FADE IN:

EXT. DARK DREARY TERRIBLE IRELAND

SAOIRSE RONAN is a beautiful single young Irish woman. Because of this, she is moving to AMERICA where she can be a beautiful young single Irish woman. She also works at a bakery with a horribly bitchy boss.

SAOIRSE RONAN

So my sister got a priest in America to sponsor me, where I will work at an upscale department store. I'll be leaving soon and I am extremely scared about being thrust away from my family and the only town I've known into a bustling mysterious city by myself. I am so naive I may as well be a VeggieTale.

HORRIBLE BITCHY BOSS

You are such a pitiful cunt! Not you, Saoirse, that horrible excuse of human flesh who was trying to get me to sell her shoe polish on a goddamn Sunday. Anyway, but yeah you are also a pitiful cunt. Leaving your mother and sister alone to try to find yourself a better life... Your sister will be left alone to take care of your lonely mother, whom you should stay living with forever so the three of you can live out your sad lonely spinster existence. You are no better than the white shit lice leaves behind on a dirty child's scalp.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Oh I see, you're the symbolic equivalent of the pastoral mindset I am trying to escape. Wow, point taken. I'll pack my bags immediately.

INT. SAOIRSE'S HOUSE IN IRELAND

SAOIRSE and her sister FIONA GLASCOTT pack her one suitcase.

FIONA GLASCOTT

Er, well make that bag. Sorry I could only afford to get you a couple of items of clothing. I am truly a kind hearted person who loves you and wants the best of you.

SAOIRSE RONAN

That's so unselfish of you. Now, are you sure you don't have any secrets that might keep me from leaving? Anything going on I should know about before I set sail across the world? This trip is not exactly a smooth one, so if you know of any reason I may need to come home later, you should let me know now.

FIONA GASCOTT

I am too selfless to tell you anything you probably need to know.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Okay then, well I'll be on my way as soon as I tell bye to mom-

MOM slams door with the resounding sound of Mother's Guilt.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Welp. I'm out. See you sis.

INT. SMALL CABIN ON A SHIP

EVA BIRTHISTLE

Hello! I'm the brassy Irish woman assimilated to the American ways of life. I've taken this trip before!

SAOIRSE RONAN

Oh great, because there's so much I need to know-

EVA BIRTHISTLE

Off to the deck for a cigarette! For like, twelve hours!

SAOIRSE has dinner alone. She eats a stew that looks like a bruised tampon. Later, she gets sick.

EVA BIRTHISTLE

Well you look like shit. You aren't supposed to eat on the nights when the water is really rocky. Gosh someone should have told you that!

SAOIRSE RONAN

That and also the fact that the assholes sharing our bathroom locked me out the entire night, so I had to expel the bruised tampon soup into a bucket. Thanks for the advice roomie.

EVA BIRTHISTLE

Sorry about that. Okay well, we are almost to America, so I'm going to help you find clothes to wear and some make-up to put on to make you look a little less like a dying mouse.

SAOIRSE gets through customs just fine because of some light blush and a cardigan that matches her shoes or something.

INT. BOARDINGHOUSE IN BROOKLYN

JULIE WATERS

I'm the matriarch of this boardinghouse of young respectable ladies! I bestow mild humor and soft rules.

ALL THE OTHER GIRLS AT THE BOARDINGHOUSE

We also bestow mild humor and softly bend Julie's soft rules. And we talk about cold cream.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Huh. So. Anything exciting in store for me? Certainly the lives of seven women living under one roof has the potential for some... plot? And where is New York City, by the way? Are we not in Brooklyn? Shouldn't I see some of it at some point?

JULIE WATERS

Nope. This movie is basically Xanax. What sort of moisturizer do you use?

The audience considers their own moisturizing regimen because there is literally nothing else to consider at this point. SAOIRSE goes to work for that upscale apartment where JESSICA PARE is her boss and also pretty much Megan from Mad Men.

JESSICA PARE

Okay so, you need to actually seem like a happy person. Or an alive one.

SAOIRSE RONAN

(bursts into tears)

JESSICA PARE

Are you on your period? Or is this just some serious homesickness?

SAOIRSE RONAN

Oh God it's just awful here! The funny women I live with! The comfortable house! The non-intimating New York City! The kind people I work with! The sweet priest who sponsored me! The safety of it all! Oh God it's JUST KILLING ME I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

JESSICA PARE

Oh Saoirse, I feel you. It's a proven fact that those who immigrated to the United States suffered no actual hardships whatsoever. I'll call the priest.

