FADE IN:

INT. THE PAST PROBABLY SOME TIME IN THE 1980'S

YOUNG AMY SCHUMER'S dad, COLIN QUINN, talks to his daughters about monogamy.

COLIN QUINN

Hey girls, fucking your mother exclusively has gotten old. I'm going to compare this to the way you feel about your favorite dolls. Don't you want your dolls to wear spiked heels, twirling nipple tassels, and glitter flavored body glue every now and then? I'm going to abandon you to find a bunch of ladies like that. I'm also an alcoholic racist homophobe. You should try to emulate me in every way.

YOUNG AMY SCHUMER

I am at least going to do some of those things while disguising the other things among ancillary characters like yourself.

INT. THE PRESENT NEW YORK CITY

AMY wobbles around New York City.

AMY SCHUMER (V.O.)

Amy Schumer here! I am here to tell you all about Amy Schumer while you watch Amy Schumer interact with other people while they are reacting to Amy Schumer! Just when you think a moment might not be all about me, I will punch you in the face with my face. Anyway, I like to get drunk and have sex with a lot of men, but don't worry, even though sex generally takes the effort of at least two people I have also managed to make it all about me.

AMY goes home with a man, laughs about how huge his dick is, tells him to go down on her, gets off, and promptly falls asleep.

AMY SCHUMER (V.O.)

So here I am, sexually liberated and loving the variety of extremely hot people walking out my door. I will not apologize for this!

INT. AMY'S WORK

TILDA SWINTON is in this movie as AMY'S boss and she looks like a cross between Jodie Foster and what happens when you leave cheese out in the sun. TILDA, AMY, VANESSA BAYER and other magazine editors gather around to pitch story ideas.

TILDA SWINTON

So our magazine tries to cater to everybody. With that in mind, let's hear your pitches.

They discuss the taste of semen, jerking off at work, and how gay guys are gay because women are boring. Because these topics cater to everybody. Somebody mentions a sports doctor.

AMY SCHUMER

Sports are dumb.

TILDA SWINTON

Ok Amy, you get to interview the sports doctor.

AMY SCHUMER

But we already knew that.

TILDA SWINTON

And Vanessa, go eat some semen.

Later, AMY and her sister, BRIE LARSON, clear out their Dad's house because he has recently moved into a nursing home.

BRIE LARSON

I am pretty, pregnant, married and subject to my sister's continuous jabs about my life.

AMY SCHUMER

I hate your husband and the way he dresses.

BRIE LARSON

You're going to dress like the Brawny paper towel man more than once in this movie. Anyway, I'm worried about the cost of the facility where we brought Dad. We should discuss this like adults.

Amy snorts some coke and talks about her mom's tits. Later, she has sex with her boyfriend JOHN CENA. We see his dick swinging under a washcloth and then the scene cuts to a nursing home because tone is for pussies.

INT. NURSING HOME

COLIN QUINN

I live here being cranky and racist.

AMY SCHUMER

Which is funny!

INT. BILL HADER'S OFFICE

AMY finally meets sports doctor BILL HADER.

BILL HADER

Yeah I was wondering when I was going to be in this movie.

AMY SCHUMER

Hey Bill, this meeting is for us to make plans to make other meetings.

BILL HADER

Are we going to ramble?

AMY SCHUMER

Of course! Hey, I have tons of black friends.

BILL HADER

Prove to me you have black friends!

AMY shows Bill a picture of a black waiter's arm serving her. Really.

BILL HADER

Uh huh. Am I laughing at you or with you here? Because it just looks like you are ignorant instead of mocking ignorance. This is a little rocky since you're the protagonist of this movie instead of some idiot on a sketch comedy skit. You will become self aware of this bigotry later on in the movie, right?

AMY SCHUMER

Hold your horses, we have to address my sexuality first. Priorities.

BILL HADER

Speaking of friends, do you have any? We've met nearly every other person in this movie before we got to me and yet none of those were girlfriends.

