FADE IN:

EXT. UNDERNEATH A HOVERING SPACESHIP THAT’S THE SIZE OF A CITY BUT SOMEHOW DOES NOT EVER CAST A SHADOW ON ANYTHING

A series of INTERVIEWS is spliced together in DOCUMENTARY STYLE.

A SCIENTIST

This huge spaceship filled with aliens…

A JOURNALIST

…just kind of showed up one day…

A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL

…and so we stuck all the aliens in a slum…

A PRIEST

…and left them there without food, medicine, jobs, education, or hope…

A RABBI

…because no one saw anything wrong with that.

A MAN CARRYING A DUCK

After all, they’re not really PEOPLE like you and me. Oh, and in case you don’t get it yet, this is all taking place in Johannesburg.

(pause)

As in SOUTH AFRICA.

(pause)

Just like APARTHEID.

(shouting)

DO YOU GET IT YET?!

INT. GENERIC OFFICE BUILDING

CUBICLES as far as the EYE can SEE.

LOUIS MINNAAR

Yeah… so the winner of our “Most Boring Company Name Ever” contest is, uhh… Multinational United so I’m gonna have to go ahead and ask you to, you know, start using that name on all your TPS Reports.

(pause)

Oh, and I’m promoting my son-in-law Sharlto to head up the alien eviction program.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Yippee! I can’t wait to tell my wife whom I love with all my heart! I have so much to live for!

(turning to documentary cameras)

Starting today, we’re illegally evicting all the aliens who live in District 9 and shipping them to the even shittier District 10.

DIRECTOR/CO-SCREENWRITER NEILL BLOMKAMP

See, I told you that’d be so much easier than trying to work all these details into the dialogue.

EXT. DISTRICT 9

The eviction BEGINS, and Multinational United brings its entire MERCENARY ARMY along for the ride.

SHARLTO COPLEY

All right, what’s the most callous and evil thing you can think of to do to these aliens?

MANDLA GADUKA

Set fire to their babies while we make jokes about abortion?

They DO.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Okay, that should establish how thoroughly we’ve dehumanized these aliens. Now let’s send these bastards to District 10.

MANDLA GADUKA

Is that the one Katniss and Peeta are from?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Hey, we were using the whole district thing way before Hunger Games made it cool!

MANDLA GADUKA

Great, you're not just an asshole bureaucrat but a hipster one, too.

Meanwhile, in an alien house.

DADDY ALIEN

Clickity-click!

(subtitles)

After twenty years, I’ve finally collected enough of this miraculous superfluid to restart our mothership!

BABY ALIEN

Clickity-click!

(subtitles)

Subtitles, really? Fuck me. What is this, an art flick?

DADDY ALIEN

Clickity-click!

(subtitles)

Pay attention, kid! This fluid is the most spectacular substance in the universe. With it, we can return to our home planet!

BABY ALIEN

Wow, what’s it called?

DADDY ALIEN

Unobtainium.

BABY ALIEN

Wow, that’s some fucking lazy bullshit writing right there.

DADDY ALIEN

Would you rather we just call it “the fluid”?

BABY ALIEN

Yes, somehow that is actually better. Hey, should we be discussing all this in front of the documentary cameras?

DADDY ALIEN

Uh, I think we’ve abandoned that whole mock-umentary thing.

SHARLTO busts into the house with a full documentary crew.

BABY ALIEN

You were saying, dad?

DADDY ALIEN

Eh, just stop worrying about it. Neill Blomkamp clearly has.

SHARLTO COPLEY

(to documentary cameras)

Hey, look, that alien has a canister of fluid I’ve never seen before. Let me point it at my face.

THE ALIEN’S FLUID erupts into SHARLTO’S MOUTH, which is a LOT LESS DIRTY than it SOUNDS.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Well, I’m sure that’s nothing to worry about.

(coughing fit)

No sense in reporting it to anyone.

(vomits black oil)

I’m going to head home to the wife.

(several fingers and his left ear fall off)

INT. SHARLTO’S HOME

SHARLTO walks into a SURPRISE PARTY for his promotion.

VANESSA HAYWOOD

Are you okay, honey?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Of course! I love you so much! I’d never expose you to some unknown alien pathogen that’s literally making parts fall off my body!

SHARLTO collapses and gets HAULED OFF by MNU SECURITY.

INT. MNU SECRET LAB

SCIENTISTS discover SHARLTO’S ARM has mutated into an ALIEN ARM.

SCIENTIST

Hey, since only aliens can fire alien weaponry, I wonder if Sharlto can fire one of their super-guns now!

He CAN.

LOUIS MINNAAR

Cool. Let’s cut him up and use him for spare parts.

SCIENTIST

Dude, isn’t he your son-in-law? And wouldn’t it be easier just to hire the aliens as mercenaries and pay them in catfood?

LOUIS MINNEAR

Bah, next you’re going to say we should dissect one of these guns and retro-engineer it with a normal human trigger rather than wasting 20 years trying to use it as-is.

SCIENTIST

You’re right. That’s crazy-talk.

SHARLTO is strapped to a table WIDE AWAKE while SCIENTISTS begin to DISSECT HIM. For some reason, he does not TAKE KINDLY to this. Using his newfound ALIEN STRENGTH, he breaks free and ESCAPES!

