FADE IN:

INT. DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS' BEDROOM

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS is FAST ASLEEP when he is suddenly JERKED AWAKE by a PHONE CALL.

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

(groggy)

Hello?

ADAM SANDLER

(unintelligible)

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Who is this? Adam? Is that you?

ADAM SANDLER

Duuude! You have to see this YouTube video! It's called "What Does The Fox Say" and it's fucking hilarious! We gotta turn this into a movie right now!

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Adam, it's three in the morning. Are you drunk? Can we do this later? Or preferably not at all?

ADAM SANDLER

Bwoarhahaaaa! "Fish go blub!" I'm dying over here! Get the rights to that shit!

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Adam, please! You do realise that the Sony data hack has made the world aware of the fact that even Sony is dog-dick tired of your juvenile toilet comedies, right? Nobody's interested in seeing another one of your paid vacations!

ADAM SANDLER

You're not gonna stop me, Chris. This is going to happen, one way or another!

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

Well, then at least --

(sighs)

Here, look up the short film "Pixels" on Vimeo.

ADAM SANDLER

(indistinct keyboard clattering)

Oh my GOD, this is GENIUS! Okay, this is what we're doing! It'll be Independence Day meets that one videogame-centric Tale of Interest from Futurama!

DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS

But infinitely more horrible than either, got it. Now please let me go back to sleep.

CHRIS hangs up and tries to SLEEP, but ends up staring holes into the CEILING as he contemplates the HORROR OF WHAT HE HAS JUST WROUGHT.

CUT TO:

INT. ARCADE CHAMPIONSHIP - 1982

YOUNG ADAM SANDLER and YOUNG KEVIN JAMES are taking part in an ARCADE CHAMPIONSHIP, where they meet YOUNG JOSH GAD.

YOUNG ADAM SANDLER

Alright, let's quickly endear ourselves to the audience as likeable and charismatic protagonists!

YOUNG KEVIN JAMES

Well, I stole a jar full of quarters off a little girl's lemonade stand to fund my arcade binges! I ended up sucking at those, so I just wasted the rest of her hard-earned money on claw crane games!

YOUNG JOSH GAD

I'm in creeplove with a fictional game character and I'm also a raging conspiracy nut! What is UP with that Bermuda Triangle, am I right?

YOUNG ADAM SANDLER

That's basically the opposite of what I said! At least I seem to be a well-adjusted teenager who's preternaturally gifted at playing arcade games.

YOUNG KEVIN JAMES

Maybe, but you're still going to grow up to be Adam Sandler!

To make matters worse, YOUNG PETER DINKLAGE struts in while being FLANKED by BOOTH BABES.

YOUNG PETER DINKLAGE

Whazzaaa, bitches! I'm a raging dickwad who calls himself the Fireblaster! When these babes aren't stroking my massive ego, they're stroking my dinklage! I mean my penis, of course.

YOUNG ADAM SANDLER

We are off to a fucking great start here.

They all gather for an INTRODUCTION from DAN AYKROYD, who has trouble being heard over the sound of HOW FAST HE WANTS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

DAN AYKROYD

Welcome, gamers! Although videogames have been struggling for mainstream legitimacy since their very inception, we're going to ignore all that and pretend they're a cultural landmark worthy of being representative of humanity's entire creative output! I'm not even joking about that, since NASA will be placing footage of this tournament into a space probe as part of a message to possible extraterrestrial life! Isn't that just a wafer-thin premise? I think so!

YOUNG JOSH GAD

Aliens exist! The truth is out there!

The TOURNAMENT begins and YOUNG ADAM finds himself facing YOUNG PETER for the FINAL ROUND, which involves playing DONKEY KONG.

YOUNG ADAM SANDLER

In the spirit of good sportsmanship, I wish you all the best.

YOUNG PETER DINKLAGE

You don't stand a chance, you worthless piece of snatch leakage! You may have learned to anticipate the patterns in all the other games on the floor, but the barrels in Donkey Kong are randomised on the higher levels!

YOUNG ADAM SANDLER

Whoa, you really are a detestable little fuckwit.

They play a bunch of DONKEY KONG and eventually YOUNG PETER wins.

YOUNG PETER DINKLAGE

Eat it, sucker! I can already tell that you'll be tracing the cause of your miserable life back to this point!

YOUNG ADAM SANDLER

Please, I lost an arcade tournament. There's no way I'm petty enough for that to completely define me!

