FADE IN.

EXT. WASTELAND

The AUDIENCE struggles to remember their BATTLE.NET PASSWORDS so they can log into 2004’s HOTTEST MMO and view the LONGEST and MOST EXPENSIVE CUTSCENE of all TIME.

TOBY KEBBEL V.O.

Once upon a time, video game movie adaptations were bland, cheesy, bargain-bin actioners with paper thin characters that only vaguely resembled their source material counterparts. Naturally we decided to compensate for this by going as far in the other direction as possible. Welcome to Backstory: The Movie, the most expensive audiobook of a video game’s Wiki page ever made!! Get ready for lore! And apostrophes in names!

A massive crowd of CGI HULKSHREKS approaches a huge CGI GATE. Among them is PAULA PATTON, a SEXIER FEMALE CGI HULKSHREK who is also a SLAVE. She is marched past CAGES full of DRAENEI, aka BLUE PEOPLE from AVATAR except with GOAT HORNS.

GOAT PERSON PRISONER

Please! Help us, oh sexy one! The Chinese government has been forcing us to farm gold for months! Gods above, the wrist cramps! No ointment will sooth them!

PAULA PATTON

I weep CGI tears for you, but there is nothing I can do.

She watches as HEAD HULKSHREK SHAMAN CGI DANIEL WU addresses the assembled horde.

CGI DANIEL WU

Greetings to you, Hulkshreks of every race and creed! Green ones! Brownish ones! For too long we have wasted away in this land of stone and sand, squabbling like rodents and depleting our natural resources! I shall magic us to a new server! Where we can do more of that! Caaaan yoooouuuu dig iiiiiit?!

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

(watching from the crowd)

I have misgivings about this charismatic leader and his promises of an easier life. My mate is pregnant and I’m not sure this is the future I want for the little green Smurf.

CGI ROBERT KAZINSKY

Daniel has united the Hulkshrek clans, friend Toby. Generations of tribal slaughter have given way to a new alliance! A… Horde Alliance, if you will.

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

But he sucks! Literally! He uses CGI magics to suck the life out of things and empower himself! This is not our way!

CGI ROBERT KAZINSKY

Yes, we Hulkshreks are fine with indiscriminate violence and pillaging of natural resources, but Blizzard forbid we do the exact same thing with magic instead of axes. He offers us a better life, Toby. I pray thee, chill.

CGI DANIEL WU

Now, witness me as I open a mighty portal to another dimension! A new world for us to conquer, full of non-CGI creatures! Please keep your ludicrously oversized arms, legs, and over-animated bling inside the ride at all times.

DANIEL sucks the CGI JIZZ out of the PRISONERS and opens the PORTAL. TOBY jumps in and whizzes through an INTERDIMENSIONAL SCREENSAVER.

QUANTUM SHRINKING PAUL RUDD

(bumping into Toby)

Ow! Watch where you’re going!

They emerge in a VERDANT FOREST.

CGI DANIEL WU

Alright, guys. Mine gold! Chop lumber! Construct additional pylons!! Let us CRAFT a WAR the likes of which this world has never seen!

INT. CASTLE

Meanwhile, in the nearby human kingdom of NOT-GONDOR, badass knight TRAVIS FIMMEL discovers mage BEN SCHNETZER snooping around in the ROYAL BARRACKS.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

You there! With the American accent! What are you doing, sneaking about this sparsely guarded passageway?!

BEN SCHNETZER

Investigating bodies, sir! These dead men have been sucked dry! By magic!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

The king must hear of this immediately! Come, I shall introduce you.

BEN SCHNETZER

Wait, really? You let random intruders meet the king if they ask nicely? Fucking Alliance noobs, I swear…

They go to meet the KING, DOMINIC COOPER.

BEN SCHNETZER

Your majesty! Shit’s gone ham! All across the land, men are being sucked dry!

DOMINIC COOPER

Is my ex-wife back in town?

(da-dum-TISS)

(Pause)

(Crickets)

Oh, like you guys can quip any better. You’re worse than Skarsgard’s Tarzan.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

But my liege, this is a serious fantasy movie! You know, like Lord of the Rings! Not some hokey, ironic cartoon, like Lord of the Rings: The Phantom Menace!

DOMINIC COOPER

Very well. I hereby declare that no one may snark, comment, or strive for levity in any scene moving forward.

BEN SCHNETZER

But my liege, all my stats are in the Mage’s Arts of Comic Relief!

