FADE IN:

EXT. OLD-TIMEY CIRCUS

The movie opens in BLACK AND WHITE and in 1.33:1 ASPECT RATIO, cleverly capturing the visual aesthetic of the MGM classic, right down to the EYE-POPPING STEREOSCOPIC 3D.

JAMES FRANCO

So, a fan-fictiony prequel to The Wizard of Oz, inventing a backstory for one of the book's beloved supporting characters? What a clever and novel idea! I think this movie will be popular, it's gonna be pop-u-u-lar...

ZACH BRAFF

Hey James, it's time to do your magic show.

JAMES FRANCO

And look, we're keeping the MGM movie's idea of people from Oz being played by the same actors as people from Kansas, only without the "all just a dream" finale to have it make a lick of sense!

JAMES does his MAGIC ACT. It is CREDIBILITY-DEFYINGLY AWESOME.

JOEY KING

Oh my God, you're magic! Fix my crippled legs, please sir!

JAMES FRANCO

Ah. Yyyyeah, sorry, I can't exactly do that. Alas, you now all see that I'm nothing but a fraud, sob!

(pause)

Wait a minute, no I'm not. I'm a stage magician, not a fucking faith healer. Not my fault if these rubes don't understand what a magic trick is. Jesus.

After the show, he is pursued by a strong man he cuckolded, and escapes in a HOT AIR BALLOON.

JAMES FRANCO

Ha ha, I got away! Even though I presumably can never safely return to that circus and therefore just became a homeless man, I'm counting this as a win!

The balloon gets swallowed by a TORNADO. He's thrown around in a crazy vortex for a while, then dumped into a lake.

JAMES FRANCO

Phew, what a bewildering, uncontrolled journey. Note to self: never tell anybody, for example a lost young girl trying to get home, that I know how to navigate my way back to Kansas. That would be a bald-faced lie.

He looks around and find himself in the magical land of Oz!

JAMES FRANCO

Woah, a place of legitimate magic and wonder! I wonder how I, an ordinary human con man, am going to convince the people here that I am in fact a great and powerful-

MILA KUNIS

Hey you, you're a wizard!

JAMES FRANCO

...Okay. I, I guess that's one way to go.

MILA KUNIS

Yes, it's just as it was foretold. You are the chosen one, prophesied to-

JAMES FRANCO

Prophesied to rid the land of the evil blah blah de blah. Really, we're going back to this stale old Alice-in-Wonderland, Snow-White-and-the-Huntsman, Pretty-Much-Every-RPG-Ever well?

MILA KUNIS

I'll take you to the Emerald City. My sister's been been in control there ever since our father was killed by the evil witch. We're witches too, by the way.

JAMES FRANCO

Witch sisters, huh? So which one are you, Wicked Witch of the East or the West?

(pause)

Oops, that wasn't meant to be a surprise, was it?

MILA KUNIS

God I hope not.

JAMES FRANCO

You're pretty hot for a wicked witch, by the way. Wanna hook up?

MILA KUNIS

Awww, I love you too! Yes I'll marry you!

JAMES FRANCO

Eep.

They travel down the YELLOW BRICK ROAD for a while. At one point JAMES saves a FLYING MONKEY from a CONTINUITY-DESTROYING COWARDLY LION.

MONKEY ZACH BRAFF

You saved me! Now I owe you a life debt, so if you need an annoying CGI sidekick uh oh Phantom Menace flashback PHANTOM MENACE FLASHBACK AAAAAHHHHHHH.

JAMES FRANCO

Sidekick? I don't know, the last time I hung out with a CGI monkey it didn't turn out so great for the human race. What do you have to contribute?

MONKEY ZACH BRAFF

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't do a single thing in this movie that helps you, hinders you, or has any effect whatsoever on either the story or your character arc.

JAMES FRANCO

Can you at least provide comic relief?

MONKEY ZACH BRAFF

I'm not great at it.

JAMES FRANCO

Whatever, if nothing else you'll be a thing for me to talk at. Let's go.

They head into the Emerald City, where MILA introduces JAMES to her sister, RACHEL WEISZ.

JAMES FRANCO

Uh, how did your sister wind up with an English accent?

RACHEL WEISZ

It just grew on me out of pure evilness, MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!

JAMES FRANCO

So, everything you're wearing is green and you're about as subtle in your villainy as Snidely Whiplash. It's obvious that you're the Wicked Witch of the West. Like, too obvious. Like, red herring obvious.

MILA KUNIS

Red herring, whaaat? Don't be silly, that'd make ME the Wicked Witch of the West, and wouldn't that be a crazy and unpredictable twist?

JAMES FRANCO

Not really.

RACHEL WEISZ

Come, James, let me show you the treasury. All the gold and jewels of the city lie behind these doors.

JAMES FRANCO

These unlocked, unguarded doors that you just push open?

RACHEL WEISZ

Well, sure, but you'd have to get up to this towering walkway to reach them in the first place.

JAMES FRANCO

You do realize that like half the characters in this movie can fly, don't you?

