TITLE CARD: HELLO AUDIENCE AND WELCOME TO THE I.S.S. MOVIE.

THIS MOVIE TAKES PLACE ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION, OR I.S.S. FOR SHORT.

SO WHEN WE SAY I.S.S. WE MEAN THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.

ANYHOO THE I.S.S. (REMEMBER, THAT MEANS INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION) HAS BOTH AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS AND RUSSIAN COSMONAUTS ON BOARD. AND SOMETIMES OTHER COUNTRIES VISIT BUT FUCK THEM.

ALSO REMEMBER THE SOYUZ TRANSPORT CAPSULE FROM "GRAVITY"? WE HAVE THAT TOO! NOW ON WITH OUR MERRY TALE...

FADE IN:

INT. I.S.S.

American astronauts ARIANA DEBOSE and JOHN GALLAGHER JR. arrive in the SOYUZ CAPSULE and board the INTERWHATEVER SOMETHING SOMETHING.

PILOU ASBAEK

Greetings welcome! Note that I did three knocks on the hatch first as per Russian custom, also because two knocks would make the taxi leave and four knocks would mean the Doctor is about to tragically regenerate.

MASHA MASHKOVA

So nice to have you on board, especially as it creates exactly equal numbers of Americans and Russians if that should become relevant for whatever reason!

COSTA RONIN

I am third Russian on board, but obviously not the evil one because check out Game of Thrones over there, he was so evil on that show, right?

CHRIS MESSINA

I'm your American captain, and despite my moustache I swear this is happening in the present day.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Well it's great to be here! I can't wait to start working alongside y'all even though my spoken Russian is dogshit. Yes as a fully trained astronaut I would know some Russian but as a favour to our audience let's stick to mostly English.

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

I'm looking forward to continuing my research into being a slightly awkward Nice Guy and the effect of zero gravity on my ability to generate red flags.

(grins)

I brought presents for everyone! Booze for the Russkies of course, and for Ariana here is a VERY STRONG lanyard made from a VERY STRONG material, maybe circle that in your inventory.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Thanks! Let's have a taste of that booze WHOOOPS IT'S FLOATING BUBBLES oh come on how the fuck did I not know that would happen, that is like the one thing everyone knows. It happened when fucking Tintin went to space fucking SEVENTY YEARS AGO and that was FOR KIDS. SO I THINK A MODERN DAY FULLY GROWN ASTRONAUT WOULD FUCKING KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT FUCKING ZERO FUCKING GRAVITY THAT

INT. THE I.S.S. - HOURS LATER

The new arrivals begin SETTLING IN amongst the happy harmonious crew.

CHRIS MESSINA

Here's your sleeping closet, here's the controls to the giant robot arm including "karate chop" and "haymaker punch" buttons, and here's your lab area. If the low-pitched faint hum ever stops it means the life support is off, so keep an ear out.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Won't there also be tons of alarms and warnings and such if the life support is gone?

CHRIS MESSINA

(shrugs)

Last thing, remember we don't talk any politics up here. And why would we, we've all worked together and bonded and are devoted to our work so why would we immediately throw all that aside over political differences? Ha ha ha.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Okay great! Time to pop my lab rats into this zero-G cage that has exactly one surface to grip onto, you get one shot at a foothold assholes good luck BYYEEEEEE

(zooms off weightlessly)

LAB RATS

(floating)

Right fuck this, I vote we respond to the traumatic disruption of our habitat by tearing each other apart NOT THAT WE'RE FORESHADOWING ANYTHING

While the rats set about rending each other limb-from-limb, the humans go have a looksie at EARTH from the handy EARTH-VIEWING CUPOLA.

CHRIS MESSINA

Gorsh Earth sure is purty from up here. Really shows you how we're all in this together as people regardless of arbitrary lines on maps. We've had a lot of time up here to really absorb this message, just saying.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Aw look at all the pretty lights! That big cluster of lights must be New York. And that big orangey one is a volcano maybe? Ooh look someone took the top off the world's largest lava lamp. And that must be the big fire-eaters' convention all belching fire together. And over there someone must have tried taking a Cybertruck through a car wash, and over there... wwwaaaaaaiiiiit a second....

(realizes)

Things going boom in Ame-ri-ca!

Mushroom clouds bloom in Ame-ri-ca!

Serious gloom in Ame-ri-ca!

I think they're doomed in Ame-ri-ca!

