FADE IN:

EXT. MEGA CITY ONE

Imagine the city in BLADE RUNNER. Now imagine the city in BLADE RUNNER on CGI STEROIDS. Congratulations, you are qualified enough to be working in the ART DEPARTMENT.

KARL URBAN (V.O.)

(through clenched teeth)

Growl. Snarl. Grimace. In the future there are 5 million crimes happening every 8th of a second, so not quite as bad as Detroit. There are only enough cops known as "judges" to respond to 6% of those crimes, so you can pretty much get away with anything as long as you're not a complete fucktard. Oh look, here are some now.

A van full of clinically certified FUCKTARDS manslaughter a guy. JUDGE KARL arrests the FUCKTARDS with BULLETS except for one guy who holds a woman at gunpoint.

FUCKTARD

I want to be read my rights and taken to jail where I will use my one phone call to summon my lawyer!

JUDGE KARL

Attempting to invoke your rights is a federal offense. The sentence is death.

FUCKTARD

But I have a really good lawyer, just let me get him down here and he'll clear this all up.

JUDGE KARL

Having a lawyer is a capital offense. The sentence is also death.

FUCKTARD

But

(killed with fireworks)

INT. HALL OF JUDGENESS

JUDGE KARL meets his plucky new sidekick OLIVIA THIRLBY.

JUDGE KARL

So you failed the Judge SAT test, but you've got Kuato powers so we're giving you one more chance to prove yourself.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(using mind powers)

I sense that you're very... You're kind of... You're sort of...

JUDGE KARL

Yeah? Go on?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(pause)

Uh, nevermind. Forget it.

JUDGE KARL

But you were about to reveal something interesting and profound about me that might give my character the slightest shred of depth.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(looks at watch)

Wow, you haven't shot anyone for a full two minutes.

JUDGE KARL

Damn, you're right. Characterization can go fuck itself. Let's go kill something.

JUDGE KARL and OLIVIA set out to do some JUDGING.

JUDGE KARL

Your assessment begins now. If you don't shoot at least fourteen guys in the face, that's an automatic fail. If at least one of those guys doesn't have a vagina, that's an automatic fail. If you get a single bruise on your angelic face, that's an automatic fail. If you ruin your professionally styled hair or smudge your professionally applied makeup, that's an automatic fail. And if you lose your magic judge gun that's an automatic fail. Any questions?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Yeah, are you REALLY going to wear that stupid Angry Video Game Nerd Frown throughout the entire movie?

JUDGE KARL

FAIL! FUCKING AUTOMATIC FAIL!

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Alright alright I take it back! Gawd!

INT. "PEACH TREES", AKA THAT HIGH RISE IN "THE RAID: REDEMPTION" (NO REALLY, THE SAME ONE) (NO REALLY) (NO, REALLY)

All 200 floors are ruled by LENA HEADEY, who had an unfortunate incident with THE UGLY TREE, its BRANCHES and HER FACE hitting all of said BRANCHES.

LENA HEADEY

I am the leader of a ruthless gang that produces a drug that makes you think you're in a Zack Snyder flick. The drug is called "Slo-Mo"

(pause)

It took us weeks to come up with that name.

(pause)

Weeks.

(smokes Slo-Mo)

Oooh look, water pretty. Splashy splashy. Pretty sparkle water.

WOOD HARRIS

Lena, three of your drug dealing lackeys have stepped out of line. I suggest that we--

LENA HEADEY

Kill them as publicly and gruesomely as possible, thereby drawing attention to the building in which my illegal drug empire is housed?

WOOD HARRIS

Uh, are you sure that's the best option? I hear the mob across town is sending guys back in time and killing them there instead--

LENA HEADEY

Hey I didn't become the head of my own criminal organization by being smart or keeping a low profile, now get with the murderin'.

WOOD skins the three drug dealers and drops them 200 stories to their deaths, but gives them some SLO-MO first because he is a prick.

JUDGE KARL and OLIVIA arrive to investigate the MURDERS.

JUDGE KARL

These dead guys were drug dealers. I'd sentence them to death but someone beat me to it.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Great, someone did our job for us. So we can go home now, right?

JUDGE KARL

Negatory. Robbing me of a kill is an offense punishable by death. Let's go find the guys who killed these guys I would have killed and kill them.

JUDGE KARL and OLIVIA meet with the local EXPOSITORY BLACK GUY.

EXPOSITORY BLACK GUY

Lena is a hardcore queenpin. She chewed off her pimp's penis and took over his gang, then took over this entire high rise by killing all the rival gangs. She solves all her problems with violence.

JUDGE KARL

Sounds like my kind of woman. Is she single?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

So basically we're dealing with a discount version of Griselda Blanco.

EXPOSITORY BLACK GUY

Yeah, except a thousand times prettier.

