FADE IN:

Someone in POST-PRODUCTION realizes they forgot the TRACKING WHITE DOT INTRO so it gets hastily tacked on without linking to anything.

DANIEL CRAIG

(firing towards camera)

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SHOOT THIS FUCKING GUY

EXT. MEXICO CITY

DANIEL CRAIG trails a VILLAIN to a BUILDING.

DIRECTOR SAM MENDES

Holy shit THAT'S dull. Hm, I'll add a Birdman-style looooong tracking shot, and give Daniel a nameless fucktoy-du-jour to blow off, that'll fix it!

DANIEL CRAIG

(spying)

And now a rare example of superspy James Bond actually doing some spying.

(pause)

Fuck this.

DANIEL shoots a BOMB which CAUSES THE BUILDING TO EXPLODE and FALL ON HIM, killing HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN THE STREETS BELOW but most importantly JAMES BOND SURVIVES!

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

DANIEL CRAIG

Welp, looks like my work here is done.

MAIN BAD GUY HE ACTUALLY WANTED TO KILL

(is totally fine)

DANIEL CRAIG

Whoopsie!

The BAD GUY gets in a HELICOPTER!

DANIEL CRAIG

Ah, the classic Bond-villain mistake: providing a reason to use my unparalleled vehicular-mayhem powers!

(leaps into copter)

DANIEL kicks the BAD GUY out of the HELICOPTER, and then the PILOT because he is an IDIOT, but at the last second DANIEL remembers he is of course a BRILLIANT HELICOPTER PILOT and smoothly flies off into the INTRO SEQUENCE.

EXT. OPENING CREDITS

The standard-issue IMPRESSIONISTIC TITLE SEQUENCE gets spiced up with some CREEPY TENTACLE PORN just to see if you're paying attention.

SAM SMITH

(singing)

One more go with Daniel;

Will it trip and fall?

How do we wring

Life out of Bond?

All the old tropes are suffocating;

The same old beats,

Worn-out plots;

Tell me, is this

Where we jump the shark?

We pray good casting will prevail;

But the writing's going to fail...

INT. RALPH FIENNES'S OFFICE

DANIEL CRAIG

Sorry about that totally accidental movie-opening action set piece, sir. Won't happen again. Seriously, after this movie I'm fucking done.

(pisses on set)

RALPH FIENNES

Oh God, really? You weren't on an official mission, you're going rogue? Why does every fucking spy movie nowadays have to be going rogue or the agency's destroyed or whatnot? The "organizing" part of spy organizations is IMPORTANT, DAMMIT!!

(throws up hands)

Fuck it, whatever. Here's the new government guy, he's Andrew Scott who played Moriarty on Sherlock and is obviously evil.

ANDREW SCOTT

(appearing in puff of brimstone)

HellOOOOOooooooooooo.

RALPH FIENNES

And here's your new assignment. I hope you saw Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, because it's the exact same fucking plot but with a less interesting female lead. Yay us!

Suddenly NAOMIE "MONEYPENNY" HARRIS manages to PRY HERSELF off of the SECRETARY DESK she was GLUED TO at the end of the last movie.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Daniel, you're back! I have a package for you, it's various pieces of SKYFALL that have been burnt and torn and thrown randomly in a box, a shockingly similar process to how this movie was written.

DANIEL CRAIG

Thanks. You should know, Judi Dench left me a video saying that killing Mexico Bad Guy would flush out the head of SPECTRE. Why she didn’t mention that when she was alive is not for mere mortals like us to understand.

INT. Q DIVISION - NEXT MORNING

DANIEL CRAIG'S SMUG-ASS SMIRK saunters into Q DIVISION and eventually the REST OF DANIEL CRAIG follows suit.

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

BEN WISHAW

Ah, there you are, 007. I'm going to inject nanobots into your blood so we can track your movements, and inject another dose into your sperm so we can track who'll be needing therapy and/or funeral arrangements.

DANIEL CRAIG

Nice. Can I take a few syringes of that to inject my enemies with? It'd be awesome to know exactly where they are at all times. In case, say, they sneak onto the same train as me.

