FADE IN:

EXT. IRAQISTAN

BRADLEY COOPER is an AMERICAN SNIPER. DUH. He is watching over an approaching AMERICAN CONVOY.

BRADLEY COOPER

Hey look, there’s a guy on his cell phone eyeing the convoy. I’m pretty sure he’s a bad guy and I have been given permission to splatter his brains.

But BRADLEY hesitates and the PROBABLY BAD GUY tiptoes out of his view while twirling his MUSTACHE.

BRADLEY COOPER

Sigh, such is the moral burden of the sniper. I’ll be sure to shoot the very next bad guy no matter the gripping circumstances.

A WOMAN and a CHILD step out onto the street ahead of the convoy, which is still like 10 MILES AWAY.

BRADLEY COOPER

Hmm, nothing suspicious about that.

Then the WOMAN pulls out a key chain which just so happens to be in the shape of an EXPLOSIVE.

BRADLEY COOPER

What? People in the middle east can’t shop at novelty stores? I’m sure this is totally innocent.

Then the WOMAN hands the explosive to the CHILD and sends him RIGHT AT THE CONVOY.

BRADLEY COOPER

Oh come on! You can’t give me a faceless guy with an RPG or an AK 47 to be my very first kill? It just HAS to be a kid with a bomb? Well alright then.

BRADLEY is about to blow the CHILD’S LITTLE BRAINS OUT when we FLASHBACK!

EXT. BACKWATERVILLE, TEXAS - FLASHBACK

YOUNG BRADLEY is hunting with his HARDASS DAD.

YOUNG BRADLEY

Wow! I just shot and killed my very first deer!

HARDASS DAD

Yes, but you left your rifle on the ground. Now you will never have my love or approval. Also, given that I am a Texan it’s mandatory I express my hardon for Jesus and conservative Christian values by teaching you how everyone on God’s earth is either good, evil, or a pussy, and I ain’t raise’n no evil pussies. Now which one are you, son?

(places ass-whooping belt on table)

Oh, and the wrong answer wins you an ass beating.

YOUNG BRADLEY

Clearly I am destined to become a well-adjusted adult with direction and zero violent tendencies.

YOUNG BRADLEY immediately goes BATSHIT PSYCHO on a kid fighting his little brother YOUNG KEIR O’DONNELL.

HARDASS DAD

Thatta boy!

EXT. RODEO

YOUNG BRADLEY grows up to become THICK NECKED BRADLEY.

BRADLEY COOPER

I am an immature adult with no direction and violent tendencies. Who’da thunk it?

KEIR O'DONNELL

Also your girlfriend is kind of a hoe. I know this because we just caught her with another thick necked guy that wasn’t you.

BRADLEY COOPER

Well golly gee, if only God would send me a divine message to let me know what to do with my life.

NEWS REPORT

Despite the fact this film is itself little more than a recruitment/pro-war ad, it is actually real world tragedy that inspires you to join the service instead of a dude fighting a lava monster on a chess board.

EXT. BOOT CAMP

BRADLEY is being verbally assaulted and shot in the face with a fire hose by SERGEANT BLACKMAN.

SERGEANT BLACKMAN

NOT SO FUN NOW IS IT?!

BRADLEY COOPER

Thank you sir, may I have another?

SERGEANT BLACKMAN

Wow, you’re a real badass. Therefore you’ve earned a new love interest. Report to the Meet Cute scene, double time!

BRADLEY goes to a bar and approaches SIENNA MILLER.

SIENNA MILLER

I will display my attributes as fine relationship material by being a total bitch to every single man who approaches me because I just want to be left alone. Which is why I came to a crowded bar full of attractive single people.

BRADLEY COOPER

Well hello there, cutie pie. I’m a Navy Seal who loves his country.

SIENNA MILLER

I think Navy Seals who are exceedingly patriotic are the scum of the fucking earth.

BRADLEY COOPER

Marry me.

She DOES, but their underdeveloped romance is interrupted by SEPTEMBER 11th. BRADLEY is sent to war.

SIENNA MILLER

And while he’s busy doing that I’ll remain integral to the story by being a whiny nag. You know, like I usually am.

