"Man, I really need to do my laundry. Oh well, floral blouse it is I guess."

HALLOWEEN (1978)

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

A pair of TEENS prepare to FORNICATE, while secretly observed through the window by a sinister POV SHOT.

FEMALE TEEN FORNICATOR

I don’t know about this, Male Teen Fornicator. Does this horror movie mess around at all with that Sex Gets You Killed trope?

MALE TEEN FORNICATOR

Mess around with? No. Take a fifty-pound slab of it, grind it into a powder and snort it like Tony Montana? Maybe.

They head upstairs. The POV SHOT heads inside and grabs a knife, then gets to the stairs just as MALE FORNICATOR is coming back down, readjusting his clothes.

MALE TEEN FORNICATOR

Wow, that was FAST. Wasn’t I just going up that staircase one minute ago? What even went on up there? I took off my shirt, she took off her clothes, then I said “Well that was fun, goodnight!”?

The POV SHOT heads up and kills the naked FEMALE FORNICATOR with CONFUSING CAMERA ANGLES, then heads outside where two people are arriving in a CAR. It turns out they are the PARENTS of the DEAD GIRL as well as the POV GUY, who is actually SIX YEARS OLD!

MOTHER

Well what do we have here? Our six-year-old son is wandering around our front yard carrying a giant knife covered in blood. Do you think we should stand here and stare silently at him for a while?

FATHER

That makes sense to me.

(stares)

MOTHER

(stares)

FATHER

(stares)

EXT. HAPPYDALE SANITARIUM, FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

DONALD PLEASANCE is being driven by a NURSE to a NUTHOUSE.

NURSE

So what are we doing again?

DONALD PLEASANCE

Well that POV kid grew up to be a vague humanoid shape called Nick Castle, who has been in the loony bin ever since. We’re here to take him to his periodic court hearing, which is scheduled on the exact date that he happens to break out by sheer coincidence.

NURSE

Okay, and why are we doing this in the middle of the pitch black night? Is this hearing happening at two o’clock in the morning or something?

DONALD PLEASANCE

I just wanted to make sure we got Judge Stone. I love magic tricks!

(chuckles)

That joke might not make sense yet, or in 2017, but the people reading this script in 1985 know what I’m talking about.

They get to the ASYLUM only to find NICK has GOTTEN LOOSE! He STEALS THEIR CAR and DISAPPEARS INTO THE NIGHT.

NURSE

Wha - he’s operating an automobile?

DONALD PLEASANCE

It would appear so.

NURSE

Hasn’t he been locked in a small room since he was six?

DONALD PLEASANCE

(shrugs)

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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