FADE IN:

INT. UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - FIREPLACE

DANIEL CRAIG intently reads a letter written by PRIEST JOSH O'CONNOR.

JOSH O'CONNOR (V/O)

Dear Daniel. As you know, the Knives Out tradition is to begin the story and then, halfway through, suddenly stop so we can start over and re-contextualize everything you've seen. So since we did that twice already, THIS time I'm moving the big rewind to happen RIGHT AWAY as a mind-bending twist!

(pause)

Which makes it I guess a more standard retrospective narration thing. Oops.

DANIEL CRAIG

Aw nevah feyar, ah'm sure the world's greytahst detective can maynage to still fahnd ah way to fuck with thah conveyantion.

(obligatory mock-the-accent line completed, this won't continue)

He continues to READ, and our merry tale BEGINS!

INT. CHURCH OF ST. ANGELUS, PATRON SAINT OF BACKSTORY

JOSH loses his temper and PUNCHES another priest, and is charged with one count of HARMING ANOTHER ADULT and multiple counts of FAILING TO HARM ANY CHILDREN.

JEFFREY WRIGHT

Dammit O'Connor, you're a LOOSE ROSARY! The Bishop's breathing down my CASSOCK on this! Hand in your BIBLE and your CRUCIFIX, you're being re-assigned to a low-level shit detail at the scummiest Church we have!

JOSH O'CONNOR

Phew, at least I get to keep my badge and my gun--

JEFFREY WRIGHT

No we need those too.

INT. OUR BROLIN OF PERPETUAL DICKISHNESS

SAD JOSH arrives at his new assignment and finds BAD JOSH.

JOSH BROLIN

Listen up kid, I'm the Monsignor of this here parish. As a power move I'm going to confess endlessly about my masturbation habits, which we won't parody because the real movie didn't leave any room for exaggeration.

GLENN CLOSE

(popping out of spring-loaded fake grave)

Surprise! Don't mind me, I just run everything around here. I have access to everyone and everything, plus I'm the only other character old enough to be personally connected to Brolin's murky family history, and I'm a renowned famous actress BUT I'm sure anyone else you meet will be just as likely a suspect! For, ah, whatever happens.

JOSH O'CONNOR

Good point, we should meet the other suspects. Roll call!

KERRY WASHINGTON

I'm a high-powered lawyer, but despite that I'm never the prime suspect at any point.

JEREMY RENNER

I'm the town doctor, driven to drink by the loss of my wife, AND by being offered only half-rate for a second season of Hawkeye.

THOMAS HADEN CHURCH

So you might be thinking, "why'd they cast Brolin AND his stunt double" well it's not for NARRATIVE reasons, THAT'S for sure!

ANDREW SCOTT

Don't forget I got my big break as "Sexy PRIEST" on Fleabag, so maybe that's a clue?

CAILEE SPAENY

Hi folks, you may remember me from Alien Romulus, so I decided to get into THIS franchise before the inevitable decline. My character is a cellist with horrible chronic pain that makes it extremely difficult to walk, meaning I'll have to find a career where I can mostly sit down, like, um, cello-playing or something.

DARYL MCCORMACK

And finally, my character is a horrible alt-right ragebaiter with political aspirations, who will seem like deft subtle commentary compared to Brolin here.

To illustrate this point BROLIN launches into a typical sermon.

JOSH BROLIN

Let's see who we got today OH LOOK A SINGLE MOM, FUCK YOU SINGLE MOM, FUCK YOU AND YOUR HORRIBLE CHILD, EAT SHIT AND DIE HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

(genuflects)

JOSH O'CONNOR

Y'know I can't help but notice your sermons have a certain polarization-ness to them.

JOSH BROLIN

You can blame my Mom for that, or at least, that's what I do. She had the nerve to be young AND pregnant AND single and so she turned to my grandfather for help, which he provided by getting the entire family to call her a harlot whore. Me included!

GLENN CLOSE

(emerging from baptismal font)

Yes she was horrible and was probably also the reason the family fortune vanished, ooh another clue. Brolin's granddad was buried in the family tomb over there, the sleek above-ground structure with a special door that ONLY opens from the inside, because the other family tradition was setting up elaborate murder mysteries.

GOOD JOSH tries connecting with the church regulars only to find they've been hopelessly brainwashed by BAD JOSH.

JOSH O'CONNOR

Well this fucking sucks. I swear the only way to save this horrible church is by GETTING RID OF Brolin somehow. You hear me Brolin?!? I'm going to CUT YOU OUT of this place! I'll bring STAB-ility to the congregation! Oh look a DAGGER-otype of Ruben BLADES how'd that get there? I sure hope someone with a large social media following recorded all that.