BEN WISHAW

Don't be silly. Now over here is an awesome new car that you also can't have. But you DO get this watch. The alarm's a little loud, if you know what I mean.

DANIEL CRAIG

I do. In fact, from your inflection I've figured out what it does, how to arm it, and also what the delay timer is set to. Now would you mind not tracking me for a few days?

BEN WISHAW

I can't, I'd be going against direct orders and could be found guilty of treason and--

DANIEL CRAIG

C'MMONNNNNNNNNN

BEN WISHAW

Okay.

To repay BEN for his loyalty, and maintain his cover of just biding his time following orders, DANIEL proceeds to STEAL THE FUCK out of the NEW EXPENSIVE SPY CAR which also advances his third goal of BEING A TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.

EXT. FUNERAL - ITALY

DANIEL goes to MEXICO BAD GUY'S funeral and finds MONICA BELLUCCI!

DANIEL CRAIG

A Bond Girl who's actually pretty close to James Bond's age? Intriguing. So, do you come here often?

MONICA BELLUCCI

To my husband's funeral? Get lost, you Patrick Bateman motherfucker.

MONICA goes home and stands by her POOL. Two HITMEN appear behind her!

HITMEN

Um, are we really not supposed to notice Daniel Craig standing directly between us, out in the open?

(are shot)

Oooookay then....

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

MONICA BELLUCCI

I should hate you. With my husband dead, my life is now forfeit. Of course my killers helpfully waited until you could get here, but still.

DANIEL CRAIG

Well then. You've got no reason not to tell me everything, so please do.

MONICA BELLUCCI

Of course. Here's where you can find the people who wanted me dead.

DIRECTOR SAM MENDES

Cut! Great work guys. Now do the scene again, with exactly the same line readings and facial expressions, but also fuck.

INT. SECRET SPOOKY SPECTRE SUMMIT

DANIEL flashes the SPECTRE RING he took from THE GUY SPECTRE KNOWS IS DEAD and walks into the meeting in progress.

SINESTRA VON SPECTRELADY

So to summarize, Operation Starbucks Sacrilege and Operation Baby Hitler are well on schedule. What's next on the agenda?

DAMIAN Z. SPECTREGUY

We need someone to replace Mexico Bad Guy as Head of Latin American Evil. The position requires superior organizational skills, extensive criminal contacts, and long-term strategic planning ability, so if anyone interested could submit their resume to--

DAVE BAUTISTA

(pile-drives SPECTREGUY from the top rope)

(to death)

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

(in shadow)

Excellent. You're hired.

SINESTRA VON SPECTRELADY

We weren't expecting you, Mr. Blofeld! Welcome to-

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

(holding newspaper in front of face)

What?! No! I’m totally not Blofeld why would you think I’m Blofeld my name is Franz Deutschland Volkswagon the Third I don’t even know who Blofeld is that’s silly.

SINESTRA VON SPECTRELADY

Hmm, an acclaimed villain actor enters the James Bond franchise as the shadowy head of SPECTRE, the same year the legal rights to the Blofeld character reverted to MGM. Who could you possibly be?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

(behind cluster of helium balloons)

What I am, is thrilled that Daniel walked straight into our trap! Get him!!

DANIEL demolishes TWO RANDOM GOOBERS and runs towards his TOTALLY UNGUARDED CAR while some OTHER GOONS shoot at him from SEVEN HUNDRED FEET AWAY.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

What can I say, we suck at traps.

DANIEL CRAIG

Why are your guards even trying to shoot me if you have an elaborate plan to keep me alive?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I dunno, why are you running away when you're going to walk right back into my lair later?

DANIEL CRAIG

I think we know the answer to BOTH those questions is that we need an extended car commercial, er, chase.

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

DANIEL DRIVES OFF! DAVE BAUTISTA DRIVES AFTER HIM! DANIEL DRIVES and DAVE DRIVES and they DRIVE AND DRIVE AND DRIVE and drive and drive and drive and drive and keep driving and drive and drive some more until finally DANIEL calls up NAOMIE out of sheer fucking boredom.