AMY SCHUMER

Yeah, for a movie about a woman, written by a woman, and targeted towards mostly women, I treat a lot of them like shit several times. Vanessa and I like to pee in adjacent stalls and talk about which Johnny Depp character we'd rather fuck. We settled on Depp as Willy Wonka, even though the crankiest vagina wouldn't fuck Depp's Willy Wonka. That's about it though.

BILL HADER

Well that's a shame, especially since I am portrayed as having a close, endearing relationship with my bestie.

LEBRON JAMES

Hey it's my opening scene! Why in hell did it take so long for us to show up?

AMY SCHUMER

Ahem. Excuse me, this is teetering dangerously close to not about me. Nice to meet you handsome seven foot tall stranger I only recognize from a commercial. Bill, I'll ask your receptionist when we can meet again.

BILL HADER

Then why in the hell did we even have this meeting? And why was this scene so long?

AMY SCHUMER

Don't worry, it won't be the last one like this.

AMY breaks up with her boyfriend JOHN CENA who is obviously a closeted gay man which isn't a tired trope at all. She then interviews BILL some more.

INT. BILL'S WORKPLACE

BILL is showing AMY where he works. AMY gets a text from her sister about needing to deal with something complicated which would necessitate her not being a jackass, so she hyperventilates. She then calls her sister to talk about their Dad fucks a drunk BILL HADER.

BILL HADER

You're my girlfriend now. I like you.

AMY SCHUMER

I want to see other people.

BILL HADER

No.

AMY SCHUMER

Yes.

BILL HADER

This is pretty close to the actual dialogue. We also have a spirited discussion about Uptown Girl that is edited so poorly, our lines don't make any sequential sense.

AMY SCHUMER

I disagree, I think Jon Snow is coming back next season.

BILL HADER

So how can I make you fall in love with me?

AMY'S phone rings.

AMY SCHUMER

I'll be damned, my Dad needs a doctor!

They go to COLIN's nursing home.

INT. NURSING HOME

COLIN QUINN

Crotchety surliness! I fell and busted my head open!

METHOD MAN

I was a doctor in my country, but in America I can only be an orderly.

BILL HADER

And that joke has never been made in sitcoms. Move over, I'll sew him up.

METHOD MAN

Amy, listen carefully because what I'm about to say privately is seriously important. It's life or death. Your Dad is hoarding his pain medicine.

AMY SCHUMER

Gosh look how Bill is sewing up my Dad. I think I'm going to give dating a shot!

METHOD MAN

I'll see you at his funeral.

INT. BASKETBALL STADIUM

BILL and AMY watch some athletes do athletic things. AMY calls everybody dumb.

BILL HADER

Sports aren't for everybody but it brings people together and creates a sense of unity.

CHEERLEADERS come out.

AMY SCHUMER

These whores are twerking! WHERE IS YOUR STRIPPER POLE!?!?!

BILL HADER

I sure love a woman who heckles other women performing in front of a stadium! Let's have a love montage!

They have a love montage that ends with AMY sucking BILL'S dick on a park bench.

LEBRON JAMES

I still come in for some extremely long scenes throughout this movie. Um, everybody should go to Cleveland.

INT. BRIE'S BABY SHOWER

BRIE LARSON

Are you cooking up some insulting way to ruin this special day for me?

AMY SCHUMER

In a minute. First I want to tell you how much I like Bill. I like him a whole lot. I even like the sex.

BRIE LARSON

Just as long as it's not the BEST sex you've ever had. No idea why this is redundantly said over and over, repeatedly, again and again. Jokes are best if you say them over and over again.

AMY SCHUMER

Alright I'm ready to ruin your shower.

BRIE, AMY and SOME OTHER LADIES decide to play traditional baby shower game "Skeletons in the Closet" where they tell their darkest secrets.

SOME OTHER LADY 1

I had two glasses of champagne once!

SOME OTHER LADY 2

I left my dog home alone for two and a half hours once!

BRIE LARSON

So you didn't write friends for yourself and these are the friends you give me?

