FADE IN:

EXT. WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD

LAKEITH STANFIELD is walking down the street at night WHILE BEING BLACK. UH OH.

LAKEITH STANFIELD

No no, it’s cool. I’m not even wearing a hoodie. I’ll be just fine. Oh look, a mysterious car has just pulled up beside me. A WHITE car. I’m sure there’s nothing for me to be worried abou

(is blacknapped)

INT. APARTMENT

DANIEL KALUUYA is hanging out with his girlfriend KEIRA KNIGHTLEY.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Hey! I’m not her! Not all white people look alike you know! I’m Amanda Peet! Wait, I mean Allison Williams!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Well now that we’ve cleared that up I'd like to express my reservations about meeting your parents who live on a secluded plantation. I mean you haven’t even told them I’m a photographer! Or black!

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Don’t worry honey! My parents are super leftist tree hugging yuppie liberals! They voted for Obama twice!

DANIEL KALUUYA

That actually means jack shit in 2017. Can you guarantee your parents won't do something crazy like try to crack open my skull and remove my brain?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

(changing the subject)

I think Beyoncé totally should have won over Adele. That’s because the Grammys are controlled by racist sexist evil white men. Black Lives Matter!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Yeesh. How am I not dumping you for being an obviously fake caricature of politically correct libtard righteousness?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Because I have a vagina, silly!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Riiiiiiight. Right. That's it. Of course.

He gives her the EGGPLANT EMOJI.

INT. CAR

DANIEL KALUUYA

Before we reach Allison’s parent’s house I had better call my best friend LilRel Howery who’s a TSA agent.

LILREL HOWERY

(on phone)

Daniel! Don't go to those white folks house! They're gonna make you eat mayonnaise and watch episodes of Downton Abbey and New Girl! Then they're going to sell you into slavery like that doomed brotha in the opening scene!

DANIEL KALUUYA

That’s crazy, LilRel. Not all white people are out to harm us black folk. These are good, kind white people that don't all watch Downton Abbey and especially not New Girl, right Allison?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Uuuhhh... look a deer!

KAMIKAZE DEER

PARDON ME COMING THROUGH!!!!!

(becomes roadkill)

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Holy shit that deer just slingshotted itself into our car!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Now it’s paralyzed and dying out in the middle of nowhere, the poor unassuming buck!

KAMIKAZE DEER

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF HOMEBOY

(dies from too much foreshadowing)

A WHITE COP soon arrives to investigate.

WHITE COP

Alright Daniel, I need you to spread your cheeks and lift your sack.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Excuse me?

WHITE COP

Whoops, I mean I need to see your I.D.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

WHOA!! You can’t just stop and frisk my black boyfriend! That’s profiling you racist nazi Grand Wizard! Check your white privilege! You won’t be playing Pin The Baton on the Rodney King today!

WHITE COP

My God, you are just begging to get punched in the throat aren’t you? Not all white cops are racists you whiny asshole. Blow me.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Your dick is pink, so no thanks.

INT. BRADLEY WHITFORD AND CATHERINE KEENER’S HOUSE

CATHERINE KEENER

Welcome Daniel! Bradley and I fully approve of you dating our cracker daughter!

BRADLEY WHITFORD

Indeed we do sweetheart! So Daniel, what do you do for a living? Are you a football player or a basketball player?

DANIEL KALUUYA

If we’re counting NBA Live and Madden, then both. I even play Tiger Woods golf.

CATHERINE KEENER

Oooh Tiger! We love him!

BRADLEY WHITFORD

And Serena! Best athletes ever to have walked the earth! Did you know my father raced Jesse Owens and lost? You Africans sure are fast! Is it true you all have an extra bone in your foot that makes you so fast?

DANIEL KALUUYA

(pause)

Yes. That is 100% fact. An alternate fact. I could really use a cigarette.

CATHERINE KEENER

You smoke? I could cure that with hypnosis! I also do palm and tarot card readings!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Uh no thanks, I’d rather get to know your two creepy black servants who are creepy as well as creepy.

BETTY GABRIEL

(smiling)

I try to be my best. Please input command. Please input command.

MARCUS HENDERSON

(smiling)

Error 404 the requested URL was not found on this server.

DANIEL KALUUYA

(rubs chin)

Hmm... Marcus didn’t give me a fist pound and Betty didn’t give me the stink eye for dating Becky with the good hair. Something is clearly amiss here. Perhaps I should... GET OUT.

