FADE IN:

INT. BUILDING - AMERICA - 1876

TOM CRUISE drinks incessantly, then tries to sell a GUN.

TOM CRUISE

Here I am praising modern weaponry, but I absolutely will never come to appreciate the ancient tools of warfare, as my narrow-minded American mindset prevents me from appreciating anything but technological progress.

TONY GOLDWYN

That same mindset is also why you will agree to do anything for money. I will take you to Japan, where you will help train the Japanese how to use modern weapons against the traditional samurai, only to discover that old traditions are more spiritually pure. By the way, in order to facilitate your eventual double cross, I'd like to take a moment or two to be an insufferable asshole.

TOM CRUISE

(guzzling whiskey)

Wait, wasn't the Japanese military trained by the Prussians, not Americans?

TONY GOLDWYN

Tom, nobody who watches this will know the real history of these events, so we can completely make it all up and simplify it beyond reason! Come, we must make our voyage to Japan - let's take the jet plane in the back!

TOM CRUISE

Aww, I wanted to use the space ship.

EXT. JAPAN

TOM tries to train the JAPANESE SOLDIERS but they SUCK HARD.

JAPANESE MILITARY LEADER

Okay, we must go fight the Samurai, led by Ken Watanabe, who has a tough exterior, but truly has a heart of gold.

They go into BATTLE and start LOSING. TOM shoots many Samurai warriors, and eventually runs out of ammunition. He then takes out a sword and kills many more, despite the fact that he is untrained with the weapon and fighting a multitude of Samurai. He is eventually surrounded, and still manages to kill a few more. During the fight sequence filming, in real life, co-star Hiroyuki Sanada almost slices TOM CRUISE'S HEAD off but narrowly avoids killing him.

GOD

Damn!

TOM is taken back to the village of his enemy, where he instantly loses his magical sword-fighting skills and must re develop them.

KEN WATANABE

Welcome to my village, Tom. While you are a prisoner here, please make yourself comfortable so that you may come to love our simple way of life. While you are here, I will call you "Dances With Samurai".

TOM learns how to use SWORDS and how to SPEAK JAPANESE.

TOM CRUISE

Ken, I have developed a fondness for your spirituality, honor, and discipline. Most importantly, I really like using swords, because you can cut off heads with them. Please train me in the ways of the Samurai, even though I am white, so that I may display cool fighting moves in a nonthreatening way to the white audience.

KEN WATANABE

It's like Kill Bill, but meant to be taken seriously.

TOM CRUISE

And far less entertaining.

TOM and KEN prepare for battle against the AMERICAN AND JAPANESE ARMY.

TONY GOLDWYN

Tom? You're a...

(snickering)

Samurai? You look fucking ridiculous.

TOM CRUISE

At least I don't look like an uglier version of Viggo Mortensen. You won't take this simple village, Tony. I will defend it to the death.

TONY GOLDWYN

What? Do you realize how grossly you've oversimplified this entire period in history? Have you even stopped to think about the morality of your actions?

TOM CRUISE

It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, what matters is whose custody I am in when I start to respect Japanese culture.

TONY GOLDWYN

Fine. Well just to make sure the audience isn't made uncomfortable by the moral ambiguity here, let me reiterate that I'm a deplorable son of a bitch.

JAPANESE MILITARY LEADER

And I'm an arrogant asshole!

They all FIGHT. It is incredibly VIOLENT and therefore GRITTY and DOWN-TO-EARTH. Almost everyone DIES, but the new JAPANESE ARMY dies with SHAME whereas the SAMURAI die with HONOR.

EMPEROR

Truly your discovery and infatuation with ancient Japanese culture has reminded me of my roots, and as such, I will destroy the progress of a whole bunch of stuff that has been going on, though it is incredibly inconsistent with my personality so far.

TOM CRUISE

I am honored to be The Last Samurai, outlasting even the most experienced warriors.

EMPEROR

Truly, it shows how great white people are at doing things.

(giving thumbs up sign)

Thanks, Hollywood!

END