DARYL MCCORMACK

(evil grin)

(posts video to the Snaptoks and whatever)

(probably does the 6-7 meme because that's what all the young'uns are doing)

INT. CHURCH - GOOD FRIDAY MORNING

After a special extra-hateful sermon BROLIN goes to recharge in a side chamber but COLLAPSES, WHAAAA?!?

JOSH O'CONNOR

Ohmigosh there's blood, and some kind of dagger stuck in his back--

JEREMY RENNER

(rushing forward)

DON'T TOUCH THAT! NOBODY BUT ME TOUCH THE MURDER WEAPON and maybe everyone could all look over that way while I crouch over the body?

Indeed BROLIN has been STABBED DEAD! Everyone accuses GOOD JOSH and just as all looks bleak who should arrive BUT-

DANIEL CRAIG

(dramatically entering)

WHY AH SAY AH SAY LOOK HEE-AH surely nobody expected me to arrive MID-NARRATION?!? That still counts as a timey-wimey Knives Out twist right?

JOSH O'CONNOR

Sure, why not. So you're here to solve the murder?

DANIEL CRAIG

That I am, even though everyone's convinced you did it. But then again, this script's been calling you Good Josh so I think you're innocent.

JOSH O'CONNOR

Maybe I'm only Good relative to Bad Josh, or maybe it's a decoy and I'm actually Really Bad Josh.

DANIEL CRAIG

It's true that you're SO obviously the main suspect that you can't actually be the killer. Unless we're doing a clever reversal and you ARE the killer. Unless we're going to cleverly reverse THAT and you're NOT the killer. Unless we once again cleverly reverse THAT and you ARE the killer until we-

(slaps himself)

Oh crap we really are going to do all those steps, aren't we.

WRITER/DIRECTOR RIAN JOHNSON

(maniacal cackling)

DANIEL CRAIG

Right, let's go clear our heads by playing Tickle-Me Elmo with Brolin's flabby naked corpse.

INT. / EXT. VARIOUS CLUE-GATHERING LOCATIONS, LOOK WE'RE ON A DEADLINE OKAY

DANIEL and GOOD(?) JOSH are joined by SHERIFF MILA KUNIS to help gather the clues.

MILA KUNIS

Is this really necessary Daniel, we seem to agree that the obvious "O'Connor did it" theory is the answer here...

DANIEL CRAIG

Yes, but that was before I realized the movie's barely half over. Now first we must go to the local tavern, because it's run by Rian Johnson's friend Noah Segan who is required to appear in every Rian Johnson movie.

NOAH SEGAN

Hiya! Welcome to my devil-themed bar, our special is "hilt of the murder weapon" but we're fresh out, our last one was in Brolin's back. But we might still have... A CLUE!

(sneaky grin)

DANIEL CRAIG

Why yes you do, and I'm going to hold that photographic clue up to the audience's face right now. Except the people in the theatre won't have nearly enough time to examine it, and the crucial detail will be too damn small for the people watching Netflix at home to even see it. Heh heh heh.

MILA KUNIS

Maybe THIS is a clue, all our suspects belonged to a murder mystery book club! In fact they recently read Agatha Christie's classic Murder of Roger Ackroyd where THE NARRATOR DID IT WHAAAAAT

JOSH O'CONNOR

WHAAAAAAAT OR MAYBE IT'S A MISDIRECT WHAAAAAAAT

DANIEL CRAIG

HAHAHA SUCK IT AGATHA CHRISTIE NERDS

MILA KUNIS

Moving on, we've also figured out that some kind of radio signal went off just AFTER Brolin collapsed, as evidenced by this glitch in Thomas Haden Church's videotape of the baseball game. So it's either a clue to the mystery OR a clue to some kind of bizarre elaborate sports betting fraud, which these days seems the more likely explanation.

DANIEL CRAIG

Okay, I think it's time Good(?) Josh starts writing the letter to bring the narration up to the present moment, the audience has probably finished scooping their brains off the floor from that mind-blowing temporal twist.

O'CONNOR dutifully writes the narration which ends with him finishing the narration which is this very sentence but if I type faster than he can write he'll never catch up and this moment will stretch into INFINITY and the movie will NEVER EVER EEEEEEEEND oops he caught up okay let us continue.

DANIEL CRAIG

(reading)

Hmm. Right then... WHY'D YOU DO IT?!?

