FADE IN:

INT. CONCERT HALL

RIZ AHMED is playing drums in a HEAVY METAL BAND while OLIVIA COOKE attempts to FORCIBLY EJECT HER OWN VOCAL CHORDS.

OLIVIA COOKE

(singing... ish)

SHINY SHINY PANTS AND BLEACH-BLOND HAIR

A DUBBA KEE DRAAHH BUDDA RIVAAHHH INNAA SUMMMAAAHHHH

AAAARNRRNAAAAAGGGLLLGGGAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

RIZ pounds the drums as if a DRUM KIT killed his PARENTS, and the guitarist elicits some kind of SQUEALING NOISE out of what appears to be a JET ENGINE masquerading as a GUITAR.

RIZ AHMED

(inaudible over the cacophany)

Wooh, awright! Boy I love playing music, and hearing it with my functioning ears! Ears which are necessary for my lifestyle and livelihood!

(leans over and sticks his head immediately between a running jackhammer and a firing cannon)

FUTURE SURE LOOKS BRIGHT FOR ME AND MY HEARING!!

After the concert RIZ and OLIVIA get in their van and start driving to their next gig.

RIZ AHMED

Wait, where’s our guitarist? We one hundred percent had a guitarist in that opening scene.

OLIVIA COOKE

Psh, forget whoever that was, the whole heavy metal band thing is gonna be dumped after the next concert scene anyway.

RIZ AHMED

Really? So the heavy metal fans in the audience who saw the posters for this movie and were excited that there was finally gonna be a music movie about their preferred genre...?

OLIVIA COOKE

Sucks to be them I guess.

RIZ AHMED

Oh well! So what is the movie really about then? The kind of meandering, aimless driving montage we’re doing now, is that gonna be the focus?

OLIVIA COOKE

As if! This is meant to be a Prestige Picture, and I hardly think the Academy is going to give Best Picture to a plotless movie that’s about some broke-ass schmoe living in a van, driving around and seeing different random bits of America.

RIZ AHMED

Good point. Let’s make some plot happen!

During the next CONCERT SCENE, RIZ pretty much INSTANTLY GOES DEAF.

RIZ AHMED

Oh no, the audio’s dropped out to signify my hearing loss! So we’re getting rid of the metal AND the sound? They should’ve called this movie Nothing of Nothing!

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

RIZ goes to talk to a DOCTOR about his IMPLODED EARS.

DOCTOR

I'm afraid you’ve lost roughly ninety-nine-point-nine-nine percent of your hearing, and the other point zero one percent is pretty much just hanging on to let you hear this exposition before it quits too. You do have options though. You could get a cochlear implant, which runs about a million bajillion dollars and isn’t covered by health insurance because America.

RIZ AHMED

(nodding)

Okay, okay, that option’s a bit unattainable. What are my choices when it comes to having a mental breakdown and falling back into a pit of depression and substance abuse?

DOCTOR

Er, well I wouldn’t recommend that particular course of action...

RIZ AHMED

I see. Do you have any literature about the pros and cons of blowing my own brains out?

DOCTOR

OKAY, maybe you should talk to somebody I think! Preferably somebody who is both a fellow recovered addict capable of acting as your sponsor, and a fellow deaf person who runs a school specifically for the deaf, and is willing to do both of those things for you for free.

RIZ AHMED

Sheesh, that’s a VERY specific person to try and locate. But to speed the story along we’ll have Olivia find that exact person after like two phone calls.

INT. PAUL RACI’S SCHOOL FOR DEAFTED DRUMSTERS

RIZ and OLIVIA go and meet with deaf counsellor PAUL RACI.

PAUL RACI

I lost my hearing to a bomb in Vietnam. After that I fell apart and became an alcoholic, alienated all my friends and family, but eventually was able to find the strength to recover and ultimately start this school. Try not to think about how much more interesting that story sounds than the one the audience is watching right now.

RIZ AHMED

So you’re an addict too, huh? Is this a facility specifically for the recovery of deaf addicts?

PAUL RACI

It sounds like it at first, but later on it turns out that like half the students here are literal children, so I fucking hope not.

OLIVIA COOKE

Now, as Riz’s bandmate as well as life partner, obviously I’m here to give him whatever support he needs from me. What can I do to help?

