The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
INT. HOME OF GERMAN-LANGUAGE FILM LEGEND BRUNO GANZ, ZURICH, 1997
BRUNO looks over a copy of BACKSTAGE MAGAZINE, surrounded by his MANAGEMENT TEAM.
BRUNO'S MANAGER
According to this casting call, they had been looking for an American actor to play the role you first brought to life in 1987's Der Himmel über Berlin.
BRUNO GANZ
Surely they cast someone handsome and warm. Like Leonardo DiCaprio.
BRUNO'S MANAGER
(swallows nervously)
Mr. Ganz... the lead will be...
BRUNO'S AGENT
The lead will be Nicolas Cage. And we're told the script will call him "beautiful."
BRUNO pauses before slowly and shakily removing his GLASSES.
BRUNO GANZ
Anyone who hasn't seen Vampire's Kiss... get out.
Most of the TEAM quietly exits, shutting the DOOR behind them.
BRUNO GANZ
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! That pallid, sunken-eyed ZOMBIE is playing an angel? Mr. Wenders trusted those fools with the rights to his masterpiece, and THIS is what they do with it?!
Outside the room, his PUBLICIST begins weeping.
BRUNO GANZ
Didn't I tell you those Americans would miss the point entirely? I bet they'll cut out all the weighty philosophical and religious motifs and insert some insipid sex scene! With NICOLAS FUCKING CAGE! Oh yeah, that's HOT!
BRUNO'S AGENT
Mr. Ganz, Mr. Cage won an Oscar!
BRUNO GANZ
For playing an alcoholic waste of space! THAT'S a role for Nicolas Cage! Next you'll tell me Wilford Brimley is playing STALIN!
INT. ANYWAY, THE MOVIE
NICOLAS CAGE appears before a DYING LITTLE GIRL.
DYING LITTLE GIRL
Are you the bogeyman?
NICOLAS CAGE
No. I am not the bogeyman. Why does every child I guide into heaven ask that? It's not like I'm scary or anything.
He then wanders around L.A. trying to grope EVERYONE while wearing a BLACK TRENCHCOAT.
NICOLAS CAGE
Andre, could you please explain to me why the big man upstairs won't let us angels touch anything?
ANDRE BRAUGHER
I'd rather find out why he insists on the trenchcoats, or putting us on the roof for Michael Bay-style tracking shots. The touch thing makes sense, though, since we exist in completely different states of consciousness according to most religious teachings -
NICOLAS CAGE
FuuuUUUuuuUUUuuuck that. One day I'm gonna touch all the things.
ANDRE BRAUGHER
From anyone else, that might have been non-creepy. But I guess it's no creepier than our ability to hear every human's thoughts.
HUMAN #1
Boobs.
HUMAN #2
Boobs.
HUMAN #3
Boobs.
HUMAN #4
Burn them all. Also, boobs.
INT. HOSPITAL
NICOLAS spots DR. MEG RYAN failing to save a PATIENT.
DR. MEG RYAN
(sobbing)
I can't believe he died! I mean, I'm pretty sure every tenth heart surgery patient or so will die, but I looked into this one's eyes!
NICOLAS CAGE
Oh, that right there is the first thing I'm going to touch.
PATIENT
Uh, excuse me? Don't we have some business to take care of?
NICOLAS CAGE
NOT!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!
DR. COLM FEORE enters.
DR. COLM FEORE
Meg, you need to relax. He was just some guy who died on your operating table. Not a big deal.
DR. MEG RYAN
But I CARE, Colm. That's the difference between you and me and why you will ultimately be useless to this storyline. I CARE.
DR. COLM FEORE
Well, you should probably stop. Now get over yourself so we can resume sleeping together.
NICOLAS CAGE
MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE
He chooses to let MEG see him.
NICOLAS CAGE
Wait, so I can make myself visible and audible but not tactile? Like... I mean... just... what is that, God? Why are you breaking my balls like this?!
DR. MEG RYAN
Hey, Shaft, visiting hours are up.
NICOLAS CAGE
Oh. Right. Time to calm down.
(switches to romantic mode)
Mmdfhsihdfdjfjks.
DR. MEG RYAN
Huh?
NICOLAS CAGE
Mmdfhsihdfdjfjks.
DR. MEG RYAN
Sir, you have to move your mouth for me to understand you.
NICOLAS CAGE
My name is Nicolas.
DR. MEG RYAN
Oh. Well, no need to shout OR mumble. You can, you know, talk.
NICOLAS CAGE
Your patient is fine, Meg. I checked on him. He made friends with Sonny Bono and they're solving mysteries together.
DR. MEG RYAN
(actual line)
You better get out of here or security will think you're a psych patient.
She goes home and JILLS OFF to him while he watches her EVERY MOVE without her KNOWLEDGE.
CREEPS
(madly scribbling notes)
INT. DINER
NICOLAS meets with ex-angel DENNIS FRANZ.
DENNIS FRANZ
(stuffs gob with fries)
More.
NICOLAS CAGE
You've had 4,000 calories already.