AMY SCHUMER

Shhhh. It's my turn to tell a story about losing a condom and realizing it was stuck to my cervix and I had to dig it out. Happy baby shower little sister!

After the shower, they get a phone call that their Dad has died from SURPRISE! Hoarding his pain pills!

INT. FUNERAL

There is a lengthy funeral in this movie.

METHOD MAN

Hello again.

BILL HADER

I love a good suicide in my romantic comedies.

TILDA SWINTON

But I do deliver a funny line here.

VANESSA BAYER

And I get to sit near this hottie. Hi there Method Man.

METHOD MAN

(swats fly off shoulder)

AMY SCHUMER

(is crying and giving a eulogy in a romantic comedy)

My father was a horrible man! He really was terrible! I don't know why I'm up here saying this when we could have just played Danny Boy or something.

(cries forever)

After the funeral, AMY publicly berates her sister and then yells at BILL. They later go to a formal luncheon where AMY is uncomfortable for being underdressed.

AMY SCHUMER

Maybe I shouldn't draw more attention to how out of place I am... Nah! Wine please!

BILL HADER

Could you not overdo it for once?

AMY SCHUMER

Um... you are getting an award and about to make a speech. You should know that takes the spotlight off me for too long.

AMY'S gets repeated texts from TILDA so she answers her phone and leaves in the middle of BILL'S acceptance speech. And then she goes back to the banquet as fast as she can lights a joint. She then keeps BILL up all night yelling at him even though he is a surgeon with a job to do. The next morning, he preps a patient for surgery while acting like a complete imbecile because apparently losing a few hours of sleep gives him the same effect as eating seventeen pot brownies. He confronts AMY.

BILL HADER

My surgery was postponed a few days and I think we should take a break from each other until then. Let's chill out, think, and then revaluate our relationship later on.

AMY goes to a club with her coworkers and gets blasted. EZRA MILLER is her intern and she goes home with him.

INT. EZRA MILLER'S HOUSE

EZRA MILLER

Safe word. Pineapple. My tits. Hit me.

AMY SCHUMER

What is happening?

He slaps her. She punches him. His mom runs in. He's 16.

INT. AMY'S WORK

TILDA SWINTON

It's a proven fact that the audience only watched that last scene through the shadowed haze of their own dignity slowly rotting into perpetual shame.

AMY SCHUMER

So, good scene, right?

TILDA SWINTON

Well it's getting you fired. Which is what you were trying to keep from happening when you answered your phone at Bill's banquet, which lead to the fight and subsequent self hatred that landed you in bed with your sixteen year old intern in the first place.

AMY SCHUMER

I better start growing and changing now.

AMY gets rid of all of her booze, has a group hug with her sister's family, and gets published in Vanity Fair. Because if you're having problems getting things published you can just head on over to Vanity Fair and they'll do it for you. She surprises BILL by dressing like a cheerleader and dancing to Uptown Girl and accidentally knocking herself out.

BILL HADER

So this whole time you were internally embroiled with self-hatred which caused you to act destructively, but I have made you see that you only want to sleep with one guy instead of lots of guys and maybe also not keep open whiskey bottles and bongs on your coffee table?

AMY SCHUMER

It looks that way but really it was that incident with Ezra and getting fired that actually lead to that realization. But since this character is supposedly autobiographical, I will continue to be a smart, funny, sexually adventurous feminist right?

JUDD APATOW

Whoa there lady. Drugs and booze are fantastic but you cannot get away with all that fucking without being reduced to a sad and shameful scene where Bill deems you "unsafe" and you dub yourself "broken." So it's only monogamy for you and we'll sweep your actual harmful personality traits under a very bloated rug. Pretty soon you'll be whining to your husband who sneaks off to watch superhero movies without you, but it's all cool because now you'll never even consider having a "shmashmortion." Welcome to the Apatow club.

AMY SCHUMER

Yet still no learning experiences about the race problems right? Remember how it's funny that I don't have black friends but it's okay because I'm an oblivious cute white girl? So we just leave that floating out there?

THEY DO.

END