak to a psychiatrist right away!

(pause)

Pfft, just kidding. Like I'm going to seek psychiatric help just because I'm suffering from signs of textbook schizophrenia. No, the more logical person to consult is one of the invisible people.

She confronts JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER alone in an alley.

LILY COLLINS

What's going on? What was with that murder I witnessed you committing, you crazy-looking, heavily-armed... I did not think this confrontation through, did I.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

It's all right, he was totally a bad guy. I might look sinister, but that's just because the wind changed while I was making a "cold imperious glower" face.

Suddenly LILY gets an alarming PHONE CALL FROM HER MOTHER and hurries home.

INT. LILY'S APARTMENT

The place is trashed and deserted except for an ordinary-looking dog. But then the dog's flesh splits open and it unravels into a many-tentacled eldritch abomination!

RIPOFF-O-METER

John Carpenter's The Thing? That's pretty random, but what the hey!

LILY manages to EXPLODE THE TENTACLE DOG by momentarily possessing RAMBO-ESQUE GUERILLA SKILLS. But then the dog's scattered, liquefied remains start running fluidly back together and it reconstitutes itself!

RIPOFF-O-METER

Aaaand Terminator 2! We'll just borrow from anything, I guess.

JAMIE shows up and KILLS THE DOG with his special PLEXIGLASS SWORD.

LILY COLLINS

Okay, if you followed me here, how come it took you so long to step in? Or if you didn't, how the hell did you find me?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

No time for that now, you need to know the truth. You may think you're just a normal unremarkable person, but the fact is, Lily - yer a wizard.

(pause)

Wait. No. What I MEANT to say was, you're The Slayer. Uh, I mean, The One. No, a Jumper - an Olympian - a Heterodyne - fuck, give me a second, I know this...

RIPOFF-O-METER

Buddy, you're kind of stepping on my lines here.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

SHADOWHUNTER. That's it, you're a Shadowhunter.

(pause)

Look, all the good names were taken, all right?

LILY COLLINS

And what the hell is that?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

A demon hunter. See, there's an invisible race of demons that infest the world, and we're part of a secret order that oh GOD this is so fucking generic.

LILY COLLINS

Pfft, I don't believe in demons.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

It's a lot to take in, I know, but let's go visit your witch neighbor downstairs and she can consult her tarot cards-

LILY COLLINS

I don't believe in witches either! And tarot cards are bullshit! And-

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

JESUS you're skeptical for somebody who was just saved from a tentacle monster by an invisible guy. Look, how about I take you to our base? There's this old building hidden right in the city, it's invisible to normals and houses the secret headquarters of-

RIPOFF-O-METER

The Order of the Phoenix?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

No! Fuck off!

ROBERT SHEEHAN

Can I come too?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Oh shit, have you been here basically the entire time?

ROBERT SHEEHAN

Not that you'd notice, but yep!

INT. THE INSTITUTE

JAMIE introduces LILY to fellow Shadowhunters KEVIN ZEGERS and JEMIMA WEST and team leader JARED HARRIS.

KEVIN ZEGERS

(angry all the time always)

That's right, it's just the four of us fighting against every single demon in the world. You'd think we'd be happy to have found another Shadowhunter, but first we'd have to be capable of experiencing emotions other than general teen novel wangst.

LILY COLLINS

So what demon-hunting powers do you guys have anyway?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

We have runes tattooed on us, see? Each one gives us a different magic ability or attribute.

LILY COLLINS

Okay, so why do you only have like a dozen each? Why aren't you tattooed to your eyeballs?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Uh - look, we also have music! The music of Johann Sebastian Bach repels demons!

LILY COLLINS

So, what, you carry boomboxes with you and blast Bach during battle or something?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

No, we just sort of... play it on a piano if we stumble across one.

LILY COLLINS

Wow. You guys are aware how much you suck, right?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

...I don't feel like expositing to you anymore. Jared, you're up.

JARED HARRIS

Okay, Lily, your mother was abducted because she knows the location of the Mortal "Not the Holy Grail Seriously This Movie is Totes Agnostic" Cup. Bad guy Jonathan Rhys Meyers wants it. He's a Shadowhunter who decided us superhumans should be ruling the world instead of protecting it-

RIPOFF-O-METER

X-Men!

JARED HARRIS

Yes, fair enough. He went too far and started experimenting with the cup to make himself more powerful!

