FADE IN:

INT. DANE DEHAAN'S ROOM

DANE sets up his VIDEO CAMERA facing a MIRROR.

DANE DEHAAN

Hey guess what, audience, we're going to do this whole movie in hand-held "found footage" style! Aren't you all so excited? Isn't that everyone's absolutely favourite device? Aren't we all so totally not sick of that and in no way ready to be completely done with it?

MICHAEL KELLY

(through door)

DANE IT'S ME YOUR EVIL DRUNK DAD! I HEAR YOU IN THERE, I'M GONNA BUST IN AND BEAT YOU UP!

DANE DEHAAN

No way, Dad, I have a video camera in here taping everything!

MICHAEL KELLY

(through door)

...so why don't I just beat you up and destroy your camera?

DANE DEHAAN

Because then the movie would be only two minutes long, and you wouldn't get the chance to showcase your Evil Drunk Dad method skills another three dozen times.

MICHAEL KELLY

I see.

(pause)

You win this round, son.

INT. ALEX RUSSELL'S CAR

ALEX RUSSELL is driving DANE to school.

DANE DEHAAN

Alex, could you exposit for the camera please.

ALEX RUSSELL

Okay, I'm your cousin and, unlike you, a well-liked jock pretty-boy. Also I was just reading about Schopenhauer's theories of how human will controls all phenomena and OOH I WONDER IF THAT TIES INTO THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE IN ANY WAY?!!??

EXT. SCHOOL

DANE DEHAAN the school walks through camera with shaky his. Up bullies him beat, although camera to the spastic thanks, tell to hard it's HAPPENING IS THE FUCK WHAT.

DANE DEHAAN

Well I think we've established that every single facet of my life totally sucks goat ass. But on the bright side, my agent says I'm reminiscent of a young Leonardo DiCaprio!

ALEX RUSSELL

MY agent says I'm reminiscent of a young Chris Evans!

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

MY agent says I'll be lucky to survive till halfway through the movie!

(pause)

Did I mention I'm black?

INT. RANDOM TEEN PARTY

ALEX and DANE arrive.

ASHLEY HINSHAW

Hey there Alex! By some bizarre coincidence, I also pathologically film everything! Isn't it neat how the only girl in school you're interested in, has the same psychological hangup as your cousin?

(pause)

Or maybe it's just weird.

ALEX RUSSELL

Wait, we also get YOUR camera's POV? So this isn't really a "found footage" style so much as a "footage that some unknown person found, painstakingly edited together to create a coherent narrative, and then left for someone else to find" style?

ASHLEY HINSHAW

You'd prefer "footage that Michael Bay shot and then crammed up his own asshole so he could shit it all out on your face" style?

ALEX RUSSELL

Hm, good point.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE PARTY

DANE broods in the parking lot.

DANE DEHAAN

(brooding)

Brood, brood, brood.

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

(walking over)

Hi Dane! I'm running for class president, which is why I'm also skulking around this parking lot. How'd you like to follow me to some creepy hole in the ground, even though I'm exactly the kind of popular kid that has made your life hell since forever? C'mon, your cousin Alex is there, which could easily be a total lie.

DANE DEHAAN

(shrugs)

OK.

INT. CREEPY UNDERGROUND TUNNEL

ALEX RUSSELL

Guys, check out this weird glowing goop! I think it's dino-smegma or something!

Suddenly FREAKY-ASS SHIT starts happening!

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

BLORP!

DANE DEHAAN

FNURTZ!

CUT TO:

INT. THE NEXT DAY

DANE, ALEX, and MICHAEL are testing their newfound powers.

ALEX RUSSELL

Wow, you levitate Legos™ way better than me.

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

Watch me telekinetically chug these Pringles!™

DANE DEHAAN

I'm so glad we skipped over the mind-blowing discovery of our powers to get to the crucial product placement.

(sneezing)

AA-CHOOOIPAD™

EXT. FIELD NEAR THE CREEPY TUNNEL

ALEX RUSSELL

Guess we might as well make some half-assed attempt to figure out what happened.

