FADE IN:

Since the start of the movie is BORING we get a SPOILER SCENE of SHIT HAPPENING TO CHRIS PRATT IN THE FUTURE while we all patiently wait for the movie to actually START.

INT. CHRIS PRATT'S SUBURBAN HOUSE - CHRISTMAS

CHRIS PRATT'S HOUSE is JAMMED THE FUCK FULL OF UNMASKED, NON-DISTANCING PEOPLE so the movie already feels APOCALYPTIC. We are introduced to his wife BETTY GILPIN and his daughter RYAN KIERA ARMSTRONG while CHRIS takes a call from PERSONAL VALIDATION CORP. INC.

RECRUITER

(on phone)

Sorry Chris, you didn't get the job. It's just that you're ex-military and the private sector HATES that. Plus you have unresolved daddy issues and have to discover that what really matters was RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU ALL ALONG, and besides you're like the seventh best Chris now and fuck you bye.

(hangs up)

CHRIS PRATT

Dammit! Now I'll need some kind of global catastrophe to complete my journey to self-worth.

RYAN KIERA ARMSTRONG

It's okay Dad! Come watch the World Cup Finals with me.

BETTY GILPIN

It's a good thing we set this during a Christmas party, so that the audience can accept the idea of a house packed full of Americans watching the World Cup! I mean, aliens and time travel is ONE thing, but-

However the CUP FINAL is interrupted as a TIME VORTEX opens RIGHT ON THE FIELD OF PLAY and an entire squadron of FUTURE SOLDIERS led by JASMINE MATHEWS emerge from it!

SOCCER PLAYER

Come on those guys are CLEARLY offside.

(throws up hands)

(falls to ground)

(writhes)

JASMINE MATHEWS

(instantly hacking into stadium speakers, somehow)

Attention Earth! We have travelled back in time from 28 years later, when humanity is being wiped out by scary aliens and not British rage zombies like you might expect!

REFEREE

And you're going to tell us all about these aliens, so Earth can be fully prepped and ready for when they show up? I mean with a 28-year head start surely we can-

JASMINE MATHEWS

NOPE NOPE NOPE we need to take people from THIS time into the future, so they can be untrained, unprepared, barely equipped, and die uselessly.

ENTIRE WORLD

(shrugs, accepts it)

THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE get recruited to fight in the FUTURE, including CHEFS and OFFICE WORKERS and SESSION MUSICIANS but NOT CHRIS PRATT, who may be former SPECIAL RECON SQUAD LEADER BERET SPECIAL RANGER FORCE but he also has a SCRATCH ON HIS KNEE so FUCK YOU CHRIS PRATT WHAT GOOD ARE YOU.

INT. REGULAR HIGH SCHOOL

CHRIS teaches his high school science class.

CHRIS PRATT

I know you guys are bummed because it seems everything is doomed. But learning science also helps the future!

STUDENT

Hasn't the timeline already changed though? Besides us now knowing the future, all the people who left and didn't come back will have fucked everything even further! I mean, are the people who jump ahead even helping OUR future at all, or the original timeline? Or is each jump going to a different timeline than all the others, because

CHRIS PRATT

OH HEY JUST GOT A TEXT I'M FINALLY DRAFTED BYYYYEEEEEE

INT. FUTURE MILITARY PROCESSING

CHRIS reports to processing and gets strapped into a MACHINE.

CHRIS PRATT

So I guess you're looking for muscular torso guys who can quip, eh? Well I got those covered, check out these quips. And there's more quips where THOSE came from!

FUTURE OFFICER FELISHA TERRELL

This machine will use your genetic code to search paper records in the future, because in the future we lack the advanced technology to look things up that already happened.

The machine finds CHRIS'S FUTURE DEATH CERTIFICATE!

FUTURE OFFICER GISSETTE VALENTIN

Excellent, you have seven years to live and therefore qualify for the Future Army. Strangely we didn't find any record of your DAUGHTER, and don't know who your DAUGHTER is, but why would that affect anything, ha ha. Congratulations!

