FADE IN:

EXT. WALL STREET

Wealthy businessman LEONARDO DICAPRIO does some BOOBCOKE while FUCKING A LIMOUSINE.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a stockbroker.

(pause)

Why? Because I love money. I especially love having lots of money, because I also love hookers, drugs, and booze. Which cost money.

(smiles)

And that's all the insight into my character you're gonna get over the next three-and-a-half hours. Have fun, assholes!

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT, NEW YORK -- THE 1990S

LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V/O)

Years ago, my wife Cristin Milioti and I moved to New York from our old digs in Whogivesafuckville. I started out at the bottom, but luckily managed to score a lunch date with stock-trading superstar Matthew McConaughey.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

(chewing pasta, scenery)

You wanna survive in this business, hombre, it's gonna take plenty of booze, drugs, and hookers. I'm talking near-constant ejaculation. In fact you might want to rub one out right here at the table, just to be safe.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Oh, no thank you. I'm a straight-laced, committed family man who goes by the book. Nothing but milk and ethics for me!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Okay, I can respect that. However.

(thumps chest)

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

What the hell are you doing.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

(thumps chest)

CUT TO:

INT. T.G.I. MCBOOZEWHORE'S

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(boozing with hookers)

AW GAWD I LOVE HOOKERS & BOOZE!!!

(checks watch)

Wow, there's still three hours to fill with my remaining decline into...

(does fuckton of drugs)

Shit.

EXT. NEW YORK

LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V/O)

So finally, I was a New York stockbroker. Except then Black Monday happened and we all lost our stockbroking jobs. So then I decided to be... a stockbroker.

LEO finds a TINY OFFICE with a couple dozen guys selling PENNY STOCKS.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

You know, this often overlooked, unregulated environment might hold some potential for just a weeeee bit of rampant economic skullfuckery.

PENNY STOCK GUY

You may be right. The problem is, this office exists within the universe of Ricky Gervais's "The Invention of Lying", where nobody has ever come up with the idea of not being entirely truthful at all times. Please help us, Leo!

LEO picks up the nearest PHONE and dials a random number by slapping his DICK on the keypad.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Good day, sir. I'm going to sell you stock in Assjuice Incorporated!

RANDOM GUY

(on phone)

Huh? I've never heard of that company, or you. Plus I don't even own a telephone, so how...

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

You don't understand, Assjuice is about to totally explode! You gotta dive right in, you don't wanna be the only guy not neck-deep in Assjuice when it starts rising!

RANDOM GUY

Well... okay. I'll buy $50 worth.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(winks into phone)

RANDOM GUY

I mean, $50,000.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

AWRIIIIGHT! THANK YOU VERY MUCH MISTER PATSY MCSUCKERFACE!!! COKE AND HOOKERS FOR EVERYONE!!!!

(pause)

Probably should have hung up first.

INT. DINER

LEO is approached by JONAH HILL who is wearing an outfit from the SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE LAST-SECOND COSTUME DEPARTMENT.

JONAH HILL

You look like you have money. Please let me drop everything I'm doing in the rest of my life and work for you, because clearly you are the first person with money I have ever seen.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Seems legit. One question though: who the fuck are you, besides a bizarre John Tuturro impersonation?

JONAH HILL

Glad you asked. Allow me to reveal precisely one thing about myself, then reveal I'm just kidding. So now we know nothing! And that's all we learn about ME for the whole movie!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(pointing at Jonah)

I fucking LOVE this guy!!

LEO and JONAH start their own stockbroking firm inside an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V/O)

For our new company, we needed a diverse team of interesting new characters. So we hired a guy who liked booze and hookers; a guy who liked hookers and drugs; and a guy who liked drugs and booze.

(pause)

Together we made lots of money, which we naturally spent on booze, drugs, and hookers.

(pause)

We were focussed, okay? Excuse US for having clearly defined goals! Geez.

EXT. NEW YORK PIER

LEO spends some inter-debauchery time strolling with CRISTIN.

CRISTIN MILIOTI

Aren't you ruining people though? Leaving a trail of broken, destroyed victims?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

True. But on the other hand, we'll never refer to them ever again.

CRISTIN MILIOTI

Maybe you should also ruin people with more money, though, so the audience can enjoy the endless drugs, booze, and hookers with a slightly clearer conscience.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Done!

