FADE IN:

EXT. DESERT

TOMMY LEE JONES (V.O.)

Life is pointless, all things come to naught, the empty sand of this desert reflects the insurmountable distances between human souls. My father knew this. He was an old man. This is not his country anymore. Fucking kids these days.

INT. POLICE STATION

JAVIER BARDEM is being processed.

OFFICER

Alright, we've got fifty-three counts of murder, forty-five counts of theft, seven hundred and thirty-two counts of being scary as fuck, and thirteen counts of being unintelligible. Oh! And one count of possession, specifically possession of a whackass hairdo. You're going away for a long time, buddy.

JAVIER BARDEM

(activates plot armor)

JAVIER stands up from his chair because he was NOT RESTRAINED for SOME REASON, approaches the officer who is ALONE and NOT LOOKING AT HIM for SOME REASON, and begins STRANGLING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. He then steals a COP CAR, pulls over some RANDOM DUDE, KILLS said RANDOM DUDE, and takes HIS car.

JAVIER BARDEM

Best Grand Theft Auto movie ever.

EXT. MORE DESERT

Meanwhile, JOSH BROLIN is hunting deer in the LAWLESS WASTELAND that is the TEXAN DESERT.

JOSH BROLIN

Sure would be ironic if I turned out to be the hunted one later in this very same picture. Perhaps I shouldn't be tempting fate with such a convenient piece of foreshadowing. Eh, fuck it.

(shoots deer)

DEER

MY SOUL SHALL HAVE VENGEANCE!

Suddenly, JOSH stumbles upon the MEXICAN CAST of BREAKING BAD, each filled with JOHN WOO-amounts of BULLETS.

JOSH BROLIN

Looks like a drug deal gone bad. I should fuck right the hell off so I don't leave trace evidence at the scene and get arrested in connection to OOH MONEY!

JOSH finds a SUITCASE full of TEMPTATION MONEY! He takes it home to his wife, KELLY MACDONALD.

JOSH BROLIN

Honey, I'm hooome!

KELLY MACDONALD

You have fun killing deer, dear?

JOSH BROLIN

Sure did. Even found a suitcase full of drug money.

KELLY MACDONALD

Ha. That's silly. The man I married would never be stupid enough to steal a million bucks from a cartel.

JOSH BROLIN

Pfft, since when did cartels hold grudges? Beer me.

Later that night, JOSH goes back to the SCENE OF THE CRIME. He gets SPOTTED by SOME MORE MEXICANS!

JOSH BROLIN

As the protagonist of this movie, I'm sure I'll get away without a scratch on me.

He runs from the BAD GUYS and falls into a RIVER that suddenly appears out of NOWHERE! He ESCAPES without a SCRATCH ON HIM! He does, however, have several BULLET WOUNDS, DOG BITES, MICROFRACTURES, a MILD CONCUSSION, SEVERE DEHYDRATION, and a BIG FUCKING TARGET TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD that BAD GUYS can see from SPACE. But no SCRATCHES!

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE

JAVIER buys some GAS and NUTS from an OLD GUY.

OLD GUY

Will that be all, sir?

JAVIER BARDEM

Hmm, no. I'd also like a pack of cigs, a Lotto ticket, and a quick exploration of man's futile attempts to impose rational patterns upon the random chance with which the universe dictates our lives via a simple coin toss. Also some Thin Mints. I got a hankering.

OLD GUY

Crap. But why? Why are you giving me the old Two-Face treatment?

JAVIER BARDEM

My methods are inscrutable. I am merely the avatar of the universe's uncaring justice. I will not kill you unless the quarter says to.

OLD GUY

Yes, I'm sure you never kill anyone unless they lose a coin toss first. Except that cop and motorist from earlier.

JAVIER BARDEM

Uh, those were nihilism murders. This is a quarter murder. Go on. Guess.

OLD GUY

Heads.

JAVIER BARDEM

Bingo! Congratulations, old man. You may continue to exist in this pointless dimension for the brief duration before the rigors of aging take you.

