FADE IN:

EXT. BEAUTIFUL IRISH COUNTRYSIDE - NINETEEN TWENTY T'REE

COLIN FARRELL goes to collect BRENDAN GLEESON to go to the PUB but BRENDAN does not go to the PUB leaving COLIN alone at the PUB so COLIN leaves the PUB to ask BRENDAN why he’s not at the PUB.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Here's t' t'ing Colin, I don’t want t' be your fecking friend anymore.

COLIN FARRELL

Why t' feck not?

BRENDAN GLEESON

I have a reason, but it'll hurt way more if I don’t tell you. Since we were best friends yesterday I've decided to be t' biggest possible asshole about t'is, now feck off.

COLIN mopes off to his FARMHOUSE where he lives with his sister KERRY CONDON and his soulmate JENNY the MINIATURE DONKEY.

KERRY CONDON

What t' feck are you doing here? I’m trying to have a pleasant fireside visit with our local harbinger of doom, Sheila Flitton.

SHEILA FLITTON

(boiling cats)

Hello!

COLIN FARRELL

Well I can’t be at t' fecking pub because Brendan fecking Gleeson says we’re not fecking friends anymore and I’m too fecking upset by it, like. But if I’m in the way here I’ll just take Jenny the Donkey and we’ll go save Princess Fiona.

KERRY CONDON

See here you, I’ll tolerate anachronistic references in t'is house but NOT Scottish ones! Get t' feck back to t' pub!

INT. T' FECK BACK AT T' PUB

COLIN discovers BRENDAN is now at the PUB, but BRENDAN goes OUTSIDE the PUB so COLIN also goes OUTSIDE the PUB.

COLIN FARRELL

Can I just ask, what t' feck?

BRENDAN GLEESON

I know I said t' t'ing before but here’s REALLY t' t’ing Colin. I want to write memorable music before I die and I need to devote myself to t'at one hundred percent. So I don’t have time to feck about shooting t' shit.

COLIN FARRELL

I guess I can understand.

BRENDAN GLEESON

You can? Oh well forget I said any of t'at, um, it’s because you’re dull and stupid and sucked as Bullseye or whatever!

(shits in Colin’s beer)

T'ere, all settled t'en.

That night BRENDAN plays fiddle with other townsfolk while COLIN glares along with town idiot BARRY KEOGHAN.

BARRY KEOGHAN

I’d really like to meet t' girl singing along with Brendan.

(loudly)

T'is music is shite! Feck t'is you fecking feck!

(to Colin)

Did she swoon yet?

COLIN hauls BARRY out of the PUB and they go steal some HOOCH from BARRY’S NAKED COP DAD.

BARRY KEOGHAN

Not t'at his job is being a naked cop, you understand. He’s a cop and happened to be naked in t'at scene, like. Anyway, here’s to t' first of April!

(toasts)

COLIN FARRELL

April First? Why, t'at’s it! Ripping my heart from my chest and making me feel like total shite all day, t'at was Brendan playing an April Fool’s jest on me! Ha ha!

EXT. T' NEXT DAY – STUNNING IRISH COUNTRYSIDE

COLIN FARRELL

(beaming)

You got me good t'ere Brendan. Best prank since we convinced those daft Americans t'at green beer was a t'ing.

BRENDAN GLEESON

It wasn’t an April Fool you fecking idiot. It’s because you’re t' dullest dull dullard dullface who ever dulled. If you were an actor from 2001 you’d be Keir Dullea.

COLIN FARRELL

T'at’s harsh Brendan, I always saw myself as more of a Gary Lockwood, like.

Later on COLIN and KERRY come across BARRY who’s been beaten up by his ABUSIVE COP DAD so they take him home for dinner.

BARRY KEOGHAN

Not t'at his job’s being an abusive cop, mind you... well no, it kind of is. But he’s also abusive in his own right.

KERRY CONDON

Well I won’t pretend you’re my favourite person, Barry, but nobody should be going t'rough what you are. So you can stay so long as you behave yourself.

