Daniel was delighted by both the impressive size and elaborate design of his birthday cake.

PHANTOM THREAD

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DANIEL DAY-LEWIS’S HOME/DRESSMAKING STUDIO/PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE CHAMBER

Gifted dressmaker DANIEL DAY-LEWIS and his sister LESLEY MANVILLE sit to an eerily still breakfast, while at the same table CAMILLA RUTHERFORD trembles miserably and tries with all that remains of her soul not to do anything to cause DANIEL to have a TODDLER TANTRUM.

CAMILLA RUTHERFORD

(exhales)

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

OH MY FUCKING GOD, why don’t you just shit on my toast already? That’s it, breakfast is ruined, my sense of peace and balance is lost forever, my life is over! I hope you’re happy.

CAMILLA RUTHERFORD

I can’t take this anymore! Why have you turned into such an asshole, Daniel? I used to be able to delude myself into thinking you loved me!

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Oh please. This is a Daniel Day-Lewis performance. And a Paul Thomas Anderson movie. Of COURSE any surface charm I may display is simply masking an infinite well of neurosis and internal torment.

CAMILLA RUTHERFORD

Yeah well, fuck this noise.

(leaves)

LESLEY MANVILLE

Oh well, another one bites the dust. Anyway Daniel, you seem slightly more keyed up than usual, you should take a vacation.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

By which you mean I should go find another temporary muse to sacrifice to my dressmaking genius?

LESLEY MANVILLE

See if you can get a blonde this time.

INT. HOTEL

While on VACATION, DANIEL orders breakfast from WAITRESS VICKI KRIEPS.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

I will now order an extremely big and complicated meal, which I will make you memorize just for shits and giggles, then hit on you.

VICKI KRIEPS

While this would normally make you a nightmare customer and I would politely brush you off before discreetly spitting in your food, I will instead agree to a date because your inappropriate behavior was soooo fancy.

(pause)

Fancy and a LITTLE creepy.

DANIEL takes VICKI out to dinner.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Now, a little light banter to get to know each other! I’ll start: I always keep part of my dead mother about my person.

VICKI KRIEPS

Uh.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

(chuckles)

Don’t worry, it’s just hair! I have a lock of hair sewn into the lining of my jacket, so that I have her with me at all times.

VICKI KRIEPS

At all times? But... you also wear a bunch of other jackets...

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Presumably they all have my mother’s hair sewn into them. So I shaved her corpse, is that so weird?

(pause)

What if I made you a real nice dress, would that make up for every other thing I say and do?

He takes VICKI back to his place and starts MEASURING HER.

VICKI KRIEPS

Okay, this is a little weird for a first date, but I can dig it. I’m nearly naked, I stand still as you lightly touch my body all over, it’s actually pretty erotic-

LESLEY bursts in and starts SNIFFING VICKI like HANNIBAL LECTER.

LESLEY MANVILLE

No tits on this one, I see.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

I know, and she’s kinda gangly too. Weird elbows and sort of duck legs, y’know? Unusual for such a fatty.

VICKI KRIEPS

...Um, you guys have interacted with human beings before, right?

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS

Shh, dressmaker dummies don’t talk.

VICKI KRIEPS

All right then! This is the part where I storm out and never set eyes on you ever again, yes?

Instead she MOVES IN with DANIEL AND LESLEY.

VICKI KRIEPS

Ha ha ha okay, guess I’m an idiot then!

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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