The Abridged Script
EXT. PRETTY FIELD FULL OF PRETTY FLOWERS, 1917--AND THAT SHOULD BE THE ONLY SCENE HEADER WE GET, SO SETTLE IN AND BUCKLE UP FOLKS!
Resting calmly beneath a clear sky, all is good for DEAN-CHARLES CHAPMAN and GEORGE MACKAY except for the tiny detail of them being BRITISH SOLDIERS DURING WORLD WAR ONE which makes things more kind of SHIT.
Wake up, Lance Corporal Chapman! You've been selected for an unspecified mission of unknown risk, that may or may not involve crossing No Man's Land. Now pick someone to go with you.
Can I pick Wonder Woman?
How about Wolverine, or as he's currently known, James Howlett?
Did we get the rights to ANY immortal heroes who were active during WW1?
In that case I pick my buddy here, George MacKay. Who knows, maybe we have to win a Caillou lookalike contest.
GEORGE and DEAN-CHARLES walk over to the TRENCHES and walk into COLIN FIRTH'S BUNKER.
Good day gentlemen. Seems we're having a spot of bother with sixteen hundred of our men about to get massacred in an ambush or some nonsense. Do pop across enemy territory to warn them, there's a good chap.
That's my brother's regiment! I'll for sure complete this mission now, to save my BROTHER!
Cool. I'll worry about the other fifteen hundred and ninety-nine people.
Now remember lads, this mission is super duper important and will require 100% focus at all times. Therefore, you'll be doing it as a single unbroken scene, never using cuts.
Well, hardly ever. Here's the paper with my orders, and here is utterly nothing to keep it safe from mud or water.
GEORGE and DEAN-CHARLES walk through more TRENCHES looking for another FAMOUS ACTOR so they can begin the first stage of the mission.
That'd be me I guess, thanks Fleabag! Right, here's the walkthrough of the first level. Go past the dead horses, through the hole in the barbed wire to the giant muck field. Turn right at the mud, through the muck, left at the mucky mud, past the mud, then left again at the muddy muck.
Danger will lurk everywhere, so remember to save your progress when you see a typewriter.
(walks over to manual typewriter and creates save point GEORGE DEANCHARLES LVL1)
The two SOLDIERS embark across the eerily empty NO-MAN'S LAND.
I know the Germans are supposed to have retreated but I'm still nervous.
Chin up, we just have to keep our wits about us and-
(impales hand on barbed wire)
(falls into hole)
(plunges wounded hand through rotting corpse)
SHIT well we're off to a smashing start I must say.
Don't forget to have that looked at if we make it through, that's gotta be infected as fuck now.
No doubt. Let's muck about some more, shall we?
After quite a bit more MUCK they find themselves at the GERMAN TRENCHES. They carefully approach, and GEORGE finds a typewriter to enter save point GEORGE DEANCHARLES LVL2.
It seems deserted but look! This fire is recent, the Germans must be nearby!
(are SO NOT)
These barracks are empty too, I guess the fire was lit by the dozens of rats scurrying over everything in sight. Well I'm sure this swarm of rodents would have set off any tripwires by now, so we should be safe--
FRITZ THE RAT
ACHTUNG NOT ZO VAST BRITISH SVINE! I HAFF LONG AVAITED ZIS GLORIOUS MOMENT
(dives onto tripwire)
There is a HUGE EXPLOSION that BURIES GEORGE under the rubble! However DEAN-CHARLES manages to drag him OUT of the barracks before it COLLAPSES!
(falls to knees)
(enters savepoint GEORGE DEANCHARLES LVL3)
This is all your fault! There I was, nice and safely smack in the middle of World War One, and YOU went and put me in mortal danger! Fuck you!
But just think, maybe you'll get a new medal to go with your other medal.
I traded away that medal because medals suck. Fuck them. All awards and honours can eat donkey dick and you can shove your shiny trophies right up your fucking ass! For Your Consideration: 1917.
They walk towards a small orchard of CHERRY TREES, beyond which is a FARMHOUSE and then a BIG GIANT GREEN HILL.
Oh Christ look at the size of that fucking hill, it's gonna take forever to walk up that. We really gotta keep pretending this is one long continuous shot?
Maybe we'll find a vehicle or some other narrative accelerant in that farmhouse.
They find almost NOTHING OF USE although GEORGE does locate a bucket of FRESH MILK.
Oh nice. Take milk.
(you can't do that)
Empty flask. Take milk.
(your flask is now full of milk)
Hey look, there's a dogfight over there. Two of ours to one German, looks good!
Almost makes you wonder why they didn't send someone in a plane to deliver this urgent time-sensitive message.
Yay, our blokes shot down the German! Should we take cover?
Nah, he's got huge tracts of land to crash-land on. What are the odds he'll come barreling towards the only structure within miles WELP SHIT HERE HE COMES RIGHT THE FUCK AT US, SORRY, DUMB QUESTIONNNN
(leaps for cover!)
The German plane CRASHES right into the FARMHOUSE and is on FIRE! GEORGE and DEAN-CHARLES drag the German pilot free, then GEORGE goes to fetch some water while DEAN-CHARLES helpfully offers to store the German's KNIFE in his BELLY, MULTIPLE TIMES, OH SHIT.
