FADE IN:

INT. FLYNN'S ARCADE

BRUCE BOXLEITNER talks to GARRETT HEDLUND.

BRUCE BOXLEITNER

This is your father's old arcade, which has been closed for decades but someone still pays the rent I guess.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Cool, I want to play a couple rounds of Dance Dance Revolution, can I borrow fifty bucks?

BRUCE BOXLEITNER

You may want to go play the Tron arcade game in the back.  More people in the audience probably played the game than watched the shitty movie.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Alright, thanks.

(plays Tron)

Hey guys, possible Tron kill screen coming up.  Guys?

GARRETT discovers a secret door behind the game which leads to a 1980-ERA COMPUTER using 2000-ERA TECHNOLOGY.  Luckily, it has been running for 20 years without so much as a reboot or a broken fan.

A laser shoots GARRETT and he is transported into THE GRID.  ZERO EFFORT is made to enhance the explanation for this offered by the FIRST MOVIE.

INT. THE GRID - IN DISNEY DIGITAL REALD IMAX 3D HOLY SHIT

GARRETT HEDLUND arrives and is instantly surrounded by A BUNCH OF GLOWING BLUE BULLSHIT.

BEAU GARRETT

Welcome to The Grid.  You will now be forced to participate in pointless, arbitrary action sequences that the nerds in the audience will cream their shorts over despite the fact that when Michael Bay does it they call him a douche.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Sweet, it's just like the stories dad told me!  I'm going to have to drive a light cycle along a confined grid, like a chess board!  Then I'll have to outwit my enemies to defeat them!

BEAU GARRETT

Exactly.  Except you can drive anywhere, the grid has multiple levels, your bike can jump, and you have weapons.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Damn, hours of using KTron to procrastinate on my CS Homework wasted.

BEAU GARRETT

To play, you'll have to wear this generic skintight outfit that will make it impossible for the audience to tell you apart from other characters.

GARRETT HEDLUND

It's not going to show everyone how little my dick is, is it?  Because I saw pictures of this guy on the internet...

CGI JEFF BRIDGES approaches.

CGI JEFF BRIDGES

Hello Garrett.  I am a Computerized Lookalike: Unfinished model.  You may call me "C.L.U."

GARRETT HEDLUND

You look just like my father.  When I drew a picture of him in Kindergarten with crayon, I mean.

CGI JEFF BRIDGES

I'm the bad guy.  You can tell because I'm the only thing in the movie that isn't blue.  Time to die!

GARRETT HEDLUND

Whatever you say, Polar Express.

GARRETT light cycles around, a bunch of CONFUSINGLY DIRECTED SHIT happens, and then GARRETT is rescued by OLIVIA WILDE.

OLIVIA WILDE

You must be Jeff Bridges's son.  Come with me, I'll take you to his secret hideout, off the grid.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Oh good, so the bad guys can't follow us.

OLIVIA WILDE

Not on bikes.  On airships, though, they totally can.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Oh.  My dad's hideout must be really hidden then, huh?

OLIVIA WILDE

Nope, it's the only structure with lights out there.

GARRETT HEDLUND

This movie gave up trying to make sense the instant I evaded a cop just by turning my headlights off, didn't it?

OLIVIA WILDE

EyeCandy 2.1a does not compute. Bleep click whirrr.

INT. JEFF BRIDGES'S HIDEOUT

GARRETT meets his father, JEFF BRIDGES.

JEFF BRIDGES

It's good to see you son.  I'm sure you and the audience have many questions, I will answer them using page after page of actionless expository dialogue.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Where the hell am I, Dad?

JEFF BRIDGES

It's like the Matrix, but the rules are even more arbitrary and it has even less to say.  Years ago, I created this world the help of my CGI alter-ego, who turned evil one day.  You'd think I'd have realized it when he turned red, but I was stoned off my ass at the time, man.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Why didn't you ever come home?

JEFF BRIDGES

I'm trapped here.  If I try to get out, CGI Jeff will take my identity disc.  It's the frisbee on your back that you use as a weapon, it also stores everything you know.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Great idea for a weapon.  When I get out of here I'm going to start fighting off muggers by throwing my credit cards at them.

JEFF BRIDGES

If he gets the disc, he'll be able to leave The Grid and destroy humanity in his quest to make the perfect world.

GARRETT HEDLUND

An A.I. whose drive for perfection made it decide to eradicate imperfect humans, eh?  Well that's just brain-meltingly original.

JEFF BRIDGES

Yeah well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

GARRETT HEDLUND

So what's the plan?  How do we get out?

JEFF BRIDGES

We'll just hang out at my house for a few centuries until CGI Me kills himself or something.  You have to stay here, he tricked you into entering the grid to lead him to me.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Then why did he try to kill me fifty times? That just happened, like twenty minutes ago.

JEFF goes to bed.  OLIVIA shows GARRETT around the house.

OLIVIA WILDE

Over here is Jeff's custom lightcycle.  It's the fastest one ever built.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Cool, sounds like the setup for an epic cycle race later in the movie.

