FADE IN:

INT. HOME OF GERMAN-LANGUAGE FILM LEGEND BRUNO GANZ, ZURICH, 1997

BRUNO looks over a copy of BACKSTAGE MAGAZINE, surrounded by his MANAGEMENT TEAM.

BRUNO'S MANAGER

According to this casting call, they had been looking for an American actor to play the role you first brought to life in 1987's Der Himmel über Berlin.

BRUNO GANZ

Surely they cast someone handsome and warm. Like Leonardo DiCaprio.

BRUNO'S MANAGER

(swallows nervously)

Mr. Ganz... the lead will be...

BRUNO'S AGENT

The lead will be Nicolas Cage. And we're told the script will call him "beautiful."

BRUNO pauses before slowly and shakily removing his GLASSES.

BRUNO GANZ

Anyone who hasn't seen Vampire's Kiss... get out.

Most of the TEAM quietly exits, shutting the DOOR behind them.

BRUNO GANZ

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! That pallid, sunken-eyed ZOMBIE is playing an angel? Mr. Wenders trusted those fools with the rights to his masterpiece, and THIS is what they do with it?!

Outside the room, his PUBLICIST begins weeping.

BRUNO GANZ

Didn't I tell you those Americans would miss the point entirely? I bet they'll cut out all the weighty philosophical and religious motifs and insert some insipid sex scene! With NICOLAS FUCKING CAGE! Oh yeah, that's HOT!

BRUNO'S AGENT

Mr. Ganz, Mr. Cage won an Oscar!

BRUNO GANZ

For playing an alcoholic waste of space! THAT'S a role for Nicolas Cage! Next you'll tell me Wilford Brimley is playing STALIN!

INT. ANYWAY, THE MOVIE

NICOLAS CAGE appears before a DYING LITTLE GIRL.

DYING LITTLE GIRL

Are you the bogeyman?

NICOLAS CAGE

No. I am not the bogeyman. Why does every child I guide into heaven ask that? It's not like I'm scary or anything.

He then wanders around L.A. trying to grope EVERYONE while wearing a BLACK TRENCHCOAT.

NICOLAS CAGE

Andre, could you please explain to me why the big man upstairs won't let us angels touch anything?

ANDRE BRAUGHER

I'd rather find out why he insists on the trenchcoats, or putting us on the roof for Michael Bay-style tracking shots. The touch thing makes sense, though, since we exist in completely different states of consciousness according to most religious teachings -

NICOLAS CAGE

FuuuUUUuuuUUUuuuck that. One day I'm gonna touch all the things.

ANDRE BRAUGHER

From anyone else, that might have been non-creepy. But I guess it's no creepier than our ability to hear every human's thoughts.

HUMAN #1

Boobs.

HUMAN #2

Boobs.

HUMAN #3

Boobs.

HUMAN #4

Burn them all. Also, boobs.

INT. HOSPITAL

NICOLAS spots DR. MEG RYAN failing to save a PATIENT.

DR. MEG RYAN

(sobbing)

I can't believe he died! I mean, I'm pretty sure every tenth heart surgery patient or so will die, but I looked into this one's eyes!

NICOLAS CAGE

Oh, that right there is the first thing I'm going to touch.

PATIENT

Uh, excuse me? Don't we have some business to take care of?

NICOLAS CAGE

NOT!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!

DR. COLM FEORE enters.

DR. COLM FEORE

Meg, you need to relax. He was just some guy who died on your operating table. Not a big deal.

DR. MEG RYAN

But I CARE, Colm. That's the difference between you and me and why you will ultimately be useless to this storyline. I CARE.

DR. COLM FEORE

Well, you should probably stop. Now get over yourself so we can resume sleeping together.

NICOLAS CAGE

MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE

He chooses to let MEG see him.

NICOLAS CAGE

Wait, so I can make myself visible and audible but not tactile? Like... I mean... just... what is that, God? Why are you breaking my balls like this?!

DR. MEG RYAN

Hey, Shaft, visiting hours are up.

NICOLAS CAGE

Oh. Right. Time to calm down.

(switches to romantic mode)

Mmdfhsihdfdjfjks.

DR. MEG RYAN

Huh?

NICOLAS CAGE

Mmdfhsihdfdjfjks.

DR. MEG RYAN

Sir, you have to move your mouth for me to understand you.

NICOLAS CAGE

My name is Nicolas.

DR. MEG RYAN

Oh. Well, no need to shout OR mumble. You can, you know, talk.

NICOLAS CAGE

Your patient is fine, Meg. I checked on him. He made friends with Sonny Bono and they're solving mysteries together.

DR. MEG RYAN

(actual line)

You better get out of here or security will think you're a psych patient.

She goes home and JILLS OFF to him while he watches her EVERY MOVE without her KNOWLEDGE.

CREEPS

(madly scribbling notes)

INT. DINER

NICOLAS meets with ex-angel DENNIS FRANZ.

DENNIS FRANZ

(stuffs gob with fries)

More.

NICOLAS CAGE

You've had 4,000 calories already.