LEO prepares to upscale his SLEAZEBALL COMPANY by giving it a HAM-HANDED IMPRESSIVE-SOUNDING NAME. Then, realizing TRUMP INTERNATIONAL is already taken, changes it to STRATTON OAKMONT.

INT. STRATTON OAKMONT OFFICES

LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V/O)

Forbes did an article about how we were the biggest bunch of scam artists ever. Within minutes, we had seven million employees in our single-floor office, because everyone in the 1990s was a raging douchebag. EVERYONE.

LEO, JONAH and their DOUCHEBAG ARMY pick up PHONES that immediately spooge MONEY everywhere.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

AW YEAH DRUGS BOOZE AND HOOKERS AMIRITE!!?!!

JONAH HILL

FUCK YEEAAAAAHH!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

LET'S PAY SOME BROAD TO SHAVE HER HEAD!!

JONAH HILL

UH, SURE, WHY NOT?!??

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

LET'S THROW DWARVES AT A GIANT BULLS-EYE!!!

JONAH HILL

YOU'RE WEIRD DUDE

INT. LEO'S OFFICE

LEO, JONAH, and their INTERCHANGEABLE BUDDIES are hard at work snickering like teenagers when ROB REINER bursts in.

ROB REINER

What's this expense report all about? As your father, I insist on knowing...

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Hold up, you're my DAD?!? And yet you're not only complicit in all this, you actually work for me? We must have some kind of history, us two.

ROB REINER

You're right. In fact--

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

JUST KIDDING WHO GIVES A FUCK IT'S HOOKER DRUGS 'N' BOOZE TIME AGAIN OH YEEEEAHHHH!!!!

JONAH HILL

AWRIGHT YET ANOTHER ROUND OF DRUGS BOOZE AND HOOKERS!!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

FUCKING AAAYYYY!!!!!

JONAH HILL

How the hell do we manage to do all this shit and not die?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I dunno, but it's all taken from my character's real-life autobiography, so it MUST be true! Why would a lying egomaniac sleazeball like me exaggerate about how many hookers I've fucked, or how much drugs I've done?!?

INT. LEO'S HOUSE

LEO hosts a PICTIONARY PARTY where all of the cards say DOING DRUNKEN BLOW WHILE FUCKING HOOKERS ON QUAALUDES and instead of a marker you use your COCK.

JONAH HILL

Hey, check out my fake penis! That totally balances out three hours of tits & ass, right? It's all cool now, right?

Meanwhile LEO'S ROD-RADAR zeroes in on MARGOT ROBBIE.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Welcome to my home. Oops, I meant to say, my throbbing junk.

MARGOT ROBBIE

So Cristin Milioti is your wife, huh? How'd you two meet?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I'd tell you, but this movie's long enough without adding nine seasons and a total letdown finale. Let's fuck!

They FUCK and DO COKE and FUCK some more, eventually having a COKEFUCK right in front of CRISTIN.

CRISTIN MILIOTI

Leo, how could you? Shoving your mistress in my face like this?!?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Honestly, I thought maybe I could get two female characters to talk to each other, but I forgot what movie I'm in. What do you call oversleeping on the morning of the Bechdel test?

CRISTIN MILIOTI

Well this is goodbye!! All you'll have left is your fond memories of whatever the fuck we did before the movie started.

INT. WEDDING BANQUET HALL

LEO marries MARGOT and does the METH ROBOT DANCE.

MARGOT ROBBIE

Leo, I'd like you to meet my aunt Joanna Lumley, who is apparently my only living relative on Earth. She also represents the sum total of my backstory.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Kind of like me and Rob Reiner! See, we're a perfect match! Please accept this yacht, so that now I have TWO shiny trophies with your name. The other is you.

INT. STRAP-ON OAKMONT

LEO'S STAFF hums merrily along like a well-oiled machine that FUCKS THINGS.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(to camera)

Everything was going great. But then, the S.E.C. sent some guys around to check up on us. Which could have meant trouble, because we were doing illegal pump-and-dump schemes that involved...

(blinks)

Oh wait, crap, the audience almost learned something! Belay THAT shit!! DRUGS AND HOOKERS AND BOOZE TIME!!!!

LEO decides to dump some of his SHARES CUM DIVIDEND on the COMMODITIES MARKET except he leaves out the shares and the dividend part and it's on a hooker.

INT. LEO'S HOUSE

MARGOT ROBBIE

I'm angry with you about all the hookers. Very angry. Look, even my vagina is frowning.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

HURRR LADY PARTS HURRRRR oh hey, our security guys were watching through a hidden nanny-cam, which as a good husband I find hilarious!

