FADE IN:

EXT. TEXAS

REDNECK MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY has a THREESOME on a BULL before his RODEO SHOW.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Whoo-hoo, I love this movie!

REAL-LIFE RON WOODROOF

Erm, what are you doing? I wasn't a rodeo rider. Where's my family? My daughter? Why am I portrayed as such a homophobe?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Oops, the rodeo was going to function as a metaphor for my... um... development over homophobia, a flaw you... uh, kind of had a little, so we... Fuck it, let's start over.

EXT. TEXAS

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY is a misogynist, homophobic, racist, cheating, manipulative, drug-abusing PRICK.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Yeah, well, I'm the hero, so stuff it.

JENNIFER GARNER

Matthew, you have AIDS and thirty days to live.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Grr! I ain't no fuckin' faggot! Only damn homosexuals get AIDS! You bitch woman liar you don't know what yur talkin' about!

(pause)

Feeling sorry for me yet?

MATTHEW steals a bunch of MEDICINE and HAS A BUNCH OF SEX. He looks SLIGHTLY FORLORN during this, which is supposed to make us feel BAD for him when we're not staring at HUGE NAKED FEMALE ASS shoved in our faces.

JENNIFER GARNER

Huh, it's been thirty days and Matthew's not dead yet. Guess I'm off to partake in the Watered-Down-For-Audiences Technobabble Olympics. Matthew, meet Jared Leto.

JARED LETO enters. He looks like TOM RIDDLE transforming into FEMALE VOLDEMORT, apparently a popular look for transgenders.

JARED LETO

Oh Matthew, youso hot dahling I wanna make pretty pretty love to ya mostache.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Ugh. Which of the Two LGBT Template Characters are you? The Funny Stereotype Gay or the Society-Hates-Me Gay?

JARED LETO

The lattah one, I think. Imma here to appeal to the gay and trans viewers.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Yes, gay and trans men love being conformed to a stereotype. Please, rub your hands all over me in the most effeminate way possible. But I guess it's okay since you were a real-

JARED LETO

Oh honey, I'm totally made up. So is everyone else in this movie except you.

MATTHEW leaves the hospital and hangs with his *cough* FRIENDS.

STEVE ZAHN

Matthew, I'm cutting off contact with you because you're gay.

KEVIN RANKIN

Yeah, you had man-on-woman sex literally in front of me earlier, but you're totally gay.

STEVE ZAHN

What the-

(checks IMDB)

There's two of us?! Holy shit, Kevin, I thought we were the same person!

KEVIN RANKIN

Whoa, me too! Eh, you wanna randomly pop up all over the film due to increasingly ridiculous contrivances, creating forced subplots that go no where?

STEVE ZAHN

Well, my career peak was "Diary of a Wimpy Kid." What was yours?

KEVIN RANKIN

I was that guy on Breaking Bad whose dead body flopped around in a recliner and made the finale ridiculous.

STEVE ZAHN

Then yeah, our resumes could use this. Let's stay in the movie.

STEVE ZAHN reads the COMMENTS SECTION BELOW and double-takes at the notion of having REAL FANS. Meanwhile MATTHEW runs out of AZT MEDICINE, so he heads to MEXICO to find OTHER MEDICINE.

INT. MEXICAN HOSPITAL

MATTHEW is in the care of DR GRIFFIN DUNNE.

GRIFFIN DUNNE

The AZT medicine you were taking is toxic. I'm giving you good medicine, but it isn't FDA-approved because the FDA is evil.

(to camera)

The FDA is EVIL and only cares about MAKING MONEY! DON'T TRUST THE FDA!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

But AZT actually works against AIDS. It's just that doctors initially prescribed the dosage too high. You might as well say Tylenol is evil for the same reason.

GRIFFIN DUNNE

No no, the government doesn't care about making people healthy. You see, the American healthcare system is seriously fractured and- Hang on, I think I figured out why this movie is being made NOW instead of twelve years ago when Ron Woodroof died.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I hear Mexican-American border officials will let you take huge amounts of illegal drugs into the USA if you spin out laughably stupid alibis.

(to officials)

I have to take 5,000 pills this month myself for cancer, can I take them into America?

OFFICIALS

HERP DERP OKAY MATTHEW

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

And I'm a licensed doctor giving these OTHER 5,000 pills to patients with the exact same names as the Dallas Cowboys, what a coincidence, huh?

OFFICIALS

SURE DERP DAP DUHRP MATTHEW WE BELIEVE YOU

GRIFFIN DUNNE

Dude, you should sell these drugs to American AIDS victims! Be careful, none of this stuff is allowed in America, including simple protein supplements because the FDA is comprised of gay-hating corporate suits.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I'll set up business from my own house where anyone can walk in and report me! Awesome!