DANIEL CRAIG

Please tell me you're doing something more interesting, like cooking dinner or watching ice melt.

NAOMIE HARRIS

I'll do better than that! By giving you new information mid-chase, we can distract the audience from knowing where the hell I got it from!

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

DANIEL tries various GIMMICKS in the CAR which do NOTHING, until finally working his way to the EJECT BUTTON which promises a REALLY COOL CHASE-ENDING STUNT but sadly DIRECTOR SAM MENDES chooses that moment to watch GODZILLA 2014 so we cut away without actually seeing the big payoff.

INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ

ANDREW SCOTT

Bwah ha ha. Soon these nine countries will vote to combine our spy networks, which will be under my control for some reason.

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

RALPH FIENNES

Dammit Andrew. Our single-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is vital for safety and democracy and puppies and cake. But your NINE-country unaccountable shadow surveillance network is pure festering shit-stained evil. Me and Ben and Naomie, who are apparently the only three people who actually DO anything around here, will stop you.

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

RALPH FIENNES

OH COME ON, HE'S NOT EVEN HERE FOR CHRISSAKE

EXT. REMOTE LAKE

DANIEL, who has somehow acquired a BOAT and a NEW OUTFIT, goes to the cabin NAOMIE told him about. It is full of CAMERAS and SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT and also MR WHITE from the WORST DANIEL CRAIG BOND FILM.

DANIEL CRAIG

Oh crap, you again? Please tell me I don't have to remember what happened in Quantum of fucking Solace.

JESPER CHRISTENSEN

Listen Daniel, you must keep my daughter safe and away from all this. I'll tell you where to find her, she can lead you to something called Lamericain.

(pause)

Of course I also know what Lamericain is, and where it is, and exactly what you need to find there. So I could just tell you that and leave my daughter out of this completely. But, y'know.

DANIEL CRAIG

Am I seriously supposed to pretend that I think Lamericain is some asshole's name, when it is obviously the name of some cafe or hotel somewhere called "L'Americain"? There is nobody called Lamericain anywhere on Earth.

JESPER CHRISTENSEN

Just go with it.

(kills self)

DANIEL CRAIG

Damn. With his dying breath he trusted me with his daughter's safety. Guess I should take two minutes to destroy the tapes downstairs with all the info on them.

(pause)

Fuck that.

(couriers tapes to Dave Bautista)

INT. SUPER EXCLUSIVE HEALTH MOUNTAINTOP SKI TREATMENT HEALTH SPA MEDICAL CLEANSE HEALTH RESORT WHATNOT PLACE HEALTH

DANIEL shows up in the office of LEA SEYDOUX.

LEA SEYDOUX

Thanks for filling out this enormous assream of forms, Mr. Bond.

DANIEL CRAIG

No problem. And now to thoroughly blow my cover, making all that time I spent filling out forms a total waste.

(pause)

Your Dad sent me here.

LEA SEYDOUX

Fuck you and the daddy issues you rode in on! My Dad abandoned me to be evil, but I'm not evil and hate him, but I also resent him for leaving me, and you didn't kill him when you had the chance but maybe you also killed him and FUCK YOU I HAVE DEPTH!

DANIEL goes looking for HARD LIQUOR at the HEALTH JUICE BAR because LOOK VODKA COMES FROM POTATOES AND GRAINS AND SHIT OKAY, IT MIGHT WORK, I NEEDS ME THAH SWEET SWEET SAUCE

DANIEL CRAIG

(coolly)

One martini, shaken not stirred.

BARTENDER

Uh, are we doing any kind of spin or re-interpretation or anything on that?

DANIEL CRAIG

Fuck no. We've reached the point where Bond things happen just because Bond things are supposed to happen.

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

BEN WISHAW

Surprise, it's me! I tracked you down with your nanoblood. Though the fact you cunningly signed into this clinic under YOUR OWN NAME would have done just as well. Now listen, 007, you need to abandon this foolishness or the full weight of Her Majesty's Government will--

DANIEL CRAIG

C'MMONNNNNNNNNNNN

BEN WISHAW

--how can I help?