Everyone RUSHES to their respective USA/RUSSIA communications boards really really hoping to see a message saying HA HA YOU'VE BEEN PUNKD, GOOD ONE RIGHT, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ALL THE PLANNING IT TOOK TO PULL THAT OFF.

CHRIS MESSINA

(quietly)

Bad news, I just got orders to take control of the ISS by Any Means Necessary. I can't believe I'm saying this but we might...

(chokes on words)

...we might have to... challenge the Russians to SHERLOCK HOLMES CONSULTING DETECTIVE BLRFFFFF

(barely contains vomit)

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

(aghast)

OH GOD NO are you kidding me, that game is SO DRY sure it rates well on BGG but it's just reading paragraphs and combing through newspapers and address books and Masha ALWAYS uses funny voices with bad accents and YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS

ARIANA DEBOSE

(freaking out)

Plus it's IMPOSSIBLE to solve anything as fast as Sherlock and the supplemental bonus questions are SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING

CHRIS MESSINA

LOOK IT WAS ALREADY HERE WHEN I ARRIVED OKAY AND I DIDN'T HAVE ROOM IN MY ALLOTMENT TO BRING UP ANYTHING BETTER

ARIANA DEBOSE

(composing herself)

OKAY OKAY let's just calm down. Those are your friends over there. You must have talked about what to do if something serious happened. Even if they got the same message, we can probably agree to just tell our respective countries we have control, and try and stall until some kind of resolution happens planetside. At which point we can all decide together what to do next.

CHRIS MESSINA

(thinks)

NAAAHHHHH let's keep this to ourselves and just act all nervous and shady, that will go MUCH better. Oh also, we're slowly falling out of orbit and gonna crash, because this is a movie.

COSTA RONIN

(floating up)

Hello friends! Diagnostics says one of the antennas is busted and only a red-blooded true American can fix, sorry. The antenna also self-destructs if more than one person goes outside the station, so...

CHRIS MESSINA

Guess it's gotta be me! And I guess there's no need to keep my secret relationship hidden any longer...

ARIANA DEBOSE

Dude, we all know you're smashing Masha, it's okay.

CHRIS MESSINA

Hm? No I mean I can admit to being in the "Julie" half of "Julie & Julia", you know, the shitty half that deprived the world of a full-length Streep Julia Child movie.

MASHA MASHKOVA

We all knew that too, just didn't want to say out loud. Be safe, don't leave giant pads of butter to melt all over delicate equipment!

(smooches Chris)

CHRIS heads OUTSIDE and radios with ARIANA.

CHRIS MESSINA

(on radio)

Welp, can confirm the surface of Earth is pretty fucked. Really thought this might finally be the Leafs' year... How about we chat about our personal lives, take my mind off the possible end of humanity?

ARIANA DEBOSE

Sure! And since my personal life in no way affects the story, might as well help out a historically underrepresented group by making my character gay...

(looks out window)

Huh, Florida just blew up some more. Hey Chris, keep an eye on Utah while I say "Trans Rights are Human Rights"-

CHRIS MESSINA

(on radio)

Sorry, little tied up at the moment. Or rather NOT tied up, I attached my tether like five struts away for some reason and rather than adjust it I just cut loose! Anyway not to worry, it looks like someone is gonna help me reach the antenna by swinging the robot arm towards me like really really really fast, y'know that might be a bit TOO fast maybe we could

(cuts off!)

ARIANA DEBOSE

Chris! Shit, we lost contact! Anyone got a visual?!

COSTA RONIN

(painting windows black)

Nyet, can't see him. Sorry.

PILOU ASBAEK

(installing curtain rod over window)

(hanging curtain)

(drawing curtain closed)

No luck here either.

ARIANA DEBOSE

We gotta get out there and find Chris! I'll look in the main thruster exhaust, John you can check the spring-loaded-boxing-glove tube--

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

(taking Ariana aside)

Dammit Ariana I'm pretty sure the Russians killed Chris. We gotta figure out a plan.

They confer in ARIANA'S locker but MASHA arrives!

MASHA MASHKOVA

Costa just confessed that he killed Chris with the robot arm while Pilou cut the radio cable, so I'm on Team USA now! Howdy! Let's work together to survive this Crisis While Orbiting Earth.

ARIANA DEBOSE

Why does it even matter what happens to us, if everyone on Earth is as good as dead?

MASHA MASHKOVA

Because, ah...

(handed note)

Ooh, because Pilou has been working on a super duper magical radiation treatment that could save humanity, it's got Holy Grail water, Khanberbatch blood, AND Iron Man Extremis in it.