LILY COLLINS

...So? Isn't it a good idea for Shadowhunters to make themselves more powerful? Hell, isn't that exactly what your magic tattoos are for?

JARED HARRIS

Well - maybe - but Jonathan crossed a line, man! He actually injected himself with demon blood so he could control demons!

LILY COLLINS

Controlling demons?! That sounds like a super useful skill for a demon hunter to have! You guys should all be doing that!

JARED HARRIS

Look, the important thing is, your mom took some kind of coma potion so the bad guys can't get information from her, but the location of the cup is also hidden in a part of your memory that your mother sealed up. The bad guys will want to get those memories, so we have to unlock them first and find the cup!

LILY COLLINS

If the bad guys want to capture me for my memories, why did they leave a demon dog in my house to tear my throat out?

JARED HARRIS

That was just a thing that happened for no reason at all! Forget about it and move on!

They take LILY to a WEIRD TOMB where they SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD WITH SWORD LASERS, but all she manages to remember is the name of the warlock who locked her memories.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Godfrey Gao, huh? Okay, let's go to his club and talk to him.

(pause)

Oh, by the way, this tomb place? This is the City of Bones. Really earned its top billing, didn't it?

(leaves)

They go to GODFREY'S CLUB, which has a BIG ROUND HOBBIT DOOR out front.

RIPOFF-O-METER

Okay, now you're just deliberately fucking with me.

They head inside and meet with GODFREY GAO, who-

LILY COLLINS

Oh dear God you have no pants. Where are your pants?

GODFREY GAO

Hello, Lily. I am the one who sealed away your memories of-

LILY COLLINS

Are those really tiny boxers or really weird briefs? Am I the only one who sees this?

GODFREY GAO

FOCUS. Now, sadly, I can't undo my own spell, so your memories will just have to come back over time. Preferably at dramatically appropriate moments over the course of several movies. One thing I can tell you is that that picture you have, of your late father? That's just some random dude, your mom lied about who your dad is!

LILY COLLINS

Well geez.

JEMIMA WEST

(bursting in)

Lily! Robert's been kidnapped by vampires!

LILY COLLINS

Aw poop.

(blinks awake)

Whu - sorry, I spaced out for a bit there and forgot to act for like half the scene. Can we go for another take? Guys? Hello?

INT. HOTEL FOR VAMPIRES

They go into a VAMPIRE NEST to rescue ROBERT, who believe it or not has still been in this movie all along.

ROBERT SHEEHAN

Lily, it's a trap! The vampires are after the cup!

LILY COLLINS

Gasp! What fiendish intent could this horde of vampires have for the Mortal Cup?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Don't know, don't care, doesn't come up. We just threw that in so this wouldn't just be a pointless scene that happens randomly and means nothing.

Like FIFTY VAMPIRES ATTACK!

JEMIMA WEST

Shit, we're outnumbered ten to one, and that's COUNTING Lily and Robert. Only one thing to do: get the editor as coked up as humanly possible!

A vast number of vampire-fighting shots whiz by in a bewildering fashion, possibly some of them from other vampire movies. Then WEREWOLVES SHOW UP and the SHADOWHUNTERS FLEE while a big VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF BATTLE goes down.

RIPOFF-O-METER

Hello, Twilight! I was wondering when you were going to show up.

INT. THE INSTITUTE

ROBERT SHEEHAN

Hey, it seems now I don't need glasses all of a sudden. I guess I'll take the Peter Parker approach to this and give precisely zero shits about it.

LILY COLLINS

Well, I was going to say or do something about the big old vampire bite on your shoulder, but I guess if we're ignoring stuff, consider it forgotten forever. What should we change the subject to?

ROBERT SHEEHAN

I don't know, how about you FALLING FOR JAMIE, YOU BITCH?! All he's done is save both your life and mine, while I've been your clingy lapdog for YEARS! I should logically get to be with you! Friendzoning! Men's rights violation! WAAAAHHH!!!

LILY COLLINS

Holy fuck, you're in love with me?! I had no idea! Even though my mom figured it out, and Jamie picked up on it in about six seconds, and both of them TOLD me about it, I did NOT SEE THIS COMING!!

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Hey, you're not the only emotional moron around here, as I've mistaken your platonic affection for Robert for romantic interest and am all jealous about it! Humph!

KEVIN ZEGERS

But Jamie, I'M in love with you, and-

LILY COLLINS

Oh for God's sake, this Degrassi High emo bullshit is somehow even more painful than the generic demon hunter bullshit. I never thought I'd say this, but can we get back to the story?

