FADE IN:

INT. FOLK BAR - NEW YORK, FEBRUARY 1961

OSCAR ISAAC sings a FOLK SONG and then gets BEAT UP IN AN ALLEYWAY. BUT WHY?? What secrets lie INSIDE the enigma that is LLEWYN DAVIS?!??

BOB DYLAN (V/O)

(singing, to tune of "The Times They Are A-Changin")

Come viewers and readers,

Who like their plots thin,

And come gather round

For the tale of Llewyn,

He's a jerk and a douchebag

Who knows how to sing;

His asshole is constantly raging;

And the end of the movie

Is back where it begins,

'Cause Llewyn,

He's not one for changin'...

INT. FLASHBACK -- UPPER-CLASS APARTMENT

The camera focusses RIGHT UP A CAT SPHINCTER and follows it to the GUEST ROOM where OSCAR is crashing.

OSCAR ISAAC

I'm guessing that extended shot of cat asshole is a subtle clue that I'm an asshole.

OSCAR lets the cat ESCAPE, and gets them both LOCKED OUT, by being an INCOMPETENT ASSHOLE. He GRABS the cat and takes it around town, creating AMUSING MOVIE POSTERS and TRAILERS that SUCKER people into thinking the movie isn't just about some ASSHOLE.

INT. CAREY MULLIGAN'S PLACE

OSCAR arrives and is a BITCHY ASSHOLE.

CAREY MULLIGAN

I'm pregnant with what might be your child. And even though I'm not sure, you are such a colossal asshole that I can't risk keeping it. The danger to humanity is too great.

OSCAR ISAAC

You cheated on Justin Timberlake with me. Aren't we BOTH the asshole in this scenario?

CAREY MULLIGAN

I guess, in the sense that a peeled grape and the planet Jupiter are both spheres.

BOB DYLAN (V/O)

(to "I Want You")

Although she was with TimberLAAAAKE,

He couldn't stop their big misTAAAAAKE,

And love together they did MAAAAAKE,

...uh-oh.

Now she is pregnant with a CHIIIILD,

The thought it's Llewyn's made her WIIIILD,

Because he's an unRIIIIIValled... asshole.

(chorus)

An asshole;

An asshole;

An asshole;

FUUUUUUULL of CRAAAAP.....

INT. CAREY'S PLACE - THE NEXT MORNING

OSCAR talks with folk-singing Army private STARK SANDS (yup, STARK SANDS) and is a CONDESCENDING ASSHOLE.

STARK SANDS

So I was created when the first act of Iron Man fell into radioactive waste. What's your story?

OSCAR ISAAC

(is dismissive asshole)

CAT

Hey, let's not forget he's also a fuckup!

(escapes through window)

INT. BISTRO

OSCAR meets up with CAREY and orders the STEAK & ASSHOLE PIE.

OSCAR ISAAC

Looks like you and Justin are doing well on the bulky-sweater fetish-show circuit.

CAREY MULLIGAN

We are, thank you very much. Now about the abortion. I know you appreciate this is a delicate--

OSCAR ISAAC

CAT!!! OH MY GOD THAT RANDOM ORANGE CAT OUTSIDE CAN ONLY BE THE ONE I LOST THIS MORNING!!! THERE IS ONLY ONE ORANGE CAT IN ALL OF NEW YORK YOU SEE!!!!

(rushes out)

INT. OSCAR'S SISTER'S PLACE

OSCAR arrives to see his sister JEANINE SERRALLES and also be a GRATING ASSHOLE.

JEANINE SERRALLES

I was cleaning shit up and found your old Merchant Marine card. This small piece of paper could be immensely useful if you run out of other options, you know. Maybe you should take this half-gram, non-encumbering item with you.

OSCAR ISAAC

Because I refuse to think more than twenty minutes into the future, I say fuck that.

INT. RECORDING STUDIO

OSCAR arrives to do a session with JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and ADAM DRIVER and is a STUCK-UP ASSHOLE.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Thanks for coming. I thought I would throw a professional studio gig in your lap, just because.

OSCAR

(is elitist asshole)

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Anyway let's record this goofy song which will be popular in our universe, but objectively suck ass, except it's such a perfect parody that it becomes good, in fact maybe it is actually good, though it borrows from older songs that were just cheesy, so maybe it's only good if it's bad, but maybe not?

OSCAR ISAAC

Sounds like this song is permanently wedged up its own asshole. I can see why you called me.

(gets guitar)

Let's do this.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

(to "Please Mr. Kennedy")

Please, the Academy,

Nominate my song--

OSCAR ISAAC

...won't ya put me in the Oscar race?

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Please, the Academy,

Nominate my song--

OSCAR ISAAC

...please don't snub me from the Oscar race!

JUSTIN & OSCAR

I hate when they stuff

This category full

Of useless crap,

End-credits swill...

ADAM DRIVER

(interjections)

Oscar.... race!

JUSTIN & OSCAR

Or nominate their buddies!

What fucking balls!

If we're too referential,

Well then what was Skyfall!?!

Won't! You! Vote for Me!

And! My! Beard!

Ohhh...

(song ends)

UNION REP

Good work guys! Now Oscar, you can either have a lifetime supply of royalties starting in a few days, or instead have a couple hundred bucks immediately.

OSCAR ISAAC

(is short-sighted asshole)

UNION REP

That's what I thought. At least now you can pay for Carey's abortion, although if you weren't such a fuckup you would have already talked to the doctor and learned that you have store credit there.