SCIENTIST

(smacking his forehead)

Sedation! I knew I was forgetting something.

EXT. DISTRICT 9

SHARLTO, being HUNTED BY MNU SECURITY, takes refuge in the FIRST ALIEN HOUSE HE SEES.

DADDY ALIEN

It’s me again. Coincidence be damned.

SHARLTO COPLEY

You’ve got to help me! I’m turning into one of you!

DADDY ALIEN

The fluid! You must have ingested some!

SHARLTO COPLEY

Wait, the same fluid that powers your spaceship also transforms humans into alien?

DADDY ALIEN

Of course. Why wouldn’t it?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Because gasoline doesn’t turn people into brontosauruses.

DADDY ALIEN

Well, this one does, and it can also fix you back. Plus it eliminates soapy buildup and makes julienne fries.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Mmm, fries! Let’s blast our way into MNU headquarters and steal the fluid back!

DADDY ALIEN

You got it. Fortunately, there’s a crazy human warlord living in District 9 with a stockpile of alien weapons that he can’t even use.

SHARLTO COPLEY

And he never thought of the whole “hire alien mercenaries” thing either, huh?

INT. NIGERIAN WARLORD’S HUT

EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA is camped out with his GUNS and THUGS and PROSTITUTES.

EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA

Serious? We’re filming an allegory about the evils of apartheid and all the black people are criminals and scary as fuck?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Hey, we had a black guy back at MNU headquarters. He was nice.

DIRECTOR NEILL BLOMKAMP

Of course, he had the face of a six-year-old boy so as not to frighten the ladies.

EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA

Fine! If you wanna dive into scary black people stereotypes, let’s go all out. I’m a fucking cannibal witchdoctor who’s gonna eat your flesh to steal your power! Boogita-boogita!

EUGENE tries to chop off SHARLTO’s arm and EAT IT. But SHARLTO grabs an ALIEN SUPER-GUN and starts BLOWING PEOPLE AWAY.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Don't fuck with me! I'm a loose cannon on the edge!

DADDY ALIEN

It was bound to happen. I'm a family man who's getting too old for this shit, so there was really only direction for your character to go.

INT. DISTRICT 9: THE VIDEO GAME

Using alien weaponry, SHARLTO and DADDY ALIEN blast their way into MNU headquarters and down to the SECRET LAB. They find the FLUID and blast their way BACK OUT AGAIN.

INT. DADDY ALIEN’S HOUSE

BABY ALIEN

Yea, daddy’s home! Now we fly back to our home planet, right?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Right after you make me fully human again.

DADDY ALIEN

I’m sorry, Sharlto. After seeing all the evil experiments they’re doing in MNU’s secret lab, I can’t wait around to fix you before I fly home.

SHARLTO freaks the fuck out, bashes DADDY ALIEN with a crowbar, and steals his SHUTTLECRAFT. He tries to FLY to the MOTHERSHIP, but MNU MISSILES blow him out of the SKY.

SHARLTO COPLEY

I did not think that through.

MNU’s PRIVATE ARMY storms District 9 to capture SHARLTO! But EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA’s PRIVATE ARMY picks exactly THIS MOMENT to attack too! CHAOS ENSUES!

Meanwhile, BABY ALIEN is left ALONE in a CORNER of the crashed SHUTTLECRAFT.

BABY ALIEN

Nobody puts baby in the corner.

SHARLTO COPLEY

GROAN.

BABY ALIEN presses a BIG MAGIC BUTTON that wakes up the MOTHERSHIP and, let's say an ALIEN SUIT OF BATTLE ARMOR, why not? SHARLTO jumps in the ARMOR and inspires the movie IRON MAN.

ARMORED SHARLTO gets shot at by an MNU SOLDIER, then blows him into GOOEY LITTLE BITS that fly into the CAMERA.

DADDY ALIEN

Wow, that was awesome in a really gory kind of way.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Really?

ARMORED SHARLTO does the exact same thing SIXTEEN MORE TIMES!

SHARLTO COPLEY

Everybody tired of that yet?

DADDY ALIEN runs for the SHUTTLECRAFT, which is then tractor-beamed up to the MOTHERSHIP.

DADDY ALIEN

But what about all the humans up on the mothership?

SHARLTO COPLEY

The what?

DADDY ALIEN

It’s been 20 years. There should be like a million scientists living up there and pulling that thing apart by now.

SHARLTO COPLEY

We thought that would be rude.

DADDY ALIEN

Oh. Okay, then. I’ll be back for you, Sharlto! In, like, three years!

BABY ALIEN

I bet you say that to every human you leave your fluid inside.

The MOTHERSHIP flies away.

INT. DOCUMENTARY

A SCIENTIST

The mothership is gone, but the aliens keep reproducing…

A JOURNALIST

…at least humanity has learned our lesson…

A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL

…we would never do this to a human population ever, ever again.

A PALESTINIAN

Um, if I could just—

FULLY ALIEN SHARLTO

Clickity-click!

(subtitles)

Holy shit! No fucking way we’re going there. End the movie! End the movie!

END.