SUDDENLY, it turns out LILY has the power to TURN OBJECTS INTO TWO-DIMENSIONAL IMAGES.

JARED HARRIS

Oh hey, you inherited your mom's unique power!

LILY COLLINS

...You're saying my mom's signature skill was her putting-things-away-so-that-only-she-could-retrieve-them power? Well hmmm, I WONDER what she could EVER have done with the CUP??? God, you people are idiots!

LILY and the SHADOWHUNTERS go and retrieve the Ace of Cups from LILY'S WITCH NEIGHBOUR'S TAROT CARDS. But it turns out the NEIGHBOUR is POSSESSED so they have to FIGHT and KILL her.

LILY COLLINS

Woah, we murdered an innocent woman I've known my whole life because she happened to be taken over by a demon. Maybe we should take at least a couple of seconds to consider the ethical ramifications of

INT. THE INSTITUTE

LILY takes the CUP out of the CARD and gives it to JARED.

JARED HARRIS

Awesome! I will now give it to MY SECRET ALLY JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS, DUN DUN DUNNNN!

LILY COLLINS

You're working for Jonathan?! Why?

JARED HARRIS

Because I have agoraphobia but I think I've been cursed and the evil megalomaniac Jonathan said he'd help me if - look, it's pretty dumb, just don't worry about it.

He turns on the MAGIC TELEPORTATION POOL and JONATHAN STEPS OUT.

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Finally! Do you have any idea how long I've apparently just been standing around waiting for that portal to open?

(takes the cup)

Now, Lily, I'm here not just for the cup but also for YOU. What did your mom tell you about your father?

LILY COLLINS

Not much, she just gave me a photo. I guess I should have wondered why there were no other photos, or why I never met any of his family, or-

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

No. I am your father!

RIPOFF-O-METER

Seriously? We're really going there?

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

You bet! I'm even asking her to rule by my side. Come on, Lily, drink my blood from the cup, it'll do... something!

He HANDS LILY THE CUP, but she just JAMS IT BACK IN THE CARD and ESCAPES THROUGH THE PORTAL.

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Well fuck. She'll be back, though, and in the meantime I'll flood The Institute with demons! I just have to make a pentagram out of spears in this room, then you go and pull a big lever in another room, which is some pretty random bullshit even for this movie.

JARED HARRIS

Why do we even have a "fill the building with demons" lever?

RIPOFF-O-METER

Heh, Cabin in the Woods, anybody? ...Wait a minute, if you rip off an uber-homage to a genre that's already mostly ripoffs...uh oh - FRACTAL PLAGIARISM - OVERLOAD--

(explodes)

Sure enough, when LILY arrives everyone's busy FIGHTING DEMONS MADE OUT OF CROWS. She SCRIBBLES A RUNE ON HER HAND and uses it to INSTA-FREEZE AN ENTIRE ROOM OF BAD GUYS.

ROBERT SHEEHAN

Wow, that's some move you got there! With that, any fight scene for the remainder of the franchise ought to be trivial.

LILY COLLINS

Oh. Right. Uh - oh darn, it just went and spontaneously de-runified. D'oh well!

ROBERT SHEEHAN

Incidentally, we found your mom. Turns out Jonathan stashed her in a closet in The Institute. Unconcealed, unguarded, in the middle of the good guy headquarters. Where any of us could have stumbled across her at any time. Yes.

LILY goes and confronts JONATHAN, who is talking with JAMIE.

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Guess what, Lily, I'M JAMIE'S FATHER TOO! The audience knows that I'm lying right now, but they've also been shown hints that I'm not, so it's confusing. Anyway, aren't you both so depressed about this that you'll just shrug your shoulders and turn evil?

LILY COLLINS

What? No. Was that really the plan?

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

Pretty much. I think we've made it clear by now that nobody from this movie is going to be invited to Mensa anytime soon.

LILY shoves JONATHAN into the PORTAL and then EXPLODES IT INTO SNOW.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Hooray, he's dead! Right? I don't really know what the hell just happened. At any rate, that's the movie, goodnight everybody!

LILY COLLINS

Wait, there's still a lot we haven't cleared up. Are you my brother or aren't you? Is Robert a vampire or what? Are we just going to let Jared off the hook?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Don't worry, I'm sure all these issues will be addressed in the remaining sequ-

LILY COLLINS

OKAY FINE I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW THEN.

END.