DANIEL CRAIG

There's someone called Lamericain which I KNOW I KNOW IT'S STAGGERINGLY OBVIOUSLY A CAFE OR HOTEL SOMEWHERE but please help me pretend it's not? Also could you analyze this SPECTRE membership ring that looks like it came from a Goth's junk drawer circa 1993.

BEN WISHAW

(analyzing)

My God, somehow this ring links to the DNA of every villain from the last three movies, even Quantum which is now a person and not a group, or something?!? Oh and all the DNA links to Christoph Waltz too, what the hell have they been doing with this ring?!? Is this SPECTRE's version of the toothbrush prank?

DANIEL CRAIG

Wait, Bautista and some goons just grabbed Lea! It's chase time!!

DANIEL steals a PLANE and just KEEPS CRASHING THE FUCK OUT OF IT until DANIEL WINS!!

LEA SEYDOUX

Wow, everyone's dead or comatose except me!

(winks)

DANIEL CRAIG

Guess I should take two minutes to make sure all the bad guys are finished off.

(pause)

Fuck that.

DAVE BAUTISTA

(totes dead and completely not going to reappear in this picture OH WAIT HE'S WAKING UP DUN DUN DUN!)

EXT. HOT CLIMATE CITY SO AS TO CONTRAST WITH PREVIOUS COLD CLIMATE LOCATION

DANIEL and LEA continue their desperate flight from SPECTRE by ACQUIRING A WHOLE NEW WARDROBE and then going to "Lamericain" which HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A HOTEL OHMIGOD NO FUCKING WAY DUUUUUUUDE

DANIEL CRAIG

(searching room)

Hey, alcohol!

(guzzles)

LEA SEYDOUX

You'd think that almost dying from poisoned booze in Casino Royale would teach you not to randomly drink shit you find in a villain's hideout.

DANIEL CRAIG

You'd think.

(pause)

Now since your Dad wanted us to come here, and find the information we need to keep you safe, obviously he ALSO mentioned the secret room.

LEA SEYDOUX

Of course! It would be fucktacularly idiotic if he didn't.

They use the SECRET ROOM to find the location of the SPECTRE HIDEOUT!

INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ

ANDREW SCOTT disbands RALPH'S entire spy organization, SHITS in his TEA, and rigs his NETFLIX account to show only WRATH OF THE TITANS.

RALPH FIENNES

(archly)

Un-elect-ed.

INT. TRAIN EN ROUTE TO SUPER SECRET SPECTRE SANCTUARY -- DINING CAR

DANIEL in his FANCY NEW FITTED TUX meets up with LEA in her ELEGANT NEW EVENING GOWN.

LEA SEYDOUX

No really, where the hell are all these clothes coming from?

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME

WAITER

Welcome. Today's special is salmon truffle fettucine with a white wine demiglaze. The soup is leek and onion, but perhaps I can first offer an amuse-bouche of DAVE BAUTISTA WAILING ON YOUR SORRY ASS

DAVE BAUTISTA rushes in and WAILS ON DANIEL CRAIG'S SORRY ASS, demolishing HALF THE TRAIN without any other PASSENGERS or CREW getting in the way or noticing or giving a shit or existing. Finally LEA SHOOTS him, giving DANIEL time to attach DAVE to some BARRELS that turn a CRANK that turns a GEAR that knocks over a BUCKET that hits a BATHTUB that pivots a SEESAW that drops a CAGE that THROWS DAVE OFF THE TRAIN!

DAVE BAUTISTA

I am Groot. Wait, shit, that's not--

(dies for real)

(probably)

DIRECTOR SAM MENDES

We've gone too long without fucking! Someone fuck!

DANIEL CRAIG

How about it Lea? Care to re-enact Blue is the Warmest Color?

LEA SEYDOUX

Consider my Safe Search off!

EXT. DESOLATE DESERT TRAIN STATION - NEXT MORNING

CRAIG and LEA casually disembark along with their brand new nine-piece luggage set.