BRADLEY soon ends up back in the OPENING SCENE where he shoots the WOMAN and CHILD SUICIDE BOMBERS.

BRADLEY’S SPOTTER

Fuck yeah! High five bro!

BRADLEY COOPER

Holy shit you are annoying. Guys like you are the reason why everyone thinks Americans are heartless assholes, now shut the fuck up while I quietly contemplate how my first two war kills are of a woman and a kid.

CHRIS KYLE

DEATH TO ALL THOSE INHUMAN SAVAGES!

BRADLEY COOPER

Hey, quiet you. I’m trying to present the more idealized and emotionally conflicted version of you, which I will demonstrate by questioning my decision to end human lives.

(pause)

Okay enough of that shit, let’s kill these sumbitches! Ooh-Rah!

BRADLEY goes on a MASSIVE 100+ KILLING SPREE which mostly involves BRADLEY laying down quietly and peeing has pants for several hours.

SIENNA MILLER

(on sat-phone)

Bradley, I’m almost ready to give birth to our first fake plastic baby. You need to stop being a decorated war hero and start living a boring civilian life with me.

BRADLEY COOPER

No.

SIENNA MILLER

Well I tried. At least your position as a sniper keeps you out of harm’s way more so than if you were on the ground with the other troops.

BRADLEY COOPER

Hey, good idea!

SIENNA MILLER

Wait, that wasn’t I meant--

BRADLEY bravados his way into one of the GROUND UNITS and gets IMMEDIATELY IN HARM’S WAY and drops his SAT phone.

SIENNA MILLER

(still on sat-phone)

BRADLEY?! ARE YOU STILL THERE?! I JUST HEAR A LOT OF SHOOTING AND DEATH! HELLO?! I’M JUST GOING TO KEEP LISTENING TO THE BATTLE UNTIL YOU PICK UP THIS PHONE AND TELL ME YOU’RE OKAY!

But he NEVER DOES. SIENNA presumably spends the next several days thinking BRADLEY is dead because he NEVER BOTHERS TO CALL HER BACK.

BRADLEY COOPER

That husband of the year award is surely mine at this point!

(with pinky at corner of mouth)

As well as ANOTHER special award. Wink wink.

EXT. ‘MERICA

BRADLEY returns home and is greeted with a barrage of FROWNING.

SIENNA MILLER

Bradley, you clearly have PTSD so I’m going to trick you into seeing a doctor by faking going into labor, followed by actually going into labor, followed by delivering a hilariously fake plastic doll, followed by-- REALLY??? What the fuck Clint?!

BRADLEY COOPER

Hey! I thought I came home from the war so that I WOULDN’T get ambushed!

SIENNA gives birth to BRADLEY JR.

SIENNA MILLER

Bradley, this is the moment I pressured you into staying home, again.

BRADLEY COOPER

Isn’t this like the 5th time we’ve had this conversation? It’s not like I hid the fact I’m a solider, you knew what you were getting into.

SIENNA MILLER

But I’m a stereotypical Army wife, I can’t help it. Now it’s either you be with your family or continue being a soldier with a legendary kill count. Choose.

BRADLEY COOPER

Oh my God. Well when you put it that way there’s really only one choice I could possibly make.

EXT. IRAQISTAN

BRADLEY is BACK IN ACTION! But there is an INSURGENT SNIPER who is challenging BRADLEY’s KILL COUNT and trying to outdo his siblings DIVERGENT SNIPER and ALLEGIANT SNIPER.

INSURGENT SNIPER

Har har! I am Bradley’s rival and thus evil, you can tell by my pirate-esque bandanna, but I basically just do exactly what Bradley does minus killing any women or children. Wait, how am I the evil one here?

BRADLEY COOPER

You’re killing American soldiers.

INSURGENT SNIPER

Oh, right. Doi. But c’mon man, they’re my enemies, what did you expect? From my perspective I’m the sheepdog protecting the sheep from wolves like you.

BRADLEY COOPER

But the guys on your team are shooting innocent civilians that helped us.

INSURGENT SNIPER

You mean innocent civilians whose homes you personally busted into and forced at gunpoint to help you?

BRADLEY COOPER

Uuuhhh... well your guys also used power tools to cripple a small child, so you’re clearly evil.