(looks at floor, mumbles)

Also, I'd like a Barely Legal please.

OLD GUY

Jesus, the things these people will do to avoid getting judged by the clerk.

INT. JOSH'S HOUSE

JOSH BROLIN

Honey, I'm home again.

KELLY MACDONALD

It's nice to see you, dear. After you stumbled out of bed and wandered off last night, I was starting to worry. Why are you bleeding?

JOSH BROLIN

Hockey.

KELLY MACDONALD

Hockey?

JOSH BROLIN

Yup. I was playing some good old-fashioned midnight Texas desert hockey. Now honey, I need you to pack a bag and go to your mother's for a few days while I take care of something I can't tell you about.

KELLY MACDONALD

'Kay.

(fucks off for like 90% of the movie)

JOSH BROLIN

I am a good husband.

Meanwhile, sheriff TOMMY LEE JONES and his deputy GARRET DILLAHUNT are investigating the DRUG MURDERFEST.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Got a real Sam Peckinpah situation down here, sheriff. Someone went and killed more Mexicans than Hernan Cortez. You think this is connected to that Javier Bardem fella what's doing all them murders?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Might could be, son. But I doubt we'll ever solve that particular riddle. Police work is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Everyone drowns.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Yeah, but maybe we should put some of those tax dollars to work and actually do our jobs? Lift some prints, check for trace evidence, maybe take a bootprint or two, see if we can't see if anything's missing?

TOMMY LEE JONES

What's the point? Whether it's Javier Bardem or a falling piano, death comes to us all.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Yeah but-

TOMMY LEE JONES

(nihilism)

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Alright, then.

INT. MOTEL

In order to hide from the growing CONVENTION of people who want to KILL HIM, JOSH goes to the SAFEST PLACE in Texas, a SKEEZY ROADSIDE MOTEL.

MANAGER

That'll be fifty for the night, dearie. You bringin' a friend?

JOSH BROLIN

Just a sweet little lady called filthy lucre, ma'am. As a matter of fact, I'll take two rooms instead of one, on opposite sides of the motel, just in case someone comes looking for me at the first one and I need to drag my suitcase full of dough through the air vents connecting the two.

MANAGER

That makes far more sense than just burying the damn thing like a pirate, I guess. Or getting a safety deposit box at the bank where no one can touch it, like every other movie criminal ever.

JOSH chills in his MOTEL ROOM for a bit. Meanwhile, JAVIER drives around RANDOMLY in CIRCLES.

JAVIER BARDEM

This is taking too long.

(activates plot convenience)

Suddenly, his TRACKING DEVICE randomly begins DETECTING JOSH'S MONEY. He follows it to the MOTEL, and gets his BADASS SILENCED SHOTGUN and KICKASS AIRGUN that can BLAST LOCKS right out of the DOOR.

JAVIER BARDEM

The Mythbusters busted this on their show. I'll have to remember to give Adam and Jamie a good coin toss once all this is over.

He blows the LOCK out of the DOOR and finds MEXICANS inside!

JAVIER BARDEM

Hola.

MEXICANS

Hola.

JAVIER BARDEM

Que pasa?

MEXICANS

No mucho. Estamos a punto de morir?

JAVIER BARDEM

Si.

MEXICANS

Así es la vida.

JAVIER goes COUNTER-STRIKE on their ASSES using his SILENCED SHOTGUN which is still loud enough to be heard in CLEVELAND but somehow WAKES NO ONE UP.

JAVIER BARDEM

Jesus. More like "No Country For Mexicans", am I right? Now where's Joshy boy?

But JOSH's retarded TWO-MOTEL ROOM GAMBIT pays off! He drives away, money in tow!

JAVIER BARDEM

I guess I shouldn't have spent all my plot convenience tokens for the day on this one motel room. Oh well. I'll get you next time, Jonah Hex!

Meanwhile, GARRET and TOMMY go to JOSH's HOUSE.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Alright, sheriff. We got him now. There's signs of forced entry, a bottle of half-drunk milk on the table, probably tons of shit we can use to make a match. I propose we put out an APB on Javier immediately and-

TOMMY LEE JONES

Won't do no good.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Why in the goshdurn hell not?