CATHERINE KEENER

Allow me to alleviate your concerns by hypnotizing you against your will with this magical tea cup.

DANIEL KALUUYA

(being Hypnotoad’d)

Damnit! If only all black people weren't so predisposed to hypnosis! Now I’ll tell you about my mother who died in a car crash when I was young, paralyzing me with guilt.

CATHERINE KEENER

Cool. Now fall into outerspace.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa

(falls into The Twilight Zone intro)

The next morning DANIEL calls LILREY.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Dude, I don’t remember what happened last night. Either I was hypnotized or I spent the evening with Bill Cosby.

LILREL HOWERY

(on phone)

Hypnosis?! Shiiieeeet son! Them whiteys are gonna turn you into a sex slave! You need to GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!!!

DANIEL KALUUYA

But I’m still having sex with Allison! I think that’s earned her family the benefit of a doubt.

BRADLEY and CATHERINE throw a house party with all of their OLD WHITE FRIENDS.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Greetings everyone.

OLD WHITE PEOPLE

(stares)

DANIEL KALUUYA

I know what’s going on here. You guys don’t like me because I don't like Downton Abbey! Also because I’m black!

OLD WHITE PEOPLE

On the contrary! We LOVE black people! You all have such great natural talent! Who else could dunk a ball like Michael Jordan, play guitar like Jimi Hendrix, or run like Usain Bolt? It’s that extra bone in his foot, you know.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Well forgive me but my upbringing as a young black American man forces me to question your sincerity. Hey look, Lakeith is here! That means I'm no longer the token black guy! Give me some skin brotha!

LAKEITH STANFIELD

(smiling)

Good evening my good man. Would you like some kale? It is quite delish.

DANIEL KALUUYA

My god, they’ve white-ified you somehow. They made you watch all 6 seasons of New Girl didn't they? I’m going to take your picture to show LilRey.

LAKEITH STANFIELD

(sees camera flash)

ERROR ERROR A FATAL SYSTEM CRASH HAS OCCURRED THE APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATEEEEEEEDDDDD

(brain melts out his ears)

DANIEL KALUUYA

That's what watching too much Zooey Deschanel does to you.

DANIEL goes to make a call but BETTY has passive-aggressively unplugged his phone!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Betty, why did you do this? It's because I have jungle fever, isn't it?

BETTY GABRIEL

(smiling)

Oh no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no

(tears flooding face)

no no noooooooo no no no fuck no no no no no no no

(nose dripping snot)

no no no no no no no no hell no no no no no no no

(face projectile sweating)

NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! NOOOO!!!!

(inhales)

But seriously, your phone unplugged itself.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Somehow I would feel far less creeped out if you all just came at me with a chainsaw already.

LILREL HOWERY

(on phone)

Daniel, I found out Lakeith was reported missing 6 months ago! The white folks must have abducted him and white-washed his brain with hypnosis! Either that or they surgically opened up his skull and replaced his brain with a white person’s brain! Wow that sounds fucking silly when you say it out loud.

DANIEL KALUUYA

What? No. Uh uh. That’s looney toons. No way is that OH SHIT HE’S RIGHT ISN’T HE

Meanwhile BRADLEY and his guests are holding a silent auction for who gets to OWN DANIEL using BINGO CARDS? Yeah okay I guess.

Elsewhere, DANIEL goes on a romantic stroll with ALLISON.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Allison, I’m still hoping you turn out to be innocent because I would like to continue playing hide the banana with you, so let’s GET OUT together.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Sure thing sweetheart! Just don’t take a look inside my closet which has been conspicuously open all weekend containing intimate pictures of me with all the black people I’ve lured to their dooms, including Betty and Marcus before Bradley swapped their brains out with my grandparent’s.

DANIEL KALUUYA

GOOD LORD I AM SO SHOCKED!

ALLISON WILLIAMS

You mean that I turned out to be an evil lying backstabbing white she-devil?

DANIEL KALUUYA

No! All that I’m fine with. I’m pissed because you said I was the first black guy you slept with! That’s what made the sex so hot!

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Yo homeboy, I’m Allison’s brother and I’ll be performing your brain extraction this evening.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Fuck off Banshee! If Fox News is to be believed all black men are rabid killers with weed-infused super negro strength so back off before you get wrecked!