I say that is NOT ON.
(blows German's brains out, what)
Ow this really fucking hurts. Feeling woozy... aw man they're digitally removing the colour from my face, THAT'S not a good sign...
It's okay, I'll restore our last save point!
No you can't dammit, that'll ruin the unbroken shot effect! Urk, ack! You must... find my brother! I know you'll recognize him... he'll be... another famous cameo...
Oh I say hello what, I'm here with my entire company of troops, did we walk in just five seconds too late? Ha ha, war is hell and all that. Anyway say hello to my men who were busy pissing and fucking around while your friend died in your arms.
I'm on a very important mission sir, delivering this message will save sixteen hundred lives. Don't suppose you'd want to come help?
Unfortunately I can't help you directly. But I'm famous enough to give orders, so you can ride along with us. At least that avoids watching you walk aaaallll the way up that big hill.
GEORGE gets on a TRUCK with a bunch of MARK'S SOLDIERS, one of whom is SIKH which apparently BLOWS SOME PEOPLE'S FUCKING MINDS SO DAMN HARD that the blast KNOCKS the TRUCK off the ROAD, where it gets stuck in MUD.
Everyone out! Now push, but leave all the emoting to me!
They get back on the ROAD and get as far as a TOWN but the BRIDGE has been taken out.
I'm afraid this where I and all my men and resources must leave you. But I can offer you this.
(holds out typewriter)
(enters save point JUSTGEORGE LVL 4)
To enter the town GEORGE must carefully balance his way along the broken BRIDGE. Just over halfway he is SHOT at!
Ah, it's about time for a good honest rifle battle! I'm sure all the other German soldiers in the area will hang back and let us resolve this one-on-one like good sports.
GEORGE figures his enemy's position and confronts him! They each SHOOT MORE, knocking GEORGE down some stairs and everything goes BLACK!
INT. BUILDING, HOURS LATER --- WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?! THAT WAS A GODDAMN CUT, WELL SO MUCH FOR THE WHOLE "ONE CONTINUOUS SCENE" THAT EVERYONE WAS GOING THE FUCK ON ABOUT, I'M SORRY BUT IF THIS FILM HAD REAL COMMITMENT WE WOULD JUST SIT AND WATCH SOME UNCONSCIOUS DUDE FOR FIVE HOURS AND WE'D FUCKING APPRECIATE IT
GEORGE wakes up and wanders through town towards a BIG BLAZING FIRE.
Ooh, fire pretty. Maybe that man heading this way would like to appreciate it with me. Hello friend, shall we bask in OH WAIT ENEMY TERRITORY, DAMMIT GEORGE TRY TO CONCENTRATE
(runs from gunfire!)
GEORGE recovers his wits sufficiently to ELUDE his pursuer and duck into an underground ROOM, where he finds-
Allo. Zut alors, I found this hungry baby and have nothing to feed it.
Hmm. Give milk to baby.
(you don't see any milk here)
Pour milk from flask. Give milk to baby.
(the baby is happy! Gain 10 Health)
Merci! This wet cloth against your head will clear up any lingering concussion. And please feel free to use my typewriter.
GEORGE creates save point JUSTGEORGE LVL5 and HEADS OUT only to find more ENEMY SOLDIERS and FLYING BULLETS! He RUNS AND RUNS and eventually does a SUPER MARIO JUMP into a RIVER, which carries him downstream to a FOREST. In the forest is a SOLDIER dropping the WW1 equivalent of PHAT BEATS to his regiment... the very one GEORGE is looking for!
At last! I must deliver these orders to someone famous enough to stop the attack!
Character actor... unknown actor... veteran extra... dammit!
You realize we still haven't shown the Big Epic Run that was in every single trailer, right? I mean, the audience knows this thing can't possibly end until that happens, so we're all just waiting.
Very well! I shall loosen my hair, don sword and shield, and dramatically EMERGE onto the field of battle!! And now... TO RUN!
(deflects shells with bracelets)
GEORGE successfully reaches the FIRST CLASS TRENCH, and struggles his way into a room with... BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!!
Hm. These orders say the Germans were baiting me to attack and it's a massive ambush. Shit.
I have decided to... not attack. Terribly sorry to the men who already started, but stiff upper lip and all that. Those who still have lips, anyway.
GEORGE staggers over to the medical tents and finds DEAN-CHARLES'S brother... RICHARD MADDEN!
I say, I'm rather surprised I survived till the end, what. Is my brother with you?
I'm afraid not sir. But he died as he lived, looking vaguely like Jack Black.
Well that's damn fine of him. Excuse me, I must have a fit of British emotion.
(puts three lumps of sugar in tea)
GEORGE looks for a fitting BOOKEND to the film and spots another TREE next to a pretty field. He SITS DOWN against it, exhausted from his epic journey.
After all this, I have newfound appreciation for my life... and that of my wife and daughter, whose pictures I carry with me inside this case. I'll just open it and look at-
(gangrened hand falls off)