DOMINIC COOPER

Then I suppose you’ll just have to not be funny ever.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

A fine burn, my king, but we must focus on the task at hand. We’re receiving reports of horrible creatures roaming our lands. They’re huge, waxy monsters with skin like moist green rubber. They stand eight-foot tall, yet they float upon the ground as if edited in by unseen greenscreen artists. Their faces exhibit bizarre underbites that should inhibit speech, yet they speak clearly with rumbling baritones and exhibit acting better than any in our human realm!

DOMINIC COOPER

By the nine divines, CGI creatures! Here, in our world of physical sets and actual props! This is a threat to our very way of life!

BEN SCHNETZER

But CGI need not be a tool of evil! We use it ourselves!

DOMINIC COOPER

Sparingly, you fool! A backdrop here, a breast augmentation there. But this proliferation of computer animation cannot be allowed to spread! Travis, I bid you visit Ben Foster and seek his magely guidance.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

You want me to actually go to him? We can’t just send him a magical email?

DOMINIC COOPER

I don’t hear epic mount wings flapping.

TRAVIS sighs, hops on his LEVEL-50 BUCKBEAK, and flies over NEW ZEALAND to get to BEN FOSTER.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Greetings, old friend! What are you sculpting there?

BEN FOSTER

A Chekov’s golem. Guarding the entire realm with godlike magic is tiring, I figure exactly one sentient clay robot will buy me some downtime.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Dude, Blizzard’s been cracking down on bot accounts. Tread lightly. Anyway, Ben, CGI monsters roam our lands. As a guardian, it’s probably your job to do some guarding.

BEN FOSTER

Shit, you’re right. Let’s go talk to the king.

BEN throws a pile of BLUE FLOO POWDER on the floor and they INSTANTLY APPEAR in the KING’S COURT.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

(pause)

Five hours it took me to fly here. Fuck’s sake.

BEN FOSTER

Your majesty, you should fight the monsters.

DOMINIC COOPER

Hmm. A brilliant strategy. But far too risky. I propose we allow these creatures to continue raping our lands unfettered.

(pause)

Wait! What if we… FOUGHT the monsters!?

TRAVIS FIMMEL

(making jerkoff motion)

A bold idea, oh king.

EXT. THE FORESTS OF PVP

TRAVIS and his WAR PARTY wander through the WILDERNESS.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Alright men, these bastards are supposedly huge, lumbering, graceless creatures. Skilled adventurers such as ourselves should be able to spot them a mile a-

(notices entire party is already basically slaughtered)

This party rolled low on Perception, I see.

TRAVIS fights the HULKSHREKS, who begin WINNING due to being TWICE AS LARGE and JUST AS FAST as the shitty, non-CGI HUMANS.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

(stopping a 300-pound axe with his toothpick sword)

It’s a good thing the animators have no idea how the laws of inertia work or we’d be meat piles already! But I fear the day is lost.

BEN FOSTER

(floo powdering in)

Heroes never die!

BEN uses LIFE-SUCKING MAGIC to kill all the HULKSHREKS INSTANTLY.

HULKSHREK

(withering away)

Fucking hackers…

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Thanks for the insta-win, Ben. Man, we should just let you handle this shit. You being our vaguely-defined “guardian” and all.

BEN FOSTER

Yeah. Please ignore the fact that I used CGI magic we explicitly defined as evil and corrupting a scene or two ago.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Consider it ignored, old friend.

Nearby, PAULA is being led away in chains by TOBY.

PAULA PATTON

Please, free me, Toby! We are being slaughtered!

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

Ugh, fine. I’m sure whatever we imprisoned you for wasn’t that big a deal anyway.

He FREES her! Thus allowing her to be CAPTURED AGAIN moments LATER!

PAULA PATTON

And thus I establish myself as this film’s Daphne.

INT. CASTLE

PAULA is presented before the KING.

DOMINIC COOPER

You. Woman-creature. What manner of beast are you and why do I want to see you naked so badly?

PAULA PATTON

My people are “orc” in your tongue. It means “that who is both Shrek-like and Hulk-like.” I am half-orc. Like normal orc but sexier and with better stats. Blame Trek of Stars for your green girl fetish.

DOMINIC COOPER

Orc? I have heard of no such thing. In all the Seven Kingdoms, there are no-

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Wait, wait, Seven Kingdoms?! Really?

DOMINIC COOPER

Ugh, it was in Warcraft before Game of Thrones hit the air, okay? George RR Martin doesn’t own generic fantasy names.

BEN SCHNETZER

Just like how Blizzard dropped the “hammer” from “Warhammer” and added “Craft” and called it something new?

DOMINIC COOPER

What did I say about meta-commentary?! Ugh, somebody take her away. Her caveman speech pattern is turning me on even more.