PRIEST JIM BROADBENT visits SAOIRSE.

PRIEST JIM BROADMENT

Jessica told me you were sad. Well I have some good news.

SAOIRSE RONAN

A map of New York? Directions to the Rockefeller Center? A female friend I don't hate?

PRIEST JIM BROADBANT

No. I've enrolled you in night classes for bookkeeping!

SAOIRSE RONAN

EVEN BETTER! Thank you priest! Thank you so much!

SAOIRSE goes to a boring dance for singles. ITALIAN EMORY COHEN asks her to dance.

ITALIAN EMORY COHEN

I find you endearing but there is something you should know. I'm Italian.

SAIORSE RONAN

WHOA! I'm sorry, I can't have any scandal and intrigue in my life. I'll be on my way.

ITALIAN EMORY COHEN

Oh I'm not going to give you any of that. I am going to walk you home, but don't worry I won't try anything.

He doesn't try anything. Now is the time for that amphetamine drip you need to stay awake for this movie. Later, EMORY and SAOIRSE go on a date. It's filled with biting sexual tension SAOIRSE talking about bookkeeping and EMORY talking about plumbing.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Hang on just a minute here. We are just playing out someone's imagining of how their grandparents met. We cannot ignore this blatant lack of EVERYTHING going on right now.

EMORY COHEN

I love you.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Oh there we go. Hang on, I'm going to let that hang out there for just the smallest amount of tension.

(beat)

SAOIRSE RONAN

I love you too! Yay!

They go to Coney Island and then SAOIRSE gets some bad news.

PRIEST JOM BROADBENT

So your sister died and your mom found her. Turns out she had a sickness she probably already knew about but she didn't want to tell anyone because she was being her usual selfless self.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Yes, because sudden deaths are totally less devastating than the expected ones. Sort of like getting hit by a speeding train rather than slowly getting rolled over by one. It's all too much really, I mean how she was alone and now my mother-

PRIEST JIM BROADBENT

Whoa whoa whoa there missy. I don't really want to know about your feelings. You need to hop your ass back on that ship to Ireland. You'll be too late for a funeral, but you need to see your mom, your best friend get married, and a new love interest who comes into the picture.

SAIORSE RONAN

Sure, sure. Wait what? Are we going to have intrigue??

Later, SAOIRSE talks to EMORY about going back to IRELAND but only for a short TRIP DAMNIT she WON'T STAY THERE, RIGHT?

EMORY COHEN

Ugh. I guess, you have to do this. But will you marry me first? And can we have sex? Okay and get married? And yeah I want to have sex too.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Sure, but let's keep it a secret okay?

EMORY COHEN

Why? There is literally no reason to have to do that at this point. I even have a plot of land to build a house to have a family. I have a job. My parents love you, what's the problem?

SAOIRSE RONAN

The Xanax is starting to wear off and the audience needs a kick in the pants. Well, a small shoulder nudge, anyway.

They get secret married and have secret sex. SAOIRSE heads back to Ireland where she meets DOMHNALL GLEESON because he was in every fucking movie last year.

DOMHNALL GLEESON

Sorry your sister died. She was cool. I like you a lot and find you charming.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Sorry, I'm married. I like you and find you charming too! Let's go to the beach, introduce me to your parents, let my mother believe I might stay in Ireland to keep her company with the hopes of grandchildren. I'll even get offered a job I've always wanted. Could life get any better-- OH FUCK I'M MARRIED. IN AMERICA.

SAOIRSE tells her mom she's married to an American man, drops a note to DOMHNALL, and skedaddles back to Brooklyn where she embraces EMORY COHEN.

EMORY COHEN

Gosh I missed you. Any gallivanting you did I should know about?

SAOIRSE RONAN

Eh, debatable but not really. I didn't actually go very far with Domhnall even though I metaphorically kneed him in the nuts. He was just symbolic for the dichotomy one feels when yearning for two lands, and dudes, across the world from each other, and the trouble of choosing between familiarity for something new. Too bad that part of the movie only happened for about ten minutes.

EMORY COHEN

Okay but the only part of America you see in this movie was mostly soft lighting and cobblestone streets.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Well, the only people who came to this movie feels a storm coming along from the cramp in their shoulder and have to hit the Bingo Hall before seven o'clock bed time.

EMORY COHEN

Oh and don't forget the Academy because this was nominated for Best Picture.

SAOIRSE RONAN

Yeah, that's what I said.

END