FADE IN:

INT. HARVARD

TOM HANKS, mullet-less, swims laps.  He is approached by DAVID PASQUESI, some IMPORTANT CATHOLIC GUY.

DAVID PASQUESI

Professor Hanks, I presume.  The pope is dead and the four cardinals that are being considered to replace him have been kidnapped.  We need your help finding them.

TOM HANKS

Why would the Catholic Church want my help after they shat blood over The Da Vinci code?

DAVID PASQUESI

Well, you're so good with puzzles that-- wait, what do you mean Da Vinci Code?  Doesn't Angels & Demons take place before The Da Vinci Code?

TOM HANKS

Yes, but we've swapped the order on the assumption that the audience, while capable of tolerating endless amounts of historical mumbo jumbo, is easily confused by the notion of a prequel.

DAVID PASQUESI

Doesn't the fact that these stories can be told in any order illustrate how brainlessly plot-driven they are and how unimportant the actual characters are?

TOM HANKS

Sure does.  Speaking of which, the plot now requires that we travel to Vatican City, so let's get a move on.

EXT. VATICAN CITY

They go to VATICAN CITY and meet AYELET ZURER.

AYELET ZURER

Professor Hanks, some anti-matter was stolen from my research center.  I believe the thief plans on using it at an explosive, and since I'm in the movie at all it must somehow be related to the cardinal kidnapping.

TOM HANKS

Destroying the city with antimatter?  What is this shit, Star Trek?

AYELET ZURER

No, that's in the theater next door.  The one that everyone is in instead of the one showing this movie.

TOM HANKS looks up ILLUMINATI in the encyclopedia in the VATICAN'S SUPER SECRET LIBRARY.

TOM HANKS

Hmm, the word Illuminati first appears on page three of this book.  Three... the third ninja turtle mentioned in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song is Raphael... the first cardinal must be in Raphael's tomb!

They hurry to RAPHAEL'S TOMB, but they are too late.  One of the CARDINALS has been killed with EARTH.

AYELET ZURER

We've arrived way too late.  Now what?

TOM HANKS

We'll find clues that allow us to find the remaining cardinals in increasing proximity to the time of their deaths until we just barely save the last one. Assuming this movie is an unoriginal piece of shit, of course.

AYELET ZURER

Well this movie is written by the same guy that wrote "I, Robot" so I think we're good.

TOM HANKS

Let's see here...  we're in a tomb.  Tomb... like Tombstone pizza, which is circular.  Circular is the opposite of square.. of course!  To Saint Peter's Square!

They arrive just slightly too late as another CARDINAL is killed using AIR.  Or rather, the lack of AIR.

AYELET ZURER

So this movie is pretty much The Da Vinci code without all of that dumb old interesting puzzle solving and code cracking.

TOM HANKS

Don't worry, we may not have the intrigue of the last movie but at least we're still sticking it to the Catholic Church!

CATHOLIC LEAGUE PRESIDENT BILL DONOHUE

Actually we were orginally planning to protest it but after it was released we decided it was so forgettable that we just didn't bother.

(pause)

I mean, you guys released it against Star Trek, and that movie was the tits.

AYELET ZURER

Jesus, we can't even offend the Catholic Church?  Those guys protest condoms!

TOM HANKS

Condoms... condoms are sometimes called johnnies... John James was the architect that rebuilt St. Mary's Church... of course, the third cardinal is in a church!

AYELET ZURER

WHY THE HELL IS THIS WORKING!?

TOM finds the THIRD CARDINAL as he is being murdered with FIRE.  TOM tries to free the CARDINAL but fails because he's just some prissy book-reading NERD.  The THIRD CARDINAL goes ahead and DIES.

TOM HANKS

Damn!  We must get to the fourth cardinal, it's the only chance we have of finding the antimatter!

AYELET ZURER

Wait let me try one.  Okay, so this guy was chained up... chains are often used for construction work... the fourth cardinal is at a construction site!

TOM HANKS

What?  Don't be stupid.  The fourth element is water, so he's in a fountain.

AYELET ZURER

God dammit.

They go to a FOUNTAIN and find the FOURTH CARDINAL, still ALIVE!  They rescue him.

TOM HANKS

Where were they holding you?

FOURTH CARDINAL

Back where you started, at the Vatican.  We were there the whole time.

TOM HANKS

...

AYELET ZURER

What in the holy living FUCK?!

They go back to the VATICAN and look for the ANTIMATTER.

AYELET ZURER

Alright, I give up.  What dumbass clue are you going to use to figure out where the antimatter is?

TOM HANKS

I'm just going to follow this arrow.  Literally, there's an arrow pointing at it.

AYELET ZURER

Did someone misplace a few pages of the script or something? Anyway, we've located the antimatter.  But because of some bunch of nonsense, it's going to explode anyway.

VATICAN PRIEST EWAN MACGREGOR steals the antimatter and jumps into a helicopter so that he can lift the explosive to the ideal height for maximum casualties.

TOM HANKS

Wow, what a brave sacrifice he has made.

EWAN jumps out the helicopter and parachutes back down.

TOM HANKS

Oh, nevermind.  What a douche.

EWAN MACGREGOR

Look at what a hero I am!  Maybe I should be the new pope, eh?  Nah, I'm just joking!  But seriously, I should be, amirite?

TOM HANKS

Wait a minute... an actor that's way too good for this throwaway movie... you're this movie's Ian McKellen!  You must be the surprise villian!

EWAN MACGREGOR

Curse you, Tom Hanks!  Yes, I orchestrated this entire thing!  Antimatter is blasphemous because a few people call it the 'god particle!"

TOM HANKS

That's your justification?  Do you go around killing psychologists that diagnose people with a "god complex" or burning cemeteries that are sometimes called 'god acres'?

EWAN MACGREGOR

Really I should kill us both for being in this movie since it's godawful.

Some OTHER GUY is elected POPE, which is somehow supposed to matter enough to be the happy ending to the movie.

END