FADE IN:

INT. EXPOSITION MONTAGE

DOMINIC WEST (V.O.)

In the mid 90s a pointy chested action heroine in booty shorts graced our consoles and became the biggest faptastic gaming icon in history. But then came the dark times that were the Jolie movies. Even James Bond and King Leonidas couldn’t save those shit sandwiches. But then the series was rebooted and taken in a bold new direction! You might even say it’s UNCHARTED!

INT. GYM

ALICIA VIKANDER is getting her ASS KICKED.

ALICIA VIKANDER

The fuck? But I’m badass action hero Lara Croft! I should be mopping the floor with this Ivan Drago reject!

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

No, this is your origin story, so you need to be an incompetent fuckup so that later on when you actually do become a badass it will seem earned like a truly relatable character.

ALICIA VIKANDER

So like a reverse-Rey?

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

Pretty much. Sorry to be such a Killjoy!

ALICIA VIKANDER

(eats gym mat)

INT. BIKE MESSENGERS ‘R’ US

ALICIA delivers pizzas because she’s BROKE AS FUCK.

ALICIA VIKANDER

The hell? But I’m trust fund billionaire Lara Croft! I should be driving a diamond encrusted McLaren sitting on 22’s with an espresso machine in the trunk! Not this BMX shitbox!

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

You only get your inheritance if you sign some papers declaring your father Dominic West legally dead since he's been missing for 7 years, but you would rather be poor than lose hope that your daddy is still alive.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Wow, that... makes me a surprisingly sympathetic protagonist. Where the hell was all this character building in the Jolie movies?

HANNAH JOHN-KAMEN

It was in her bra. Now if you win this bike race you can get 600 quid! As well as 10 exclusive Rick and Morty stickers!

ALICIA bikes her ass off and she wins the money!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Hell yeah!

OOPS, I mean she SPLATS ALL OVER A POLICE CAR like an AMATEUR FUCKUP.

ALICIA VIKANDER

UGH!

(eats windshield)

TROPHY UNLOCKED: Premium Rushed

+1 Slow Pace Forgiveness Point

INT. POLICE STATION

ALICIA is bailed out by icy family friend KRISTEN SCOTT THOMAS, who is totally NOT evil. Not ONE BIT.

HONEST.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Enough dicking around, Alicia. Sign these papers declaring your father dead so you can get all his money and we can FINALLY get on with the goddamn plot already.

ALICIA VIKANDER

No!

(pause)

Ok.

INT. CROFT INDUSTRIES

ALICIA VIKANDER

Hi I’m Lara Croft.

RECEPTIONIST

You are? Isn’t Lara Croft supposed to be a little more, you know...

ALICIA VIKANDER

Taller? Older? More forgiving of games that overuse Quick Time Events? Like really, really over use them? What?

RECEPTIONIST

(holds hands 6 inches away from chest in a cupping motion)

ALICIA VIKANDER

Waaaaait is this about my tits?

RECEPTIONIST

Well Lara Croft is known for having a VERY generous bust line, which you do not. I’m totally not an asshole for pointing this out, I’m just a fan looking for some character consistency... a horny fan who loves me some tigglebitties.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Have you ever tried to run, jump or climb with 10 extra pounds strapped to your chest? My boobs are natural and they are fantastic.

RECEPTIONIST

(pause)

Would you be willing to settle for a push-up bra?

ALICIA VIKANDER

GRRRRRRRRRRR

(storms off)

ALICIA is about to sign the DEAD DADDY PAPERS when her lawyer hands her a myserious PUZZLE BOX.

PINHEAD

Yes Alicia, open the box and experience the sweet suffering-- wait, this is a theatrical release! I don't belong in one of thoooooooose

(is banished to shitty DVD release)

ALICIA VIKANDER

(opens Da Vinci Code box)

Hey! This unlocks my daddy’s secret man cave where he keeps his giant cork board full of pinned clues and photos! Also this Sony camcorder with a 7 year battery life!

DOMINIC WEST

(on video)

Hey sprout! If you’re seeing this it means I am totally 100% dead! You will not be seeing me alive in the flesh AT ALL! For I am deceased, wormfood, kaput, Spacey’s career. I was killed by Trinity, an evil organization that wants some dead old Japanese broad’s secrets on a death island somewhere. Burn all my research and DO NOT come to this island!

ALICIA VIKANDER

All I heard was the last four words!

TROPHY UNLOCKED: All The Best Cowboys Have...

+2 Cliche Forgiveness Points

INT. PAWN SHOP

ALICIA VIKANDER

I need cash to get to the death island so I’m selling this jade necklace which is the only thing I have left to remember my father.

NICK FROST

Why not just sign those papers and use your fortune to hire a whole army to go look for him?