The machine attaches a FUTUISTIC METAL ARM SHEATH THINGIE to CHRIS!

FELISHA TERRELL

This sheath will get you to the future, bring you back, and can track you anywhere on Earth. It also has Bluetooth and Steam functionality, still working on getting Disney Plus.

GISSETTE VALENTIN

You have 24 hours to set up any remaining plotlines, then report back here. Any attempt to remove the device will result in immediate imprisonment, so I hope you gave that arm a good wash this morning.

INT. CHRIS'S HOUSE

CHRIS returns home and delivers the SHITTY NEWS.

BETTY GILPIN

This sucks. We gotta run, Chris. We must refuse this call to adventure!

CHRIS PRATT

Betty, we all know the premise of the movie is that I go to the future. We started off with a sneak preview of ME IN THE FUTURE. Why would we waste even more time with pointless-

(remembers)

-oh right, plotlines! Gotta introduce J.K. Simmons. Well I'm off!

INT. J.K. SIMMONS'S EDGY ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT AIRPLANE HANGAR FULL OF NARRATIVELY CONVENIENT AIRCRAFT

CHRIS grudgingly arrives and sullenly finds his estranged Dad J.K. SIMMONS using an ASSAULT RIFLE to mix DIESEL FUEL into his WHISKEY while driving a SHERMAN TANK with his DICK.

J.K. SIMMONS

If it isn't my useless non-toxic dishrag of a son. What do you need from me, is it my weapons skills? Piloting skills? Combat skills?

CHRIS PRATT

This time I need your god-level hacking and engineering skills.

(shows sheath)

J.K. SIMMONS

My gosh I sure have a lot of skills. Hope they come in handy later. Anyway let me see that, I'm sure I can deactivate it no problem. Then you can run away and draft-dodge to your heart's content...

CHRIS PRATT

NO WAY ASSHOLE I'M NOT GONNA RUN AWAY LIKE YOU RAN AWAY FROM OUR FAMILY EVEN THOUGH MY FAMILY WANTS TO RUN WITH ME SO IT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME SITUATION BUT FUCK YOU

(storms off)

INT. BOOT CAMP

CHRIS reports for duty and meets fellow draftees EDWIN HODGE, SAM RICHARDSON, MARY LYNN RAJSKUB, and MIKE MITCHELL.

EDWIN HODGE

I've done three successful future jumps already and wear an alien claw around my neck, which is why Chris will be the one in charge.

SAM RICHARDSON

Of the mission, sure. But I'll be in charge of the comic relief from now on!

(grins to camera)

MARY LYNN RAJSKUB

I've got a bad feeling I won't last more than 24 hours out there.

(winks)

MIKE MITCHELL

I am big.

JASMINE MATHEWS

Now for more futile attempts to justify the premise. In the future we built a time bridge, but the length of the jump is fixed, always exactly 28 years. So we're running on San Dimas Time.

CHRIS PRATT

Okay, I can buy that. And there's no way to improve-

JASMINE MATHEWS

In the future we're too busy being at war and have too few resources to make more time bridges or make them better.

SAM RICHARDSON

Could you send blueprints to OUR time full of resources and lack of war, so that WE could make a better, more flexible time bridge?

JASMINE MATHEWS

We cannot. Now, your arm sheaths will teleport you to the future and bring you back EXACTLY seven days later, the programming was based off an old VHS copy of The Ring. You'll be going soon so it's time for some really intense training!

CHRIS PRATT

Have you considered training some of us just a liiiitle longer and sending them with the next wave?