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - WASHINGTON D.C.

In the PRESENT DAY, ADAM SANDLER and KEVIN JAMES are having DRINKS in a DIVE BAR.

KEVIN JAMES

Hey, remember when you lost that arcade tournament?

ADAM SANDLER

OH COME ON!

KEVIN JAMES

I'm just saying, it's emblematic of how you haven't really done anything with your life! You went to MIT and now you're a cable repair guy!

ADAM SANDLER

Seriously? That's exactly the same character Jeff Goldblum played in Independence Day! Besides, it's not like you've done anything with your potential, such as it was! What are you, an insurance agent? Tax auditor? Regular office schlub?

KEVIN JAMES

Actually, I'm President of the United States. You can see me on the television behind you reading a book to some schoolchildren and looking like an idiot. Gee whiz, I wonder which actual event involving an actual president we're referencing with that one!

ADAM SANDLER

You're -- you're president? Fucking what?

KEVIN JAMES

You might even say I have fulfilled my potential, seeing as how I once crushed a little girl's entrepreneurial spirit by taking away all her money. I was born to do this job.

ADAM SANDLER

I dare say, off the top of my head, should an alien invasion occur as we speak, that STILL wouldn't be as implausible as the country trusting Paul Blart with the launch codes!

As they SPEAK, the AMERICAN AIR FORCE BASE in GUAM is attacked by SOME COLOURED LIGHTS that turn everything into TINY TESSERACTS.

INT. HOUSE - WASHINGTON D.C.

ADAM arrives at the house of TEENAGER MATT LINTZ to install a HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM and act like that's BENEATH HIM.

ADAM SANDLER

Hello, I am from a tech company called Nerd Brigade, because that's how on the nose we're being about everything.

MATT LINTZ

That means we can just front-load all the exposition instead of subtly layering it in, right? Well, my parents are divorced and I live with my mom who is now single because she is divorced.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN walks in.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Honey, are you volunteering private details about my personal life to random strangers again?

MATT LINTZ

It's okay, mom! We don't have to be subtle about anything!

ADAM SANDLER

Yes, that's why I'm gawping at you right now. Buhhhh.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Oh in that case, I think I'll go weep in the closet because apparently I'm the love interest in an Adam Sandler movie!

KATE BECKINSALE

I feel your pain.

After he installs the HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM, ADAM joins MICHELLE in the CLOSET.

ADAM SANDLER

Hey, don't be upset. If it makes you feel any better, you can treat me like human garbage for a while, you know, before you inevitably warm up to me.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

(wiping away tears)

That's something, at least.

ADAM SANDLER

Here, I'll give you some incentive right away.

(leans in for a kiss)

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Ew, no! You are so out of my league, which unfortunately is meaningless in your movies! Still, I bet you didn't even brush your teeth this morning!

ADAM SANDLER

Now now, you should be glad a self-proclaimed nerd's trying to kiss you! We're great kissers because we appreciate it more!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

That may very well be the saddest thing I've ever heard.

ADAM is then asked to go see PRESIDENT KEVIN JAMES at the WHITE HOUSE. PRESIDENT KEVIN JAMES. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON D.C.

ADAM is ushered into the WHITE HOUSE and realises MICHELLE has joined him there.

ADAM SANDLER

Yeah, White House access! I don't seem like such an insignificant gnat now, do I?

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

So what? I'm a lieutenant colonel working for DARPA, how do you like that?

ADAM SANDLER

Oh what's this? I've been asked to go meet with the president directly? Ooph, that must sting!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

What is this? Why do we keep trying to top each other?

ADAM SANDLER

Don't you get it? It's a game of one-upmanship! 1UP! It's a pun!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Truly, hell is empty.

ADAM joins KEVIN in the OVAL OFFICE.

KEVIN JAMES

Ah, Adam! Come over here and take a look at this footage of our base in Guam being attacked.

ADAM SANDLER

Is that something you're allowed to share with a civilian?

KEVIN JAMES

Lord no, but it just so happens you might be able to provide some unique insight! Yes, still the same deal as Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day, why hide it?

ADAM SANDLER

(checks the footage)

It looks like we've been attacked by Galaga!

KEVIN JAMES

Right. I have to go speak with the National Security Council. Can I trust you not to barge in there and embarrass me any more than you already have over the years?

ADAM SANDLER

Fundamentally no.

KEVIN heads over to the NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL, where ADMIRAL BRIAN COX is eager to MONGER SOME WARS.