(lightning flash!!)

JOSH O'CONNOR

You mean why did I... MURDER BROLIN?!?

(huge thunderclap!!!)

DANIEL CRAIG

MAYBE!!???!!!!???!????

(dramatic organ chords!!!!)

JOSH O'CONNOR

WHAAAAAA oh you mean why'd I hide Brolin's flask I found on the floor! Yes I knew he drank during service, and I knew that most of the congregation also knew, but I thought it best to try and protect his total shit reputation by secretly taking the flask from the crime scene. And sure we've been desperately racing to prove my innocence but I just thought it best to not mention it.

DANIEL CRAIG

(sighs)

Well this now raises the possibility Brolin was drugged, THEN killed. But someone would have to know about Brolin's drinking and where his flask was hidden, so THAT person would need to know all the backstage secrets of the church and have access to everything without arousing suspicion... hmmm. Hmmmm.

GLENN CLOSE

(merrily accessing everything as part of her daily routine)

La dee da!

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BROLIN FAMILY TOMB, THE NEXT DAY

Everyone gathers to witness DEAD BROLIN be sealed into the tomb next to his dead granddad.

JOSH O'CONNOR

Maybe this is a good time to pay lip service to the other suspects.

CAILEE SPAENY, ANDREW SCOTT, KERRY WASHINGTON, THOMAS HADEN CHURCH, AND JEREMY RENNER

(wave to camera in background)

DARYL MCCORMACK

Ooh allow me! I have a recording of a big angry meeting where Brolin gave everyone in the room motive to kill him, can I share?

DANIEL CRAIG

Does it re-contextualize stuff we've already seen while also bouncing around in the timeline? Then HELLS yes!

JOSH BROLIN

(in recording)

You all suck, especially Kerry! I'm gonna ruin you, Andrew and Jeremy! Plus I'm gonna close the church, and fire Close and Church! Mwah ha ha. Me and Daryl, who turns out to be my secret son WHAAAAT, are gonna become political powerhouses with a certain vast sum of money I'm about to find, somehow, mwah ha ha!!

JOSH O'CONNOR

That vast sum of money must be the missing family fortune! Apparently it's connected to something called "Eve's Apple" but the only clue is this paperweight with "Eve's Apple" written on it--

DANIEL CRAIG

(grabs paperweight)

(smashes it)

(drives steamroller over it)

(explodes it with 20kT nuclear warhead)

(gathers particles and puts them through that Watchmen machine that broke down Dr. Manhattan into component sub-particles)

(examines)

It's not in there.

JOSH O'CONNOR

Well shit, we're out of leads... hey, this invoice says the tomb equipment was ordered BEFORE Brolin died! Which, if that was the killer, seems odd not to wait until after the murder.

DANIEL CRAIG

Obviously the culprit, while planning this intricate scheme, had a colossal brain fart and left their name on a damning piece of evidence for no reason! Quick, call the equipment rental!

JOSH O'CONNOR

(dials)

Hello Tomb Equipment Rentals Ltd.? I need a staggeringly vital clue to help solve a dastardly crime!

UNBILLED CHARACTER ACTOR BRIDGET EVERETT

(over phone)

Oh my. A dastardly crime you say? Perhaps the crime of... STEALING THE ENTIRE MOVIE FROM RIGHT UNDER YOUR GODDAMN NOSE?!?

DETECTIVE SILLYTALK

(blinks)

Whaa.. wait what just happened? Why'd this random side role get credited by name, and where'd MY name go...

NEWLY MINTED RED CARPET LEAD ACTRESS BRIDGET EVERETT

Sorry folks this is MY movie now. If O'Connor does his part of this scene well enough then MAYBE I'll consider giving it back. MWAH HA HA HA

(lightning flash!)

However GOOD-ACTING-PARTNER JOSH bears down and holds up his end of the scene sufficiently for BRIDGET to allow the movie to resume OFFBEAT MURDER MYSTERY MODE starring DANIEL CRAIG.

JOSH O'CONNOR

Well I don't know if I WANT to return to offbeat murder mystery mode! I'm off to walk and sulk a while, broodily!

EXT. A DARK AND, DARE WE SAY, STORMY NIGHT

O'CONNOR happens to go by the TOMB in time to see the DOOR OPEN from the INSIDE, and a figure who FROM A DISTANCE SURE LOOKS LIKE JOSH BROLIN emerges! O'CONNOR rushes to investigate but is PUNCHED OUT!

JOSH O'CONNOR

Ow! Must hallucinate stabbing Josh Brolin in the strobiest way possible, for some reason!