FUCKED-TO-SHIT TRAIN

Later.

(saunters off)

LEA SEYDOUX

Wait wait wait we have LUGGAGE?!? Where and how and why and when did we get fucking LUGGAGE?!

DANIEL CRAIG

(shrugs)

A CAR arrives and takes them to CHRISTOPH'S LAIR, which is PERFECTLY HIDDEN from the SIDE and TOTALLY NOT HIDDEN AT ALL from ABOVE, so lucky for SPECTRE that SPY SATELLITES don't exist.

INT. STEVE JOBS TRIBUTE ROOM

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

It was me, Daniel. The author of all your pain. Everything is connected.

DANIEL CRAIG

How exactly? Other than you showing up and saying so, I mean.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

IT JUST IS OKAY. You think it's a coincidence all your women wind up dead?

DANIEL CRAIG

Well not Olga Kurylenko, in fact we still exchange postcards and do a Skype chat every Christmas. Oh, and that Mexican girl from the cold open is still alive.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

You think you're so smart. But what if I show you both the tape of Lea's Dad killing himself?

(shows video)

LEA SEYDOUX

OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED EXACTLY THE WAY DANIEL SAID NOOOOOOO

DANIEL CRAIG

HOW DARE YOU CONFIRM MY VERSION OF EVENTS YOU BASTAAARD

(knocked out)

INT. BRITISH INTELLIGENCE HQ

ANDREW SCOTT dumps WET CEREAL all over RALPH'S HEAD, then KICKS him right in the BALLS.

RALPH FIENNES

(archly)

De-mo-cra-cy.

INT. INEVITABLE TORTURE SEQUENCE

DANIEL awakens to find he has been strapped to a DENTIST’S CHAIR while CHRISTOPH and a TOTALLY UNRESTRAINED LEA sit nearby.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I'm going to fry your brain with this crazy elaborate dentist drill, hee hee! But don't worry, the first few attempts will be test runs that do utterly no damage.

DANIEL CRAIG

Joke's on you, wanker. Most of my brain cells died from alcohol poisoning years ago.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Fine, I'll skip ahead to my big reveal.

(leans in towards Daniel)

My name... is... KHAAAANN sorry JOHN ROBIN BLAAAAKE shit MONEYPENNN goddamnit BLOFELD!!! Ernst Stavro Blofeld, back from legal purgatory baby! Sure I'm basically Javier Bardem's character all over again, but I’m totally Blofeld. I even have a cat and a Nehru collar.

LEA SEYDOUX

(yawns)

Quick get the smelling salts, I'm soooo stunned.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Oh, not twisty enough? Well I’m also James Bond’s adopted brother all of a sudden. Yes, by complete coincidence the world’s greatest villain and superspy happened to be raised by the same random German ski instructor. Go figure.

DANIEL CRAIG

Well this has been one big letdown. You don’t even have a scar. Lea, if you'd oblige?

LEA SEYDOUX

Mais oui.

LEA chucks DANIEL'S EXPLODING WATCH at CHRISTOPH which TOTALLY KILLS HIM FOR SURE ABSOLUTELY. DANIEL is suddenly FREE for some reason and the two ESCAPE by shooting exactly ONE PIPE which causes literally the ENTIRE BASE to EXPLODE.

DANIEL CRAIG

Workplace safety standards do not apply to evil desert bases, it seems.

LEA SEYDOUX

Yup, nothing’s more villainous than having your whole base detonate if one guard throws a cigarette into the wrong potted plant.

INT. SAFE HOUSE - LONDON

DANIEL and LEA rendezvous with RALPH & THE GANG.

RALPH FIENNES

Right, time we finally team up to stop Christoph and Andrew. Step one, let's get split up and deal with them separately.

RORY KINNEAR

(is in movie, allegedly)

LEA SEYDOUX

Also, I think now's the best time to break up with you, Daniel, and go wandering some dark alleys while both Big Bads are still on the loose.

DANIEL CRAIG

Sounds like a plan! Go team!