ARIANA DEBOSE

You're saying we have vials of "undo nuclear Armaggedon" on board? Cool!

MASHA MASHKOVA

Yep! So I figure, y'all take that to Earth while I distract my Russian comrades. Now let's see, need a good solid diversion. I know, I can use one of John's science flamethrowers and a handy gas leak to threaten to DETONATE THE ENTIRE STATION AROUND US WHEEEEEEEE

(conked on head!)

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

(setting down fire extinguisher)

Sorry but I don't think being vaporized will help us save Earth, and besides I'm not buying the whole magic vial story. C'mon Ariana, let's hide in a giant pile of garbage until Pilou and Costa die of old age.

Not having a better plan at the moment, they DO THIS. Elsewhere on board, PILOU and COSTA strategize.

PILOU ASBAEK

Argh, I never wanted to kill anyone! You said if I just cut off Chris's radio he'd wait patiently outside while we called a vote for who controls the station, and we'd win 3-2!

COSTA RONIN

Fine fine, you sulk here while I finish this. After all there's one of me and only two of them, should be a cakewalk. Or cakefloat I guess, zero G and all.

(floats away, evilly)

PILOU ASBAEK

This fucking sucks. Plus Masha died from her head wound so even if we COULD call a vote we'd be deadlocked at 2-2...

(sees something on monitor!)

Holy shit Chris IS still out there, patiently hanging out on a solar panel. Guess he just needed to "recharge", heh heh okay let's bring him in.

PILOU rescues CHRIS who is then able to rescue ARIANA and JOHN from COSTA in the nick of time!

CHRIS MESSINA

Hm, duty demands I lock up Costa for attempted murder and then lead the remaining team to try and survive. But it would really suck for Masha if she's the only one of us who dies, so FUCK YOU COSTA, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DEATH-DUEL IN THE ZERO-G CORRIDOR OF DEATH-DUELLING

(attacks!)

CHRIS locks himself and COSTA in the aforementioned CORRIDOR and they each STAB the other one and wind up in a FLOATING DEATH EMBRACE, so THAT was productive. The remaining crew BAG UP the corpses and settle into an uneasy truce.

ARIANA DEBOSE

(forced casual)

So haha, funny thing, I found a hidden message saying the miracle radiation cure DOES exist on board after all, haha, zany right?

PILOU ASBAEK

Well yeah I made it so obviously I knew it exists.

ARIANA DEBOSE

(giant frozen smile)

And it's not like any of us were going to grab all the vials and all the spacesuits and fuck the others over, after cramming all the evidence into their own sleep-locker first just to telegraph their intentions, right?

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

(projectile-spewing 50 red flags per second)

I don't know what you mean.

ARIANA DEBOSE

(knocks on table three times)

JOHN GALLAGHER JR.

The fuck you doing? I'm the one who originally told you the Russians use three knocks, if you're trying to signal Pilou of course I'm gonna pick up on that.

ARIANA DEBOSE

I need to use some nugget of info from Act One dammit!! Whatever then, PILOU FIGHT!!

Together PILOU and ARIANA manage to outfight JOHN, with ARIANA using her SUPER STRONG LANYARD to choke him out, so something from Act One DID help, after all!

PILOU ASBAEK

Phew! So now it's just us, what should we do next?

ARIANA DEBOSE

I vote we pile into Soyuz with the magic cure and try to land without any assistance from Ground Control, which I said earlier was incredibly reckless and almost guaranteed to fail.

PILOU ASBAEK

Ah but don't forget Masha said you just needed to believe in yourself, I'm sure we'll be fine! Who needs calibrations and co-ordinates when you've got self-respect! Let's do it!

They board SOYUZ and JETTISON, pausing only briefly to pick up SANDRA BULLOCK on their way to the surface.

I.S.S. RADIO

(crackling to life)

Attention ISS, this is Ground Control, we've re-established contact. And we've fixed your orbit even though everyone stopped giving a shit about that an hour ago.

(pause)

So yeah we're operational again, lots of important news to share as we guide you safely to the ground... wait did you assholes launch already? ...Well did you at least send a copy of Pilou's research notes to us first in case you crash and explode?!? ...Noooo of course not, had to 100% risk the fate of our species on an unguided descent which maybe that shit flies for fucking TINTIN but I MIGHT expect that FULLY GROWN FUCKING ADULT FUCKING ASTRONAUTS might have a LITTLE MORE FUCKING SENSE FOR FUCK'S

END