JUDGE KARL

Thanks for the exposition. Now as long as you don't show up in the movie again there's a good chance you won't be shot in the face.

EXPOSITORY BLACK GUY

Don't worry, my little fort has a cliche defense system so as long as I stay in it I should be safe.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(using mind powers)

Yeah, you might want to start amending your will and contacting your next of kin. Like right this second. I mean it. Go. Now.

JUDGE KARL and OLIVIA stumble across a CRACK DEN, or SLO-MO DEN, whatever.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Yes! My very first shootout! I'm ready!

JUDGE KARL

You sure? You're not even wearing your judging helmet.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

That's because I can't see fucking shit out of that thing. It's like looking through a mail slot through a tinted window in the dark. Besides, helmets are like psychic kryptonite and render my ability completely useless.

JUDGE KARL

But earlier you were able to read my mind through my helmet. Through a wall. While standing in another room. Why are you being such a chickenshit about wearing your helmet?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Look, with Lena's face all jacked up there's no way they were going to hide the prettiest girl's face underneath a stupid helmet for the whole movie.

JUDGE KARL

So now we get to stare at your spaced out expression for 90 minutes? Not a good cost-to-benefit ratio if you ask me.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

But I thought using more than one facial expression was an offense punishable by death?

JUDGE KARL

Good, you're learning.

(pause)

Learning is also an offense punishable by death. Just kidding. But not really. But really. Now let me use my lock-picking grenade to open this door.

JUDGE KARL and OLIVIA storm the SLO-MO DEN and kill as many people as they fucking can using 3D. Anyone who is not killed should have bought a PowerBall ticket because they just beat the odds.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Hey, all these guys were on Slo-Mo so shouldn't they have seen us coming and shot us dead?

JUDGE KARL

No, stupid. The drug just makes users experience time slower, that doesn't mean they can move or react any faster. Then the drug would be called "Fas-Mo", aka "Meth". Do people really not understand how the drug works? It's not like this is fucking algebra II we're dealing with here. BTW Olivia, extra judging points for not getting any blood on your face or in your hair.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(using mind powers)

Karl! Wood Harris is the guy who killed those other guys you didn't get to kill! I'm 99% sure!

JUDGE KARL

You know I can't explode a guy's brain bucket based on 99%.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

The fuck you can't. We just barged into this apartment and executed a shitload of people based on a lot less than 99% certainty!

JUDGE KARL

Questioning my actions is an offense punishable by--

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Yeah yeah yeah.

JUDGE KARL and OLIVIA arrest WOOD but leave all THE OTHER surviving criminals behind who just wait patiently to be arrested LATER I guess.

LENA HEADEY

Fuck! Wood is going to rat me out! Lock the building down! Hit the "Close All Doors" button! Also known as the "reverse Cabin in the Woods" button!

JUDGE KARL, OLIVIA and WOOD are locked inside the high rise. LENA address the entire building on the PA system.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)

I'd like a number 7, two number 9's, a large soda, a bag of Cheetos, and... wait, what do you mean this isn't the drive thru? Everybody can hear me? I'm so embarrassed.

(clears throat)

Err, what I meant to say is I want Karl and Olivia dead. Anyone who tries to help them will get a bullet transplant in their skull, free of charge. That is all. Oh, and someone go get me that stuff I ordered. Slo-Mo gives me the fucking munchies.

JUDGE KARL and OLIVIA check the calendar and confirm that, yes, it is in fact FACE SHOOTING DAY and celebrate the holiday by giving SOME THUGS gift cards, coupons, fruitcake, and various other presents which are made out of BULLETS TO THE FACE.

JUDGE KARL

What the hell Olivia? You left one guy with his face un-shot.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

But he looks so innocent! And blonde! Like me!

JUDGE KARL

Uh-oh, I feel an automatic fail coming on.

OLIVIA shoots the NAMELESS THUG right in his NAMELESS FACE.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Killing a bunch of minority thugs is one thing, but killing one average looking white thug was emotionally taxing.

(pause)

And I STILL didn't get any blood on me? Yippie!

JUDGE KARL

Okay we need to conserve our ammo so try to limit the amount of shots to the face to around 10. I know it will be difficult, but you will just have to manage.

JUDGE KARL, OLIVIA and WOOD run from MORE THUGS who are in a real hurry to get to THUG HEAVEN. OLIVIA uses her BRAIN POWERS to get inside the apartment of a WELFARE QUEEN.

WELFARE QUEEN

What? I'm not a welfare queen! I'm just a poor woman who fears for the safety of her child!

JUDGE KARL

Whatever, Casey Anthony. Now tell us how to get off of this level or I will charge you with using government funds to keep your family from starving, which is an offense punishable by you know what.