PAULA is imprisoned until QUEEN RUTH NEGGA goes in for a chat.

RUTH NEGGA

How you doing, girl? Care for a pow-wow? As co-ruler of this progressive fantasy realm of diverse peoples, I’m sure I have nothing more important to do than chat with the perps in solitary.

PAULA PATTON

Humans make many strange decisions. Queens visit prisoners of war, unguarded. Weak your security is. Weak like your bones and acting ability.

RUTH NEGGA

At least we don’t Skype in our performances! Look, you probably hate those orc things. Care for an alliance? An… Alliance alliance, if you will?

PAULA PATTON

Will aid you in defeating my people. Have one condition. You must never question my loyalty.

RUTH NEGGA

You drive a hard bargain. Deal.

EXT. MOUNTAINS OF INFODUMP

BEN, PAULA, and TRAVIS sit around the CAMPFIRE for a bit.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Well this seems like a good a time as any to announce our backstories. You’re first, nerd.

BEN SCHNETZER

Well, I left Mage School a while back. I figured it wasn’t too late to get into a more stable career, like acting or writing-

TRAVIS FIMMEL

(snorts)

BEN SCHNETZER

So yeah. Now I wander about aimlessly, helping adventurers with clearer motivations. What’s your story, sexy Grinch?

PAULA PATTON

Orc kill each other. Daniel Wu unite orc. Daniel Wu kill ecosystem. Orc hop over here because grass is always greener. Now grass turning grey and dying, but this not bother orc because life-sucking magic depleting our world is probably myth created by China. I was orc slave, now am not. End of story.

There is a PAUSE as they both look at TRAVIS.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

What? I’m this film’s Aragorn, with a little Tony Stark sass sprinkled on top. I’m loyal to the Alliance and I sword things. Oh, also, I have a kid somewhere.

BURKELEY DUFFIELD

Hey, dad!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

He’s around here someplace. He fights sometimes and looks like Big Boy. Now, how about the three of us do some spying?

BEN SCHNETZER

Two of us. Paula just got captured.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Jesus Stat-buffing Christ…

INT. CANYON

The HULKSHREKS and HUMANS eye each other over some distance, spinning CHAINS and slapping their HANDS with CROWBARS.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Seems like a great place for an ambush. You checked everywhere?

BURKELEY DUFFIELD

Sure did, pops!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

You checked all the alcoves? The chasms? The crevices? The crevasses?

BURKELEY DUFFIELD

Yep, yup, yes, and yeppers!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Thanks, whoever you are. Now, let’s get to diplomatizing.

The HULKSHREKS and HUMANS advance towards each other, SNAPPING their FINGERS and SPINNING. Finally, they MEET.

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

Paula, please translate my gruff radio voice into human speak. Ahem.

(to Travis)

Greetings, human with a Character Creator Default Face. I have come to propose a truce. If you will allow us to do the Horde thing in our own nice little mini-Mordor, we promise to respect your people and their space. Pinky swear, no take-backs.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Hmm, that does sound tempting. But what about your other Horde buddies?

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

Together we could defeat them!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

And install a new leader?

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

Yes!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Like yourself?

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

Certainly!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

So you want to leverage a new ally into removing your political rival for you?

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

You make it sound so suspicious! You don’t understand! I’m RIGHT in what I believe! And my enemies are WRONG!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Hard to argue with that. I hereby declare an alliance! A… Horde/Alliance alliance, if you-

But suddenly, a bunch of BAD HULKSHREKS burst out of RANDOM PILES OF DIRT and ATTACK!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Goddamit, nameless grunt! I told you to check everywhere!

BURKELEY DUFFIELD

Sorry, dad! I didn’t anticipate how shitty the collision detection could be!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Shit, this looks rough. And our so-called “guardian” is nowhere in sight. Looks like we’ll just have to handle this the old-fashioned-

BEN FOSTER

(appearing on a hilltop like Tim the Enchanter)

Justice rains from above!

BEN summons a huge LIGHTNING WALL to block the HULKSHREKS. But BURKELEY is trapped on the wrong side!

BURKELEY DUFFIELD

It’s okay, father! Do no weep for me! With sword in hand, I go to glory! A soldier’s death for your first and only son!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

A what for a who now?

BURKELEY gets AXED to FUCK.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Darn. Crud. I’m miffed as a puppy in rain. Dangit, Ben. What with the lightning wall separating me from that baby-faced noob, and so forth.

INT. HORDE OUTPOST

His TREASONOUS COUP having been EXPOSED, TOBY returns home to find his ENTIRE CLAN has been MURDERKILLED.