MARGOT ROBBIE

Goddammit Leo. You realize what this does to my dignity?!?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

You wanted dignity, you came to the wrong fucking movie.

INT. STRATTON COCKMOUNT

LEO preps his team for a big IPO for a SHOE GUY.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

All right team, this is a big day! Get pumped up!!

STAFF

WE ARE ALREADY TOTALLY PUMPED UP!! I THINK WE'RE AS FRENZIED AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(swallowing top of own face)

WELL LOOK I AM A RABID BULLDOG NOW!! BE MORE FRENZIED!!!!!

STAFF

OKAY, WE HAVE GONE SUPER FRENZIED AND ARE BURSTING VEINS RIGHT AND LEFT!!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

MY BRAIN JUST POPPED OPEN

STAFF

US TOO

JONAH HILL

It's okay everyone, the IPO just shat out a huge log of money! I'll order us up a round of booze, drugs, and hookers while you all snort your braingoo back into your skulls, alright?

EXT. LEO'S YACHT

LEO welcomes FBI agents KYLE CHANDLER and NOT KYLE CHANDLER onto his boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

My private eye tells me that you've been looking into my business, which, way to get outflanked by a random gumshoe, guys.

KYLE CHANDLER

Yes, in fact I've been running an investigation for months now.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Months? Damn, I guess the jig is finally up. You got some hookers to rat us out, right? Or sent in an undercover guy to one of our endless orgies? Or simply walked in on any random day when the entire office was fucking and doing drugs?

KYLE CHANDLER

Er....

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Holy shit you suck.

INT. BACK AT LEO'S PLACE

JONAH HILL

We need to find a way to hide our money, without telegraphing what we're doing, since the FBI is watching us. So let's all take a plane to Switzerland to talk to a Swiss banker.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

But we'll be subtle about it, right? We'll use a regular, commercial plane, and travel like ordinary folk.

JONAH HILL

Of course! We'll travel light, just carry-ons.

(pause)

So I figure I'll carry the hookers, and you carry the booze and drugs?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

DAMN STRAIGHT

(snorts hooker)

INT. SWISS BANKER'S OFFICE

LEO sits in a DRUG COMA while everyone else does everything without him, which means he could have just STAYED HOME, but then we'd risk going TWO WHOLE MINUTES without seeing LEO'S OSCAR-WORTHY FACE and we can't let that happen.

JEAN DUJARDIN

As an unscrupulous Swiss banker, I recommend we put your account in somebody else's name. Then everything will work super flawlessly, unless of course the official holder of the account dies, which will create a world of headaches.

(smiles)

So, who's the oldest person you know?

JONAH HILL

That would be Joanna Lumley! Plus she lives across the ocean from us, even better if we somehow had to reach her on short notice.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V/O)

We spent a lot of time racking our brains trying to come up with ways to smuggle cash out of the country. Finally we hit on the genius idea of putting it inside suitcases, which apparently... worked? Holy fuck people.

EXT. PARKING LOT

JONAH meets SHANE FROM THE WALKING DEAD to give him a briefcase of ILLEGAL MONEY.

SHANE FROM THE WALKING DEAD

All right, give me the money and I'll leave.

JONAH HILL

Ah, only one simple step separates me from securing my ridiculous fortune.

(pause)

Fuck you, Shane From The Walking Dead! Suck my fat dick!

SHANE FROM THE WALKING DEAD

...the hell are you doing?

JONAH HILL

One easy handoff, which we could already have done, and untold wealth is mine. EAT MY BIG WHORESTAINED COCK YOU BIG DOUCHEY DOUCHEPANTS!!

SHANE FROM THE WALKING DEAD

Dude, there's cops right over there. Why are you being such an asshole about this?

JONAH HILL

I figured we weren't allowed to end the scene before Leo showed up. Otherwise I think it's literally the only one without him in it. So... ah... FUCK YOU!!

The COPS arrest them for two counts of dragging out a scene needlessly in a movie already over 200 minutes long.

INT. LEO'S HOUSE

JONAH HILL

I have bad news, Leo. I got arre...

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Wait, if you tell me, that might have consequences on our relationship and lead to us having a real conversation. Can't we do a wacky drug thing instead?

JONAH HILL

Shit that was close!! Here, let's do these ancient quaaludes made by the Incas.