INSURGENT SNIPER

I don’t see how that’s worse than murdering a kid by shooting him with a high powered rifle, but okay. I mean yeah he had an explosive but you could have just shot him in the arm or something instead of killing him.

BRADLEY COOPER

Look, would you just shut up and be a stereotypical villain already? Jesus fuck.

BRADLEY’S DOOMED SOLDIER FRIEND

Hey! I just bought my fiance an engagement ring! And she’s pregnant! And I just won the lottery! And I’m only 2 minutes away from retirement! What could possibly go wro

(is Wesley Sniped!)

BRADLEY COOPER

Oh no! Insurgent Sniper killed my Doomed Soldier Friend! Grr! I vow to get angry thick-necked revenge!

INT. ‘MERICA

BRADLEY COOPER

Buuuuut not right now, maybe later, let me spend some time being withdrawn and emotionally distant to my bland family first.

BRADLEY and BRADLEY JR are approached by a WAR VET whose life BRADLEY saved.

WAR VET

Greetings Bradley, I just wanted to say I am forever grateful for what you did and for your service to our country.

BRADLEY COOPER

(creepy blank stare)

WAR VET

Uh, yeah. You are a true American hero and I can not thank you enough for saving my bacon.

BRADLEY COOPER

(creepy blank stare)

WAR VET

Err, right.

(to Bradley Jr)

Did you know your daddy was asked to join The Avengers, but turned them down for not being half as badass as he is? That’s a true story.

BRADLEY COOPER

(creepy blank stare)

WAR VET

Okay, seriously dude, get your ass to the V.A. hospital and get some fucking help already.

BRADLEY COOPER

I am so racked with guilt over all the lives I couldn’t save like Doomed Solider Friend. I suppose I could go the Private Ryan route and honor them by living my life, or by going the Jeremy Renner route and returning to

EXT. IRAQISTAN

BRADLEY COOPER

COMBAT!!!!!!!

BRADLEY self-medicates his POST TRAUMATIC STRESS by applying some CURRENT TRAUMATIC STRESS. He shoots an INSURGENT who was about to RPG the fuck out of an AMERICAN CONVOY. Then a KID tries to pick up the dead guy’s RPG, which is comically 14 times bigger than the kid.

Somehow, absolutely NO ONE sees this besides BRADLEY.

BRADLEY COOPER

Don't do it kid. I'm a stone cold killer now, and despite the fact you are a child, you are not an American child so the audience has basically given me their silent permission to splatter your brains.

BRADLEY is about to SHOOT! But the KID drops the RPG and skedaddles.

BRADLEY COOPER

Phew!

(to the audience)

Holy shit, were you really going to let me shoot that kid? Holy fuck no wonder I got that Oscar nomination!

Then BRADLEY must have a final showdown with the EVIL INSURGENT SNIPER.

INSURGENT SNIPER

Har har! I’ve evilly shot American soldiers, evilly!

BRADLEY COOPER

And now I will shoot you from over a mile away because I have acquired James McAvoy powers from Wanted so you're dead asshole.

INSURGENT SNIPER

Fuuuuuuuuuuck!

(is shot with Acme bullet)

And so BRADLEY returns home to his family and helps out at the V.A. hospital and absolutely NOTHING about the nature of Chris Kyle's death is mentioned because FUCK YOU THEY WANTED A HAPPY ENDING FUCK YOU.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

But... But where was the anti-war message and Bush-bashing that I would have most likely included when I was attached to direct this film?

CLINT EASTWOOD

Sorry Stevie, but God-fearing Americans don’t want to watch anti-war films that make them feel guilty, they want to watch sheepdogs protecting them from the wolves of the world.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

You mean while completely ignoring the fact the shepherd lied about which wolves attacked the sheep which resulted in thousands of dead sheepdogs?

CLINT EASTWOOD

ESPECIALLY while ignoring that fact.

Even though nearly every other film about the Iraq war has been a FINANCIAL FAILURE, this one goes on to make over $360 MILLION WORLDWIDE!

STEVEN SPIELBERG

IT FUCKING WHAT?! Thanks a lot Invisible Obama!

END