EXT. TEXAS

NO ONE wants to buy MATTHEW'S DRUGS because he's TOO STRAIGHT, and gays are bigots now.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Jared, you're gay. At least, you have sex with men, and it's all the same to me. Help me sell these drugs.

JARED LETO

No way, honey. Lahst time I dealt drugs it didn't turn out so pretty, you ever watch Requiem?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Grr, I hate gays, but I must learn to accept them.

(pause)

Homosexuals deserve equality! Down with DOMA!

JARED LETO

Wha- Thatzit?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Yep.

JARED LETO

Wow-ah. Well let's deal in this hot-ass gay nightclub to make that change oh-so-slightly mahre graduahl.

WOMEN AND GAY MEN

Hooray, a chance to sexualize men in film as much as women, serving the dual purpose of comically highlighting Matthew's discomfort with his situation!

MATTHEW and JARED go to a GAY NIGHTCLUB. The DANCING HOT MALES are kept in the BACKGROUND for QUICK CUTS while OUT OF FOCUS.

WOMEN AND GAY MEN

What- but-

DIRECTOR JEAN-MARC VALLÉE

I, uh, don't think it's necessary to include, um, sexualized males, the way it was necessary to include that montage of female strippers earlier.

(pause)

It's disrespectful to men.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Then what the fuck is this scene here for?

DIRECTOR JEAN-MARC VALLÉE

Hush up and do what I tell you. You DO want to beat 12 Years a Slave, right?

MATTHEW and JARED open the DALLAS BUYERS CLUB, selling drugs that DON'T REALLY have AIDS benefits, but the real RON WOODROOF believed they did so EVERYONE JUST PRETEND.

JENNIFER GARNER

Hey Matthew, I- Whoa! Why are you selling that to people?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

It's okay, I've also become an advocate for eating wholesome, organically grown non-processed food and UGH does this have to be a commentary on the food industry too?

JENNIFER GARNER

You hate AZT because "It's toxic," but some of the stuff you're selling is actually worse. You know that, right?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Ahem. Creative license.

JENNIFER GARNER

Oh. Right. The FDA is EVIL!

RANDOM GAY COUPLE

Matthew, we want to help you. How may we contribute?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

You can be the only gay people in the movie who aren't offending caricatures. Which you've done. No more screen time for you!

JARED meets with his ESTRANGED FATHER.

JARED LETO

I'm sorry, Dad.

JARED'S DAD

For what? Your sexual orientation you can't control?

JARED LETO

No, I'm sorry for-

SLURP!

JARED'S DAD

What was that?

JARED LETO

The sound of Steve McQueen guzzling Oscar BuzzCum. I'm sorry we aren't attracting that much academy buzz, even though the issues in our movie are more relevant to current events in 2014 and our story is fresh and complex without being too preachy. The only thing to do is raise the emotional stakes with a tragic death, which may garner us some awards, if any. Good bye.

JARED dies of AIDS while MATTHEW finds the most obvious symbolism since MAN OF *coughjesus* STEEL in the form of THE BUTTERFLIES FROM BARBARA KINGSOLVER'S NEW NOVEL.

JENNIFER GARNER

Jared, NOOO! He was a good friend of mine, in that one scene we shared.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

We're taking a more active stand against AZT. Jennifer, I want you to distribute these flyers for untested, non-approved drugs in your hospital.

JENNIFER does that and gets FIRED, which, you know, YOU'D KIND OF HOPE WOULD HAPPEN IF A DOCTOR WAS DOING THAT.

JENNIFER GARNER

SCREW YOU, EVIL FDA!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

YEAH! How dare you guys slow down using SCIENCE and TESTING to make sure the drugs you give to people actually work! Fuck you!

FDA

But we DID hurry up and get AZT to the public faster than we should have, and you made us look evil for it! What do you want us to-

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

NOTHING! YOU CAN DO NOTHING TO APPEASE US! YOU'RE THE BAD GUYS! GRAAAAAGH!

FDA

But in real life, we worked with AIDS activists like yourself to create a system where drugs could reach the public faster and we only had problems with Buyers Clubs like yours if they sold something potentially dangerous, like you are!

STEVE ZAHN OR KEVIN RANKIN

I/We are still here, by the way. Hum do ho.

Suddenly-

INT. COURT

MATTHEW is in COURT.

JUDGE

You lose the case!

MATTHEW goes home. END.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Wha- Thatzit?

DIRECTOR JEAN-MARC VALLÉE

I guess. Maybe this generic text epilogue will help. Now ride on a bull and bring us full circle, okay?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Wasn't riding a bull supposed to be some kind of metaphor?

REAL-LIFE RON WOODROOF

Yeah, for how much bull you put in my life story. Jackass.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Hey, come on. How are you supposed to make a good movie without any creative license?

STEVE MCQUEEN

MMM, FRESH SALTY OSCAR BUZZ! SLURP!

END