INT. BACK AT THE EXPENSIVE APARTMENT

OSCAR arrives for a DINNER PARTY thrown by NEELIX and is a MOODY ASSHOLE.

MUTANT-LUMBERJACK EARLY-MUSIC AFFICIONADO

I shall now attempt to be even snobbier about music than you are.

(fails)

NEELIX

Oscar, since you're our personal dancing monkey, would you mind doing a set for us? Maybe something you and your dead partner wrote. You remember, your suicidal best friend? Who's dead?

OSCAR ISAAC

Sure, that's a sensitive and respectful request. Here's a number called GO FUCKING FUCK YOURSELVES YOU GHOULISH DOUCHEBAGS. We adapted it from a traditional Irish melody called SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOURSELVES RAW IN YOUR FAT DOUCHEY FACES and it was the lead track on our album EAT RANCID GOAT SHIT YOU TAINTFUCKING TWATNOZZLES.

MRS. NEELIX

Yeah, well, you brought back the wrong cat, fucknuts.

INT. ROAD TRIP

OSCAR goes on a ROAD TRIP with GARRETT HEDLUND and JOHN GOODMAN, who adds to his impressive list of COEN BROTHERS characters by playing MISTER SMACK'N'SHIT.

JOHN GOODMAN

OUTTA MY WAY I GOTTA SHIT AND DO SMACK

BOB DYLAN (V/O)

(to "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35")

Oh the Coens,

They like their actors good...

And the Coens treat them

Just like they should...

The Coens make you earn your actor's card,

The Coens might get you an award!

But they can't make their movies all aLOOONEE...

EEEEEEeeverybody Must Do Coens!

After GARRETT gets arrested for DRIVING, OSCAR leaves the CAT alone with COMATOSE JOHN GOODMAN because he is a HEARTLESS ASSHOLE. For abandoning the CAT, that is.

INT. CHICAGO STUDIO

OSCAR auditions for F. MURRAY ABRAHAM and sings TRACK SEVEN of THE MUST-OWN SOUNDTRACK FROM NONESUCH RECORDS WHICH NO REALLY YOU MUST OWN IT! PLEASE OWN IT OKAY??? WE GOT T-BONE BURNETT AND EVERYTHING

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Not bad, kid. Maybe not a superstar solo act, but I'm willing to give you a shot as part of a trio. This could be what sets you up for life. Whaddya say?

OSCAR ISAAC

(is self-centred asshole)

F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

(sighs)

Fucking musicians.

BOB DYLAN (V/O)

(to "Mr. Tambourine Man")

Hey, Mr. Llewyn Davis,

Sing a song for me;

It's the midpoint of the movie,

What'cha gonna do;

Hey, Mr. Llewyn Davis,

Sing for F. Murray;

If you were not such a jerk

He would be signing you...

EXT. HIGHWAY

OSCAR hitches a ride back, but during his turn to drive, goes RIGHT PAST the town of HIS SON THAT HE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN, opting instead to take the turnpike to SELF-PITYING ASSHOLEVILLE. In doing so he RUNS OVER the CAT, who limps off while OSCAR heroically springs into MOPING AND WALLOWING.

CAT

Okay I'm, like, really horribly injured over here? Are you really so much of an... oh, right.

BOB DYLAN (V/O)

(to "Just Like a Woman")

Do felines feel any pain?

When they're left out to die

In the rain?

Llewyn's got to know

This cat has gotta go;

It's bashed up its muscles

And its bones

It won't be going far...

(chorus)

It growls just like a lion,

It meows just like a lion,

Oh it prowls just like a lion,

But it breaks

On the grill of your car.

INT. OLD AGE HOME

OSCAR visits his DAD and, for once, is NOT A COMPLETE RAGING ASSHOLE.

OSCAR'S DAD

(shits himself)

OSCAR ISAAC

Figures.

INT. BACK AT THE EXPENSIVE APARTMENT

OSCAR revisits the NEELIXES, who apparently came from the DOORMAT SECTION of RESTORATION HARDWARE, and STAYS OVER again.

OSCAR ISAAC

Oh hey, the original cat found his way back! At least one of us actually achieved something in this movie. But check it out, I won't let it escape this time! That's character development, baby!!

To emphasize his newfound growth OSCAR goes to the FOLK CLUB and is a GAPING INFLAMED PUS-OOZING FUCKING ASSHOLE.

CAFE OWNER

(throwing out Oscar)

Fuck off out of here and don't ever come back! Or at least until tomorrow night when your set is.

BOB DYLAN (V/O)

(to "Blowin in the Wind")

How many ways

Can this guy be a prick,

Before he gets beaten

Half to death?

The answer my friend,

Is blowing out his ass,

The answer is blowing out his ass...

INT. FOLK CLUB - THE NEXT NIGHT

The next night turns out to be THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. OSCAR sings his SONGS and goes to the ALLEY while in the background BOB DYLAN happens.

ALLEY GUY

Now we learn the amazing secret of what is Inside Llewyn Davis.

OSCAR ISAAC

Is it frustrated talent, laden with grief and heartbreak?

ALLEY GUY

Close. But more like frustrated douchiness, laden with a massive, pulsating ass-globule containing an infinite recursive loop of bloated, moaning assholes. Anyway, time for your beating.

(beats up Oscar)

BOB DYLAN

(reprising "The Times They Are A-Changin")

...Oh if your money to you

Is worth savin',

Then just skip this whole mess

And download the CD,

'Cause Llewyn,

He sure ain't changin'...

END