TOMMY LEE JONES

(nihilism)

GARRET DILLAHUNT

No, don't give me any of that crap right now, sheriff. We got prints, we got DNA, we got-

TOMMY LEE JONES

We don't know what he looks like. Don't matter how much trace evidence we got if we can't find the guy.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

You mean to tell me the cops who arrested Javier at the beginning didn't take a snapshot of him during processing? Or at least leave a physical description of the guy?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Nope. Like I keep saying, police work is pointless. If he had some clearly identifiable physical feature, such as a goofy Ringo Starr haircut, then maybe, MAYBE we'd have something to go on. As it stands, all we know about this guy is he drank some milk recently.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Well, let's at least take the bottle as evidence. It's probably covered in his fingerprints, maybe even saliva-

TOMMY LEE JONES

(drinks milk, nihilistically)

GARRET DILLAHUNT

I'm starting to buy into that fan theory that you're actually on Javier's side, just saying.

INT. SKYSCRAPER

WOODY HARRELSON goes to meet BUSINESS PERSON STEPHEN ROOT in some TALL OFFICE BUILDING.

STEPHEN ROOT

So. Rumor is you're some kind of detective. Perhaps even a "true" one. Is that correct?

WOODY HARRELSON

I'm been known to dabble.

STEPHEN ROOT

Then maybe you can find Javier Bardem for me and my shadowy organization?

WOODY HARRELSON

Not likely. The man has the uncanny ability to be fucking invincible and always be in exactly the right place at the right time.

STEPHEN ROOT

Then this meeting was completely pointless.

WOODY HARRELSON

Maybe not. I'm sure you and I will have interesting character arcs that will flesh out the universe of this Oscar-winning drama.

STEPHEN ROOT

We can only hope.

WOODY HARRELSON

Well, I'm off to do...something.

(leaves)

JAVIER BARDEM

(appearing on magic broomstick)

Sup.

STEPHEN ROOT

I hate this job.

(fucking shotgunned in the face)

INT. HOTEL

JOSH BROLIN

Okay. The motel was a bit of a miscalculation on my part. But now I'm in a hotel, which is much safer. Now, I should really investigate this suitcase full of money for the first time ever, maybe see if there's some sort of tracking device inside. Right after I take a shower, and a nap, and do some taxes, and work a bit on my novel.

JOSH eventually finds the TRACKING DEVICE.

JOSH BROLIN

Shit.

JAVIER BARDEM

(appearing out of TARDIS)

Yeah, you're screwed, buddy.

JOSH BROLIN

Maybe not! Have at you!

(activates protagonist armor)

JAVIER BARDEM

(activates plot armor)

Both men begin SHOTGUNNING the shit out of EACH OTHER, the HOTEL, the WINDOWS, a passing MOTORIST, some PARKED CARS, the AUDIENCE, and the entire surrounding COUNTRYSIDE.

JOSH BROLIN

(standing in center of a crater, covered in ash)

I'm alive!

(passes the fuck out)

INT. MEXICAN HOSPITAL

JOSH awakens to find WOODY sitting next to his bed.

WOODY HARRELSON

You're a tough man to track down. Well, actually, that's absolutely not true, I'm like the 28th person to track you down in this film. You should probably stop trying to run away from things.

JOSH BROLIN

Who are you?

WOODY HARRELSON

I don't really know. Some kind of hitman/detective who works with other shady figures for purposes that are never really explained. Anyway, I'm here to take that cash off your hands if you'll just tell me where you stashed it.

JOSH BROLIN

Fuck no. I earned that money. My actions have caused the deaths of like three innocent people at this point. I deserve a million dollars.

WOODY HARRELSON

Well, you better brace yourself for some more "The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly-Ass Hairdo", because Javier won't stop until he runs out of Plot Convenience tokens. I mean, we're talking about a Coen Brothers adaptation of a Cormac McCarthy book, "happy ending" is not in anyone's vocabulary right now.