JASMINE MATHEWS

We have not because HOLY SHIT EMERGENCY ALARM YOU GOTTA GO NOW!! WE WASTED TOO MUCH TIME FUCKING AROUND BEFORE GETTING THE PROPER ACTION STARTED, PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO EXIT AND TRY THE TOM CLANCY MOVIE INSTEAD

EDWIN HODGE

WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT, THAT MOVIE IS EVEN MORE A WASTE OF TIME THAN THIS PIECE OF CRAP, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ITS NAME

MARY LYNN RAJSKUB

NOBODY DOES GODDAMMIT

ANNOUNCEMENT

ALL TRAINEES ASSUME SPECIAL LANDING POSITION! NOW PREPARE TO GET SUCKED UPWARDS BY A FORCE FIELD THUS RENDERING YOUR SPECIAL LANDING POSITION TOTALLY FUCKING USELESS HAHAHAHA

CHRIS and the other SOLDIERS get ZOOPED AWAY to the SNEAK PREVIEW SCENE!!

EXT. THE FUTURE!

Due to a technical malfunction CHRIS & CO. are time-ported to a spot HIGH IN THE AIR above the city! Most of the squad go SPLAT and DIE, but luckily CHRIS and everyone we've met so far land in a ROOFTOP SWIMMING POOL.

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

(over radio, casually)

Come in, come in team. Status report. I see a bunch of you died, no biggie. Oh by the way did any of you have a young daughter interested in science 28 years ago, just idly curious.

CHRIS PRATT

Hey I did, that's me! Guess I'm in charge then.

EDWIN HODGE

(shrugs)

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

I need you to get all the way down this huge building and over to a research lab and find some crucial vials, without getting eaten by aliens.

CHRIS PRATT

(grimly)

Okay.

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

Oh and to make it extra interesting, fighter jets are gonna bomb the fuck out of you in like ten minutes.

CHRIS PRATT

Er.

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

OOH OOH also, two of you have to do ALL your kitchen prep with sand castle tools! Plus Sam can only speak in song titles, and-

CHRIS PRATT

Let's move out.

The squad manage to reach the RESEARCH LAB and grab the VIALS, but pause at the top of a VERY VERY LONG STAIRWELL!

CHRIS PRATT

I think the aliens might be close. Everyone go reeeeaaaal sllloooww.

(inches forward)

SAM RICHARDSON

...How many seconds left until those jets bomb us to fuck?

CHRIS PRATT

I dunno, twenty? Twenty-three?

(gradually shifts weight)

Before our heroes can gradually creep farther they're BESEIGED BY ALIENS OH SHHIIIIT!

SAM RICHARDSON

Shit! Shit shit shit! I recommend turning on captions for this part, by the way, it's fun. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!

EDWIN HODGE

Remember your training, they only have two weak spots! Or fuck it just fire wildly at them, you'll probably hit a weak spot eventually.

They RACE OUTSIDE while FRAGGING ALIENS! CHRIS makes everyone stop to save SAM, which only costs them MARY LYNN and MIKE MITCHELL, but really the salary cap room ALONE is worth the trade so it's all good.

FIGHTER JETS

HOPE YOU GUYS GOT THOSE CRUCIAL VIALS THAT'LL SAVE EVERYONE

(bomb the fuck out of everything)

NOTHING MUST STOP YOU FROM GETTING THOSE FRAGILE, EASILY SHATTERED VIALS

(fire rockets)

EXT. MILITARY COMPOUND

CHRIS wakes up in a medical staging area!

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

Glad to see you're okay or whatever. In case absolutely everyone hasn't guessed yet, I'm YOUR DAUGHTER WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

CHRIS PRATT

My daughter... who grew up in the original, no-aliens timeline? Did you just erase your own past? Because the daughter I left behind is gonna grow up into a whole different person now.

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

CHRIS PRATT

And even if we save this timeline, will the timeline I left have to fight their own alien invasion but with way fewer people to start with, and be even more fucked?

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

-AAAAAAAAAAAT yeah none of us have thought about any of that. Anyway I have a new mission, come on!

They pile into a HELICOPTER!