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

Huh, the hole totally caved in. Guess there's no answers for us here.

DANE DEHAAN

(thinks)

Do you think if our powers ever grow to the point where we can, y'know, throw buses and cars at each other, we should come back and move this patch of loose earth and try to get those answers?

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

(pause)

Nah.

INT. DANE'S HOUSE

DANE is WEBSURFING when MICHAEL KELLY barges in and IS HORRIBLY HORRIBLY VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE TO HIM.

MICHAEL KELLY

I know you have all these blatant criminal offences on film and I DON'T CARE!! It's not like any kid has ever turned the tables by posting videos of their dad's abuse of them online!!

DANE DEHAAN

Ooooh, just you wait for your inevitable comeuppance! JUST YOU WAIT! You're gonna be got SO GOOD!!!

EXT. CITY

The GUYS go around doing TELEKINESIS PRANKS.

ALEX RUSSELL

Hee hee, I made that leafblower blow up those girls' skirts!

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

Hee hee, I floated a stuffed teddy bear and traumatized a child for life!

DANE DEHAAN

The best part is how nobody ever suspects the nearby snickering teenagers could somehow be responsible! Which in real life they would do immediately!

ALEX RUSSELL

Whoa, Dane, you're not even HOLDING your camera any more!

DANE DEHAAN

Yeah, now I use my telekinesis to have my new, better camera float around filming me, providing all the steadiness and vantage points of a normal camera crew. I've gotten just good enough at this to make the audience wonder why we even bothered with a found-footage device in the first place.

EXT. ROAD

The GUYS are driving home.

ALEX RUSSELL

Ah, what a fun day of gradually escalating pranks.

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

I agree, it was so enjoyable to constantly one-up each other, attempting progressively more daring and dangerous things.

DANE DEHAAN

I guess the next step is to telekinetically run that car off the road!

(does so)

ALEX RUSSELL

HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL DANE WHY DID YOU JUST ONE-UP US BOTH BY ATTEMPTING SOMETHING SO DARING AND DANGEROUS?!?!!

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

FUCKSSAKE DANE WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND ESCALATE THINGS?!?!!!

ALEX RUSSELL

(angrily)

That does it, we need rules! I will now lay down three important rules we must follow! FIRST, we must never harm other humans, or through inaction, allow them to come to harm! Second, DON'T feed us after midnight!! And THIRD, whenever ANYBODY says our names FIVE TIMES in a mirror, we MUST appear!! GOT IT?!?

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

You forgot not talking about Fight Club, dude.

ALEX RUSSELL

WELL IT'S NOT LIKE WE EVER MENTION THESE RULES AGAIN NOW IS IT.

DANE DEHAAN

Okay, geez, guys, settle down. I promise to use my powers responsibly from here on out.

(mentally tears apart eleven squirrels)

EXT. RANDOM GIANT PILE OF DIRT - THE NEXT DAY

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

Check it out, I learned how to fly using our telekinesis! Now that's what I call HANG TIME!

(pause)

Because my name is Michael Jordan, you see.

The boys FLY AROUND a while until a MOTHERFUCKING AIRPLANE whips past, sending them all CRASHING TO THE GROUND and almost KILLING them. Luckily they ALL SURVIVE and learn NOTHING WHATSOEVER from almost dying, so THAT was useful.

INT. ASHLEY'S HOUSE

We see that ASHLEY has set her camera on a TRIPOD facing the FRONT DOOR.

ASHLEY HINSHAW

(answering door)

Why, it's Alex! Hello!

ALEX RUSSELL

Hi, Ash. I just wanted to say...

(notices camera)

...what the hell? You're filming everyone who comes to the goddamn door now?

ASHLEY HINSHAW

You know it. I got some great footage of the UPS guy this morning, including a close-up of me accepting delivery of his package.

ALEX RUSSELL

(pause)

...do you mean that literally, or...?

ASHLEY HINSHAW

Hm. Given that my contribution to this movie is otherwise somewhere between jack and shit, let's go with I fucked that guy rotten until his eyeballs burst, why not? At least then I'll have done something interesting.