BARRY KEOGHAN

I appreciate t'at. So can I squeeze your tits, like?

KERRY CONDON

FECK’S SAKE BARRY.

EXT. GORGEOUS IRISH COUNTRYSIDE – T' NEXT DAY

COLIN non-nonchalantly leads his animals past BRENDAN'S house.

COLIN FARRELL

Hi Brendan, so like, when you said never talk to you ever again, is ever again over yet?

BRENDAN GLEESON

Feck no it isn’t! I need t' focus on my music! And if you don’t leave me alone I’ll start chopping off my fingers, an ultimatum completely at odds with my stated goal of composing fiddle music, dammit, why didn’t I choose almost anyt'ing else?!?

(stomps off)

COLIN goes into town to deliver milk from the farm to the general store of BRID NI NEACHTAIN.

BRID NI NEACHTAIN

Any news t'en Colin? We need some new news, good new news, you’d say if you knew new news, right? News news news news news.

COLIN FARRELL

Hm, well, t'ere is the story of how Barry’s dad beats him up a lot, like.

COP DAD

WHAT’S T'AT? HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE

(beats shit out of Colin)

HOW ARE FOLK SUPPOSED TO RESPECT T’ LAW IF YOU SAY SUCH T’INGS

(kicks Colin repeatedly)

BRENDAN scrapes COLIN off the street and helps him get home, but SILENTLY and without ever once going to the PUB together. COLIN sobs and then goes to the PUB.

INT. PUB – THAT NIGHT

COLIN decides the best plan is to get SUPER DRUNK and confront BRENDAN, who is having beers with ABUSIVE COP DAD since apparently that’s GREAT for artistic inspiration.

COLIN FARRELL

(ranting)

You used to be nice Brendan! Now you’re just being a selfish asshole! When have selfish assholes ever had successful music careers, I ask you?!? Checkmate!

(leaves)

BRENDAN GLEESON

Gosh, he was actually interesting, maybe I like Colin again! Everyone catch t'at? Make sure you spread t' word while I go back to behaving like I never said it.

COP DAD

Also, can everyone totally forget t' part where Colin revealed I’ve been sexually abusing my own son? Oh, you already did? Won't be mentioned again? Fantastic.

INT. COLIN AND KERRY’S HOUSE - T' NEXT MORNING

COLIN FARRELL

I don’t remember all I said last night, but in case I broke t' rules I went and apologized to Brendan for breaking t' rules.

(pause)

I hope t'at didn’t break t' rules.

However at that moment BRENDAN knocks on the door in that special Irish way where you only use one finger, oh and also you chop that finger right the feck off and throw it from distance, like.

COLIN FARRELL

In my defence I didn’t t'ink he could possibly be serious.

KERRY CONDON

God I’ve had it up t’ here with all this toxic bullshit, between you two and being constantly harassed by Cop Dad and Barry, maybe I should just take t' job on t' mainland which I never mentioned because leaving would break your heart, in fact let's just strikethrough all t'at, what job?

COLIN FARRELL

Cheer up sis, I’m sure t’ings will improve…

SHEILA FLITTON

(manifesting)

Why hellooooo! I just wanted to mention t'ere'll probably be one, or perhaps TWO, deaths on t' island by month’s end! Mwah ha ha ha!

(sinister flourish)

That is, given t' demographics and population size of t' island when correlated with various societal influences and other applicable metrics, I t'ink it's a statistically significant projection.

KERRY CONDON

AAIEE BEGONE WITCH

EXT. AWE-INSPIRING IRISH COUNTRYSIDE

COLIN checks in at the PUB and sees BRENDAN in the PUB with a MUSIC STUDENT, so COLIN waits outside the PUB for the STUDENT to leave the PUB.

COLIN FARRELL

Oh hey glad I caught you! Your ma, um I mean aunt, I mean sister, she, ah got hit by a truck, I mean horse, I mean meteor, you have to leave right away!