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

Shit. I am certain some of those war brothers had names, even. But wait, how fares my wife? Wifey! Wife of mine! Where are you?!

CGI ROBERT KAZINSKY

She is safe, friend Toby. By which I mean, she is fleeing for her life with your newborn child while vicious bloodriders nip at her heels.

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

That seems like the opposite of safe.

CGI ROBERT KAZINSKY

I’m sure she’ll be fine.

EXT. RIVERBANK

TOBY’s WIFE, CGI ANNA GALVIN, puts her ORC BABY in a BASKET in the RIVER.

CGI ANNA GALVIN

Float, baby orc Moses! Float to a better server!

She gets STABBED.

INT. HORDE OUTPOST

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

Yes, you are probably right, friend Robert. I worry needlessly. Let’s go fuck up Daniel’s shit.

INT. CASTLE

While all this has been happening, BEN SCHNETZER has been BOUNCING AROUND different CGI MATTE PAINTINGS trying to find ANSWERS to QUESTIONS the AUDIENCE has already SUSSED OUT.

BEN SCHNETZER

Goodness! A ghost straight out of Crimson Peak showed me this book! And this book says I should go to-

INT. MASSIVE LIBRARY

BEN SCHNETZER

Ye gods! These books tell me much about CGI magic! I know more answers! I must go to-

INT. TOWER OF POWER

BEN SCHNETZER

Other Ben! I have learned things about gateways and life-suck magic! Apparently, the gateway to the orc realm can only be opened if there’s a cooperator on this side!

BEN FOSTER

That’s a hot tip. By which I mean

(burns all of Ben’s notes)

BEN SCHNETZER

That seems suspiciously shitty. But to confirm my suspicions, I must go back to mage school! Also known as-

INT. FLOATING CITY

BEN SCHNETZER

Wait, did I get lost and jump video games accidentally? How did I wind up in Bioshock Infinite?

HEAD MAGE

You dare return to these hallowed halls and guardrail-less walkways! You’ve got student loans bigger than this movie’s special effects budget!

BEN SCHNETZER

But you don’t understand! Me and my talking backpack and monkey pal have been traveling the lands, finding clues about CGI magic! It has led us here, for reasons I barely understand!

HEAD MAGE

Well, you’re in luck. Our as-yet-unmentioned Big Black Box of Magic Answers just sprouted a staircase. Seriously. Go on in. We believe in you. We’ll wait outside.

BEN steps inside and finds GLENN CLOSE of all fucking people.

BEN SCHNETZER

Wait, what? Why? Who? HUH?! I mean, I love you, Glenn, but of all the cameos they could’ve picked, they went with Nova Prime?

GLENN CLOSE

Ugh, just go with it. I must exposit at you. Other Ben is evil. He has been tainted by CGI. Soon his humanity, such as it is, will wither and die. He also helped open the orc portal in the first place, because evil magic made him do it. He seeks the destruction of the realm he once fought to protect.

BEN SCHNETZER

So why didn’t he just stroll into the king’s bathroom and fry him while he’s taking a shit? He wouldn’t even have to teleport in, with how shitty security is in that castle.

GLENN CLOSE

Because Ben’s brand of evil is a very specifically stupid kind of evil. Now, pick a final battle and join it. Ben seeks to open a new portal and let more orcs into our realm. I’m sure one of the concurrent boss battles will need a college flakeout like you.

EXT. HORDE CAMP

TOBY and ROBERT approach DANIEL, surrounded by HUNDREDS of ONLOOKERS.

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

I’m calling you out, Daniel! For too long have you sucked us dry, metaphorically and otherwise! How about a little 1v1?!

CGI DANIEL WU

I mean, I have to open the portal at literally this exact moment because Ben’s delivering the incantation on his side, but fuck it. Come at me, scrublord, I’m ripped! Seriously!

DANIEL removes his SHAMAN ROBES to reveal he’s JACKED and HORNY. As in, covered in HORNS. They FIGHT!

CGI DANIEL WU

Curses! Your scrappy hand-to-hand fighting is superior to my identical scrappy hand-to-hand fighting! Only one thing to do!

DANIEL uses LIFE-SUCK MAGIC on TOBY!

CGI TOBY KEBBEL

Fucking… hackers….

(dies)

CGI ROBERT KAZINSKY

You bastard! That is not our way! You were expected to slaughter each other with bare fists, like civilized hell-monsters!

CGI DANIEL WU

I have heard your complaints and have elected to file them away for a later time. Now if you’ll excuse me.

DANIEL begins to open the PORTAL! But just then, KING DOMINIC and his ARMY arrives!