DENNIS FRANZ
(pours gravy down throat)
Look, I became a human to experience food. I don't care if I'm mostly confined to a hospital bed with chest-crushing palpitations. It was the best decision I ever made.
NICOLAS CAGE
You can just become a human? That seems way too convenient.
DENNIS FRANZ
(eats a whole pie)
Dude, you wanna put your dick in Meg or not?
NICOLAS CAGE
Why would I want to do that?
TWO HOURS OF EXPLANATIONS later:
NICOLAS CAGE
I definitely want to do that.
INT. MEG'S HOUSE
NICOLAS is able to cut VEGETABLES somehow.
DR. MEG RYAN
Colm asked me to marry him today. But his proposal was as romantic as a trip to the DMV, so he now ceases to exist.
NICOLAS CAGE
Not surprisingly, that's the most probable thing to happen in a movie starring you.
DR. MEG RYAN
I know, right? Anyway, that means I can have sex with you without even the pretense of guilt.
NICOLAS CAGE
Okay, well, I haven't turned human yet, but I can touch this lettuce just fine, and you can always tell when I touch you, so...
(can't touch her)
HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!?!?!?!?
DR. MEG RYAN
What are you?! An alien? A ghost? A dream? The result of mixing Xanax with cheap rosé?
NICOLAS CAGE
Meg, there's a very romantic explanation for all this...
DR. MEG RYAN
Look, I can't take ANY of this shit seriously anymore. Just poof away or whatever your kind does.
NICOLAS CAGE
(poofs away)
SARAH MCLACHLAN
(singing)
There's no suuuch thiiing as angels
Run awaaay from him
He's on druuugs, taaalking angels
Get the fuuu-uuuck right outta heeere!
EXT. LOS ANGELES
NICOLAS stands atop a CONSTRUCTION SITE.
NICOLAS CAGE
I should have done this before I made Meg question her mental faculties, but here we go. Montage power, activate.
He falls backward into a FILM EDITOR'S TEST PROJECT and wakes up as a CRAZY HOMELESS GUY.
NICOLAS CAGE
Blood! Bruises! Untold numbers of shattered bones! YEEEEEESSSSSS!!!
(skips and prances and screams and sings)
ANGELENOS
(shrug)
NICOLAS CAGE
Okay! Now, to Meg!
(tries to poof)
To Meg!
(tries again)
TO MEG!!!
(again)
Oh... right. It occurs to me that getting to Meg will be really hard without ID, money, or knowledge of basic California geography.
But he gets to her anyway and then they have SEX.
THEN THEY HAVE SEX.
THEY. HAVE. SEX.
JOHN RZEZNIK
(to tune of "Iris")
I wrote this song just for the movie
At the time, well, I thought it was deep
But, ladies, Nic Cage is no angel
He's a Meg-stalking, you-groping creep
Now I wish we'd avoided this soundtrack
We were once a good college rock band
But between this and Sarah McLachlan
It's a hellstew of late-90s bland!
INT. FIVE MINUTES OF NICOLAS CAGE'S O-FACE LATER
NICOLAS and MEG snuggle.
NICOLAS CAGE
I liked it. Did you like it? Tell me you liked it.
DR. MEG RYAN
Um... sure. Listen, why don't you go have a shower? For the rest of the morning? I need to buy fruit.
NICOLAS CAGE
But there's a giant fruit bowl in the fridge...
DR. MEG RYAN
Yeahwellweneedmorebye.
(leaves)
NICOLAS gets in the SHOWER and resumes O-FACING.
NICOLAS CAGE
I like this shower thing. It feels like your entire body is encased in a - Waaaaaaait a minute...
He senses MEG'S IMPENDING DEATH and finds its EXACT LOCATION.
NICOLAS CAGE
Meg, how'd you get hurt? How'd you get hurt? HOW'D YOU GET HURT?!?!?!
DR. MEG RYAN
(gasps)
It was... an accident. Totally an accident. Nothing to do with the fact that you look and sound like a dying baboon when we fuck.
NICOLAS CAGE
I gave up my angel status for you!
DR. MEG RYAN
And I gave up my alive status for you. I'd say... we're even...
(dies)
EXT. BEACH FULL OF ANGELS
ANDRE arrives to comfort NICOLAS.
NICOLAS CAGE
Did God kill Meg to punish me?
ANDRE BRAUGHER
No.
NICOLAS CAGE
Then what the fuck?!
ANDRE BRAUGHER
I 'unno.
NICOLAS CAGE
You know, you really suck at comfort. Isn't that your job?
ANDRE BRAUGHER
Okay, fine.
(clears throat)
Look on the bright side, Nicolas: You can bodysurf now.
NICOLAS CAGE
...Hey! You're right!
(runs into ocean)
ANDRE BRAUGHER
Uh, that was sarcasm...
NICOLAS CAGE
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BODYSURFING MAKES THE PAIN GO AWAAAAAAY!
ANDRE BRAUGHER
Well, at least now he's keeping his clothes on.
END