ALICIA VIKANDER

Because Cliche Forgivness Points can’t be used to upgrade my intelligence.

NICK FROST

I’ll give you 10k for the necklace.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Give me less!

NICK FROST

Okay 9k.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Give me even less!!

NICK FROST

Okay 8k.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Deal! Sucker!

EXT. UNNAMED ASIAN COUNTRY - BOAT DOCKS

ALICIA VIKANDER

Huh? Are movies no longer marking each location change with huge annoying transition text?

ASIAN THUG STEREOTYPES

You in Hong Kong white girl. We steal bag. You chase us.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Then I get my bag back and escape in a very clever and witty way, right?

ASIAN THUG STEREOTYPES

No. You still fuckup. You need rescue.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Goddamnit.

The THUGS are chased away by DANIEL WU who makes Barney Gumble look like a mascot for sobriety.

DANIEL WU

(chugs four bottles of whiskey duct taped together)

ALICIA VIKANDER

YOU’RE my trusted sidekick? Where’s the big loveable New Zealander from the games?

DANIEL WU

The Kiwis don’t spend as much money on movie tickets as China does so fuck that character.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Will you take me to the death island full of death?

DANIEL WU

(collapses in puddle of own vomit)

ALICIA VIKANDER

I’ll take that as a yes!

EXT. THE DEATH ISLAND

ALICIA and DANIEL’s boat are caught in an epilepsy storm that shipwrecks them on the island in a nicely rendered CUT SCENE.

WALTON GOGGINS approaches, EVILY. As WALTON GOGGINS commonly does.

WALTON GOGGINS

Hello Alicia. I killed your father. Because I am evil. How does that make you feel?

ALICIA VIKANDER

Like a complete moron for not signing those papers and using my fortune to buy an apache attack helicopter to annihilate your ass.

WALTON GOGGINS

I agree, complete moron.

ALICIA VIKANDER

You don’t have to rub it in--

WALTON GOGGINS

COMPLETE and UTTER moron. I mean you even brought me your father’s journal revealing the entrance of the dead old Japanese broad’s tomb I’m looking for! You unbelievable fuckup!

ALICIA VIKANDER

(frowns)

WALTON GOGGINS

Now to hammer home just how truly evil I am I will shoot one of my nameless slave laborers and then point my gun at Alicia for an usually long period of time. Because I am evil.

(adopts a pot belly pig)

(then eats it)

ALICIA VIKANDER

Damn this guy is evil.

ALICIA escapes WALTON’s goons by throwing herself off of a CLIFF, but she forgets to hit TRIANGLE during the QUICK TIME EVENT and DIES VIOLENTLY.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Fuck!

The level restarts and ALICIA lands inside an old WW2 plane on the edge of a waterfall, but she accidently leaps in the wrong direction and FALLS TO HER DEATH, VIOLENTLY.

ALICIA VIKANDER

FUCK! Stupid jumping mechanics!

The level restarts again and ALICIA uses a 75 year old parachute to land to safety.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Good thing I used those Cliche Forgivness Points to upgrade my plot armor!

GOGGINS-GOON

Har! I’ve managed to track you down a river and a 100 foot waterfall and through a forest in less time than it took you to get here! Defend yourself!

ALICIA overpowers the GOON with an assist from a ROCK and drowns him in 3 inches of water.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Oh my God... I’ve killed someone. I’ve taken a human life. How will I ever be able to live with myself OVER IT

ALICIA notices a HOBO watching her and follows him back to his hobo cave.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Hey jerkoff! I’m wounded and you made me climb a cliff face in the rain! If you have any kids I bet they’re ten times as dumb as you!

DOMINIC WEST

Alicia?

ALICIA VIKANDER

Dad? Holy shit you look like Caesar from the Planet of the Apes movies. Walton said he killed you!

DOMINIC WEST

Yeah well he’s a cunt. But that’s okay! Just so long as he never discovers the entrance to the dead old Japanese lady’s tomb which is in my journal, which you totally didn’t bring with you.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Uh...

DOMINIC WEST

You didn’t did you? YOU DID! I should have mailed it to the Marx Brothers!

ALICIA VIKANDER

We can fix it! We’ll stop Walton together!

DOMINIC WEST

No! I’m a senile old coward! You’re on your own!

(crawls into the fetal position)

ALICIA VIKANDER

Great! Now it's up to me to single-handedly free all the slaves and straight up murder 95% of Walton’s goons using this old hand-made bow an exactly THREE ARROWS.

This HAPPENS.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Now to kill Walton for making me THINK he killed my dad!

DOMINIC WEST

This seems like a good time to make myself Walton’s hostage!

(is held at gunpoint!)

ALICIA VIKANDER

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Clearly I get my moron genes from you!

