FADE IN:

EXT. THE WOODS - 1983 - WHY 1983? WELL STYLISTIC REASONS REALLY, THE WHOLE MOVIE COULD JUST AS EASILY BE SET PRESENT DAY

NICOLAS CAGE is a NARCOLEPTIC LUMBERJACK who cuts trees in his sleep. After a long day of unconsciously cutting down trees, his dozing form is airlifted back to his IDYLLIC FOREST HOME which he shares with ANDREA RISEBOROUGH.

ANDREA RISEBOROUGH

How was work sweetie?

NICOLAS CAGE

(groggily)

Wake me up when I get to do freaky shit.

(snores)

NIC and ANDREA go about their blissful contented woodlands paradise lifestyle of joyful bliss HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT HOW HORRIBLY DOOMED AND FUCKED THEY ARE YET?!? If you have SEEN a movie before you know the answer is VERY.

EXT. CAMPFIRE

NIC makes a campfire and mumbles horrible DAD JOKES while ANDREA gets in the water and WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS SHORE very NAKEDLY and PORTENTOUSLY. There's FIRE and VISIONS and everything gets TRIPPY and HYPNOTIC and honestly, DO NOT start watching this movie if you're feeling AT ALL sleepy it will knock you RIGHT THE FUCK OUT.

ANDREA RISEBOROUGH

Did I ever tell you the story about how my Dad made me and the other kids murder starlings? It's kind of a long slow story and I'm not sure what it has do to with anything, but it's like 90% of all my lines so I'm gonna fucking tell it.

NICOLAS CAGE

(passed out)

zzzzzz i poured root beer in a square glass and it became beer zzzz

Later ANDREA walks down the ROAD and is spotted by CRAZY CULT LEADER LINUS ROACHE. Depicting this one sentence takes the movie TWENTY MINUTES it seems like.

INT. CULT HEADQUARTERS

LINUS lies in BED thinking of ANDREA. Then he remembers he's going up against NIC FUCKING CAGE so he begins OVER-THE-TOP LYING IN BED whle OVERTHINKING OF ANDREA.

LINUS ROACHE

(desperately searching for ways to overact the part of "drug-addled sex-cult leader")

I'm obsessed with Andrea! I must have her! Bring her to me, right-hand-man Ned Dennehy!

NED DENNEHY

Yes my leader!! I shall use the WEIRD BUMPY FLUTE OF EVIL!!

LINUS ROACHE

MAKE SURE YOU FLASH THE GREEN STROBE LIGHT SO WE KNOW IT'S EEEEEVIL

NED DENNEHY

INDEED I SHALL BWAH HA HA, ONLY THE MOST EVIL FLUTE COULD BE SO GREEN AND STROBEY

LINUS ROACHE

I LOVED YOU IN GLITCH BY THE WAY

NED DENNEHY

OH HEY THANKS

EXT. WILDERNESS - LATE AT NIGHT

NED drives out to the wilderness and blows the EVIL FLUTE OF EVIL, then sits in the van a while. And by "a while" I mean like HALF A FUCKING HOUR. Finally EVIL BIKERS arrive.

BIKERS

Sorry to keep you waiting, our live-action Mad Max RPG ran long. 'Sup?

NED DENNEHY

You must drink THE EVIL WEIRD SHIT OF EEEVIL

BIKERS

Oh man, the liquid gunk that makes you talk in all caps? Fine fine, give it here.

INT. NIC AND ANDREA'S PLACE

NICOLAS is startled awake by INTRUDERS in the house who also took the time to install STROBE LIGHTING!! They GRAB NIC and ANDREA, and take ANDREA to the kitchen.

OLWEN FOUERE

Before presenting you to Linus we must shoot you up with tons of drugs. But that's not quite weird enough so WE STING YOU WITH THE EVIL BUG OF EEEEVIL

ANDREA RISEBOROUGH

Welp and theeeere go my pupils. I hope getting out of this mess involves using lots of night vision...

They take her to the LIVING ROOM to see LINUS!

LINUS ROACHE

Hello Andrea. Now that we've turned your brain to mush let me tell you my long and overcomplicated history! And look, while I drone endlessly our faaaces are suuuuperimpooosing on each oooother!! OooooOOOOoooo!!

ANDREA RISEBOROUGH

(drugged)

Yes, how very Blade Runner 2049 of you.

LINUS ROACHE

Right, well, this skeezy robe isn't going to fall open by itself. Ta-da!

(reveals penis)

ANDREA RISEBOROUGH

(giggles)

(laughs)

(guffaws)

(sells carnival tickets)

(sends picture to Guinness Book of World Records, "Smallest" Division)

LINUS ROACHE

Not quite the reaction I hoped for. Into the bag with her!