WELFARE QUEEN

There's a plot convenience elevator down that corridor that looks like every other corridor. Oh, and Lena threatened to kill my family if my husband didn't join her gang so if you see him please don't shoot him in the face.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

(using mind powers)

Holy shit, that blonde guy I shot is your husband! Who knew thugs had families too?

(pause)

Oh well. Byee!

JUDGE KARL

Listen Olivia, I'm getting the sense that your assessment is getting a little too easy, so I'm going to fuck off and leave you alone with Wood, who is a dangerous criminal that's at least 4 feet taller than you.

(fucks off)

WOOD HARRIS

So you're a psychic, huh? What am I thinking about right now?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

I could just choose not to read your mind but you look like the kind of lowlife who is quite respectful of women so I'll just take a quick peek OH MY GOD YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH.

(pause)

Why am I fully naked while you're fully clothed even inside your own head? Are you some kind of weirdo?

WOOD HARRIS

I'm very self conscious about my body image, okay? Stop criticizing my rape fantasies. It's mean.

Meanwhile JUDGE KARL stumbles onto the one balcony where dozens of STATIONARY GATLING GUNS just happen to be aimed at.

LENA HEADEY

Open fire! And be sure to aim directly behind Karl! I'm sure he'll trip or something and then we'll get him for sure! Ugh! You guys are doing it all wrong!

(fires gatling guns herself)

See how I'm not leading the target? Do that! Stop doing what you're doing and do what I do!

Lots of INNOCENT BYSTANDERS decide that the best way to avoid the BULLETS is by running DIRECTLY INTO THEM. One guy is even SHOPPING while this is going on. Maybe there was a special FACE SHOOTING DAY SALE at IKEA or something. For 90% off who wouldn't risk getting their ass shot off? Oh like you wouldn't.

JUDGE KARL hides behind a BULLETPROOF WALL, then waits for LENA's thugs to come after him and gives them all their FULL METAL JACKET parting gifts.

Then JUDGE KARL throws LENA'S #2 GUY off of the balcony.

JUDGE KARL

Hmm, Lena's standing right across the way. If only I had some type of bullet shaped projectile to shoot at her, or a magic incendiary round that could set her on fire, then this whole mess would be over right now.

(pause)

Oh well. I suppose I'll just walk away like a total badass instead.

(does so)

LENA HEADEY

Phew, I was really worried there for a second.

JUDGE KARL returns to OLIVIA and uses some ENHANCED INTERROGATION on WOOD.

JUDGE KARL

Lena is going through a lot of trouble to kill you, Wood. What do you know?

WOOD HARRIS

(locks mouth shut)

(throws away the key)

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Yes! A chance for me to use my telepathic powers to progress the plot by going into the mind of a killer and searching for clues!

JUDGE KARL

Wait, that's a thing you can do? Is it safe?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Sure, just so long as I don't run into Jennifer Lopez's stupid face. Then I might have to cut a bitch.

INT. WOOD'S MIND

WOOD HARRIS

You just fucked up, Olivia. You're on my turf. I bet you taste like Honey Nut Cheerios. Now get undressed. The hell? Where are your boobs? Is your chest really that flat or do I just have the worst imagination in the entire history of worst imaginations?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

You imagined me without my boobs so I'll imagine you without your penis!

WOOD HARRIS

You have successfully emasculated me. Knowledge of Lena's illegal Slo-Mo lab: Unlocked.

(pause)

Also, pee: Unlocked.

INT. PEACH TREES

JUDGE KARL, OLIVIA and WOOD approach an elevator but are distracted by some KIDS with GUNS.

JUDGE KARL

The fact you kids are pointing guns at me is a good sign. It means the government hasn't taken them all away. Yet. Now I'm going to let you kids off with a warning.

(stuns them)

WOOD HARRIS

(taking Olivia hostage)

Ah-ha! Gotcha bitch!

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Grrr! I should have seen that coming!

(pause)

No, seriously, I'm a fucking psychic. I LITERALLY should have seen that coming.

LENA holds OLIVIA hostage in her PENTHOUSE FORTRESS while JUDGE KARL taps into the PA system.

JUDGE KARL (V.O.)

Attention citizens of Peach Trees. Perhaps you haven't noticed, but my gravely Batman voice is turned all the way up to 11 and I'm not leaving until I introduce Lena's teeth to the toe of my boot. She is not the law. I AM THE FUCKING LAW!

CITIZENS OF PEACH TREES

That's what Stallone said!

JUDGE KARL (V.O.)

Stallone can chew my big fat Kiwi cock.