WALTON GOGGINS

Open the tomb door or I will kill your father! For real this time!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Go ahead! Do it! See if I care!

(pause)

Oh alright.

ALICIA tries to figure out the tomb door’s complex beer keg locking puzzle, then gives up after 5 minutes and looks up the solution on YouTube.

Unlocking the door makes it DISINTEGRATE.

WALTON GOGGINS

Thanks Alicia, you took 5 minutes to do something a grenade could have accomplished instantly. You are as useless as my forehead is wide.

ALICIA VIKANDER

(frowns)

INT. THE TOMB OF HIMIKO (AKA DEAD OLD JAPANESE LADY)

ALICIA guides everyone through a series of TRAPS.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Only the penitent man shall pass!

(kneels!)

Jehovah starts with an I!

(survives collapsing floor!)

Wait, what about the leap of faith? I’m totally boss at leaping!

WALTON GOGGINS

Not so fast Mario, first we need to open Himiko’s tomb and steal her magic powers. See, there’s always a cool supernatural element to these games which I am sure we will utilize!

They open the dead old Japanese lady’s tomb, which was designed by the makers of JACK IN THE BOX.

HIMIKO

BOO!!!! Haha, but seriously, I’m not magical, I was just a carrier for an ancient zombie virus! I willingly entombed myself to save the world from infection!

DOMINIC WEST

Really? Then why not simply have your body burned?

HIMIKO

Ooooh. Yeah. Hadn’t thought of that. Soooo who wants to be zombified first? How about you Doomed Goggins Goon?

DOOMED GOGGINS GOON

No thank you, I have a wife and a kid and an unfinished space romance novel and BLARAGAGAGAHHHG!!!!!

DOMINIC WEST

Oh no! I’m infected! And Walton has stolen a sample of the zombie virus! Alicia you must stop him while I stay behind and blow myself up! Goodbye sprout!

(kisses two fingers)

(does quasi-Nazi salute)

ALICIA VIKANDER

Huh? Wait is that our special way of saying I Love You?

DOMINIC WEST

Yeah! I’ve been doing it throughout the entire movie and it is in NO WAY as weird as that face touching thing in Face/Off! Now go Alicia! Save the franchise! Save the dreeeeeeeeeam!

ALICIA confronts WALTON.

ALICIA VIKANDER

Remember that opening boxing scene where I got my ass kicked? Well now it’s time for the tables to fucking turn!

ALICIA gets her ASS KICKED. AGAIN.

ALICIA VIKANDER

(eats floor)

WALTON GOGGINS

Even wounded I’m still twice as big and strong as you. Now instead of throwing you in this chasm we’re standing right next to I will instead throw you safely away from it!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Because you're so dastardly evil that you wish to kill me with your bare hands?

WALTON GOGGINS

No, I'm just a dumbass. Now to kill you with this climbing axe!

ALICIA VIKANDER

No! I'm not gon' give up! I'm gon' work harder! I'm a surviv'a!

WALTON GOGGINS

Nice try Beyoncé, but your lyrics won’t stop me! Prepare to die!

But DOMINIC blows up the tomb and HIMSELF! ALICIA gets the upper hand on WALTON!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Dick punch! Now I’ll risk being zombiefied by shoving the virus sample you stole down your throat, then kicking you with my boot that surely has zombie spit on it!

WALTON GOGGINS

(is Hans Gruber’d)

The whole underground structure begins to collapse around ALICIA OH NO!!

ALICIA VIKANDER

(leaps across 50 foot wide chasm)

(climbs)

(runs)

See? Muuuch easier without a couple of big ol’ water balloons weighing me down.

DANIEL WU

Alicia! I’m so glad you made it! I refused to leave the island without you!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Wait who are you again? We’ve only known each other for like a day.

DANIEL WU

Maybe because I’m a good upstanding guy and not because you’re hot and about to be rich. So hows about you use some of that Croft money to buy me a new boat--

(is instantly forgotten)

INT. CROFT INDUSTRIES

ALICIA signs the dead daddy papers and gets PAID.

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Thanks Alicia! Now I can use your dad’s company to continue doing evil all around the world! You see I’m with Trinity and Walton was working for me!

ALICIA VIKANDER

Why the hell didn’t Dominic tell me you were a back stabbing twat?

KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS

Because inevitable sequel! Ta ta!

(walks away)

(evilly)

ALICIA VIKANDER

If only I had a pair of iconic guns like in the trailer. Say where the hell is that scene?

NICK FROST

It’s literally the last shot of the movie.

ALICIA VIKANDER

And they put it... IN THE TRAILER?!

TROPHY UNLOCKED: The Cast Away, Quarantine & X-Men: Apocalypse Award

+10 Stupid Points

END