BRIAN COX

It was Moscow! No, Iran! No wait, North Korea! Fuck it, let's bomb them all back to the Stone Age!

KEVIN JAMES

What subtle satire of the military-industrial complex. Actually, I have it on weird authority that we were attacked by Galaga.

ADAM SANDLER

(barging in, of course)

Yes, Galaga! The original arcade version before it was patched in 1986, in point of fact! Now, who wants a crappy nickname? I've got some real gems in the chamber!

KEVIN JAMES

Adam, could you please give us a moment? Or preferably all of them?

ADAM SANDLER

Fine, but I'm going to take fucking ages to walk out of the room while I lapse into a shitty comedy routine!

BRIAN COX

Leave the bombing to us!

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C.

ADAM is driving HOME when he suddenly discovers JOSH GAD in the back of his VAN.

ADAM SANDLER

BWUAAAARGH!

JOSH GAD

EEEEAAAAH!

This goes on until ADAM ends up at JOSH'S HOUSE.

JOSH GAD

Actually, it's not my house. I live with my grandmother, because why not add a generation to the living-in-my-mom's-basement nerd stereotype?

ADAM SANDLER

Just tell me what you want, Josh. And back up a bit, will ya? You're invading my space, which incidentally is the only allusion to Space Invaders in this, a movie about a videogame-themed invasion from space.

JOSH GAD

Sure, why not. Anyway, the reason I snuck into your van is that I wanted to show you something.

ADAM SANDLER

If it's about your creeplove for that game character or more conspiracy theories, I think I can do without.

JOSH GAD

Besides all that. Remember that space probe Dan Aykroyd reluctantly mentioned? Well, the aliens found it and used the recording of the arcade tournament to make their forces look and act like old-timey videogames! I know all this because they've beamed down a declaration of war to my old VHS copy of One Tree Hill! If you were expecting a joke there, I seriously can't make that any more ridiculous than it already is.

JOSH shows ADAM the MESSAGE, which uses SEVERAL FAMILIAR FACES FROM THE EIGHTIES, like RONALD REAGAN and MADONNA.

JOSH GAD

See? Co-opting videogames isn't enough, general eighties nostalgia is on the chopping block as well!

ADAM SANDLER

We have to show this to Kevin before they bring back Wham!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON D.C.

ADAM and JOSH meet with KEVIN in the OVAL OFFICE.

JOSH GAD

According to the message, there will be more attacks, the first of which will hit India!

ADAM SANDLER

Great! More cultural heritage to stomp on!

KEVIN JAMES

Guys, I can't authorise any military action based on this wafer-thin premise! My approval ratings are already bottoming out because I'm Kevin James!

The TAJ MAHAL is then attacked by a VERSION OF ARKANOID while MORE CULTURAL HERITAGE IS STOMPED ON.

KEVIN JAMES

Oh, if only I had listened to the mad ramblings of a 9/11 truther! Okay, let's go see Michelle down in R&D.

They head DOWNSTAIRS to talk to MICHELLE.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Gentlemen and also Adam, we've discovered that the aliens are using some form of light energy. As you can see from this single pixel we've retrieved, it destroys anything it touches, except this safety case we put it in.

KEVIN JAMES

Is there any way we can stop them?

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

We believe so. With a volley of charged light particles from these specially designed cannons, we can blast them into bits!

ADAM SANDLER

Fighting light with more light, I love it!

KEVIN JAMES

Adam, why don't you and Josh address our soldiers and prepare them for what's coming?

JOSH GAD

Ooh, can I do my drill instructor bit?

(clears throat)

ALRIGHT YOU MAGGOTS, IT'S TIME TO --

ADAM SANDLER

I want to say "Ignore my friend here," but I'm afraid that's impossible. Now, many of you might scoff at my gaming skills, which have been called pointless and a waste of time. But now a situation has arisen in which those skills have become invaluable! I am Earth's only hope! The lesson we can take away from this is that you don't have to change for the better, because one day life will just adapt to you!

ADAM spends some time TRAINING THE SOLDIERS while JOSH SEXUALLY HARASSES THEM.

EXT. HYDE PARK - LONDON

The next ATTACK is set to take place in LONDON. ADAM and JOSH arrive to meet with MILITARY OFFICIAL SEAN BEAN, who just broke up a SOCCER MATCH because LONDON, RIGHT BLOKES?