LENA sends some RED SHIRTS after JUDGE KARL, who sets his magic gun to FLAME BROIL and cooks the RED SHIRTS at 450 degrees with a side of gravy. JUDGE KARL didn't use this function to kill LENA with 5 minutes ago because [DELETED]

EXPOSITORY BLACK GUY

Oh look, Lena has let some more Judges into the building for some reason. I'll just leave the safety of my cliche protected fort and

(is shot in the face)

LENA is approached by JUDGE WHITE, JUDGE BLACK, JUDGE HISPANIC, and JUDGE BLEEDER.

JUDGE WHITE

Lena, my group of evil judges will kill Karl for you in exchange for ONE MILLION DOLLARS! We'll split it four ways!

LENA HEADEY

Okay. Deal.

JUDGE WHITE

Hey wait a minute, you settled way too fast and didn't even haggle. Why do I get the feeling I could have hit you up for a lot more--

LENA HEADEY

TOO LATE! Now go kill Karl while I leave Wood to take care of Olivia.

WOOD HARRIS

(undoing pants)

Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about--

LENA HEADEY

No raping.

WOOD HARRIS

What do you mean no raping? I never agreed to that. Just look at my first name. I've been threatening to rape Olivia ever since we first met! You can't expect me not to follow through! I'm wearing my special raping gloves and raping shoes and everything!

LENA HEADEY

No raping. I mean it. The only thing I want you to put in Olivia's ass are bullets. To ensure this, I will leave you alone with her and dismiss any and all goons within 500 feet of this room.

(leaves)

WOOD HARRIS

Well Olivia, time for me to pay you back for emasculating me earlier by killing you with your own judge gun.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

I guess nobody told you what happens when a non-judge tries to use a judge's gun?

WOOD HARRIS

Surprisingly, no, they haven't. You'd think that would be common knowledge amongst a seasoned criminal such as myself, but no. Why? What happens

(hand is blown off)

I'll never play piano again.

OLIVIA kicks WOOD in the face and his neck breaks.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

WTF? Either Wood has osteogenesis imperfecta or I have more than one super power.

Meanwhile JUDGE BLACK, JUDGE HISPANIC, and JUDGE BLEEDER are handed their RETIREMENT PENSIONS in the form of BULLETS and JUDGE KARL faces off against JUDGE WHITE.

JUDGE KARL

Grumble. My magical gun has finally run out of bullets. If only I had thought to procure a gun from the 200+ people I've killed thus far.

(is shot)

JUDGE WHITE

Ha! Now I kill you!

JUDGE KARL

Wait.

JUDGE WHITE

Wait?

JUDGE KARL

Yeah. Wait.

JUDGE WHITE

You want me to wait? Me? Wait? For what?

JUDGE KARL

Just wait.

JUDGE WHITE

Why should I? Wait, that is. What am I waiting for?

JUDGE KARL

For wait.

JUDGE WHITE

I'm waiting for wait? That doesn't make any sense. Hey why am I even arguing with you instead of just shoot

(is shot in the face by Olivia)

JUDGE KARL

Fucking finally. How long were you standing there?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

A while. You guys had a great "Who's On First?" thing going on and I didn't want to spoil it.

JUDGE KARL

My magical healing kit has patched up all my internal bleeding and organ damage, so let's go kill Lena now.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

But I've already failed my assessment by having my magic gun taken from me. Are you sure you want a rookie candyass fuckup like me having your back?

JUDGE KARL

Scowl.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

I'll take that as a yes. Now let's go fuck Lena's shit all the way up.

JUDGE KARL and OLIVIA storm LENA'S PENTHOUSE and kill the last of her thugs, but OLIVIA is shot.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Ouchie. A little help here, Karl.

JUDGE KARL

Don't be a pussy, Olivia. Just lay there quietly and bleed to death while I have a showdown with Lena.

LENA HEADEY

See this condom wrapper on my wrist? It's a transmitter that will set off a million bombs if my heart stops, so let me go.

JUDGE KARL

You know I can just stun you and safely execute you someplace else, right? But that death wouldn't be sadistic enough, so I'm going to risk the lives of everyone in this building by testing the range of your transmitter when I drop you out of a window to your death just like you tried to do with Bran Stark.

LENA HEADEY

BUT THAT WAS MY BROTHER JAMIE!

JUDGE KARL

Who has two thumbs and doesn't give a shit? ^^This guy.

LENA is given a hit of SLO-MO before being dropped 200 stories to her death and reminds us all that BULLETS to the face are not nearly as bad as GRAVITY to the face.

JUDGE KARL heals OLIVIA just as backup arrives.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

So I guess you're going to fail me now and take away my license to judge.

JUDGE KARL

Nah.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

Wow, that's uncharacteristically nice of you.

(pause)

Being uncharacteristically nice is an offense punishable by death.

JUDGE KARL

I am so proud of you right now.

JUDGE KARL gets on his JUDGECYCLE and rides off to hunt down and destroy all copies of the 1995 version.

Pray he succeeds.

END