JOSH BROLIN

Thanks for the advice. Now piss off. I'm a capable bad-ass who totally has his shit together.

(wanders out of the hospital in nothing but a gown)

WOODY HARRELSON

Poor fool. Doesn't realize how screwed he is.

JAVIER BARDEM

(appearing in puff of fire and brimstone)

Lotta that going around right now, Woody.

WOODY HARRELSON

Oh god, what are you going to do to me?

JAVIER BARDEM

(aiming shotgun)

Let's just say you're about to go where everyone knows your name.

INT. DINER

We take a break from all these RIP-ROARING, GENRE-DEFYING THRILLS to watch TOMMY have some BREAKFAST and fail more at being a COP.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Sheriff, this time we got something good. Bunch of Mexican boys wound up dead in a motel, door lock was punched out, same as at Josh's place. Javier's struck again. We should head over and investigate immediately, who knows what clues we're going to-

TOMMY LEE JONES

Nah.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

(sighs)

Why not?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Did I ever tell you about this newspaper story I read? A young couple ran an old folks home, ended up torturing and killing a lot of them and then collecting their pension checks. Kids these days have a kind of savagery we never saw back when I was young. I mean, statistically the past century has seen a marked decline in all kinds of violence, but still, my childhood was great and every other time period sucks.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

Okay. So, how about instead of being apathetic, lazy twats we get our asses in gear and you know what, fuck it, I'm gonna enjoy my fucking coffee for once.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Now you're getting it.

GARRET DILLAHUNT

But can we at least go track down Josh's wayward wife and see if we can't offer some protection?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Ugh. Fine. After eggs.

The pair have a NIHILISTIC BREAKFAST together.

EXT. BUMFUCK NOWHERE, TEXAS

While her husband is off having ADVENTURES, KELLY is escorting her WHINY MOM around TEXAS.

BETH GRANT

Ugh, this is horrible. I knew it, ever since I saw Oldboy. This whole marriage was bound to lead to weird bullshit I'd have to deal with. Josh ain't no good for you honey.

KELLY MACDONALD

Oh, you just don't know him like I do, Mom. Sure he disappears for hours, sometimes days at a time, he's emotionally distant, he drinks, he lives in a trailer and doesn't tell me nothing, and sometimes he stumbles home wounded demanding I take my mother into hiding for reasons he won't explain, but on the inside he's a prime catch.

BETH GRANT

I have breast cancer.

KELLY MACDONALD

'Kay.

(pause)

Did we accidentally drop into a scene from Tommy Wiseau's The Room?

While KELLY unloads their luggage from the taxi, KELLY'S MOM chats with a RANDOM MEXICAN GUY.

BETH GRANT

I get that we're supposed to be all incognito right now but I just HAVE to whine to somebody. Habla ingles?

MEXICAN GUY

Si, senora. Please share with me your woes. Locations, times, names, shoe sizes, I'm here to hear it all.

BETH GRANT

Well, my deadbeat son-in-law, Josh Brolin, who lives in some janky trailer outside Lubbock, found a mysterious parcel and then demanded me and my daughter go to El Paso, which is where are heading now.

MEXICAN GUY

I see. And this Josh is-

BETH GRANT

Probably hiding out somewhere near the Mexican border, perhaps at the GPS coordinates 31.806-by-106.583 or some such. He tends to stay in shitty hotels and wears a size ten boot. Would you like his DNA sample as well?

MEXICAN GUY

(messaging every bandito in Mexico)

Yes, thank you.

EXT. HOTEL

Meanwhile, JOSH is heading to YET ANOTHER MOTEL.

JOSH BROLIN

Okay, THIS time I'm set. I made it back over the border, I've got the money, I ditched the tracking device, and Javier's nowhere to be seen. It's been a rough time, but I think I've finally got this handled. Positivity really does pay off! Goonies never say-

(dies)

The MEXICANS who KILLED JOSH drive away just as TOMMY shows up!