DENNIS FRANZ

(pours gravy down throat)

Look, I became a human to experience food. I don't care if I'm mostly confined to a hospital bed with chest-crushing palpitations. It was the best decision I ever made.

NICOLAS CAGE

You can just become a human? That seems way too convenient.

DENNIS FRANZ

(eats a whole pie)

Dude, you wanna put your dick in Meg or not?

NICOLAS CAGE

Why would I want to do that?

TWO HOURS OF EXPLANATIONS later:

NICOLAS CAGE

I definitely want to do that.

INT. MEG'S HOUSE

NICOLAS is able to cut VEGETABLES somehow.

DR. MEG RYAN

Colm asked me to marry him today. But his proposal was as romantic as a trip to the DMV, so he now ceases to exist.

NICOLAS CAGE

Not surprisingly, that's the most probable thing to happen in a movie starring you.

DR. MEG RYAN

I know, right? Anyway, that means I can have sex with you without even the pretense of guilt.

NICOLAS CAGE

Okay, well, I haven't turned human yet, but I can touch this lettuce just fine, and you can always tell when I touch you, so...

(can't touch her)

HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!?!?!?!?

DR. MEG RYAN

What are you?! An alien? A ghost? A dream? The result of mixing Xanax with cheap rosé?

NICOLAS CAGE

Meg, there's a very romantic explanation for all this...

DR. MEG RYAN

Look, I can't take ANY of this shit seriously anymore. Just poof away or whatever your kind does.

NICOLAS CAGE

(poofs away)

SARAH MCLACHLAN

(singing)

There's no suuuch thiiing as angels

Run awaaay from him

He's on druuugs, taaalking angels

Get the fuuu-uuuck right outta heeere!

EXT. LOS ANGELES

NICOLAS stands atop a CONSTRUCTION SITE.

NICOLAS CAGE

I should have done this before I made Meg question her mental faculties, but here we go. Montage power, activate.

He falls backward into a FILM EDITOR'S TEST PROJECT and wakes up as a CRAZY HOMELESS GUY.

NICOLAS CAGE

Blood! Bruises! Untold numbers of shattered bones! YEEEEEESSSSSS!!!

(skips and prances and screams and sings)

ANGELENOS

(shrug)

NICOLAS CAGE

Okay! Now, to Meg!

(tries to poof)

To Meg!

(tries again)

TO MEG!!!

(again)

Oh... right. It occurs to me that getting to Meg will be really hard without ID, money, or knowledge of basic California geography.

But he gets to her anyway and then they have SEX.

THEN THEY HAVE SEX.

THEY. HAVE. SEX.

JOHN RZEZNIK

(to tune of "Iris")

I wrote this song just for the movie

At the time, well, I thought it was deep

But, ladies, Nic Cage is no angel

He's a Meg-stalking, you-groping creep

Now I wish we'd avoided this soundtrack

We were once a good college rock band

But between this and Sarah McLachlan

It's a hellstew of late-90s bland!

INT. FIVE MINUTES OF NICOLAS CAGE'S O-FACE LATER

NICOLAS and MEG snuggle.

NICOLAS CAGE

I liked it. Did you like it? Tell me you liked it.

DR. MEG RYAN

Um... sure. Listen, why don't you go have a shower? For the rest of the morning? I need to buy fruit.

NICOLAS CAGE

But there's a giant fruit bowl in the fridge...

DR. MEG RYAN

Yeahwellweneedmorebye.

(leaves)

NICOLAS gets in the SHOWER and resumes O-FACING.

NICOLAS CAGE

I like this shower thing. It feels like your entire body is encased in a - Waaaaaaait a minute...

He senses MEG'S IMPENDING DEATH and finds its EXACT LOCATION.

NICOLAS CAGE

Meg, how'd you get hurt? How'd you get hurt? HOW'D YOU GET HURT?!?!?!

DR. MEG RYAN

(gasps)

It was... an accident. Totally an accident. Nothing to do with the fact that you look and sound like a dying baboon when we fuck.

NICOLAS CAGE

I gave up my angel status for you!

DR. MEG RYAN

And I gave up my alive status for you. I'd say... we're even...

(dies)

EXT. BEACH FULL OF ANGELS

ANDRE arrives to comfort NICOLAS.

NICOLAS CAGE

Did God kill Meg to punish me?

ANDRE BRAUGHER

No.

NICOLAS CAGE

Then what the fuck?!

ANDRE BRAUGHER

I 'unno.

NICOLAS CAGE

You know, you really suck at comfort. Isn't that your job?

ANDRE BRAUGHER

Okay, fine.

(clears throat)

Look on the bright side, Nicolas: You can bodysurf now.

NICOLAS CAGE

...Hey! You're right!

(runs into ocean)

ANDRE BRAUGHER

Uh, that was sarcasm...

NICOLAS CAGE

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BODYSURFING MAKES THE PAIN GO AWAAAAAAY!

ANDRE BRAUGHER

Well, at least now he's keeping his clothes on.

END