He wakes up next to THOMAS HADEN CHURCH who's been STABBED DEAD OHNO!

JOSH O'CONNOR

Fuck, I guess I sleep-murdered him while unconscious? That's gotta be it, time to turn myself in.

SEASON SIX BUFFY SUMMERS

Actually, word of advice--

DANIEL CRAIG

HOLD ON HOLD ON GOOD JOSH! Yes I'm calling you Good Josh because I've suddenly become convinced you're innocent again. Come with me to the finale!

INT. BACK AT THE CHURCH, A FEW SCENES LATER

DANIEL gathers ALL THE REMAINING CHARACTERS back at the church for the BIG FINISH!

DANIEL CRAIG

So, we went to Jeremy's house and found Dead Brolin slumped over an acid bath with another corpse inside. We know that one was Renner because his wedding ring survived.

CAILEE SPAENY

Or maybe that was his WIFE and she DIDN'T actually leave him, Renner MURDERED her and-

DANIEL CRAIG

No no it's too late in the movie for any more of that, we can accept things at face value from here on out. In fact, it's time for my BIG EXPLANATION--

(pause)

Actually no fuck that. I failed, sorry everyone. Movie over!

Everyone LEAVES muttering things about how sometimes you just want the trope delivered to you classic style.

JOSH O'CONNOR

...the fuck was that?

DANIEL CRAIG

Well, I could lay out my whole theory but it might be tricky to actually prove anything. However, if the culprit has a chance to do a big huge confession scene, they might not be able to resist...

(pause)

(pause)

GLENN CLOSE

(bursting out of hymnal)

FUCK IT FINE IT WAS ME, ahhh you're right I can't resist the chance to carry this huge final reveal! I've known all along that Eve's Apple was in the tomb, and when I told Brolin I realized he was going to take it and ruin everything, so I killed him with Renner's help!

DANIEL CRAIG

So you poisoned Brolin...

GLENN CLOSE

Yes, and sewed a bladeless duplicate hilt onto his robes, painted the same colour so nobody would notice. Unless at some point Brolin sat in a chair and was like "what's this lump on my back?" which luckily did not happen.

JOSH O'CONNOR

And the radio signal...

GLENN CLOSE

Was Renner, activating a blood squib that I also attached to the robes. And as a backup plan I also sewed a few hand grenades and a running lawnmower on there, I mean at that point why the fuck not.

MILA KUNIS

So Renner swapped the hilt for the full dagger while you distracted everyone, killing Brolin for reals. Then at the funeral you did a last-second swap of Church for Brolin, somehow sloughing two large men in and out of a hinge-door wooden coffin in the blink of an eye, while a whole crowd of people standing directly outside heard nothing at all.

GLENN CLOSE

Precisely. Then Thomas got the jewel and opened the tomb, still disguised as Brolin so that we could milk the whole resurrection angle for new business. Nothing better for a murder scheme than international publicity!

JOSH O'CONNOR

But Renner got greedy, stabbed Church and framed me, then was GOING to poison you but you poisoned him first!

GLENN CLOSE

Yes, he put poison in my tea, and then stupidly used identical mugs for us both, so that I could easily switch them. Then I acid-washed him and here we are!

DANIEL CRAIG

Well thank you for all that, and also for taking JUST ENOUGH poison before confessing, to give you time to explain the solution to us first.

GLENN CLOSE

You're welcome. Though I guess I only took THAT poison when I thought you were going to reveal everything, and then you didn't, so whoops. Ack urg blorp

(dies)

(Eve's Apple gem tumbles from hand!)

JOSH O'CONNOR

Oh that was nice of her to bring that along.

INT. THE CHURCH, THE NEXT DAY

Now firmly established as GOOD JOSH, O'CONNOR renames the church after BROLIN'S ACTUALLY GOOD MOM and embarks on a NEW TAYLOR-SWIFTIAN ERA of GOODNESS, YAY!

JOSH O'CONNOR

Still a Catholic church though, gotta work on that.

DARYL MCCORMACK

Grrr I know you must have that jewel O'Connor! It's rightfully mine, and I swear one day you'll slip up and I'll get it from you!

JOSH O'CONNOR

Rage away kid. Even if I DID have the jewel, I'd hide it in such a cunning place nobody would EVER find it!

ENTIRE CONGREGATION

oh hey what's that big sparkly jewel thing mounted in the giant cross that we all stare directly at for several hours every week

DANIEL CRAIG

(facepalm)

END