FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT

MICHAEL FASSBENDER lays in bed, walks naked, pees, walks naked some more, pees, rubs one out in the shower, rubs another out inside a prostitute, and walks naked again.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S PENIS

Hello Ladies. And George Clooney.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

This is just gratuitous. Wait, this won't mean that people will only remember this movie because of my dong, will it?

CAREY MULLIGAN (V.O.)

(on answering machine)

Pick up your phone. And also, you have an answering machine? Are we in 1994? No. Because I'm also incessantly calling your I-Phone. My voice is so pleading that you can't possibly ign-

MICHAEL clicks off the answering machine, walks around naked, drinks beer, and looks at porn.

INT. SUBWAY CAR

MICHAEL stares at a woman.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Lets go lay some pipe. My insatiable need to awaken my bacon has allowed me to solicit complete strangers without saying a word.

LUCY WALTERS

That is impressive. Some might think you look like you bury orangutan carcasses in your floorboards, but I'm in a pre-orgasmic trance just by staring at your facial expression.

(suddenly looking sad)

Oh wait. I'm married. That mostly rules out stranger banging. FUCK that's sad, right?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Whatever. Wait until you meet my sister. She's in desperate need for my attention.

LUCY runs away and MICHAEL chases her, but gets lost in the metaphorical crowd pulling him back.

INT. NEW YORK CITY OFFICE

MICHAEL discovers that his office computer is missing. He finds his boss, JAMES BADGE DALE.

JAMES BADGE DALE

I'm a dickbag! Do you know what we do?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

No idea. Where's my computer? I need to ejaculate, and have somehow been managing this without people noticing.

JAMES BADGE DALE

Wait, where are you from? Your accent is really off.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Never mind that for now. We're just going to let the audience assume I can't figure out an American accent. About my computer?

JAMES BADGE DALE

It probably has something to do with a mammoth amount of porn. This should result in a confrontation for you and I later on.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

That isn't going to happen. I guess for now I'll have to keep wanking over toilets in the restroom.

JAMES BADGE DALE

That's what most of us get away with, so you're generating zero sympathy there.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I sanitize the toilet before masturbating over it. Which is absurd considering I'm pretty lenient about who I put my penis inside. But I'm complex.

JAMES and MICHAEL leave a meeting, where they were successful at whatever they do.

JAMES BADGE DALE

I have no idea what we just did, but lets go get drunk and drive the beef buses to tuna town.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

All right! And how elegantly put.

MICHAEL and JAMES go to a club where JAMES fails at his attempts to get laid by being a complete tool. MICHAEL succeeds by being slightly less of a tool.

INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT

MICHAEL opens his apartment door and some funky music is playing and the shower is running, so he arms himself with a bat.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I can't think of anybody who's been calling...

CAREY MULLIGAN jumps out of MICAHEL'S shower NAKED.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Hey Bro! I have obvious problems since I'm standing here naked while you angrily hold a bat. By the way, where are we from?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I have no idea. But you've been naked an uncomfortable amount of time, considering I'm your brother.

CAREY MULLIGAN

I know, but I'm void of boundaries.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I'm irate that you broke into my apartment, even though you just said that I gave you a key. I have tons of chicken choking to do.

CAREY MULLIGAN

I've given you some space by putting on this transparent off the shoulder tee shirt. Let me stay here, I won't be bothersome. There is nothing I will do here that will be disturbing.

INT. THE BOOM BOOM ROOM

CAREY sings the longest imaginable version of "New York, New York".

JAMES BADGE DALE

This scene is lasting longer than the line of psychopaths at an "American Idol" audition. What do you think Michael?

MICHAEL sheds a tear. Seriously.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Hi James! I just promised Michael I wouldn't be a bother to him. Do you want to make out while he's wedged next to us on the ride home?

JAMES BADGE DALE

Only if we can follow that up by fucking loudly in his apartment.

