"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"

A TRIP TO THE MOON

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HOGWARTS

A bunch of WIZARD SCIENTISTS are huddled in a tiny ASTRONOMY TOWER, wobbling and gesticulating excitedly. Head wizard scientist GEORGES MÉLIÈS calls the meeting to order.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

All right everybody, I’ve called you here today to-

Some MARCHING GIRLS parade in, escorting another group of SCIENTISTS.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Oh, okay. Well now that we’re all here-

The GIRLS present the SCIENTISTS with GOLDEN TELESCOPES and bid a ceremonial RETREAT.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Are you done? As I was saying-

The SCIENTISTS transform the TELESCOPES into STOOLS and seat themselves.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Oh GodDAMNit it takes fucking forever to get a meeting started around here, swear to Christ.

(sighs)

Anyway, I have a proposal, and pay attention because it’s not easy to explain yourself through big flailing arm gestures alone. I suggest that we take a trip... to the moon!

SCIENCE WIZARD

But how? Should we construct a rocket which can blast us free of the Earth’s gravitational pull?

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

A rocket? What fantastical pseudo-scientific stuff and nonsense! We’re going to shoot ourselves out of a giant cannon, OBVIOUSLY.

SCIENCE WIZARD

Okay... how do we get home, then? Is there going to be another cannon already on the moon so that we can shoot ourselves back?

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

NO MORE QUESTIONS!

An ARGUMENT breaks out. Everybody starts SHOUTING and STRUGGLING and THROWING THINGS and basically acting like they’re in PARLIAMENT. Eventually, however, a CONSENSUS is reached somehow, and GEORGES and some of the other SCIENTISTS agree to go to the MOON.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

So it’s decided! Let the marching girls come back in and start removing our clothes!

WIZARD SCIENTIST

Oh my! This is turning into an entirely different kind of movie all of a sudden.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

No no, they’re just helping us into our space suits. After all, to brave the conditions on the moon we’ll need absolutely the spiffiest greatcoats and jauntiest bowler hats we can lay our hands on!

They get FANCIED UP and head out.

EXT. WORKSHOP

GEORGES shows the others the completed CANNON and nearly-completed SPACECRAFT.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

To be honest, I’m so relieved you guys decided to go with this plan, since I went ahead and built everything already. Now let’s give these metalworkers two minutes to finish building the bare metal canister we’ll be flying in, then immediately jump inside and blast ourselves into space!

SCIENCE WIZARD

Er, couldn’t we maybe perform some tests before-

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

(slaps science wizard)

THERE’S NO ROOM FOR CAUTION IN SCIENCE!!!

They get loaded into the giant CANNON and fired at the MOON! Unfortunately the craft has no WINDOWS so they miss the invaluable discovery that the MOON is apparently a GIGANTIC ORGANISM with a FACE.

EXT. MOON

The SPACESHIP, which in just the previous shot was NEARLY A QUARTER THE SIZE OF THE ENTIRE MOON, is suddenly small enough to CRASHLAND inside a small MOON CAVE. The SCIENTISTS all spill out.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Hooray! We made it! And despite crashing straight into the moon without any means to decelerate, we didn’t die in a gory tableau of blood and twisted metal!

WIZARD SCIENTIST

I’m so happy, I’m not even concerned by the fact that our ship seems to have just blinked out of existence!

Half the landscape FALLS AWAY and FIRE erupts out of the ground.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Ulp, this place is dangerous! We should try to move to a more geologically stable area.

SCIENCE WIZARD

Suits us! We can’t wait to explore this place and make all kinds of new discoveries!

(pause)

Or we could just lie right down here on the fire-spewing ground and immediately go to sleep.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

What a sane course of action to follow!

They all LIE DOWN and CURL UP IN BLANKETS and FALL ASLEEP. Then some STARS with FACES appear, only to turn into some HALF-NAKED CHICKS and an OLD MAN sitting on MOONS and PLANETS.

HALF-NAKED CRESCENT-MOON LADY

TA-DAAA!! ...Wait, what the fuck? Old Dude in a Planet, do you see this? They’re asleep!

OLD DUDE IN A PLANET

Asleep? We go to all the trouble of greeting them with our incomprehensible dissolving-face-stars routine, and they’re not even awake for it?! Screw these guys, it’s snowing on them now! BAH!

The WEIRDOS make some SNOW then VANISH. The SCIENTISTS wake up.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Brrrr, this snow is way worse than earthquakes and plumes of fire! Better get out of here I guess.

They start exploring. Soon they find a FOREST of giant MUSHROOMS.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Cool! And check it out:

He puts his UMBRELLA in the ground and it too turns into a GIANT MUSHROOM. Then they get attacked by a bunch of BREAKDANCING LIZARD PEOPLE who disintegrate into SMOKE if you hit them.

SCIENCE WIZARD

...Well at least now we know exactly what kind of mushroom we seem to be dealing with.

The LIZARD PEOPLE take them to their KING.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Oh my God, there’s a whole intelligent culture on the moon! This is an historic event - mankind’s first contact with an alien race! How we handle this one meeting may determine the relationship between our peoples for generations to come, so-

He GRABS the LIZARD KING and SMASHES HIM DEAD ON THE FLOOR.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Yes, I think that was the ideal approach to take.

The SCIENTISTS flee the enraged LIZARD PEOPLE. They quickly reach a CLIFF where it just so happens that their SHIP has RANDOMLY REMATERIALIZED.

SCIENCE WIZARD

Okay, but we still have no cannon at this end, so seriously, how do we get home?

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Isn’t it obvious? The moon is up; the Earth is down. Therefore if we tip the ship off this cliff, the ship will go down to Earth. This is the reasoning we’re going with.

SCIENCE WIZARD

Eh, I guess that’s the single most logical thing in this entire movie.

They return to EARTH.

EXT. EARTH

There is a big crowd of PEOPLE to greet the victorious SPACEFARERS, and most of them appear to be on A LOT OF COCAINE! The SCIENTISTS are all given MEDALS in recognition of their achievement.

GEORGES MÉLIÈS

Thank you, everybody! And the best part is that all of us got medals! Everyone who played a part in this space adventure has been acknowledged, isn’t that great?

CHEWBACCA

(howls mournfully)

END.

This script was made possible thanks to the support of Patrons like Brad.

If you'd like to support the site, please check out our Patreon page where pledging can earn you access to an ad-free version of the site, early access to scripts, exclusive scripts, and other cool shit.


Discussion