FADE IN:

EXT. TOKYO

The weather is SHITTY. It’s SHITTY WEATHER, all day every day. God has positioned his anus above TOKYO and opened it, covering everyone in weather diarrhea.

BOY meets GIRL at McDonald’s.

GIRL

Hi stranger! I bought you McDonald’s!

BOY

Oh my God. This is the best meal of my entire life. I've discovered true nirvana inside this Meal Number Two with Fries. I love you. I would kill for you.

(pulls out gun)

(romantically)

Suddenly a PEDOPHILE appears, but BOY scares him off with the gun! Having instigated a meet-cute, the PEDOPHILE leaves with no consequences at all. Strangely this sequence was NOT directed by American Republicans.

GIRL

Whew, I'm so glad I bought you that McDonald's. Now look at my superpowers! If I pray hard enough, I can briefly make the weather nice!

BOY

What the fuck Ooh I smell profit. People will pay us for sunny weather! Let's get on Patreon!

They make a bunch of money off their PRAY THE RAIN AWAY business, which nobody finds even slightly weird.

But after a while this makes the weather EXTRA SHITTY! HURRICANES! FLOODS! RISING SEA LEVELS!

GOD

Crap, my septic tank is leaking!

GIRL

Oh no! Look what our pursuit of money has done! I have to sacrifice myself to stop the shitty weather!

RIZ AHMED

So... STOPPING the climate apocalypse will sacrifice children's futures? I think that’s backwards.

ALLISON BRIE

No, look, it worked! Girl let herself get sucked into heaven with some giant fish and now the sun finally came out! Seriously!

BOY

NOOOOO! My first girlfriend turned into the sun!

RIZ AHMED

That’s rough, buddy.

Suddenly the entire last third of YOUR NAME happens, scene by scene, which I’ll simplify down to BOY USES SUDDEN NONSENSICAL MAGIC SHRINE TO BRING BACK GIRL!

GOD

Ohhh no you don't.

(swallows a laxative)

Because she’s alive, God SHITS THE WEATHER again.

The OCEANS RISE.

TOKYO SINKS.

The sun is HIDDEN BY CLOUDS FOREVER AND EVER.

BOY

Erm... oops. I totally knew that would happen, too. I feel a little responsible for this.

RANDOM MEMBER OF THE OLDER GENERATION

Don’t be! The weather is completely unpredictable and you can’t trust anyone who says otherwise!

ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE OLDER GENERATION

Yeah, the weather’s ALWAYS changing! Your quest to innocently make money and refuse to accept the consequences wasn’t even SLIGHTLY wrong!

MORE OLDER GENERATION MEMBERS

Yeah, and arguing the opposite means you’re in favor of LITERALLY KILLING CHILDREN, because how else could those poor children have made money? You’d rather they DIE so you can keep your polar bears??!

BOY

You’re right! Making any kind of sacrifice to improve the world is basically asking a child to kill herself! This is pretty much the actual dialogue for the last fifteen minutes! Thanks, adults!

BOY and GIRL go merrily skipping through the rain to fish some moldy McNuggets out of a flooded landfill.

END