STUDENT

I can’t possibly doubt anything you just said!

(flees to mainland)

COLIN goes to drink hooch with BARRY and gloat about his prank.

BARRY KEOGHAN

What t' feck Colin? I guess t'at might impress Brendan, who is on t' record as saying he likes t' mean nasty version of you, but not me! Just for t'at maybe I won’t creep on your sister anymore, like!

(runs off)

COLIN FARRELL

Well her 40,000 rejections didn’t get you to stop so if t'is does, yay me I guess. Now, off t' make friends with Brendan!

INT. BRENDAN’S HOUSE

COLIN barges in all ornery, like.

COLIN FARRELL

(pissing on things)

Right so you like mean nasty me do ye? Have you at least finished your fecking tune yet, you fecking feck?

BRENDAN GLEESON

Actually I have. I’m calling it “The Banshees of...

(checks IMDB)

...Inisherin” because I t'ink it sounds cool. Don’t know if t' actual writer/director of t' movie put any more t'ought into it, I’ll have to Google it later.

COLIN FARRELL

T'at’s fecking great! So since you wrote a great tune even with all our drama going on, I guess you don’t need t' keep being a shit t' me to write music.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Guess I don't!

COLIN FARRELL

Hurray! All is well, no way can I feck this up. Oh did I mention how I was a complete evil shite t'wards your music student, like?

BRENDAN GLEESON

(hacks off remaining four fingers on hand)

(throws them at Colin’s house)

No you did not.

COLIN FARRELL

DAMMIT COLIN.

(despairs)

HORSE

(staring directly into camera)

T'ESE HUMANS AND T'EIR FECKING DRAMA, AMIRITE

EXT. WONDEROUS IRISH COUNTRYSIDE

COLIN relates the latest round of bullshit to KERRY.

KERRY CONDON

Right t'at does it, I’m going t’ t' mainland where maybe t'ere are characters with speaking roles who aren’t such miserable shites. Did you want t' come along?

COLIN FARRELL

But if I leave who’ll mind all the sadness? I must stay.

(waves goodbye)

But at least I still have all t' farm animals to share t' house with, and my faithful companion Jenny who eats everything in sight even if it’s severed human fingers t'at are terrible choking hazards but what are t' odds of AW SHITE JENNY FECKING FECK.

COLIN storms over to the PUB to confront BRENDAN.

COLIN FARRELL

I’m going t' burn down your fecking house at exactly 2 P.M. tomorrow. I know t' cop is right over t'ere but his only job is being abusive, not stopping crimes, so whatever.

EXT. SUPREMELY PHOTOGENIC IRISH COUNTRYSIDE – T' NEXT DAY

COLIN burns down BRENDAN’S HOUSE, making sure BRENDAN'S DOG is safe because we're not FECKING MONSTERS, LIKE, and then writes a letter to KERRY.

COLIN FARRELL

(writing)

Glad t’ hear you’re doing well Kerry, and safely away from t' quagmire of depression t'is plot has become. Barry was found dead in t' water by t' way, but we gave his t'roat orb to Sheila so at least we can still communicate with Big Boi Celestial. Also I murdered Brendan so yeah same old, same old.

However while on a walk later it turns out BRENDAN is STILL ALIVE, like!

BRENDAN GLEESON

Yeah I eventually decided I was sick of being surrounded by a burning house so I left.

(gazes into distance)

Look, t'ere’s more explosions on t' mainland, as part of the ongoing Civil War where people are senselessly murdering each ot'er and only perpetuating grief and despair.

COLIN FARRELL

Much like we are now doomed to be caught in an endless cycle of retribution and bitterness. Though unlike t'em, we have the ability t' choose to put our anger aside, forgive each other, and renew our friendship.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Will we?

COLIN FARRELL

Feck no. We'll both be miserable forever, you fecking feck.

(leaves)

HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS

(mugging to camera)

Now t'at’s what WE call COMEDY!!!!

END