THEY DO. MICHAEL goes for a long and symbolically riddled run and then goes to bed. CAREY walks in and tries to cuddle with him.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I'm sure the audience wants us to go all Flowers in the Attic in here. And we are both seriously disturbed, but get the fuck out.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Nah. Let's get all Flowers in the At-

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

GET THE MOTHER FUCK OUT MOTHERFUCKFORTHELOVEOFMOTHERFUCK!

CAREY walks out.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE

JAMES is on skype with his son when MICHAEL walks in.

JAMES BADGE DALE

We got your computer back and the hard drive was full of hoes, double anal, penetration, inter racial facials and cream pies.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Meh. Look up feltching, blumpkin and the frosty walrus.

JAMES BADGE DALE

I will. And since I just banged your sister, we're going to blame this on an intern.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Right. No responsibility for me, please.

MICHAEL makes coffee.

NICOLE BEHARIE

Hey Michael, you've been staring at me a lot. And I'm enthralled by you, instead of assuming you hang baby feet in your gym locker.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Holy shit. A person I actually know wants to have sex!

INT. RESTAURANT

MICHAEL joins NICOLE on their date.

NICOLE BEHARIE

You're late.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I was busy watching people fuck against hotel windows, and I won't apologize for that.

NICOLE BEHARIE

Of course not. But this date is moving as smoothly as a retarded square dance contest. Can we play hide the salami tonight?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Well, since I know simple facts about you, like your name...no.

INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT

MICHAEL does the hand cooter in his bathroom and CAREY walks in on him. MICHAEL responds by attacking her.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Motherfuck! HOW DARE YOU OPEN A BATHROOM DOOR WHERE YOU'RE STAYING??!

CAREY MULLIGAN

Why don't you make this moment even more embarrassing by straddling me naked? I hope you didn't leave your porn skype lady on your laptop.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S PORN SKYPE LADY

Hey Carey. Wanna go cyber muff diving with me?

CAREY leaves. MICHAEL empties his apartment of porn.

INT. THE STANDARD HOTEL WHERE PEOPLE ACTUALLY FUCK AGAINST THE WINDOWS

MICHAEL and NICOLE are ready to trade sauce recipes.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I'm normal now. I know your name, and we're about to have sex! I'm having a nice, normal interoffice affair.

NICOLE looks MICHAEL in the eyes.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Well fuck. Now you've gone and ruined it by giving this sexual encounter intimacy.

NICOLE leaves and MICHAEL pounds a prostitute.

INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT

MICHAEL watches cartoons while CAREY joins him. Making this the only thing they do together that siblings actually do.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I fucking hate you. I want to stab your face with a fork, you cunt.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Other than the boss fucking thing, why do you hate me? What is the terrible place we came from? What happened there?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Knowing that would really be the rug the ties Lebowski's room together. You're a whore. And I like those, but you are a reflection of me, and I hate me.

CAREY MULLIGAN

We aren't even going to mention the possible childhood neglect, the inability to cope with pain and the fact that we seem to be avoiding life in favor of self destructive behavior, the likes of which could cause life altering damage for ourselves and the many people we encounter?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Nope, not really. People carry a shitload of their own baggage, and this movie is almost entirely relying on that.

MICHAEL leaves and goes on a fuck binge.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

After getting my ass kicked at a bar because I touched a girl's cooter, I will get my knob polished at Rick Santorum's secret gay sex club.

He does. Also, GLORY HOLE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I'm beginning to look like I smell bad. Time for a threesome, complete with a trip to brown downtown, and the saddest orgasm on the planet. Nothing is sadder than a sad orgasm.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Not so fast.

MICHAEL enters his apartment to find CAREY covered in blood after trying to off herself.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Wow. This IS sad.

Inside a hospital, CAREY calls MICHAEL a SHITHEAD.

INT. SUBWAY CAR

LUCY WALTERS

You again! I'm ready for your man sceptre to jab at my meat locker! Are we finally going to do this?!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

We'll never know.

LUCY WATERS

Ah fuck.

END