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

We've developed a special toxin that kills all the male aliens, which would seem to be a huge breakthrough but for some reason isn't. And besides, the masculinity toxin does jack shit against the females and if you've seen Aliens, you know taking out the queen is the key. So we're gonna go capture one!

CHRIS PRATT

Sounds good. So, er, how did I die in the original timeline?

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

Basically you died of being a shitty father and husband who DIDN'T SEE WHAT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM AND DIDN'T REALIZE HE HAD WHAT HE WAS SEARCHING FOR ALL ALONG and getting smooshed by a truck.

CHRIS PRATT

(nods)

Hmm.

The CHOPPER arrives at where the ALIEN QUEEN is busy creating a TICKER TROOP PARADE by ripping up TROOPS into so much CONFETTI all STARSHIP TROOPERS STYLE. However YVONNE and CHRIS kind of BOUNCE AROUND IT and CIRQUE DU SOLEIL the QUEEN into a METAL CAGE.

CHRIS PRATT

Nice! Now you can get a bunch of samples to take back to your secret lab.

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

Don't be silly, we're going to take the entire Alien Queen back to the secret lab, right next to our one and only time machine on which everything depends!

(cheerful grin)

CHRIS PRATT

(thumbs up)

INT. TOP SECRET TIME TRAVEL BASE

CHRIS and YVONNE take the ALIEN QUEEN to the offshore TIME TRAVEL HQ SLASH ALIEN RESEARCH FACILITY, FUCK IT LET'S PUT THE ETERNAL FLAME AND SURTUR'S CROWN IN THERE TOO WHY NOT, JUST GONNA STASH THESE GREMLINS UNDER THE WATER COOLER DON'T MIND ME

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

With so many people dead I'm wearing a lot of hats. For example, in addition to President of Earth I'm also our military commander, lead researcher, and top milliner, on account of all the hats you see.

CHRIS PRATT

Ha ha, take that, other Dads! Fuck all y'all! Right then, how do we make a Queen-killing virus?

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

Basically we stare at this computer and watch it beep percentages at us until it works. If you thought THIS movie was going to make lab work exciting, you bet on the wrong fucking pony.

CHRIS PRATT

I guess I can distract myself by looking at the enormous chained-up alien queen we've put RIGHT OVER THERE. What's that smell by the way?

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

That? Oh just pheromones the Queen secretes that the males can detect from 500 miles away, which she can use to order a full-scale attack on us. But it's nothing to worry about OH SHIT WE'RE UNDER FULL-SCALE ATTACK HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN

Indeed, the ENTIRE BASE is OVERRUN WITH ALIENS just as the COMPUTER BEEPS that the ULTRA-TOXIN has been found! YVONNE and CHRIS grab the TOXIN and frantically run about as ALIENS fuck everything up!

CHRIS PRATT

Oh hey it's been almost exactly seven days, I'm about to get pulled back to the past. What dramatic timing!

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

Quick, take the one vial of toxin! Have it mass-produced and then return here so we can finally win!

CHRIS PRATT

Bring it back?! But even if the aliens weren't demolishing your only time machine at this very moment, what about using it in the past to-

YVONNE STRAHOVSKI

TOO SOON FOR THAT IDEA CHRIS, MUST FOCUS ON FALLING DRAMATICALLY TO MY DEATH

CHRIS PRATT

I MUST LUNGE AFTER YOU USELESSLY, THOUGH IT IS A NEAT TABLEAU YOU GOTTA ADMIT

(vanishes!)

EXT. BACK IN OUR TIME

CHRIS reappears in the present surrounded by the dozens of future soldiers sent to find any way of stopping the alien menace.

JASMINE MATHEWS

Oh shit the time bridge is lost! There's no way to save the alternate timeline we won't even connect to now and which might just vanish Back-to-the-Future style anyway! And when the aliens invade in OUR timeline we're hopelessly doomed!

CHRIS PRATT

Um yeah, so this toxin instantly destroys all the aliens and is key to the survival of humanity, maybe we could

EVERYBODY

WOW CHRIS WHOOPDEE FUCK WHO FUCKING CARES

(fuck off)

Dejected, CHRIS takes the ultra-alien-killing toxin back to his shitty high school teacher job.