SEAN BEAN

I hate nerds. I mean, I really fucking hate them. Why don't you two just piss off and let real men handle this?

ADAM SANDLER

I see you haven't been briefed on my Earth's-only-hope speech.

The SOLDIERS get ready for the ATTACK, which turns out to be patterned on CENTIPEDE. They instantly FORGET THEIR TRAINING and are OVERRUN.

ADAM SANDLER

Time for some of my patented obnoxious yelling! HIT THEM IN THE HEADS! IF YOU HIT THE BODY, THEY'LL JUST SPLIT IN TWO! ARGLE BARGLE!

(beat)

Looks like I'll have to do this myself! All my time spent on joysticks and buttons will surely translate to pinpoint accuracy with these light cannons I've never handled before!

JOSH GAD

I CAN HELP WITH THE OBNOXIOUS YELLING!

ADAM and JOSH successfully FEND OFF THE ATTACK and ensure that SEAN BEAN DOESN'T DIE. YES, THE MOVIE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT.

KEVIN JAMES

Great job, guys! Although not so great that I don't think we should bring in some extra help for the next attack!

ADAM SANDLER

Couldn't let me enjoy this victory for even a minute, could you?

INT. PRISON

ADAM and KEVIN visit PETER DINKLAGE, who's in PRISON for being a DETESTABLE LITTLE FUCKWIT and also FRAUD.

PETER DINKLAGE

You know all the Game of Thrones fans hoping Tyrion won't be killed off? I'm here to make them change their minds, starting with the way I look. I'm pretty sure my character sheet just says "Joe Dirt."

ADAM SANDLER

Peter, what's it going to take for you to help us out and not act like a cocky little snot while you do?

PETER DINKLAGE

Let's take a look at my list of demands! First of all, I don't want to pay any more taxes. Ever.

KEVIN JAMES

Are you seriously ripping off the stupidest part of Armageddon right now?

PETER DINKLAGE

Don't worry, I'll add something even stupider! I also want Martha Stewart and Serena Williams to be the peanut butter and jelly in a little sandwich for me.

KEVIN JAMES

I already prefer planetary annihilation.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

The ARCADERS, which is what ADAM, JOSH and PETER are REALLY CALLING THEMSELVES, arrive in NEW YORK CITY to fight off the NEXT ATTACK.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

This time, we're being attacked by Pac-Man. He's the bad guy, so you will be acting as the Ghosts by driving these colour-coded Mini Coopers outfitted with particle generators.

ADAM SANDLER

And now we're ripping off The Italian Job as well, sure.

PETER DINKLAGE

Oh phew, I thought the Mini Coopers were a stab at my height.

JOSH GAD

Why is there a fourth car?

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

You'll be joined by Toru Iwatani, the creator of Pac-Man!

PETER DINKLAGE

There is no way in hell the actual Toru Iwatani would want to appear in this steaming turd of a movie!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

You're correct, which is why he's being played by Denis Akiyama.

DENIS AKIYAMA

Konichiwa!

PETER DINKLAGE

That still means Iwatani granted the rights to his likeness, which is only slightly less bad.

They take the GHOSTS out into the STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY and come across PAC-MAN being a DICK.

JOSH GAD

He's not even making the wakka wakka sound!

DENIS AKIYAWA

Hold on! I think I can reason with him! After all, he's my creation. He's my sweet little boy.

PAC-MAN

FUCK YOU! THIS IS FOR PAC-MAN 2: THE NEW ADVENTURES!

PAC-MAN BITES AND PIXELATES DENIS' ARM, and is then CHASED AROUND by the remaining GHOSTS. PETER somehow manages to TELEPORT AROUND and NAILS PAC-MAN TWICE, but then DRIVES STRAIGHT INTO THE RIVER.

PETER DINKLAGE

I totally meant to do that!

PAC-MAN then eats a POWER PELLET, which makes the GHOSTS VULNERABLE.

JOSH GAD

AAAAH, HE'S CHASING ME! Wait, nobody's made a crack about me being a virgin, right? I'll do it myself then. I DON'T WANNA DIE A VIRGIN!

After PAC-MAN partially EATS JOSH'S CAR but unfortunately NOT JOSH, ADAM manages to TRAP AND KILL HIM.

ADAM SANDLER

Yes! I knew playing Pac-Man for all those years would turn me into an excellent stunt driver!

JOSH GAD

Guys, look what I found! The aliens sent down one of their own as a trophy for our victory! It's Q*Bert!