They stuff ANDREA into a FRIDGE GIANT SACK and drag her outside where NICOLAS is tied up, but not with some lame-ass ROPE because that's not EXTREME enough to hold NIC FUCKING CAGE, he's tied up with BARBED GODDAMN WIRE.

LINUS ROACHE

I'd like to show you something Nicolas. It's my EVIL KNIFE OF EVIL, NED PLEASE USE THE GREEN STROBE SO WE KNOW HOW EEEVIL. Thanks.

(stabs Nic good!)

It's an enchanted knife you see, that can stab someone right square in the gut and do zero damage. But witness as we BURN ANDREA ALIIVE!

They throw the ANDREA-SIZED SACK into a FIRE and she DIES HORRIBLY while NIC is POWERLESS TO HELP!

LINUS ROACHE

Okay he should be motivated enough. Let's move out!

The evil cult people LEAVE allowing NIC to tear himself out of the BARBED WIRE and mourn ANDREA.

NICOLAS CAGE

(blinks)

(shakes head)

Right, time to get the real movie started. Where's the damn vodka? Ah yes.

(chugs vodka)

BLARRGH RAAARGHHH AWWW YEEEAHHH IT'S NIC CAAAAGGGE TIME MOTHERFUCKKERSSSSSS

NIC does his SUPREMELY OVERWROUGHT ANGUISH thing for QUITE SOME TIME and then we continue.

EXT. A TRAILER IN THE FOREST

NIC goes to see his good buddy BILL DUKE.

NICOLAS CAGE

Hi Bill. I came to get my CROSSBOW, ooh I bet there's some history there but fuck that.

BILL DUKE

You look like shit. What happened?

NICOLAS CAGE

Me and Andrea decided to build our new life together at the start of a genre movie, that's what fucking happened.

BILL DUKE

Aw man, she got horribly murdered and you're out for bloody revenge? That's rough.

(thinks)

You're probably looking for the evil bikers I've been hearing about. Yep, there's stories of them doing lots of rape and murder and shit, mostly in the area where you live! Over here I have a cross-referenced spreadsheet of all the brutal crime being done right outside your door.

NICOLAS CAGE

Huh. Well that's fascinating and THANKS FOR THE HEADS-UP ASSHOLE, REEEEAL GOOD JOB ON THE MENTIONING THAT EARLIER, FUCKBAG

(wrecks trailer)

BILL DUKE

(smiles)

Any time.

INT. NIC'S BLACKSMITH STUDIO OH DID WE MENTION HE'S ALSO A BLACKSMITH

NIC decides to forge himself a GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' SLAYER SCYTHE from FUCKING SCRATCH because he's NIC FUCKING CAGE. He names it MANDY after ANDREA'S character.

NICOLAS CAGE

(singing)

Well I did the first half without acting,

But they burned you alive, oh Mandy

And I've missed how it feels to go cray-cray,

And I need it today, oh Mandy

Having forged himself a RAD COOL KICKASS WEAPON, NIC finds one of the EVIL BIKERS and straight-up DRIVES INTO HIM, also flipping his TRUCK and CRASHING HORRIBLY so good thing he put extra effort into the detailing on that scythe there.

INT. RUN-DOWN HOUSE

NIC wakes up tied to a WATER PIPE and his HAND nailed to the FLOOR.

NICOLAS CAGE

So what's your contrived reason to not have killed me already?

EVIL BIKER

BZZNEERP BEATS ME OUR VOICES ARE TOO HEAVILY MODULATED ZZBRRRRPPP I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE SAYYINGGZZRKKKRZZZZ

NIC manages to BUST LOOSE from the PIPE and THROW the EVIL BIKER down a HOLE! Then rather than remove the NAIL from the FLOOR as you might expect he instead RIPS HIS HAND off the NAIL just to do some fun extra damage.

NICOLAS CAGE

Let's see what other adversaries we might encounter.

KNIFE-DILDO BIKER

GZZNORRRP I AM WEARING A KNIFE DILDO

NIC FIGHTS and KILLS KNIFE-DILDO BIKER and then must FIGHT ANOTHER BIKER or maybe this is THROWN-DOWN-THE-HOLE BIKER? In any case by the end of the fight all the BIKERS are DEAD and NIC is NOT.

NICOLAS CAGE

OH YEAHH THIS IS MORE MY SPEED BABY!! Uh oh, starting to wear off. What to do? Oooh, cocaine.

NIC jams his FACE full of COCAINE and then goes looking for something that might actually have an effect on his performance.