RACHEL WEISZ

What I'm trying to tell you is, once you defeat the wicked witch you'll be king, and all this treasure will become your personal property, because that's how this monarchy works I guess.

JAMES FRANCO

I'll go straight away! I won't even ask if I can borrow some of the many eight-foot-tall armed guards you have, I figure me and the monkey have it covered.

JAMES and ZACH head for the DARK FOREST, but become distracted by a GUTTED VILLAGE made of CHINA.

JAMES FRANCO

Look at all the dead china people. It's probably best if I don't think too hard about the fact that, china or not, I am in fact surrounded by dozens of horribly mutilated corpses and oh GOD, did I just pick up a severed FACE? This scene is incredibly fucked up!

They find a little CHINA GIRL who is still alive but whose LEGS HAVE BEEN BROKEN OFF.

CHINA JOEY KING

My legs are lying apart from my body! I'm surrounded by my dead friends and family! There are little chunks of ceramic gore all around me! Did I mention I'm implied to be like nine? WHAT THE HELL, SAM RAIMI? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

JAMES FRANCO

Shhh, it's okay, I'll just glue your legs back together.

CHINA JOEY KING

My God, what is this magic?

JAMES FRANCO

Seriously? You guys don't have glue? CAVEMEN had glue! Oz is officially the hickest town I've ever played.

CHINA JOEY KING

Now that I can walk again, can I come with you?

JAMES FRANCO

Kid, you're one foot tall and literally made of china. What could you possibly ever do except be a hindrance?

CHINA JOEY KING

At an important plot moment later on, I hand something to someone.

JAMES FRANCO

I guess that's more than Zach does. All right, let's go.

JAMES, his USELESS SIDEKICK and his WORSE THAN USELESS SIDEKICK head into the DARK FOREST. Eventually they spy a shrouded WITCH at a GRAVEYARD.

JAMES FRANCO

Okay, apparently all I need to do is break her wand. The tricky part will be getting it off her in the first-

The WITCH puts her wand down and steps away from it for no apparent reason.

JAMES FRANCO

I take it back, the tricky part will be nothing. All the parts will be boringly easy.

He grabs the wand, but then the WITCH spots him and it's MICHELLE WILLIAMS.

JAMES FRANCO

Oh, shit! The only reasonable thing to do is break the wand this second, while I still have the chance!

(does nothing)

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Don't worry, I'm actually the good witch and Rachel's the wicked one.

JAMES FRANCO

Oh, why didn't you say so? I'm just going to take your word for this, over the word of every single other person I've met so far. Mostly because you look just like a girl I liked back in Kansas, and what wicked witch would assume a familiar and pleasing form in order to manipulate somebody?

Then some EVIL FLYING MONKEYS show up and CHASE THEM RIGHT TO THE EDGE OF A CLIFF! They lose the monkeys by FLYING AWAY.

JAMES FRANCO

What? Wait a minute, how come flying allowed us to lose pursuers who can also fly?

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

It doesn't make sense, I know, but how else were we going to get away from the bad guys? Now hold on, we're about to pass through the impenetrable anti-bad-guy force field.

They land in MICHELLE'S FRIENDLY, PICTURESQUE, MAGICALLY-PROTECTED LITTLE TOWN.

JAMES FRANCO

So this is where you live? Then what were you doing in a graveyard in a dangerous dark forest?

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Just, you know, hanging. Gettin' my crypt on.

JAMES FRANCO

But Rachel told me that's where you'd be. How was she right, was that just a random coincidence? I don't understand.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Stop asking plot-breaking questions, we need to start figuring out how you're going to defeat Rachel. Now, I figured out you're a fraud. You don't have any powers, you're a greedy liar and you don't even have the basic lay of the land. But I'm still relying entirely on you for our success because prophecy.

JAMES FRANCO

Hmm. Are we, by any chance, talking about witches that are water-soluble? Because that could make our jobs a bit easier.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Oh, we can't kill anybody! That's one teensy limitation our army has, see, the people of Oz are forbidden to kill.

JAMES FRANCO

That is a problem. Usually revolutions only take place in countries where murder is perfectly legal and socially acceptable.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Hey, don't make fun. We just guaranteed that the audience won't have to put up with another Lord of the Rings-aping "two CGI armies fight each other" climax.

INT. EMERALD CITY

RACHEL WEISZ

Hmmm, I want to get rid of James, but my sister still has that insane crush on him. I'll end that by claiming he seduced me too, selling it with details from their brief time together I have no logical way of knowing!

MILA KUNIS

James doesn't love me? WAAAHH BOO HOO HOO OW, OWWW, my own tears, they burn me! ...Okay, now we're outright swiping ideas from Wicked. Not even clever ones.

RACHEL WEISZ

Sorry, sis. Hey, you know what I hear is great for heartbreak? Enchanted apples which destroy your soul and turn you into a heartless monster!

MILA KUNIS

Now that's a plan with no downside!

She takes a bite from the apple, stumbles offscreen, and her silhouette turns into THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST, WOTTA TWIST!