OLIVIA WILDE

Nah, you're just going to ride it into town and then give it to a robo-hobo.

(hands Garrett keys)

Go talk to Michael Sheen.  You can find him by following the sound of overproduced techno music, Daft Punk is making a distracting cameo in his club right now.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Daft Punk?  Those are the guys who sampled the Kanye West song, right?

OLIVIA WILDE

...I hate your entire generation.

GARRETT drives into THE CITY and finds MICHAEL SHEEN.

INT. MICHAEL SHEEN'S CLUB

MICHAEL SHEEN acts like an IDIOT and talks to GARRETT.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Nice performance, Sheen.  I guess David Bowie was too busy to be in the movie, what with releasing albums recorded seven years ago and all.

MICHAEL SHEEN

Pay no heed to my extremely untrustworthy appearance, as it turns out I am actually extremely untrustworthy!  I've told the bad guys you're here!  Now watch as I dance around with my glowing cane that also shoots lasers and I pretend is a guitar Jesus Christ this movie is fucking stupid.

BAD GUYS appear and fight.  OLIVIA WILDE shows up with A BLUE LASER SWORD and everyone battles, including a BLACK-AND-RED BAD GUY with a double-bladed RED LASER SWORD.

GARRETT HEDLUND

You know your movie is in trouble when you're ripping off The Phantom Menace for ideas. This is wizard.

JEFF BRIDGES

Behold!  It is I, your maker!  Watch as I use my totally awesome godlike power to turn lights off AS IF WITH SOME KIND OF MAGICAL SWITCH-LIKE DEVICE!

JEFF rescues OLIVIA and GARRETT, but gets his FRISBEE stolen.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Dad, your MacGuffin disc!  Now what?

JEFF BRIDGES

We have no choice but to get to the portal and shut down CGI Jeff from the outside, ignoring the fact that time moves slower in here so even if you shut him down right away it will probably be like 30 years or something. Pretty much your original plan that I shat all over.

GARRETT HEDLUND

All you needed to decide to leave The Grid was to lose your disc?  Why didn't you just destroy the thing years ago?

JEFF BRIDGES

Because it looks totally super cool!  That's way more important than seeing my son again!  Shit man, you've been in this movie for over an hour and haven't figured it out yet?  If something is cool-looking, it is important!

OLIVIA WILDE

We can get to the portal on this lightrail sailboat thingy.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Really, we're doing the solar sailer scene?  That's the point in the first movie where everyone gives up and changes the channel.

JEFF BRIDGES

Of course, what would a sequel be if it didn't repeat every single flaw in its predecessor?

They SAIL toward the portal, only to discover CGI JEFF BRIDGES piloting his own AIRSHIP toward the portal as well.

INT. CGI JEFF BRIDGES'S AIRSHIP

CGI JEFF BRIDGES gives a speech to his ARMY.

CGI JEFF BRIDGES

Muahahaha!  Nothing can stop me from taking over Earth, now that I have an army of robozombies!  A few thousand guys with no special powers should be able to take on the entire planet, right?

JAMES FRAIN

I sure hope the laser that teleports all of us into the real world is in a big open field and not, for example, a super-tiny room in a basement!

Meanwhile, JEFF, GARRETT, and OLIVIA sneak onto the ship and attempt to recover JEFF'S FRISBEE from JAMES FRAIN.

GARRETT HEDLUND

Give me back the disc.

JAMES FRAIN

Okay.  Here you go.

GARRETT HEDLUND

That's it?  A couple stormtroopers and a pussy are the guards of the thing that we established earlier is the most important object ever?

JAMES FRAIN

Yep.  Do you want a carrying case for it or anything?

JEFF, GARRETT, and OLIVIA escape on a SHIP, CGI JEFF BRIDGES chases them.

EXT. THE EXIT PORTAL

Everyone arrives at the PORTAL TO EARTH.

JEFF BRIDGES

Garrett, take Olivia and get back to Earth!  She's the key to something or other that matters!

CGI JEFF BRIDGES

No!  Garrett, think of what you'd leave behind! Your world is so boring, our world is in super high-resolution 3-D!

GARRETT HEDLUND

Yeah, making what is essentially a black and white movie in 3-D is like giving a silent film 7.1-channel surround sound.  Fuck off, Final Fantasy.

JEFF destroys CGI JEFF MATRIX-STYLE so GARRETT and OLIVIA can escape.

JEFF BRIDGES

Huh.  Guess I should have done that like twenty years ago.

(deletion)

INT. FLYNN'S ARCADE

GARRETT and OLIVIA talk to BRUCE BOXLEITNER.

BRUCE BOXLEITNER

I'm glad you're safe, Garrett.  And I'm really glad I get another scene in a movie showing in an actual theater!  So, how was it in there?

GARRETT HEDLUND

Alright I guess.  The special effects were okay, but it wasn't as good as the first movie.

BRUCE BOXLEITNER

Are you an idiot?  Go download Tron and watch it with someone who's never seen it, see how long you can last before apologizing in embarrassment and shutting it off.

OLIVIA WILDE

Okay seriously, what the fuck am I even made of now?

END