DOMINIC COOPER

Alright men! We must keep that portal closed at all cost! Join me, and together we shall-

(notices almost his entire army has been slaughtered to death)

Fucking Alliance noobs, I swear.

INT. TOWER OF POWER

Meanwhile, TRAVIS and BEN go to fight OTHER BEN, who is opening the PORTAL using EVIL CGI!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

No, Ben! There is good in you still! Reject the corruption of CGI! Embrace practical effects! Things of substance, with tactile weight and emotional attachment-

BEN FOSTER

You dare speak of emotions! You who barely gave a fuck when your son died!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Oh yeah. That happened.

BEN FOSTER

Sic ‘em, golem.

While GUARDIAN BEN begins transforming into a GREEN WHITE WALKER, BEN and TRAVIS contend with the MINIBOSS GOLEM!

BEN SCHNETZER

Travis, I have an idea! Distract it for a bit!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Already on it. Using Peter Jackson’s Hobbit-level physics, I’ve managed to chop the golem’s head off with a line of dental floss! Because apparently the thing was made out of Play-doh.

BEN SCHNETZER

Perfect! Now just lead it closer to me!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

It can’t see or hear so, I mean, fingers crossed.

The GOLEM eventually steps on BEN’s magic PORTAL SPELL, dropping it on the HEAD of GUARDIAN WHITE WALKER CRYPT KEEPER BEN. A wacky HANNA-BARBERA PIANO SMASH SOUND EFFECT plays! The day is won!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

So passes the most powerful being in Azaroth. Squished under ten tons of baked clay.

(pause)

Welp, I’m off to avenge my son or something.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

DOMINIC is making his LAST STAND with PAULA fighting by his SIDE.

DOMINIC COOPER

Paula, the portal is closed, the orcs are trapped on this side. I mean, you know, thousands of them, so we’re still kind of fucked, but it’s fewer than it could have been. The time has now come for a noble sacrifice. You must kill me, it will earn you respect in the eyes of your brethren and allow you to regain their trust.

PAULA PATTON

Normally I’d comment on how idiotic that is, but you guys never doubted my loyalty once, so who knows, maybe human gullibility has rubbed off on the orcs.

DOMINIC COOPER

We can only pray. Make with the stabbing.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

(flying in)

Heeeere I come to save the-

(sees Dominic get stabbed)

Fuck. FUCK. I am bad at heroing.

CGI DANIEL WU

Congratulations, Paula. You are now my right hand woman. Consider your past as a slave forgotten, and your recent history slaughtering our troops and actively plotting with our enemies ignored. Now, Travis, I’m sure you’d like to get some revenge on the guy who shanked your kid.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

My what now?

The HULKSHREKS part to allow TRAVIS to fight his ARCH-NEMESIS, CGI CLANCY BROWN!

CGI CLANCY BROWN

Yep, I’m in this movie! Gaze upon my star power! All twelve watts of it!

TRAVIS FIMMEL

Alright, then. Let’s throw the fuck down! LEEEEEROOOOOOY-

Suddenly the PROJECTOR stops working and the film SMASH CUTS to DIRECTOR DUNCAN JONES glaring at the camera and smoking a CIGARETTE with a SHAKING HAND.

DUNCAN JONES

You assholes. You Monster-chugging neckbearded mommy goblins. It wasn’t all that long ago you people would’ve been pissing yourselves over a Warcraft movie. $160 million it cost to make this turd and you DARE to shit all over it? What does it take to satisfy you people? “I want some REAL fantasy on the big screen! I want a quality video game adaptation, with obscure characters no one cares about and fifty trillion subplots and it has to be ACCURATE and delve into LORE! I want Michael Moorcock to jizz hard fantasy on my face every day, so I can complain about the taste!”

(takes a long, shaky drag)

You fleshlight aficionados have no idea how lucky you are that this isn’t a Syfy Original Movie made with a budget of six boxes of Krispy Kremes and a bottle of Evan Williams. Well guess what? China saved this fucking thing, so the next one’s gonna have the kung fu pandas. Pandaria, get it? “Pander” is basically right in the title! Kiss my full Moon, you forum-jockeys. Movie over.

We cut back to TRAVIS just as he kills CLANCY by SLIDING UNDER HIS LEGS and CHOPPING HIS DICK. SERIOUSLY.

PAULA PATTON

His dick-choppery has earned our respect. Go in peace, Default Human Male.

TRAVIS flies triumphantly into the DISTANCE, lugging the body of his DEAD KING.

TRAVIS FIMMEL

All things considered, this went very poorly indeed.

END.