INT. SCHOOL

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

Hey, Dane, I had a great idea. We can use our telekinesis to do a magic show, which will instantly make you ultra-popular.

DANE DEHAAN

I see. And our school exists in what alternate universe exactly?

They DO the MAGIC SHOW and decide to err on the side of CAUTION by doing shit that is TOTALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.

INT. PARTY - THAT NIGHT

GIRL

OMG are you that kid who does magic?!?? That is the sexiest thing EVER I must jump your bones like yesterday!!

DANE DEHAAN

SPLURG!!

GIRL

OMG you either just threw up or hugely jizzed yourself, it's not clear! Either way it's time for you to complete your zero-to-hero-back-to-complete-zero-again journey, in a record time of 37.4 seconds.

INT. DANE'S BASEMENT

DANE DEHAAN

(brooding)

Brood, brood, brood.

MICHAEL KELLY

(barging in)

I just watched all your tapes, Dane, and yet somehow failed to notice all the demonstrations of supernatural powers in them! Instead I will rag on you about the price of the camera!

DANE DEHAAN

THAT DOES IT! I throw you across the room thusly! This must be when I exact my terrible, terrible revenge!! Here we go!!!

(pause)

Or not.

(leaves)

EXT. UPPER ATMOSPHERE

DANE DEHAAN

Oooo, I am so upset up here in this dangerous storm! I sense one of my two friends is coming to try and talk me down, thereby putting themselves in mortal peril, I wonder which one it'll be?!?

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

Hi! I knew you were up here thanks to our newfound psychic connection, which I gotta say, is one hell of a narrative shortcut.

DANE DEHAAN

Well as long as we're adding powers, I now control weather! Eat black lightning!

(zaps Michael)

MICHAEL B. JORDAN

ARRRGH, at least I made it past the halfway point!

(dies)

INT. SCHOOL - THE NEXT DAY

DANE DEHAAN

Wow, people are all broken up about Michael. Seems that constantly hanging out with the biggest loser in school didn't hurt his popularity in any way.

BULLY

You suck, Dane!

DANE DEHAAN

(psychically yanks out bully's teeth)

And now YOU can do nothing else!

DANE then LEISURELY CHATS TO HIS CAMERA for THREE HOURS while STILL AT SCHOOL because THE SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION DOES NOT GIVE ONE FAT FLYING FUCK.

INT. DANE'S HOUSE

DANE tends to his DYING MOM.

DANE'S DYING MOM

(dying)

Son, could you pick up my medication?

DANE DEHAAN

Of course.

DANE'S DYING MOM

(dying some more)

Thanks. Oh, it costs seventeen thousand trillion bajillion dollars.

DANE DEHAAN

(crying out)

Oh the social injustice of it all!

(aside)

Hm, what to do? I could just mentally levitate wallets out of people's hands, then walk away while they shit themselves, but that's too easy. Much better to go on an aggressive crime spree while targeting the people most likely to be heavily armed! I should get a disguise first, though.

DANE unpacks HIS OWN DAD'S OLD FIREFIGHTER'S UNIFORM.

DANE DEHAAN

This is a great disguise because the authorities will have no idea WHICH anti-social, troubled teenage son of a retired firefighter I am!

EXT. GAS STATION

DANE DEHAAN

Okay, gas station guy! Where's the cash?!?

GAS STATION GUY

Er, I keep all the money in that safe shaped like a propane tank! And I can only unlock it with this shotgun!

DANE DEHAAN

Okay, but make it snappy.

PROPANE TANK

(exploding)

BOOM!!

INT. HOSPITAL

MICHAEL KELLY

Excuse me, cops, I was told my son is here.

COPS

Yes. He's comatose and completely unresponsive, so we've set up a camera to videotape him for some reason. By all means go in and visit. We'll walk somewhere far away in case you'd like to start shouting and threatening him or anything like that.

MICHAEL KELLY

Hey, thanks, guys.