Q*BERT

(gibberish)

JOSH GAD

I think he's saying "Kill me!"

INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON D.C.

ADAM is hanging out with MATT LINTZ and Q*BERT in the R&D DEPARTMENT.

MATT LINTZ

Look, I'm playing The Last of Us! Isn't it amazing how far games have come since your heyday?

ADAM SANDLER

But there's no pattern to any of this! Those zombies just flail around at random!

MATT LINTZ

Really, dude? That's where your smog of superiority regarding the classic arcade games comes from? You can figure out the patterns? What about all the advances in storytelling, the intelligent use of interactivity, the increasing fidelity of the visuals as well as the potential for stylised graphics, the rise of indie games as a tool for personal expression?

ADAM SANDLER

Nah, this looks way too violent. Videogames are too violent nowadays!

MATT LINTZ

Just fucking fuck you.

Q*BERT

Actually, my race was a peaceful one until we found those videogames and declared war on you, so in a roundabout way, this movie is sending the message that videogames corrupt!

ADAM SANDLER

Q*Bert, you're not supposed to talk! Here, hoover up some of these cheese balls!

MATT LINTZ

Don't make him suck balls more than he already does. Come to think, why isn't he at Area 51 getting his pixelated ass dissected right now?

JOSH GAD

Did someone say Area 51?

ADAM SANDLER

I think I'll go hit on your mom now.

ADAM approaches MICHELLE.

ADAM SANDLER

Hey, want to accompany me to the banquet Kevin is throwing tomorrow?

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Egh, are we already past the you're-human-garbage stage?

ADAM SANDLER

Yes. There's a closet over there if you feel like crying some more.

INT. DINING HALL - WASHINGTON D.C.

EVERYONE is attending a BANQUET to celebrate the LATEST VICTORY.

ADAM SANDLER

Michelle, smell my breath.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

You brushed your teeth. Is that what wins me over? I seriously need to revisit my standards.

ADAM SANDLER

Now let's go to the balcony and chug a brewski! I know that doesn't sound very appealing, but it's either that or staying in here and hearing Josh Gad sing.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

I really have to embody the perfect chick that exists in your head, don't I?

Just then, the ALIENS use HALL & OATES to send another MESSAGE. They claim EARTH FORFEITED the GAME because SOMEONE CHEATED.

PETER DINKLAGE

I'm not a cheater, who said I am?

MATT LINTZ

Let me see your sunglasses! Oh my God, you've got cheat codes to Pac-Man inscribed on the inside! Overlooking the fact that Pac-Man doesn't even HAVE cheat codes, how in the living fuck did that allow you to teleport a car?

PETER DINKLAGE

I can't believe you're still trying to poke holes in all this!

MATT is then CLAIMED as a TROPHY by the ALIENS and BEAMED UP TO THE MOTHERSHIP.

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C.

The MOTHERSHIP hovers over WASHINGTON D.C. and attacks it with EVERY REMAINING ARCADE FRANCHISE IT FINAGLED THE RIGHTS TO.

ADAM SANDLER

We have to get to the mothership and basically hope to get one last shot at beating them!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

That's not a plan! That's not a plan at all!

JOSH GAD

LOOK OUT, IT'S FUCKING FROGGER!

Right before they're SMOOSHED, KEVIN conveniently shows up and PLUCKS FROGGER OUT OF THE AIR with a GIANT CRANE that doesn't PIXELATE upon TOUCHING HIM.

KEVIN JAMES

That's right, bitches! The president himself is joining this fight! Fuck you, Independence Day!

ADAM SANDLER

Josh, you stay here and defend the city! We'll head for the mothership!

JOSH GAD

You Gad it!

JOSH ends up FIGHTING a couple of CHIBI NINJAS and suddenly faces ASHLEY BENSON, the CREEPLOVE OF HIS LIFE.

JOSH GAD

Oh my Gad, it's really you! Wait, which game are you and those ninjas from?

ASHLEY BENSON

Actually, they made one up because they have at least enough respect for the licensed properties that they didn't want to saddle any of those with Josh Gad.

JOSH GAD

What do you mean, saddle?

ASHLEY BENSON

I'm in love with you too, apparently. This nerd wish fulfilment theme is being played to the hilt here!

They KISS and again, JOSH doesn't get PIXELATED. Meanwhile, ADAM, MICHELLE and KEVIN have arrived underneath the MOTHERSHIP. Suddenly, the ALIENS address them in the form of MAX HEADROOM.