They DO this.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Oh boy, the ludes are kicking in! Now to spice up this crazy long movie with some awesome physical comedy!

(grins)

And of course it's centred around me crawling around like a slug, because those audience bladders won't burst themselves.

JONAH HILL

Whoops, I almost choked to death but didn't!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Yoinks, I almost got arrested for driving under the influence but didn't!

MARGOT ROBBIE

Zowie, I almost gave a shit about anything that happens in this movie but didn't!

INT. STRADDLIN' OAKMONT

LEO prepares to deliver another WWE-INTRODUCTION-STYLE-SPEECH to his DOUCHE ARMY.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I think we all agree that I am the coolest person alive. I inspire worship and devotion as I fuck and snort and drink everything in sight, thanks to my endless testosterone. Did I mention this is based on my autobiography?

STOCKBROKERS

YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

As further proof of my awesomeness, I will even give a tiny speaking role to a female!!

FEMALE STOCKBROKER

Ohmigod, thanks Leo!

(absorbed by crowd)

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

So my Dad thinks I should take a deal from the SEC. Get a slap on the wrist, take a few lumps, basically emerge being still rich and set for life.

STOCKBROKERS

BOOOOOOOOO

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

But then I remembered, wait a sec, I'm an egomaniac asshole who lives in the moment! I gotta do only what gives me a rush for the next ten seconds!! Even if it risks dragging you all down with me!!

STOCKBROKERS

YAAAAAAAYYY!!!!

LEO & the GANG continue their illegal shenanigans! But to avoid the watchful eye of the FBI, they decide to hail a DRUGS to catch a BOOZE to fly to HOOKERS.

EXT. COAST OF ITALY

The GANG are kicking back on the YACHT when BAD NEWS arrives.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Oh shit, Joanna Lumley died! I must have so much STD swimming in my system, I bet I gave her Herpes Symplex Billion that time I came onto her.

JONAH HILL

And to avoid losing the Swiss bank accounts, we gotta sail through The Perfect Storm! Fuck!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO (V/O)

Shockingly, my luxury yacht was wrecked by the Perfect Storm. Then a plane coming to help us blew up, killing everyone on board. Innocent lives were lost for no good reason. But don't worry, I still found a way to make it all about me.

INT. LEO'S HOUSE - WEEKS LATER

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Margot, I've had a revelation and decided to go straight. I'm even cutting a deal with the FBI. Just to be clear, this is totally about me being a good person now and NOT AT ALL about Jean Dujardin having just ratted me out to the feds.

MARGOT ROBBIE

I'm sorry, the threat of imminent arrest was the only thing keeping me around. I'm leaving you and taking our kid.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Kid? Holy shit, we have a kid?!?

LEO stuffs their KID in a CAR and tries driving off, but immediately CRASHES. This gives his child WHIPLASH and probably BRAIN DAMAGE but we don't dwell on that ONE FUCKING BIT because LEO HAS FEELS and WE CAN'T PULL FOCUS FROM LEO FOR ONE GODDAMN INSTANT, HE NEEDS THAT GODDAMN OSCAR ALREADY.

INT. STRATTON OUCHMYCUNT

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Hi, co-workers and accomplices in my fraudulent company! Everyone up for another scammy day of scamming people with full intent to commit fraudulent scams?!?

(hands note to Jonah saying "I AM WEARING A WIRE")

JONAH HILL

Um, no shit dude, but thanks! Guess I'm in the clear as long as I destroy that note. Whoops, I put it in a bag and mailed it to FBI headquarters.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Godammit Jonah.

LEO goes to TENNIS JAIL, then in an effort to continue his downward spiral into the lowest rungs of humanity becomes a MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.

INT. MOTIVATIONAL SEMINAR

LEO gathers a group of regular people together to try and figure out what the damned point of all this was.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(to audience member)

Sell me this movie.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Ah, it's a Best Picture nominee with virtually no chance of beating Gravity or 12 Years a Slave.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(to another audience member)

Sell me this movie.

ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER

It's the best American-period-piece Oscar-bait movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio of 2013.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(to yet another audience member)

Sell me this movie.

YET ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER

Um, this set a record for most swear words by a film with a respected director?

MARTIN SCORSESE pans over the ENTIRE CROWD looking for an answer, but finds only people wanting him to sign their copy of GOODFELLAS.

MARTIN SCORSESE

Fuck.

END