CATHERINE KEENER

That’s fake news according to Buzzfeed. Also

(uses magic teacup)

DANIEL KALUUYA

Oh shiiiiii

(is hypno-roofied)

INT. PRE-OP BRAIN REMOVAL LOUNGE

DANIEL is tied to an armchair and being forced to watch an EXPOSITION VHS TAPE.

BRADLEY’S DAD

(on TV)

Welcome unsuspecting black victim! After losing a foot race to Jessie Owens I realized how physically superior the blacks were and so I transplanted my brain into Marcus’s body to experience that extra foot bone enhanced speed!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Wait, so you guys aren’t actually racist? You’re doing this because you... envy us?

BRADLEY’S DAD

Can you blame us? Black people are awesome! Why do you think the racists hate you so much? They know just how much better you guys are at everything! We whites have gone out of our way to reappropriate your music, your style, your culture, your slang-- it was just a matter of time before we reappropriate your physical bodies!

DANIEL KALUUYA

Wow. That’s... actually kind of flattering if it weren’t so fucking terrifyingly horribad. But have you guys actually thought this thing through? Being black in America comes with a shitload of downsides.

BRADLEY’S DAD

Most of which are cured by having money, which we have a ton of. Night night!

DANIEL KALUUYA

NO WAIT

(is hypno-roofied again)

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Time to prepare Daniel for his braindectomy. Since he’s knocked out I’ll just turn my back to him seeing as that both his hands are securely bound and he can’t possible hurt

(is brained)

DANIEL KALUUYA

Gotcha bitch! I used cotton from the armchair to plug my ears so I couldn’t be hypno-roofied! Yes you heard that right, a black man’s life was saved by picking cotton.

CALEB LANDRY JONES

But... HOW? How the hell did you get your hands free to plug your ears and then put your hands back in restraints without me noticing?

DANIEL KALUUYA

That extra bone isn't in our foot, it's in our hands, giving us Houdini powers.

CALEB LANDRY JONES

Oh.

(is curb stomped)

DANIEL proceeds to KILL ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Hey Bradley, what did the guy impaled on deer antlers say?

BRADLEY WHITFORD

"Ow that hurts?" Wait, is that a callback to the deer from earl-- ERRK!

(killed!)

DANIEL KALUUYA

Catherine, your magic teacup is across the room so you can’t put me to sleep!

CATHERINE KEENER

Ah, but we’ve established that just watching a recording of a teacup works too so I’ll just show you this teacup video I made on my phone and... fuck I forgot to make a video didn’t I

(stabbed!)

BETTY GABRIEL

(is vehicular man-slaughtered)

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Daaaaaamn Daniel, you interrupted my post-betrayal Fruit Loops eating ritual. Also you killed my entire family. I’m more upset about the Fruit Loops though.

DANIEL KALUUYA

I would have taken you for a Cocoa Puffs girl seeing as that you are kookoo and love chocolate in your mouth.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Touché, but you forgot to kill my grandpa Marcus whose newfound negro strength is superior to yours!

MARCUS HENDERSON

GRRRR!!!! IT’S MURDERIN' TIME!!!!!

(sees camera phone flash)

Uh... Hey Allison, mind if I borrow that rifle of yours?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Sure thing! You have my grandpa’s brain, meaning that body’s original brain had to be COMPLETELY removed leaving no trace of the previous brain that would certainly want to murder the shit out of me, but that seems highly unlik

(is shot!)

AW WHAT THE FUCK MAN?! THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE!

(dies)

MARCUS HENDERSON

(kills self)

DANIEL KALUUYA

Wait, so... I lived? The black guy actually lived? This is amazing! Such a new and different approach to horror, letting black people survive for a change!

Suddenly a POLICE CAR pulls up.

DANIEL KALUUYA

Well shit there goes that hope.

LILREL HOWERY

No it’s me! I came to rescue you! Now that you’re safe can you tell me what the moral of this story is?

DANIEL KALUUYA

That brothers should stay far far away from white women?

LILREL HOWERY

No way, that’s bananas, the moral is that you can portray liberals as evil sadistic assholes and they’ll love you for it! This movie currently has a 99% Rotten Tomatoes score! Do you know what this means?!

DANIEL KALUUYA

That despite our success Hollywood still won’t even consider making any haunted house, exorcism, or monster movies with black main characters that live?

LILREL HOWERY

I was going to say that Chelsea Peretti's parents must be real fucking assholes, but yeah that too I guess.

END