(enters Dane's room)

WAKE UP YOU USELESS EDWARD FURLONG WANNABE!

DANE DEHAAN

(awakening)

That's LEO DICAPRIO, DAD!! ARRRRRGHHH!!!

DANE MENTALLY DESTROYS THE FUCK OUT OF THE OUTSIDE WALL!!

EXT. CITY STREET

ALEX RUSSELL

Oh my God, Dane is flying out of the hospital holding his Evil Drunk Dad! Quick, Ashley, get to safety! Oh, did I mention Ashley was in this scene? 'Cause she's already gone. Oops.

DANE DEHAAN

NOW AT LONG LAST THE TIME HAS COME FOR MY REVENGE ON THIS UNSPEAKABLY EVIL CHARACTER!!

(drops Michael Kelly)

ALEX RUSSELL

NO IT HASN'T!!!

(saves Michael Kelly)

DANE DEHAAN

WHAT THE FUCK ALEX!?!? WE FIGHT NOW!!

DANE and ALEX have a BIG-ASS MATRIX-REVOLUTIONS-BUT-WITHOUT-THE-SUCKING-STYLE TELEKINESIS-FIGHT!

DANE DEHAAN

(destroying half the city)

KAAAAANEEDAAAAA!!!!

ALEX RUSSELL

(destroying other half)

TEEEETSUUUOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

DANE DEHAAN

Alex, why the hell won't you let me kill my Evil Drunk Dad?

ALEX RUSSELL

I'm not sure, actually. It really is a payoff we've been promising this whole time. I guess we're trying to keep you sympathetic to the audience by not having you commit explicit murder.

DANE DEHAAN

Fair enough. Now time to throw a busload of innocent bystanders in your face!

The BUS and ALEX RUSSELL CRASH into the GROUND presumably KILLING everyone on board. DANE lands nearby and A BUNCH OF COPS rush into position.

COP

All right team! Let's continue to use our standard containment procedures against this kid who has already flung dozens of us around like ragdolls with the power of his mind! Eighth time's the charm, amirite?!

(is flung miles away by Dane's mind)

ALEX RUSSELL

(emerging from bus wreckage)

I'm not finished yet, Dane!

(thinks)

In fact we both seem fine. How are we not Jell-o™ sacks at this point?

DANE DEHAAN

No, we explained that earlier, how we instinctively create telekinetic armour-shells around our body whenever anything hits us!

ALEX RUSSELL

Oh, that's right. And our powers have only grown since then, so we really must be utterly impregnable by now.

DANE DEHAAN

Exactly!

ALEX RUSSELL

Thanks for explaining. Say, why not stand in front of that statute of a guy with a spear.

DANE DEHAAN

Why not indeed? After all, it's not even a real combat-grade spear, just a statue of one made with malleable materials.

ALEX RUSSELL

True! It's not like it would even be as strong as the reinforced rebar inside the solid load-bearing walls we've been chucking each other through.

DANE DEHAAN

OR even as sharp as the jagged chunks of concrete that were shearing against us as we did so!

ALEX RUSSELL

Quite correct! ...Unless, of course, I came by last night and replaced the ORIGINAL spear with one made of pure Plotresolvium!!

(mentally chucks spear through Dane's chest)

DANE DEHAAN

(impaled)

AAARRRGH, approaching feature-length running time, my one weakness!

(dies)

ALEX grabs the CAMERA and FLIES LAZILY AWAY because FUCK POLICE HELICOPTERS AND SHIT.

EXT. A SNOWY WINDSWEPT MOUNTAINTOP IN TIBET

ALEX RUSSELL

In tribute to my fallen friend, I leave his video camera here, perched on this Tibetan mountaintop. Here it will stand in his memory, at least until the battery dies and the first decent wind knocks it over and it vanishes beneath the snow never to be seen by another living soul ever again.

GHOST OF MICHAEL B. JORDAN

...so do I get a tribute too, or...?

ALEX RUSSELL

(not listening)

Farewell, only friend I've recently lost!

(flies off)

END