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, HEY REMEMBER WHEN CASINO ROYALE USED THE THEME EXACTLY ONE-AND-A-HALF TIMES? AH, MEMORIES

The SPY TEAM drives out and sure enough a TRUCK smashes into them and GOONS grab DANIEL! The others GET AWAY and go confront ANDREW SCOTT.

ANDREW SCOTT

Mwah ha, you're too late. Look, I've got a crazy elaborate countdown on a computer screen, nobody has EVER stopped one of those! We've won!

RALPH FIENNES

Not so fast. You see, by disbanding OUR organization you've made us ALL rogue agents, and hence, unstoppable!

(smugly)

You said my codename "M" stood for Moron. Well now we know what your codename "C" stands for.

(enormous pause)

ANDREW SCOTT

The entire theatre is waiting for you to say "Cunt", you realize that.

RALPH FIENNES

Oh, that's not--

ANDREW SCOTT

Cocksucker? Choad? Cumstain? Crap-chugger? Chickenshit? Colonface?

RALPH FIENNES

Gosh, that's all way better than what I came up with. Let's just fight.

RALPH and ANDREW fight like OLD-TIMEY VAUDVILLIANS until ANDREW finally slips on a BANANA PEEL and falls off a LEDGE.

ANDREW SCOTT

Hail Hydraaaaaaaaaaa

(splatters)

Meanwhile BEN WISHAW does TYPING and deals with all that surveillance network bullshit.

EXT. OLD BLOWN-UP SECRET AGENT BUILDING

DANIEL kills his GOON CAPTORS and faces the building.

DANIEL CRAIG

Might as well walk straight into a trap for a THIRD fucking time...

DANIEL follows some giant arrows that lead to a display of CHRISTOPH'S EVIL SCRAPBOOKING SKILLS.

DANIEL CRAIG

Yes yes, it's all fucking connected, WE GET IT.

(thinks)

Hey I used to work here. I should know this place inside and out, instead of following the arrows I should sneak around to where Christoph won't expect--

(pause)

Fuck that.

(shoots at Christoph)

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

(grinning)

Sorry, I'm behind bulletproof glass! I guess we're postponing our big final mano-a-mano fight just a LIIIIITTLE longer, and then keep postponing it, so that it never happens. Hey look, I have the Blofeld scar now!

DANIEL CRAIG

Don't get cocky. You can't think I'll let you just Waltz right out of here OH GOD I'M SORRY, I'M SO VERY SORRY EVERYONE

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Ouch, little brother. Well, time to blow up the building that got blown up last movie. Also Lea's here somewhere! I'm such an impish rascal, tee hee!! And evil. Pure, menacing evil. Don't forget.

(prances out)

DANIEL finds LEA with MAGIC, and they FLEE around a corner but forget to bring the MOVIE'S POV with them so we just stare at a wall for a bit. The building EXPLODES!!

CUE: JAMES BOND THEME, WHY NOT

DANIEL CRAIG

Oh look, we escaped on a boat we found somewhere? Well we may have once again cut away from the most exciting moment of that sequence, but now for my final showdown with Christoph! It'll be my marksmanship against his piloting skill...

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

(in helicopter)

Oh I'm not flying this. I'm just sitting in back. Doing nothing.

DANIEL CRAIG

Fuck, really?

DANIEL heroically SHOOTS DOWN CHRISTOPH but then heroically DOES NOT SHOOT CHRISTOPH.

DANIEL CRAIG

Well that does it for me. No more spying, thanks. I'm out.

(pause)

Except the original Goldfinger Aston Martin, I'd like to keep that expensive piece of government hardware please.

RALPH FIENNES

Fuck no, if you're retiring it would be utterly irresponsible of us to--

DANIEL CRAIG

C'MMMONNNNNNNNNNNNNN

END

INT. BONUS SCENE -- Q DIVISION -- LATE AT NIGHT

Hard at work, BEN looks up in surprise.

BEN WISHAW

Oh, 009! I wasn't expecting you, do come in.

IDRIS ELBA

(annoyed)

So... where's my car?

Okay that didn't happen BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING AWESOME.

END