PAUL RACI

How about fuck off, can you do that? For the duration of his stay, Riz will be required to be completely isolated in this compound in the woods, cutting off all communication with any friends or family or anybody from the outside world.

RIZ AHMED

...Okay ...say, this isn’t a cult, is it?

PAUL RACI

A cult, no! Why would you even think that? Now please turn over your van keys and phone so that you can’t escape or call for help.

OLIVIA leaves, and PAUL shows RIZ around the school.

PAUL RACI

You’ll find it much easier to adjust in this safe environement than in the outside world. After all, it’s hard enough to stay sober without finding yourself suddenly an outsider who can’t even communicate with others.

(pause)

Now come and have a super awkward seat at the dinner table while everybody around you talks in sign language, very possibly about the hilariously gormless expression on your stupid sad face!

RIZ is thrown into a series of activities where he can’t understand ANYBODY or ANYTHING and just has to stand around twiddling his thumbs.

PAUL RACI

Don’t worry, this kind of total immersion is a great learning technique! You’ll pick up the language in no time since all we ever do is sign, and speaking is forbidden.

RIZ AHMED

But if I never see anybody speak, won’t it be impossible for me to learn how to read lips?

PAUL RACI

Why would you ever need to learn that? What, so you can “function” in “society” or some shit? You dope, of course we’re never going to give you any tools that allow you to interact with people outside of this compound ever again! Only I get to do that!

RIZ AHMED

...

PAUL RACI

This really isn’t a cult, I swear.

RIZ AHMED

If you say so, dude.

(sighs)

Well, if I’m gonna be stuck here for... GOD KNOWS how long... I might as well act like any normal person with basic manners and start making myself useful around the joint.

(goes to do a single handyman job)

PAUL RACI

WOAH, CUT THAT OUT!! That’s extremely alarming addict behavior right there, Jesus!

RIZ AHMED

(looks at hammer in hand)

Uh... wha?

PAUL RACI

We need to nip this in the bud! From now on whenever you have the insane compulsion to DO a THING, instead I want you to isolate yourself inside a tiny room and stare into space for a few hours.

RIZ AHMED

Right. Of course. So unhealthy of me to want to do a chore. I instead should space out and slip into voluntary catatonia for hours on end, like a sane person.

He obediently follows a regime of nothing but LEARNING SIGN LANGUAGE and SITTING STILL. Eventually he becomes an expert in BOTH.

PAUL RACI

I’m proud of you, Riz! After a great first - month? Year? It’s hard to tell how long it’s been; honestly since your frosted tips haven’t changed even a little bit since you got here, it only feels like a week and a half or so. But you’re fitting in real well here, so I wanted to invite you to stay!

RIZ AHMED

Stay? As in... forever?

PAUL RACI

Sure seems to be what I’m suggesting!

RIZ AHMED

And the rule about having no contact whatsoever with the outside world...

PAUL RACI

Still in effect as far as I can tell. For the entire duration of that forever.

RIZ AHMED

...Isn’t this usually where you say “This isn’t a cult”?

PAUL RACI

To be honest even I’m starting to have doubts about that.

RIZ AHMED

I have to get the fuck out of here.

RIZ starts trying to raise the EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS he needs for COCHLEAR IMPLANTS.

RIZ AHMED

No problem, I’ll just sell everything I own, even if the opening scenes made it seem like that’d get me about enough for local bus fare! Now, who’ll give me tens of thousands of dollars for a smelly old used RV?

BUYER

I will in fact pay twenty-seven thousand dollars for a vehicle in which a couple of drug addicts have fucked innumerable times.

(pause)

Hey wait a minute, why didn’t you let Olivia take the van? You had no use for it, and it was, like, where she lived.

RIZ AHMED

Oh well we needed this scene to happen, so for that purpose we decided to just leave the van parked in the woods for months on end, getting buried ever further in leaves and possum shit.

He raises the MONEY and then gets the IMPLANTS, then goes to tell PAUL the exciting news.

PAUL RACI

You WHAT?! Oh Riz! How could you!

RIZ AHMED

Wait, are we claiming that this is a surprise to you? I employed a bunch of your kid students to help me spend weeks organizing, advertising, and selling all my shit, and you didn’t notice? Are you blind as well as deaf?

