FADE IN:

EXT. JUNGLE

Shot of leaves. Trees. A LIZARD. Birds. More trees. More leaves. Birds. Lizards. Etc.

AUDIENCE

Wasn't this on PBS last night?

EXT. PEACEFUL NATIVE VILLAGE

JIM CAVIEZEL is AWOL (whatever that stands for) and hanging around with native people. It is very PEACEFUL and PLEASANT, even though they are PRIMITIVE. This is contrasted later with VIOLENT, UNPLEASANT, but supposedly CIVILIZED people fighting their war.

JIM CAVIEZEL

I sure do like it here. This symbolizes the existential metaphysical being of the essence of the human condition...

A big sinister American ship shows up. JIM CAVIEZEL is taken on board.

INT. SHIP

The ship is very lifeless, claustraphobic, and sinister seeming. This is a sharp contrast from the wonderful natural world outside.

SEAN PENN

You were AWOL again. Guess I'll make you a medic.

JIM CAVIEZEL

A medic, symbolizing my role as a healer within this horror of warfare, the dualistic nature of the...

SEAN PENN

Shut up.

EXT. SHIP

JOHN TRAVOLTA

(with a silly looking) mustache)

Wanna join the Church of Scientology?

NICK NOLTE

Uh, no thanks. Oh, by the way, I'm a fanatical war-loving type of guy.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

(not so subtly)

Some people in wars do stupid things to try to increase their prestige and stab people in the back. I wonder if that is a foreshadowing. Oh, I'm only in this movie briefly as an awkward cameo.

EXT. JUNGLE

More trees and jungles. A simple native man looking for food walks by as the scared shitless American soldiers march through the jungle.

DIRECTOR TERRENCE MALICK

It's symbolic!

Soldiers find a mutilated American soldier.

NICK NOLTE

Damn Japs. Let's go shoot some of those yellow Nazi-loving evil squinty- eyed Japanese so they make TVs and Walkmans instead of trying to take over half the world. Har har har.

A battle starts. JAPANESE SOLDIERS shoot at AMERICAN SOLDIERS. NICK NOLTE stays a safe distance away.

NICK NOLTE

(into radio)

Go lose your life with a frontal assault on their base, even though you're outnumbered and being slaughtered, but I want to be a big war hero.

ELIAS KOTEAS

(through radio)

No, they'll all die.

NICK NOLTE

Who cares, fucking coward. God bless America.

AMERICAN SOLDIERS kill JAPANESE SOLDIERS in a bunker, take some captive. JAPANESE captives are all half- starved boys, trembling and praying in terror.

DIRECTOR TERRENCE MALICK

See! They're not really faceless evil monsters!

STEVEN SPIELBERG

Damn you, people might compare that to SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, where the EVIL GERMANS were just faceless EVIL NAZI enemies. Then again, people are idiots, so they probably won't.

Battle is over. AMERICANS beat crap out of JAPANESE prisoners, pull out their teeth, torture them, etc.

JIM CAVIEZEL

War is bad, takes away people's humanity, the essence of their lives, ripped away, their souls torn as the very fabric of consciousness is torn with a barbaric blood lust, the transcendent flow of their being rippled across the jagged terrain of the symbolic human struggle...

JIM CAVIEZEL goes back to the native village, where he sees people arguing, children fighting, and a child dying from disease.

DIRECTOR TERRENCE MALICK

You see, we idealize even nature, but in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect place. Get it?

AUDIENCE

Duh... huh... what?

BEN CHAPLIN daydreams about fondling his wife.

BEN CHAPLIN

My wife sure is hot, I can't wait till this war is over so I can go back and fuck her. That's the only thing giving me hope to keep on going.

BEN CHAPLIN gets a letter from his WIFE, saying she fell in love with another man and wants a divorce.

BEN CHAPLIN

Aww fuck.

Suddenly, hordes of JAPANESE attack. People DIE. It is very SAD. The LIZARD that was shown in the beginning is DEAD.

DIRECTOR TERRENCE MALICK

Get it? Isn't this deep and meaningful?

TEENAGE BOYS IN AUDIENCE

What the fuck's he talkin' 'bout, yo? Let's see some Japanese ass get kicked, otherwise they'll never become pacifists and just make consumer electronics, like my crappy SONY PLAYSTATION and my NINTENDO 64 that I waste vast amounts of time playing, when I'm not listening to music on my SONY DISCMAN or watching my SONY TELEVISION.

TEENAGE GIRLS IN AUDIENCE

Where's MATT DAMON?! I thought he was supposed to be in this! He's SO CUTE, almost as cute as LEONARDO DICAPRIO.

WAR VETERANS IN AUDIENCE

Damn, when I was in the war, I just remember wanting to go home alive. I guess I should've noticed all that symbolism and the philosophical side to it. Now where are my dentures?

STAUNCH REPUBLICANS IN AUDIENCE

THIS MOVIE REALLY SHOWS WHY AMERICA RULES! USA IS THE BEST. WE HAVE THE BEST MILITARY IN THE WORLD, NOW WE RULE THE WORLD INSTEAD OF THOSE JAPANESE FUCKERS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE FUCKING HIPPIES IN THE 60'S DIDN'T WANT TO GO INTO ANOTHER JUNGLE AND FIGHT MORE ASIAN PEOPLE FOR THEIR COUNTRY! GOD BLESS THE USA, THE LAND OF THE FREE!

CRITICS

This movie sucks, SAVING PRIVATE RYAN was much better, because it had TOM HANKS, and WE LOVE TOM HANKS.

More leaves, trees, birds, etc.

FADE OUT:

GEORGE CLOONEY

Hey, wait, let me make my cameo before you end!

GEORGE CLOONEY shows up for some unnecessary part tacked on the end.

END