NICOLAS CAGE

It also occurs to me I have no way to figure out where the cult is. But it shouldn't be that hard to find a clue. A scrap of paper with an address perhaps? A voicemail?

Instead NIC finds the TURBO-LSD-JUICE which he DRINKS and it gives him a VISION of where to find the CULT.

NICOLAS CAGE

Yeah, sure, why not. And look, all my weapons have been neatly stored! How thoughtful.

INT. RADIO TOWER BUILDING

NIC follows the helpful road signs reading "THE BUILDING FROM YOUR VISION IS THIS WAY" until finally finding the RADIO TOWER from his LSD vision. Inside is a CHEMICAL LAB.

CHEMIST DUDE

Hello. This is my pet tiger. You want to go north. That's all the directions you need because we live in Zork apparently.

NICOLAS CAGE

Cool thanks.

This scene takes TWO FUCKING DAYS.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD

NICOLAS sets a trap that blows the tires on a car with NED DENNEHY and LINE PILLET in it!

NICOLAS CAGE

You participated in killing my wife so FUCK YOU!

(jams scythe down Ned's throat)

(Ned's throat becomes jam)

(dies)

LINE PILLET

What about me? I helped too.

NICOLAS CAGE

No, you are young and female, I shall let you live.

LINE PILLET

C'mon, I stuck Andrea full of drugs! I was totally part of all that!

NICOLAS CAGE

I must leave, to seek raw vengeance on all those who are in any way connected to the death of my wife!!

(rampages off)

LINE PILLET

(pouts)

EXT. OUTSIDE CULT HIDEOUT

NICOLAS throws his SCYTHE at one CULTIST, utterly TRASHING him and allowing NIC to draw THREE MORE CARDS! He confronts ANOTHER CULTIST!

NICOLAS CAGE

I'm bored with using my awesome weapon that shares the movie's title. How about we kick things up a notch by fighting with...

(rolls d12 on the "Bitchin' Horror Weapons" table)

...CHAINSAWS, AW YEAAHH!!

(grabs chainsaw)

CULTIST

HA HA, joke's on you, I happen to have a comically much larger chainsaw right over here! Seriously this thing is right out of a fucking Looney Tunes cartoon.

They CHAINSAW DUEL!! But then!

NICOLAS CAGE

Oh no I have dropped my chainsaw, still running with the blade nicely perpendicular to the ground! Must find new weapon... hm, somehow this piece of CHAIN LINK calls to me, especially with all the FIRE we've started somehow!

CULTIST

Hey no fair using your Ghost Rider powers.

(bashed with chain)

OOF, LOSING MY BALANCE, UH OH... now where's that active chainsaw... ah there it is! Now to position myself juuuust right... okay here we go! Oopsie!

(falls onto running chainsaw)

(bisected)

NICOLAS CAGE

Now that's what I call BI-'SECT'-ARIAN VIOLENCE, har har!

(pause)

What? "He had to split" has been done to fucking death.

NICOLAS finds the CREEPY CHAPEL which is the final boss location!

INT. CREEPY CHAPEL

NICOLAS heads to the basement where he finds OLWEN!

OLWEN FOUERE

Nic wait! If you don't kill us, I can offer you sexual favours. How about I start by giving you head?

NICOLAS CAGE

Can't... resist... grisly... PUN...

NIC beheads OLWEN with his SCYTHE and confronts LINUS!

LINUS ROACHE

Nooo, not Olwen! You monster!

NICOLAS CAGE

Sorry but I just need to kill three more Cultists to complete my personal quest and open up a new character box, and you don't appear in just any scenario.

LINUS ROACHE

Did she mention the sex? That goes for me too you know! In fact I'll even give you head!!

NICOLAS CAGE

ARGHH GODDAMMIT WE ALREADY DID THAT PUN BUT FUCK IT RAAAARRRGH

NIC grabs LINUS'S HEAD and literally CRUSHES IT IN HIS HANDS! Then the entire cult hideout BURNS DOWN from sheer narrative closure.

EXT. THE OPEN ROAD

NICOLAS drives off into the sunset with his two companions, his MEMORIES OF ANDREA and his BATSHIT CRAZY-ASS FACIAL EXPRESSION. You know the one.

NICOLAS CAGE

Let's flash back to how we first met. I saw Andrea at random somewhere and decided in that instant she should be mine forever! Hey wait, that's the exact same way Linus met her. Huh.

(shrugs)

ALSO WE'RE ON AN ALIEN PLANET NOW HAHAHA RAAARGH BLARRRGHH

PLANET

SHIT HE'S RIGHT THERE'S EXTRA MOONS OR SOME SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK NIC

END