INT. CHRIS'S SCIENCE CLASS

CHRIS attempts to teach his EVEN MORE bummed-out science class.

CHRIS PRATT

Sigh. I guess all we can do is wait for the inevitable alien invasion that will kill us all. Anyhoo today's assignment is trying to find any use for my ultra-alien-killing toxin that every government on Earth gives zero shits about.

HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT

Hi, I've just figured out the aliens are currently buried under Russian ice and you can use the toxin to murder them all before the war ever starts.

CHRIS PRATT

Wow! What a critical theory for defeating the alien race! Lucky for us the American educational system encourages such innovative thinking and breadth of perspective, especially Texas.

(waves flag)

Truly, nobody else could ever have figured this out!

ENTIRE STAFF OF EVERY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FACILITY ON EARTH

(jammed entirely up own asses)

EXT. RUSSIA - WIDE OPEN EXPANSE OF DESOLATE ICE AND SNOW AND YES I ALREADY SAID "RUSSIA" BUT JUST WANTED TO BE EXTRA CLEAR

CHRIS gathers together a RAG-TAG SQUAD that includes SAM and JASMINE and also J.K. SIMMONS who flies them all deep into RUSSIAN TERRITORY using his EXTREME 'TUDE.

CHRIS PRATT

Let's do a grid search! Which will be all of us ski-dooing side-by-side because I do not know what a grid is.

They find an ANOMALY and JASMINE uses an ICE-EXPLOSION SPELL to reveal an ALIEN SPACESHIP!

SAM RICHARDSON

Wow, there it is! There's our proof! Now we can get the world governments to make tons of the alien-killing toxin, and send hundreds of troops to wipe these fuckers out, long before they ever wake up.

CHRIS PRATT

Yes, OR, the handful of us can try to deal with this right now, which has the advantages of being reckless and foolhardy and possibly dooming Earth.

JASMINE MATHEWS

Besides, we somehow magically created a bunch more toxin ourselves, we've got like two or three dozen vials! That should easily take care of whatever we find.

They sneak inside and use the TOXIN to quickly vaporize like THIRTEEN ALIENS!

CHRIS PRATT

This is going great. Now let's just check around this corner to see WHOOPSIE IT'S THOUSANDS OF MORE ALIENS FUUUUUCK

SAM RICHARDSON

How could we possibly have known?! It's not like the ship looks huge from the outside, oh wait yes it does.

They are ATTACKED and the SQUAD starts getting KILLED OFF SOMETHING FIERCE!

JASMINE MATHEWS

Time for Plan B where we blow up the whole fucking ship with the crate of explosives we brought, and never had to come in here at all! Wait, why wasn't that Plan A?

They manage to DESTROY THE SHIP but a single QUEEN gets away! Or at least tries to, before being faced with-

J.K. SIMMONS

Hold it right there! Maybe a single Alien Queen was curbstomping waves of trained soldiers earlier in the movie, but NOW you're facing THREE RANDOM DUDES! And I'm pushing 70!

CHRIS, J.K., and SAM have a big knock-down ALLEYWAY FIGHT with the ALIEN QUEEN on the snowy Russian terrain, until finally CHRIS drops a FIRE ESCAPE LADDER on the QUEEN'S HEAD and kicks her into a DUMPSTER.

CHRIS PRATT

Yay, we won, and saved all living beings on Earth! But more importantly, I learned that what REALLY mattered was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ALL... oh wait a sec.

CHRIS flies home and hugs BETTY GILPIN and RYAN KIERA ARMSTRONG.

CHRIS PRATT

There we go... RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ALL ALONG. Yep. Hey Betty, no fair standing off to the side.

(turns to face Betty)

Oh shit, now J.K. doesn't matter. Um, could everyone get in a line over here please?

END