MAX HEADROOM

Were you guys hoping to get one last shot at beating us? Because you're getting exactly that! AHAHAA! AHAHAA!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

WHAT THE FUCK?

ADAM SANDLER

Hey, if the power of creeplove can save Josh, I think we can safely rely on the power of idlehope.

They're all BEAMED UP TO THE MOTHERSHIP.

INT. MOTHERSHIP

ADAM, MICHELLE and KEVIN learn they'll have to fight DONKEY KONG while MATT LINTZ LOOKS ON.

ADAM SANDLER

Oh no, the one game I suck at!

KEVIN JAMES

You don't suck at Donkey Kong, you came in second!

MATT LINTZ

You actually came in first! Peter cheated and apparently nobody caught him putting in a weird sequence of codes that doesn't actually exist!

ADAM SANDLER

But there's no pattern to the barrels! Okay everybody, just lie down and get crushed, there's nothing we can do.

MATT LINTZ

Oh you whiny little malcontent! Don't you see? EVERYTHING IS RANDOM! The aliens are all evil, except the ones that aren't! They pixelate everything they touch, except when they don't! Ashley Benson is an alien, but she's not made up of pixels! The space probe was sent up in 1982, but The Max Headroom Show only debuted three years later! There's no consistency, no pattern whatsoever! Things just happen arbitrarily in service of moving this sorry excuse for a story along!

ADAM SANDLER

So nothing matters and I can just do whatever?

MATT LINTZ

Exactly!

ADAM throws a BIG HAMMER at DONKEY KONG and WINS THE GAME. This results in ALL THE ALIENS IN THE CITY EXPLODING, as befits the JOSS WHEDON SCHOOL OF CLIMACTIC BATTLE RESOLUTIONS.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Wait, we came here with our light cannons. Why didn't we just use those?

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON D.C.

KEVIN is addressing the NATION.

KEVIN JAMES

I have brokered a peace accord with the aliens. It wasn't easy, since it involved sitting down with Ted Nugent. Goddamn eighties nostalgia!

ADAM SANDLER

Hey Josh, why are you so upset? We won!

JOSH GAD

Yeah, but Ashley Benson exploded along with all the other aliens when you beat Donkey Kong. Why must I be the one to fall victim to a sudden respect for internal consistency?

But then, Q*BERT is inexplicably transformed into ASHLEY BENSON.

ADAM SANDLER

Egh, I don't know which would be worse. Q*Bert choosing to do that or being transformed against his will.

JOSH GAD

Awesome! A literal trophy wife! Let's make a bunch of little Q*Berts! Seriously, that's actually going to happen.

PETER DINKLAGE

And I just got a text from Serena Williams saying she's up for that threesome with Martha Stewart!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

That is wrong on so many levels.

ADAM SANDLER

Hah, levels. Nice gaming pun! Now let's you and me make out.

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

You know what? No. Fuck you. You are aware that Jennifer Aniston passed on my role, right? I'm playing a character that Jennifer Fucking Aniston thought she was too good for!

ADAM SANDLER

Come on now, you have to. Josh and Peter got their wish! All us nerds deserve a little luck in love!

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

That's the problem! First you indulge in all the outdated clichés about nerds and pile on the hate from inconsequential characters generally regarded as real men, like Brian Cox and Sean Bean. Then you attempt to counter that with a fantastical scenario in which nerds would thrive and be treated as heroes! It's basically Revenge of the Nerds, but for middle-aged white men instead of high schoolers!

ADAM SANDLER

Yes, but --

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

Let me finish. Touting arcade games as being culturally valuable falls flat as well, because you're comparatively shitting on modern-day games to do it! Again, you've dreamed up some incredibly specific scenario in which arcade games would be legitimised, but they didn't need any legitimising! You may have very well done more harm than good to them!

ADAM SANDLER

You see, the thing is --

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

LET ME FINISH! I will say, this nostalgic throwback to the eighties is at least reasonably comprehensive, because it also champions some really sexist values! Women are apparently just prizes for entitled men! I mean, all Jane Krakowski did in this movie is bake a fucking cake!

ADAM SANDLER

Jane Krakowski was in this?

MICHELLE MONAGHAN

MY POINT EXACTLY! And after all that, you know what the worst thing about this movie is? These aren't pixels. They're voxels.

END