TOMMY LEE JONES

I suppose I could give pursuit or try to spot a license plate or something. But on the other hand...

(nihilism)

TOMMY goes to comfort the newly widowed KELLY.

TOMMY LEE JONES

I'm sorry your husband got gunned down offscreen, Kelly. He was a good man, he deserved an onscreen death at the very least.

KELLY MACDONALD

It's okay. It runs in the family. My mom just died offscreen, too.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Weird. It's times like these I try to remember that nothing matters and everything is not okay.

KELLY MACDONALD

Good talk.

KELLY goes home.

KELLY MACDONALD

Well this sucks.

JAVIER BARDEM

(appearing in a ring of salt)

Tell me about it.

KELLY MACDONALD

Shit. I'm guessing you're here to do the whole shotgunny thing, aren't you?

JAVIER BARDEM

Yeppers. I gave your husband a choice, give me the money and I'd let you live. Well, he didn't, so I now I have to make your face into a shotgunned face.

KELLY MACDONALD

Why? He's dead. Who cares what you promised him?

JAVIER BARDEM

I never break a contract. Except for Stephen Root, he hired me but, I don't know, fuck that guy. Also I didn't get the money. Man, whoever I actually work for is going to be pissed.

KELLY MACDONALD

Well you might as well get it over with. My husband's dead, my mom's dead, Boardwalk Empire is cancelled, it's not like I have anything else going on.

JAVIER BARDEM

Hmm. How about we drag this out with another coin toss?

KELLY MACDONALD

No. Fuck that. Take your Harvey Dent bullshit somewhere else.

JAVIER BARDEM

Pleeeease guess the coin.

KELLY MACDONALD

No.

JAVIER BARDEM

Pleeeeease.

KELLY MACDONALD

No.

JAVIER BARDEM

Did I hear "heads"?

KELLY MACDONALD

No. Why would you-

JAVIER BARDEM

(doing the usual thing)

WRONG! HAHAHAHAHA NIHILISM BITCHES!

Having killed an UNARMED WIDOW for NO REASON like the BADASS ASSASSIN HE IS, JAVIER drives away.

JAVIER BARDEM

Well, I've severely depopulated Texas and I didn't even accomplish the thing I set out to do. I'm not even going to be able to afford a new perm. But as long as I just stay positive, I'm sure everything will-

KARMA

(driving drunk)

OH SHIT!

JAVIER gets BLINDSIDED! He stumbles out of the WRECKAGE.

RANDOM KID

Gee willikers, mister. I don't even know how that happened, the speed limit around here's like 20 and that car was going approximately warp speed.

JAVIER BARDEM

Shit. I shouldn't have spent all my Plot Convenience tokens. Maybe poetic justice has found me at last. Or maybe this is just another random act of pointlessness the universe doles out willy-nilly that just sort of smells like an end to my character arc.

RANDOM KID

Or maybe Cormac McCarthy just ran out of paper for the hipster-ass typewriter he still writes everything on and he needed to doodle an ending into the margins with felt-tipped pen.

JAVIER BARDEM

Fucking kids these days. Here, take one hundred Corruption Bucks and don't tell the cops you saw me.

RANDOM KID

(instantly corrupted)

Sweet!

INT. TOMMY'S HOUSE

As a final act of GENRE-DEFYING ICONOCLASM, the COEN BROTHERS decide to let their POLICE OFFICER CHARACTER actually MAKE IT TO RETIREMENT. We join TOMMY having breakfast with his WIFE.

TOMMY'S WIFE

How you feeling, honey?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Old and useless.

TOMMY'S WIFE

That's understandable. You were a pretty crap sheriff, and now you're not even that.

TOMMY LEE JONES

I had a dream last night. My father rode past me on a mountain pass, carrying a horn of fire into the darkness. I knew that someday I would join him, carrying that tiny flame in all that black, because sometimes in life all you have are moralistic and opaquely metaphorical night terrors to give your existence meaning.

TOMMY'S WIFE

That's nice dear. Now eat your eggs and lighten the fuck up.

END