RACHEL WEISZ

Seriously? That's the backstory we're giving to one of the great screen villains? She was an emo idiot who got depressed about some guy she just met and swallowed a bunch of Instant Evil? And I thought "animal rights activist who went nuts" was lame.

MILA KUNIS

STOP REFERENCING WICKED, WE GET IT ALREADY! GRAAAAHHH!

She FLIES OFF TO MICHELLE TOWN, smashing through the impenetrable force field. Then we finally get to see her WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST MAKEUP.

JAMES FRANCO

PFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHHH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA! Oh man, that has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

MILA KUNIS

SHUT UP! I'm here to tell you all that I'm going to murder every last one of you, especially your asshat of a wizard!

JAMES FRANCO

Erk! Like, now? I am right here, after all, and you can shoot fireballs out of your hands. Are you going to blow my head off this very instant?

MILA KUNIS

No, I just popped by to give you guys a heads-up. And now I go back home, to sit on my ass and allow you plenty of time to make whatever plans and preparations you need!

(leaves)

JAMES FRANCO

That's it, game over, I'm outta here! I can't think of any way to beat the evil witches!

(pause)

Oh wait, yes I can. We'll trick them with illusions. As a professional illusionist, that probably should have been the first thing I thought of.

EXT. WALLS OF EMERALD CITY

RACHEL and MILA watch as a horde of armed human shapes march through towards the city.

RACHEL WEISZ

Look at those dumbasses, walking straight through the deadly poppy field. Guess we should just let them fall into an endless sleep, this problem solves itself.

MILA KUNIS

OR, should we send our OWN army in there too?

RACHEL WEISZ

Into the DEADLY POPPY FIELD? No, what's wrong with you, don't be-

The EVIL FLYING MONKEYS go in and attack what turn out to be MECHANICAL DUMMIES, then PASS OUT. But the last couple of monkeys fly over to the people operating the dummies, and abduct MICHELLE!

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

This is a part of the plan which maybe could have done with more thought.

Meanwhile, JAMES and friends have snuck into the city with a bunch of equipment.

JAMES FRANCO

You guys set everything up, I've got to, uh, go to the little boys' room.

(runs away)

MONKEY ZACH BRAFF

Hey! HEY! We know you had a balloon secretly built, so obviously you're leaving us in the lurch and going home! You believe that's the case, right, audience? Drama!

MILA spies JAMES up by the treasury, loading the balloon with about FIFTY TIMES AS MUCH GOLD AS A BALLOON COULD CARRY.

MILA KUNIS

Another perfect opportunity to murder him easily. But, what the hey, I figure I'll get a THIRD chance.

She goes to the MAIN SQUARE, where all the townspeople are gathered to protest MICHELLE'S TORTURE AND EXECUTION.

MILA KUNIS

Your wizard has abandoned you! See, there he is, trying to fly away, right through the main square, in full view of everybody, when he could have slipped away in any other direction! Nothing suspicious about that!

The witches EXPLODE THE BALLOON and it comes crashing down in the middle of the square. But then FLAMES ERUPT and SMOKE BILLOWS and JAMES'S HEAD GETS PROJECTED LARGE ON THE SMOKE.

JAMES FRANCO

HA HA, YOU IDIOTS, YOU OBI-WANNED ME!

MONKEY ZACH BRAFF

Of course, it was all part of the trick! He knew that Mila would see him loading the balloon with riches, and then stop watching so she didn't see him send the balloon off by itself, and that the unpiloted balloon would drift in this direction, and the witches would destroy it so that it would land exactly on the spot where his equipment was set up but not damage any of said equipment! It makes perfect sense!

CHINA JOEY KING

Especially the part where he kept that whole phase of the plan a secret from his closest conspirators, for seemingly no reason at all!

JAMES FRANCO

SO YEAH, GAZE UPON MY GIANT SMOKE-FACE! BOO! RAAH! OOGA BOOGA BOOGA! THIS IS LITERALLY THE ENTIRE PLAN!

MILA KUNIS

Works on me!

(flees)

RACHEL also turns and runs, but as she goes through the throne room she runs into MICHELLE!

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Not so fast, Rachel! You and I have unfinished business.

RACHEL WEISZ

Well sure, but what are you going to do about it? We know you don't kill people, and if you just want me to leave town, that's what I was in the middle of doing. What is there left for us to do?

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Have a pointless zappy-energy fight we can put in the trailers, of course!

They SHOOT FORCE LIGHTNING AT EACH OTHER for a while without accomplishing anything. Then MICHELLE breaks RACHEL'S NECKLACE, which apparently destroys her powers.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Now begone! The both of you, leave this place, and go conquer a quarter of the country each and run it with an iron fist while James and I apparently do nothing to stop you for years to come!

JAMES FRANCO

And now I will settle in for a life of fake wizarding, not letting anybody have an audience with me and trying to weasel out of granting any wishes because I'm not magic.

(pause)

This movie wasn't thought through very well, was it.

END.