PAUL RACI

I can’t understand why you would do a thing like this, Riz. A professional musician choosing not to be deaf for the rest of his life, it’s an incomprehensible mystery. You’ve broken my heart, and I banish you!

RIZ AHMED

Oh. But that means I’m kinda penniless and homeless now. Where am I gonna stay until I can get these implants activated? And after that, how can I afford to catch a plane to Paris to see Olivia?

PAUL RACI

I’m afraid you’ve got no choice but to have the movie leave both of those questions completely unexplained.

INT. CLINIC

RIZ goes to the EAR CLINIC and has his COCHLEAR IMPLANTS switched on.

DOCTOR

Ok^y tHEN, yoU’ e all s#t! Y u caN he*r ag in, iSn’T th£t gr7}t?

RIZ AHMED

Wait, what the hell is this? Why do you sound like a dialup modem trying to learn how to speak?

DOCTOR

Oh sEe th th=nG i$

(okay we’ll stop that for the sake of readability, but like, keep doing it in your head and you’ll get the idea)

Oh see the thing is, when we said that these implants would “restore your hearing”, we actually meant “restore your hearing with all the audio quality of a walkie-talkie that fell down several flights of stairs and landed in a septic tank”.

RIZ AHMED

Right. I see. And you couldn’t have explained any of this BEFORE I SOLD ALL MY WORLDLY POSSESSIONS AND SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS AND BURNED ALL MY BRIDGES BEHIND ME?!

DOCTOR

Must have slipped our minds!

RIZ goes outside and finds that the whole world sounds like the inside of a TUMBLE DRYER.

RIZ AHMED

Holy fuck, all this stuttering and juddering, it’s like the city’s trying to Skype me via Comcast! Fucking COMCAST!

INT. PARISIAN MANSION

RIZ travels to PARIS, where OLIVIA is staying with her father MATHIEU AMALRIC.

MATHIEU AMALRIC

Hello Riz! So, you’re doing the whole physical-disability-arthousy-award-bait schtick, huh? I’ve been there!

OLIVIA COOKE

I see you got those electric ears you wanted so much! Do they work well?

RIZ AHMED

No thanks, I just ate. Anyway, now that I can sorta-slightly-hear again, we can get the band back together! That’s right, you don’t have to stay in this classy mansion anymore, now we can get back to living in a van and yelling angrily in sweaty basements night after night! I mean, well, I sold the van, but I’m sure we’ll find some other incredibly cheap vehicle to serve as our transportation-slash-living quarters!

OLIVIA COOKE

.....yay.

That evening, OLIVIA and MATHIEU sing a delicate piano ballad together, while the increasingly-incensed HEAVY METAL FANS in the AUDIENCE quietly fume. But then we hear from RIZ’S PERSPECTIVE that all he can make out is some GARBLED PLINKS AND PLUNKS.

RIZ AHMED

Oh, who am I kidding! There’s no way I can make this work. How could I possibly ever have a career in heavy metal music if it’s all gonna sound like a bunch of distorted, staticky noise where I can’t make out any of the words?

(pause)

Please nobody answer that.

Later, he and OLIVIA confront the TRUTH together.

RIZ AHMED

As sad as it makes us, I think it’s about time that we admitted that our whole relationship was a hot codependent mess that we clung to because it just barely kept us sober. I need to let go of you so we can both find our own way.

OLIVIA COOKE

Agreed. Instead of trying to force some semblance of our old lives, I’ll keep on living in wealth and luxury in the most beautiful city in the world, and you can keep on being broke and alone and completely deaf with all your dreams turned to ash.

(pause)

Feels like maybe this isn’t exactly an even sacrifice.

They PART WAYS. RIZ goes out into the city where CAR HORNS are BLARING and PEOPLE are SHOUTING and BELLS are RINGING and TWO MARCHING BANDS are FIGHTING EACH OTHER and WWII SIEGE ARTILLERY is FIRING and generally every damn thing out there is competing to see who can make the UGLIEST, MOST ELECTRONICALLY DISTORTED HODGEPODGE OF NOISE in RIZ’S IMPLANTS. Finally he SWITCHES THEM OFF and experiences TOTAL DEAD SILENCE.

RIZ AHMED

And thus I choose deafness, and sadly my dream of a career in heavy metal is lost forever.

(sighs)

On the plus side, I’m now ideally qualified to start a career in trap music HEY-OHHHH!!

END.